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Old 06-05-2012, 07:56 AM   #1
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mustcamp HB User
Why does he masturbate instead of having sex with me?

My husband and I have been together for 20yrs and married for almost 15. I have NEVER told him no for sex. He continues to masturbate. This almost destroyed us in the past. Many many years ago when I found out he was masturbating he said "I'm not attracted to you anymore. Having sex with you is like having sex with a hooker, I'm just going thru the motions." It tore me apart to hear him say that. Some how we worked thru it so I thought. He said he would stop and not do it anymore. We have had our ups and downs like any marriage does. He plays in a band and there have been many times that I thought he was cheating on me with a groupie. He has even told me that they danced to "their song" (we donít even have a song). But he claimed there was nothing going on. We have gone to marriage counseling our last session didnít go well and I walked out. My husband never made another appointment. It helped some but not fully. Several years have passed since then and he is still in the band and that one groupie is still there along with other groupies. I just found out a few weeks ago he is still masturbating. And itís killing me inside. He said that he stopped for almost a year. So he has been lying to me for over 15 years. He says its not me itís him. I could understand this if I would tell him no but I donít, Iím the one that wants sex all time. When I let him know that I am in the mood he either rolls his eyes or laughs at me. That hurts too, the constant rejection. He said that we would talk about it but never have. There are many things that he says that we will talk about and never do. He says Ďwe will talk I promiseĒ but we never do. I feel he just says that to shut me up. I donít think he realizes (or cares) what it does to me. The counselor even said that it just ďfluffĒ you know beating around the bush. I love him more than he will ever know and I donít want this to kill our relationship. Can someone please help me out? I donít know what to do anymore.

 
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meirocco (06-08-2012)
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Old 06-08-2012, 08:34 PM   #2
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Location: new hartford, ny usa
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meirocco HB User
Re: Why does he masturbate instead of having sex with me?

im in a different situation. yet probably the same useless, unattractive, depressed, lonely person you may feel like i posted mine under mens health if you want to read my story. regarless of the differences in our stories, its the being caught in a dead marriage. what do you do? hes my highschool sweet heart who has been basically in my world leading a double life. and i feel im loosing, he says he wants to stay together, and loves me i make him so happy, lets see, he also told me he realized he has taken me for granted all these years, etc....long talk we had, and then i caught him masterbating 2 days after i found out what was going on, and 1 day after i had surgery. im lost, lonely and VERY depressed, all i want is my husband back from a long time ago...please read my post in the mens sexual health boards.

 
Old 06-13-2012, 08:34 PM   #3
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nahla HB User
Re: Why does he masturbate instead of having sex with me?

I am so sad for both of you and your situations.

Mustcamp: sometimes its hard to see a situation for what it really is when you are too close to it. From my outside perspective it seems he doesn't have any reguard for your feelings. It also sounds like he does what he does because he knows he can away with it without consequence to himself. Ive been married for 12 years and my husband did the same thing at one point in our relationship. I know exactly how it feels. The thing is, men will masterbate reguardless. Sometimes they masterbate because its quick, easy, and all about them. They never stop, and its a normal function (even for married people). However; it should not be replacing sex with a partner. Does he use pornography? How do you know hes materbating? Porn is a deal breaker in my house, it was something that took a long time for my husband to understand. After many talks and unsuccessful fights over it; I reversed the roles and started purposely doing what he was doing. It finally got his attention and he understood how it was making me feel. He hasn't used it since. I'm not recommending you to do what I did, but I would try to convey to him how his lack of sex makes you feel. Make him talk about it! Not later - now. Don't allow him to put off something that is hurting you so much.

The things he said to you were out of line. To compare sex with your wife to sex with a hooker is terrible. How the hell does he know what sex w/a Hooker is like?! Lets just hope he was assuming....have you tried to spice sex up a little? Do the opposite of what hes expecting you to do? If you usually are more reserved and he has to initiate - be aggressive and initiate it yourself (not telling him - acting on it); Or do something you wouldn't normally do. YOU be his groupie! Men love the attention - to feel wanted And adored like when you first started dating. When marriages are past the ten year mark, we forget to compliment them and they crave that attention. If he doesn't respond to this, then maybe you need a break...go away together.

The most important thing here is to get to a place where you can have a serious talk about what you need from one another. Not only does he need to hear what's bothering you, but you need to hear what he needs from you. If he doesn't give you the time of day to even talk; then you def need to go back to counseling.

I really hope something changes for the better between you two. I commend you for sticking with the marriage, though its hard. Don't allow him to treat you like crap though; there are men out there that would love to give you what hes not!!

 
Old 06-13-2012, 11:11 PM   #4
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katlin09 HB User
Re: Why does he masturbate instead of having sex with me?

Ummm...Wow!

He talks to you like that, says those things to you, you let him, you just take it, and you still clean his house, cook his meals and are willing to go to bed with him each night....Wow.

I married my high school sweetheart, we met at 16, I divorced him when we were 41 after 24 years of marriage. After I'd forgiven him for 5 affairs, after I'd done every single thing possible to keep my marriage and my sons' family intact. The thing I never thought to do, was keep me, my honor, my self-respect, my heart, my joy and myself in tact.

Your hanging on to a relationship with a man who thinks having sex with you is like screwing a hooker.....a man who's said he'd rather masturbate because with you it's going through the motions and he's not attracted to you. A man who dances, pays attention to, hangs around with and has songs with other women....WHY?

You are a person. You deserve better than what this man is tossing your way. You deserve to be loved, cherished, wanted and cared for....and he's not doing any of that.

Why would you want to stay married to someone like this? How can you even look at him or even bear to be in the same bed with him.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this pain, and I sincerely hope that you're brave enough to get out while there's still some of YOU left.

Take care,

Kat

 
Old 06-22-2012, 05:35 PM   #5
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Location: Poplar Bluff, MO
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jasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB User
Re: Why does he masturbate instead of having sex with me?

Meirocco, I too am in a situation sort of like you girls except my husband hasn't cheated on me and never says mean things to me. I would really like to write more with you on this subject. I think we could lean on each other or support and maybe offer each other advice.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-23-2012 at 04:48 PM.

 
Old 07-23-2012, 09:45 AM   #6
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Location: Stafford, ST, UK.
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NatePanda HB UserNatePanda HB User
Re: Why does he masturbate instead of having sex with me?

I'm sorry to be blunt and honest, but I would of left him by now. Love or not, it'll hurt to leave but you're depriving yourself of a lovely amazing guy out their thinking where is my sexy amazing true love, and your actually in a relationship that's making you miserable and is going to give you such self esteem issues...

Please consider leaving him.

 
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