Join Date: May 2012
Location: BC, Canada
Timid Hubby, Selfish Wife?
If TL;DR (too long; didn't read, see the TL;DR section at the end for the short version)
Background: I've been married just over 5 years now. I love my wife very much. I've never been with anyone else.
The Story: I'm not one to complain or bring up perceived problems, yet I've been having one for 5 years, and in the last 5 days or so it's been keeping me up at night,...seriously, like 3-4 hours of laying in bed thinking about what I wish I could say. The problem I've been having is that I see my wife as a selfish lover. I've more or less accepted my lot in life though. Generally, our sex life consists of some kissing to get her in the mood, me performing oral on her or otherwise stimulate her to orgasm, then we have a bit of intercourse. As for her performing oral, I can count 5 times that it has happened in the last 5 years as per of foreplay (ie she's allowed a 69 a few times). Not that I've been counting, but its not that hard to remember occasions that fit on 1 hand. Also, one time where she was drunk (might happen once every two years that she drinks, i don't drink at all), she gave me an actual blowjob in the car to completion. So I know what it's like and how good it feels and that she is capable.
Sometimes it's clearly body issues for her, like she doesn't want to do 69 cause I might see details of her butt or that sort of thing, but to her credit once she's satisfied she has tried to consider what I'd like for the remaining minute or two for me to finish, like being on top riding up and down even though that doesn't do much for her. At one point we learned that her riding on top facing my feet gives her pleasure too since its like her favorite doggy style, but again, she doesn't feel comfortable doing that. So at least there's that.
However, for most of the past 5 years we've only had sex once every week or two, or sometimes three. Not because she's not willing, necessarily, but she just gives off no sexuality. She expects me to be the initiator (in year 4 I learned that making out can get her somewhat interested), and often doesn't even hint if she is feeling horny. She is very attractive... slightly overweight, but her waist is smaller than her hips and bust and she's very attractive to me, enough so that watching her just undressing makes me happy. But she doesn't ever try to turn me on. And she complains often that we don't have sex enough, but then does nothing about it other than complain that I don't make it happen often enough. In the first two years, I've bought her, and she's bought herself sexy lingerie, but I've seen each piece maybe once. Those few times she's worn something I make sure to go wide-eyed and go wow and give every indication that I like it. But she doesn't like 'initiating'. Why, I don't know still.
This has come to a head most recently because we became pregnant about 11 weeks ago. We had sex at week 8 or 9 and she spotted a bit the next day and we went to the ER, but they said she was fine. Her Dr suggested not having intercourse until week 13 or so. Now, yes we've gone longer stretches before without sex, but for the last week or two I've been making it clear enough that I'm still horny and feeling the need for release, but she kept ignoring me. I admit I find her even more appealing since getting pregnant. One aspect being firmer bigger rounder breasts. I even offered to just give her oral no strings attached and got turned down. Eventually (a few days ago) I gently confronted her asking her why she wasn't interested. She said that it's because she can't 'do anything about it'... I was confused, because I figured orgasm was a pretty good result, but apparently those 1-2 minutes of intercourse afterwards are more important to her than even to me?? So, ok, she doesn't want to do ANYTHING sexual because she can't have intercourse to end it... I suggested there are still things she could do with her breasts, hands, or mouth that could at least help me out, but she says that it shouldn't just be one-way. I meekly responded by saying that I guess I just have to accept it, and repress and ignore any sexual feelings I have for her.
Even when we have a confrontation, I talk quietly and calmly, she generally yells or talks in a loud agitated manner. If I feel bad, I apologize, if she feels bad, she gets mad that she had to feel bad and yells at me. So even in the midst of a confrontation where I try to describe my feelings (which I'm not great at), I still subconsciously avoid saying anything that might make her unhappy. She even asked if I thought she was selfish, which I've thought for 5 years, but I still say "no....." to save her feelings somewhat. For example, saying that I give her oral just about every time, and never get much back, or that I would give her oral just because I love her no strings attached (which she won't leave it at, she will require penetration afterwards for a minute or two, and if she can't have that, she doesn't want the first 30 minutes of pleasuring, she's VERY complimentary of my oral skills...to the point of wondering 'where I got them'. (She doesn't want me to watch porn)
Part of her new years resolutions were to lose weight (she did), get pregnant (she did), and get help from a psychiatrist, but she didn't follow through with that one and even crossed it out after getting pregnant cause she 'felt better'. I hoped she'd go and maybe address sexual and anger and life-coping issues that she has (not that I've ever told her I think she has serious issues in these areas, despite her, for example, freaking out and crying when she wants to have a bagel in the morning, so she takes a bagel out of the freezer, then realizes its frozen, so she goes and cries in bed. I, meanwhile, take a frozen bagel out, cut it in half, and put it in the toaster twice. She just can't deal with any unexpected challenges, a lot of the time). She had been abused in several ways as a teen and felt she could use help to get over them so those experiences wouldn't affect her present, so I don't get how being pregnant fixes any of that, but it's not like I can say "no, I think you still need help".
I've never been with anyone but my wife. I thought, based on our dating/engagement that she was a far more sexual creature. We didn't want to have sex before marriage (well, she secretly kind of did), but we would turn each other on to the point of needing to each separately finish ourselves off in the bathroom one at a time. She would, almost every weekend that I came to visit her, go topless while I (semi-)avoided looking or touching, and with my underwear still on, she'd rub her breasts around on me, which was such a turn on I sometimes couldn't even make it to the bathroom in time ;-). Basically, she was sexual and interested in turning me on then, but not after we got married. Why? Because it was taboo, not allowed (religiously). I've suggested various naughty/taboo things since getting married (ie semi-public feeling sex, like stopping on the side of a road and having sex on the grass on the other side of a cement barrier where noone could see us), but she's not interested. Perhaps that one blowjob that I've ever had in my life felt taboo to her since it was in the car at night, though as I mentioned she was pretty drunk after a Christmas party).
Are blowjobs so rare in married life? Those few people I've known who were very open about such things revealed that BJs were commonly given by the woman as rewards for doing nice things, or as bribes for doing things she wanted or buying things she wanted... Honestly it's not the biggest problem in the world, but if it happened even occasionally, I would feel so loved and more generally attracted to her, as I would see her as a sexual person, rather than just someone who I try to avoid getting yelled at. I give her flowers for no reason with relative frequency, I do most of the cooking and dishes, I let her buy things that I don't think are 'needs' all the time (money is one area where she's respectful), I tell her I love he and how beautiful she is constantly, but I never get 'rewarded' beyond a hug and an "awww".
I know I still need to explain to her somehow how much it would mean to be and what affect it would have on my happiness and satisfaction with the marriage. She even has debilitating fear that I will go back to porn and masturbation as I had done pre-marriage, but that extremely strong-sounding fear is not enough for her to actually DO anything to avoid that result.
Apologies for the long long story, but hopefully at least writing it gets it out of my head a bit, and if I get some useful advise out of it, great.
I give oral just about every time, I've had one blowjob in 5 years thanks to booze, and some oral foreplay 5 times. I give her flowers and do the cooking and dishes, but don't get rewarded. I've never considered it mandatory that she please me, but even in a period of 3-5 weeks where we can't have intercourse, she still refuses to do anything to help me out when I'm in 'need'. I'm timid and she angers VERY easily, so how do I deal with it or broach the topic of how much more positive I would feel about her and the marriage if the occasional 5 minutes on her knees were to happen?