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gamergirlie 04-03-2012 01:52 PM

Fiance' doesn't want sex
 
My fiance' and I have been together for 2 years. Out of those 2 years we have had sex maybe 8 times. We haven't had sex for the past 9 months. He has been addicted to porn since he was 16 years old (he's now 24) and he has slowed down and been attempting to quit. The only sexual activity we do (a few times a week) is that I give him oral while he watches porn. Even when we had sex he couldn't *** and it was just awkward. He gets upset about not being able to give me what I want, but how hard is it to just have sex with someone? He was a virgin before he met me if that makes any difference. The only sex he's known has been porn. I'm trying to work this out with him because I love him more than anything in the world and he treats me like a princess (minus this situation). I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be good about this but this is all we fight about. I really need advice because this is so frustrating for me because I want sex all the time and I don't want to cheat on him but this is the hardest thing ever. He swears he's attracted to me and calls me sexy and stuff, I don't know. The porn he watches is of younger girls than me and they are way thinner than I am. *sigh* I just don't know what to do.

Agenda 04-03-2012 02:26 PM

Re: Fiance' doesn't want sex
 
Dump him. You give him oral sex while he watches porn, you need more out of a relationship than this. You are young and should be enjoying life find some one you can have a fulfilling relationship with.

nahla 04-04-2012 02:17 PM

Re: Fiance' doesn't want sex
 
Wow that is incredibly hurtful. I cant imagine allowing someone to treat me this way. How would he feel if the roles were reversed?! Does he offer to perform oral on you? Have you talked to him about what you want? This is seriously messed up. My husband was addicted to porn and would watch it instead of having sex with me. After I told him how it made me feel he started hiding it. So instead of being mad and unsatisfied I started watching porn by myself to get off. It started to make him jelous and he finally understood how I was feeling. It took some time but neither of usatch porn anymore. Our sex life is good now.

Ran557 04-04-2012 11:19 PM

Re: Fiance' doesn't want sex
 
Woah, back down girls. Porn addiction is a big deal.

I'm amazed that he's even able to get an erection strong enough for penetration. Normally men with a porn addiction have a hard time getting and maintaining erections from normal sexual activities. Heck, he's probably watching the porn because it's the only way he can get a proper erection.

Porn addiction (in males), alters the mentality and makes it very difficult to take part in REAL sex. I should know because I was in that same boat.




The first thing you need to do is, not only stop him with the porn, but he needs to stop sexual activity 100%. Outercourse, masturbation, everything. This includes even *fantasizing* about porn. It ALL needs to go. His brain needs to reboot and come back to reality.

That's the hurdle, and then comes the ditch. After a while he should completely lose his libido. Good, that means that his sex drive has shut down and is getting time to reboot. It will all come back and hopefully your sex-life will start over, and normal this time.

You're going to need patience with him, but if he truly does love you he'll do this for you and you need to help him through this.




Starting off is the worst.
Completely clear the house of porn. No more videos, no disks, nothing at all. Set the safe search on the computer so nothing unexpected comes up.

Next step, whenever he gets the urge, tell him to put in a video game or a movie, or something interactive than he can focus on. Remember, you can't have him thinking about porn. It could be months without any sexual activity, but if he's still fantasizing about porn he won't get better.


Next part I imagine will be the hardest for you. After he loses his libido there's nothing to do but wait for him to get better. That'll take some serious patience, and DON'T RUSH IT! Don't ever try to rush it. Better be safe than risk a relapse. Remember, the problem is in his brain; it needs to reboot. You can't rush that, and any attempt to do so could be a step in the wrong direction.



If he doesn't do this for you, drop him. If I can do this for myself then he can do it for you.

Just Tell Me 04-06-2012 07:13 AM

Re: Fiance' doesn't want sex
 
I'm sorry that you are experiencing this problem in your relationship, it can't be easy to live like this. You obviously love him and have made concessions for his benefit but as you are discovering, you making all the effort and showing support while getting very little in return is starting to take it's toll on your emotions and feelings. You say he feels bad about not meeting your needs but he doesn't feel guilty or bad enough to make enough effort in improving the situation because you enable him to get his needs met while yours go lacking.
This is someone who needs some tough love. Someone else down the line most likely would not put up with this kind of treatment for very long and it's unfair that you continue to suffer because of his addiction. He needs to stop consuming porn cold turkey, no if's and's or but's, COLD TURKEY!!!! He needs to lay completely off masterbating and you need to completely stop offering him oral. As hard as it's going to be, he needs to realise that partnered sex is a two ways street and a priviledge, not a right. If he wants a partner he'll comply and work harder for a solution to HIS problem. I know addictions are hard to break and whether the problem is alcohol, drugs, sex, or porn, requires complete withdrawel from that behavior. Unless and until he takes the innitiative to end this addiction you should consider at least a pause if not a complete break from this relationship. His addiction may be painful and allienating for him, but look at what it's costing you. Two years of being his mouth while he consumes his porn is enabling him in his addiction while prostituting yourself in the process. You deserve so much more than that and until you make a stand, you'll likely get the same kind of treament. Good luck to you, I hope you give yourself and your potential future the priority in this situation.

captjane 04-06-2012 10:28 AM

Re: Fiance' doesn't want sex
 
"He has been addicted to porn since he was 16 years old (he's now 24) "

personally I think this may be a much bigger problem than you realise and I suspect he's addicted to masturbating and the porn is a tool to make that possible. I'll tell you why I think this, it usually starts at a young age, men like this don't find regular sex satisfying, masturbation is their sex, they are addicted to porn to get aroused to make masturbation possible, and over time as the porn effects them less and they get desensitized to it, they get into more hard core and even troubling forms of porn just to get aroused. He may not even admit how often he masturbates, but for some addicts that can be several times a day. The fact that he has so little interest in sex and the age at which he started this are red flags. I doubt if he can have anything near a normal sexual relationship without some intense treatment, and even then he may still struggle with it. He may be a great guy, but this is not just going to go away, and I personally wouldn't stick around to deal with it.

katlin09 04-23-2012 01:00 PM

Re: Fiance' doesn't want sex
 
Your fiance needs psychiatric help for his porn addiction. You can't solve this for him, but it does need to be solved well before you even think about marrying him. You should absolutely not encourage his porn habit, why would you give him oral why he watches porn? What exactly do you get out of that? and why are you concerned with him getting what he wants/needs.

He needs to get profesional help to get his addiction under control and if he's able to do that then you guys should talk marriage. but there is the chance he may not be able to and if he can't marrying him should be the last thing you do. Either way this is something that you will have to live with and monitor for your entire life with him, this addiction is like any other temptation has to be kept away and you can't do anything to encourage it. Are you sure this is how you want to spend your life?


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