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Old 05-12-2012, 08:20 AM   #1
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I just got married and avoid having sex with my husband

I am 29 years old I have been married for a little less then 5 months. I love my husband to death. We connect on every level except sexually. If he had his way we would have sex every day. I on the other hand never want to. I dont know if its a medical condition or what but I feel like its destoying our marriage. I almost have to force myself to let him be intimate with me. This is horrible and I dont want to feel like this. I just want to be normal. So much resentment occurs when we start to but then I shut him down. He is such a good person and deserves to be loved in that way. Are there others like me? I feel all my friends and family have great relationships with their significant others why cant I? I have tried different libido type natural pills nothing helps. Maybe its a mental thing and I just need to see like a sex therapist???
I feel hopelessly lost and confused...

 
Old 05-12-2012, 04:03 PM   #2
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Re: I just got married and avoid having sex with my husband

I can sympathise with you and your husband. You are not alone. My wife and I have been going through a similar issue. I have personally done tons of research on the problem and have found that more than 40% of couples admit to such a problem. From what I have learned, its not just a female problem, men loose their sex drive too. As a man I can tell you that in shutting him down, yes you are probably doing more harm than you are aware. The problem with my wife got to be so bad that I was really considering divorce. From what you have said, it sounds like you have a leg up over my wife in that you have admited that there is a problem. I'm no professional, but from a man's stand point, I would first advise you to talk to him. Do it today, don't wait. Air things out. Let him know that you are aware of the problem and have a very open and honest discussion with him about it, and while I don't know you or your husband, sexually deprived men can be a little edgy, so be prepared for somethings that may not feel good to hear. If he is anything like I am, I would rather paitently work through the problem with my wife, than without her. But you have to take action now before the damage is too severe. You have to remember that rejection, especially sexual rejection and from our wives no less, for men can be very damaging psycologically. From what I have found less than 20% of young men who find themselves in a sexless marriage stay with their partners. You may also want to consider doing some research on "sexless marriages" online.

If what my wife and I have experianced is any indication (and all couples are different) the odds are probably pretty good that you are just missing something basic that will turn you on. While the problem between my wife and I is far from solved, we have made pretty decent progress in the last two weeks, and right now I'm 2800 miles from home, so there is something to be said there. So this is not something that you should give up on, and certainly don't beat yourself up over it, that will only make matters worse. If you want to consider seeing a sex therapist then my suggestion would be to take your husband with you, he may be able to think of a few things that you haven't.

Remember that I am by no means a professional, I just know what I have experianced and what seems to be working, at the moment for us. If you are feeling like you have to force yourself into sex with him, then the odds are probably pretty high that you are over worked in some way. While a mans primary sex organ is easy to find, women are not so simple. A womans biggest sex organ usually rests square on her shoulders. That being the case you could be over thinking things too much. Do your own research on the problem and I think that you will find that a lot of women and men notice a drop or an outright disappearnace of the labido when they are under higher than normal stress levels. Like I said I really don't know you or your husband, but I am familiar with the problem. Don't give up on yourself or your marriage and certainly don't be so ashamed of what you are feeling as to keep it from him. You have a right to be concerned, and I think that you are taking the correct first steps in reaching out for help, but like I said, you have to talk to him about it, and you really should do it today. I think that you will find that after a little bit of complaining, once he realizes that he is not the reason for your lack of intimecy, he will most likely be right there to do all that he can to help.

Last edited by Administrator; 05-15-2012 at 07:56 AM.

 
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Old 05-12-2012, 04:36 PM   #3
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Re: I just got married and avoid having sex with my husband

Angel eyes,
You said that you don't know if it's a medical condition so you should first rule that out. See your gynecologist and talk to her about this. Are you taking any meds that could cause lack of libido?

 
Old 05-12-2012, 04:38 PM   #4
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Re: I just got married and avoid having sex with my husband

Angeleyes,

The advice I find to be the first and foremost for you to understand would be the fact that you are far from alone. While most of us would never admit to problems in the bedroom, it is all to common.

The other fact that I have to heartily agree with is the need for you to sit down with your husband and discuss your feelings openly and honestly.

Next I would seek the help of your doctor. For women there can be hormonal imbalance that can lead to lack of libido, as well as several other possibilities. Thankfully we live in an age where there are many treatments available to help with such issues.

If you can rule out any medical reasons, then I would seek some counseling.

The fact that you have great desire to resolve this issue and move forward towards a healthy and happy marriage will go very far in achieving sexual satisfaction for both you and your husband.

I am sure with a little help from the professionals, as well as open and honest communication with your husband will provide both of you with the promise of finding your way to happiness and a complete relationship.

Last edited by Administrator; 05-15-2012 at 07:57 AM.

 
Old 05-12-2012, 09:08 PM   #5
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Re: I just got married and avoid having sex with my husband

Thanks guys for your advice, I tried to talk to him today about it and well what happened is he got defensive as I thought he would. I almost felt like he wanted to have someone to blame for my feelings. I did however read something and it somewhat agrees with me. I know it sounds silly and maybe I am way off with this one but I was reading about how sometimes bad past expereinces come into your present situation. When I was growing up my sister and I were told that we should wait for marriage to have sex. Of course when I got older hormones kicked in and well needless to say I didnt wait. So much pressure was put on us to wait that I felt SOOO guilty when I lost my virginity. It brought me to tears, and every relationship I have sexually has had a smiliar outcome. I think this is part of my issue, I feel dirty like I am not supposed to be doing this even though know I am married. Does that make any sense?

 
Old 05-13-2012, 01:11 AM   #6
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Re: I just got married and avoid having sex with my husband

Yes, very much so. I went through similar feelings in my early adult years. Once you have a lifetime of negative input about sex being so dirty and anyone having sex outside of marriage being dirty too, it can be very hard to get over.

This is something that is much more common than you might think.

May I ask you about your sex life previous to marriage? is this something you knew about going in? Just don't give up the discussion and the effort to re-teach your self about the healthy nature of a good sexual relationship between husband and wife. There are lots of good books out there about sexuality that have a sex positive approach.

Set aside special time for you and your husband to cuddle, bath together, and generally have private time together without the expectation of sex. it is likely that you need extra time to become aroused, and rather than avoid being close, take extra time for each other. Make sure you make it clear to your husband how important it is for him to be fulfilled sexually and your interest in resolving the issues you have now.

There are also women who have deep seated fears about becoming pregnant that can keep them from enjoying sex. if that could be an issue for you too, get to your doctor for some education on how many new types of birth control are available that can keep you safe for years at a time.

Most importantly, do not feel any shame over your feelings. Seek the proper help without any fear of embarrassment.

 
Old 05-16-2012, 05:23 PM   #7
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Re: I just got married and avoid having sex with my husband

Thanks Writeleft for you contiued advice, with other people there was always a heavy guilt factor. There were times where I cried after having sex. I felt like I couldnt dare to enjoy myself because what I was doing was so against what god wanted me to do. Growing up we were raised in a christain oriented home. I know that God wants to me have a healthy relationship with my husband. I want to have that true connection that others mention I guess it will come after some time has past.. Your right it does take time say preheat the oven. It always seems so rushed and I can count on one hand how many times it has been truley intimate and it was about making love. Its horrible but I almost have to think about other things I have seen in movies to get myself to point of orgaism. He is always like why do you look so serious its because I am concentrating so hard. I wish it was less work and more fun but here its not the case... =(

 
Old 05-16-2012, 05:35 PM   #8
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Re: I just got married and avoid having sex with my husband

omg angel eyes..!!...I have felt the same way about sex and being dirty and all...and I blame my issue on going to parochial school for my whole life...lol...uughhh Catholics we always have GUILT....uuughh I hate that.
Now my opinion on what you should do is go see your primary doc about this or gyno...if your all normal there, THEN i would see a counselor or psych...maybe they could help out. Trust me about the counselor it worked for my son...years ago I took him to a counselor about bad bathroom habits and going in his pants and all it took was ONE visit to a counselor, he told me what to do, I did it, and whallla!!!...problem solved..!!....hope this helps ; )

 
Old 05-20-2012, 09:13 PM   #9
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Re: I just got married and avoid having sex with my husband

Angeleyes I just went through the same situation with my fiance. Let me be on honest it was me who felt like I wasnt up for sex . I had been feeling this way for a month or so and it was because of several things. I was working several jobs never had time for us to spend time with each other. Hell I didn't have time for me I was running on 3-4 hours a sleep a day. I wanted to be the man I knew I could be for her but it felt like everything was just becoming boring and stale. So when we were having sex it was halfp-hearted and believe she could tell. I say all that to say this no ones life will ever be easy when it comes to dealing with people you love. Sometimes in relationships you have to self evaluate and see things from your husbands view as well as your own. We never saw a therapist because I decided to put things on hold and focus on us. THAT'S NOT SAYING DON'T GET HELP IF YOU NEED IT. Like the gentleman said about him and his wife sometimes you just need to talk to each other. That's what we did and now were all over each other again. We started role playing and different games and things like that. I know everything doesn't work for everyone. Your a young strong woman who knows what she wants. Please let him know before its to late blessings to you and your family.
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