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Old 04-25-2012, 05:20 AM   #1
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Line between being dominant and disresptful in bed?

Question...where is the line. When in bed I like to get a little wild and spank my girl and pull hair a little bit. Last weekend my girlfriend visited and we had not seen eachother for like 4 months and we had a lot and lot of sex. The next day she asks me "have you always been disrespectful to women"? I didnt really understand that and just said, "no I have always been nice." I could not figure out where she came out with that other than maybe I was being to rough in bed? She seemed to sure as heck enjoy it though was making a lot of noises and after I was done the first time she dragged me back in...so I couldnt figure it out. I know in the past girls have been turned off when I was too boring in bed and was too sensitive. I know there needs to be a balance between dominance and respect and just hope I didnt cross it. It has been waining on my mind this week...I feel bad for some reason..I always want to make sure I am respectful.

The only other thing I was thinking was that when she got there I admittely started having drink with her..and I had been drinking beforehand so mybe she thought I was rushing it? Last time I visited her though she did the same thing and got me drunk and then we had sex. So I cant figure out this guilt thing she put on me other than maybe some kind of girl test to make sure I dont see her as a peace of meat or something? The only reason I like to be more dominant in bed is because I know that girls like it. Well any thoughts are would be appreciated.

Just to note this is not the only thing we do, we go out on many dates and walks and watch movies and make eacother dinner and such.

Last edited by waywardson; 04-25-2012 at 05:40 AM.

 
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Old 04-25-2012, 05:54 AM   #2
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Re: Women: Where do you draw the line between being dominant and disresptful in bed?

Why can't you just ask her what she meant by that?

 
Old 04-25-2012, 06:08 AM   #3
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Re: Women: Where do you draw the line between being dominant and disresptful in bed?

Yeah I should have. I just didnt think about it until later. She has a tendacy to joke a lot and tease me so at the time It made me wonder but I didnt think about it too much...but this week it has been on my mind. I think now it would be a bit odd to ask her about it many days latter. But if it comes up again I ask. Problem is we live a good ways away and dont see eachother much.

 
Old 04-25-2012, 06:16 AM   #4
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Re: Women: Where do you draw the line between being dominant and disresptful in bed?

Yea I think you're going to have to ask her what she meant. All of us ladies here can speculate all day along about what did she mean but we're not in her head so we have no way of knowing what she is thinking. You're the one who is dating her so you know her better than any of us do.

And I just wanted to clarify something you said in your post. No, not all women like being dominated in bed. If you think we all do and we just expect it from every guy then you have a lot to learn about women. We are all different and every woman that you meet is going to like different things in bed than others. It's a very individual thing that you need to ASK about and TALK about before assuming we all like the same thing across the board. That's probably the problem here that you just assumed what her boundaries were without asking and that was disrespectful to her. But I can't believe when she told you, you didn't take the time to discuss it with her! You've been complaining forever about not having a girlfriend and now you have one and you're not being a good partner because there doesn't appear to be any open communication going on. Without a solid foundation of open communication, not just when it comes to sex but in all facets of a relationship, it will not survive.

 
Old 04-25-2012, 08:30 AM   #5
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Re: Women: Where do you draw the line between being dominant and disresptful in bed?

Thanks Kszan that helps a lot. And yes I do agree I have been bad at communication and will learn from this. Is it too late now? I dont want her to think back on it and dismiss me. I think I will talk with her this weekend.

I know in the past I have been dismissed many times for being the "weeney" "nice guy" and I think I may have started to overcompensate. I have looked for adivice online about how men are suppose to be manly and not share feelings and everything.

I know for me and a lot of other guys we grew up seeing girls constantly go for guys who treat them badly and run from those that treat them well. It messes us up.

Last edited by waywardson; 04-25-2012 at 09:34 AM.

 
Old 04-25-2012, 09:14 AM   #6
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Re: Women: Where do you draw the line between being dominant and disresptful in bed?

When you talk to her, apologize for making assumptions and let her know that you're not that experienced so you made some mistakes. I think most women would appreciate honesty above all else and if she is mature, she will see your opening up about your feelings as a good thing. You must have been reading a lot of guy centered magazines and books because women very frequently say that the fact their guy doesn't share his feelings is a huge problem. You should never take a guy's advice for what women really need or want because guys have been and always will be clueless about how we think and what we feel and what we need. We are also so individual that what works for one girl may not work for another one. Which is why open communication is such a major key thing for relationships to work.

There's also a difference between being a "nice guy" and being a total pushover. Women don't tend to like guys who act like doormats and most guys who call themselves "nice" are just doormats who don't have a concept of gender roles. Being a strong man doesn't mean always dominating everything. It means being supportive, respectful, appreciative and honest but also not being afraid to disagree when they don't agree with something, and standing up for her when people try to put her down. Go and watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the movie. The way Ian treats Toula throughout the whole movie is how to be a strong man who is "nice guy" that is neither a pushover nor a doormat. To me, he is the perfect example of how a man should treat his lady. I'm sure there are more examples but that's the only one that comes to mind at the moment.

There are plenty of immature girls out there who don't know what they want or who accept really nasty treatment from guys because they haven't yet reached that point in life where they realize they deserve better. Just read all of the sob stories on this message board, they are a penny a dozen here! It's the same song and dance over and over again. Pay attention to the stuff they are complaining about and don't do those things when in a relationship. Ever. These girls put up with being treated that way because they don't get it that it's unacceptable. But if boys would learn to stop treating girls that way, we wouldn't be having this discussion. It's a viscious circle but it can be broken if everyone would just subscribe to the rule of treating others how you wish to be treated.

 
Old 04-25-2012, 12:27 PM   #7
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Re: Women: Where do you draw the line between being dominant and disresptful in bed?

It's not too late to ask her now. You could ask her, "You know, you made me think the other day when you asked me if I was disrespectful to women. I hope I don't ever make you feel that way as I don't intend to. Did I do something?" See what she says.

And for the future, not all girls like guys who treat them badly, though in high school that does seem to happen a lot. High school girls are still learning about their bodies and what is expected of them. Women like a man who treats them with respect and who takes the time to get to know them and their personal preferences. You should feel free to ask a woman what she likes, including what she likes in the bedroom, and remember. Learning her personality and doing things that you believe would appeal to her, getting gifts that you think she would like (not what you like), will take you a long way in any relationship.

 
Old 04-25-2012, 02:21 PM   #8
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Re: Women: Where do you draw the line between being dominant and disresptful in bed?

well I wrote her tonight and there was something that was bothering her. It was partly from sex and partly from the weekend altogether. I got drunk before she came becuase she arrived about 3 hrs after expected and then when she got here we drank more and I guess I wasnt being so smooth and was like cutting right to the chase with going upstairs after drinking a little. Then upstair we were starting to fool around and I was moving much faster than normal and our heads bang against eachother and then I threw up later.. (which I didnt mention). I didnt remeber the sex part our are heads hitting eachother. So yeah I was being a retard for getting so drunk...and I was soo hungover the next day I just layed around the house and only thing we did was have sex and watch movies...she wanted to go out and do more things. So I dont think it was so much the hair tuggin and bottom spankin..but more of my drunken mannerisms form the night before. I apoligized for everything and let her know that I respect her and to always let me know if I do something that crosses a line. I wish I read the above statement because that would have sounded less guilt ridden but it seems like everything is smoothed out cause she blew me a kiss via phone. I will make sure the other things dont bother her as well by asking what she likes and what she doesnt likes etc...thanks for advices.

I mean some things did bother me to which I should have mentioned...she never texted me or nothing letting me know that she was going to be late and I had to text her to find out and that was why I was getting soo drunk cause at a point I was thinking she was standing me up..but she is kind of bad with communicating too...so I should let her know that now that I am thinking. I had planned to make her dinner and told her to wait and when she got her she told me she was not hungry...it was really late..but that made me a bit mad too. So I must remeber to talk about things that bug me with her as well...I tend to put everything all on my own shoulders.

Last edited by waywardson; 04-25-2012 at 02:32 PM.

 
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