It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Sexual Health - General Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-04-2012, 07:17 PM   #1
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Sasebo, Japan
Posts: 8
MarkDaily HB User
wife incapable of intimacy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am a married man who loves his wife. For some reason, my wife is completely unable to have any physical contact with me whatsoever, without appearing to be uncomfortable about it. She finds every excuse not to have physical contact with me. I'm not only talking about sex either. She has never, in our 7 year marriage, initiated sex, though. I don't think that I'm physically disgusting. I'm not overweight, or smell bad, or anything like that either. She won't even touch me. If I thought that she enjoyed sex, then I would think that she had someone else, but I don't think so. What can I do?

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 07-06-2012, 12:26 AM   #2
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: melbourne, vic, australia
Posts: 10
m005e HB User
Re: wife incapable of intimacy

Who knows...

Honestly, she could be deeply into toys? Maybe she has some serious sexual tension built up? Does she like girls? Does she need a whip to feel intimate or a loving kiss?

Like truthfully ask her. If you have said something in the past like "Oh by the way, why don't we have sex?". She shrugs it off so you change the subject. That's really not enough.

I would question a lot more then physical attraction to be honest. If you're not physically appalling there has to be something else going on.

Sexual stimulus: Does she need something to get off that you're not giving her?
Sexual attraction: Does she need a guy with abs? You don't have them? Get them, work your *** off, it's possible to fix this. If this is seriously the case you're actually in luck. Just work for HER.
Daily life: who does the house work? Who has more stress in their life? Kids involved?
Does sex even feel good for her? Who has been on the end of more orgasms? Do you always just go for missionary or doggy?
Do you kiss enough? Science shows this really helps sexual arousal, especially in women. Long deep kissing can make things much smoother. But that is only if she is attracted to you, otherwise it could do the opposite.

If I were you I would approach the situation something like this:

Walk up to her when you both have some time to yourself and start with "Do you find me attractive". Make her answer honestly, then try and push it a bit further. Don't rush into getting all your answers immediately but tell her your concern.

There is so much involved in this I can't even begin to fathom a straight answer other than "If you don't know, that is what is wrong".

If the above doesn't put you on the right path, go to a marriage or sexual counselor.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 07-06-2012, 12:38 AM   #3
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Sasebo, Japan
Posts: 8
MarkDaily HB User
Re: wife incapable of intimacy

Thanks for responding.
Here's some more details:
Toys:no, into girls:no, she likes me physically(the way I look).
Yes, we have one 5 year old daughter, but I'm a good husband and father and I help every chance that I get. Sometimes I want to help more, but she doesn't want me to(I guess to use it for some excuse not to have any time for me.

I agree about the kissing factor. I try to kiss her, and she always makes some kind of grimace. My breath isn't bad, I shave every day, and still she will say that I scratched her when we kiss. this is usually because she will pull her lips away from me quickly.
I really think it's a chemical imbalance or something, but when I have suggested this in the past, it just makes her angry that I said it.
She won't get checked out for this because then she would have no excuse for completely blowing me off all of the time.
Thanks again for your reply and suggestions

 
Old 07-06-2012, 08:58 PM   #4
Registered User
(male)
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: MA,USA
Posts: 81
rbbb HB Userrbbb HB Userrbbb HB User
Re: wife incapable of intimacy

MD,

I suspect, and you can think about how your wife reacts to you, that your wife has some deep dark sexual secret that she is bottling up. Sooo you should proceed with care and caution about disturbing such a thing or confronting her about what her problem might be. But to help her get over such a thing would mean she'd have to at least admit something had happened in the past and that she wanted to do something about getting past it. Hard to say if she would ever admit to you or if she would ever want to do anything about it (like see a shrink).

(Also she may have suppressed whatever it is so that even she no longer knows what it is .. sounds strange but it can happen).

Just my thought ....

rb

Last edited by rbbb; 07-06-2012 at 09:00 PM.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to rbbb For This Useful Post:
MarkDaily (07-08-2012)
Old 07-07-2012, 02:17 AM   #5
Veteran
(female)
 
WhenItRains's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 482
WhenItRains HB UserWhenItRains HB UserWhenItRains HB UserWhenItRains HB UserWhenItRains HB UserWhenItRains HB UserWhenItRains HB User
Re: wife incapable of intimacy

I agree with rbb...maybe she was sexually abused or something when she was younger.That can really effect a person badly.Some people act out by being overly sexual,but others have trouble with any intimacy at all.

I'm curious if you have ever talked to her about it and what she has said.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to WhenItRains For This Useful Post:
MarkDaily (07-08-2012)
Old 07-07-2012, 02:35 PM   #6
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 11
dselk01 HB User
Re: wife incapable of intimacy

Your not alone, I have been married for 42 years to a women just exactly as you have described. She and I were both married once before for about 7 years. In all these years she has never began sex or foreplay, always when we did have sex she would rush me to climax and get it over as quickly as possible. She has never once even kissed me or held my hand on her own. In the beginning I thought I could overcome the problem, however it got worse. The last 22 years have been without any sex at all. I see other couples that the wife hangs all over her husband and others kissing them without any particular reason. This has made me feel insecure, and caused me to masturbate to get relief. I'm at my wits end and having lived my whole life without feeling loved by someone who I love deeply. She won't talk about it at all and only will say she does not know why she is that way. She has had hormone tests which were okay. Now I'm 71 and still want to be loved and have sex but we could not afford a divorce. We can barely make ends meet together.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to dselk01 For This Useful Post:
MarkDaily (07-08-2012)
Old 07-08-2012, 02:17 AM   #7
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Sasebo, Japan
Posts: 8
MarkDaily HB User
Re: wife incapable of intimacy

Thanks for the responses,
She had only mentioned to me a couple of times about an incident where she had gotten in some old guys car, when she was young, but that someone had stopped anything from happening before it did. I'm starting to think that her story is different than she told me. She could tell me anything and I would alway be there for her. She had told me how she was glad that it happenned the way it did, and that she had escaped without anything happenning to her. After hearing these last 2 responses, I'm starting to believe that she was molested by someone, even if it wasn't this incident.
When we first had gotten together and had sex, she seemed fine. It wasn't until after we were married, that she seemed to not care much about sex, and now, she doesn't even like to be touched.
I do, however crave having physical intimacy, even without sex. I feel like a ghost.

 
Old 07-08-2012, 06:12 AM   #8
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 11
dselk01 HB User
Re: wife incapable of intimacy

Our stories are so connected, it's as if I'm looking and writing to a mirror. How can this be? It's as if they are the same person. At times I become overwhelmed and try not to dwell on it. I want so badly to be the man whose wife is normal and shows her husband the intimacy he deserves because love and devotion go hand and hand. I'm sorry you are going through this because no man could understand what you are going through unless they have walked in your shoes. It's an embarrassment to me to have to tell another person how cold my wife is and how it makes me feel. I don't know how old you are, but if you are younger than me and can make the expense it will take for a divorce, I would recommend you get a divorce and find someone capable of sharing your love and devotion. It's too late for me, I'll go to my grave feeling unloved. Don't think it will get better because in my case it has not. She told me to sleep in another bedroom because I disturbed her sleep. I suggest you run like hell and never look back, otherwise you will become me and I don't wish that on anyone.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to dselk01 For This Useful Post:
MarkDaily (07-08-2012)
Old 07-08-2012, 07:15 AM   #9
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Sasebo, Japan
Posts: 8
MarkDaily HB User
Re: wife incapable of intimacy

I'm embarassed too. Her friends look at us and think that we are a happy couple. She will smile and laugh with them around, and then as soon as they are gone, she turns back cold again. I'm younger than you(42) but I want to stay with my daughter(5) so I don't want her to live in a broken family.

Last edited by MarkDaily; 07-08-2012 at 07:16 AM.

 
Old 07-08-2012, 08:07 AM   #10
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 11
dselk01 HB User
Re: wife incapable of intimacy

I understand what you are saying because that is what kept me from divorce the first time. We have 4 and of course they are grown now, but they say hindsight is always more accurate than the present. Kids are very strong and adapt to change better than adults. You are making a great sacrifice which could affect your daughter down the road. She will see and learn from your wife's relationship with you and that is not desirable. You sure would not like her to become your wife down the road. However if you were to have a normal relationship with another wife who is normal and shows you love and attention. She might be better off. I would check with a lawyer regarding your chance of joint custody. I have a younger friend who had a divorce and his young son and his new wife are just as close as the boy and his mother are. In fact he seems to be happier with the joint custody than before the divorce. You deserve a woman who will share your love. You don't want to be in my shoes. The kids grow up and live their lives while you will be in the same situation you are now. Check out the pro and con of a divorce with a professional, or a church minister trained in such matters.

 
Old 07-08-2012, 06:54 PM   #11
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Sasebo, Japan
Posts: 8
MarkDaily HB User
Re: wife incapable of intimacy

Another part of the problem is that I'm an American living in Japan, and my wife is Japanese. I can only imagine how complicated, difficult, and expensive a divorce and child custody dealings would be for me here. I have a permanent visa and could stay here, no matter what. I am the sole breadwinner of the family and we all 3 depend on my income. When I married her, I made a promises to her that I intended to keep until death. Now I really don't care to live a long life. I can see the effects that our relationship, and my wife's behavior has on my daughter, and her relationship to me. Now the only things that I can look forward to is my private time where I feel like I have some control over my own life and happiness. Your replies have surely helped me to think more about what's going to be the rest of whatever life that I have. I still hope that I can hear more advice from you and others on how to deal with this "life".

 
Old 07-08-2012, 07:16 PM   #12
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 11
dselk01 HB User
Re: wife incapable of intimacy

Mark I sincerely hope somehow, in someway you won't have to live my life the rest of yours. Good luck and God bless.

Dave

 
The Following User Says Thank You to dselk01 For This Useful Post:
MarkDaily (07-08-2012)
Old 07-23-2012, 08:32 AM   #13
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 138
ssjup81 HB User
Re: wife incapable of intimacy

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarkDaily View Post
Another part of the problem is that I'm an American living in Japan, and my wife is Japanese. I can only imagine how complicated, difficult, and expensive a divorce and child custody dealings would be for me here. I have a permanent visa and could stay here, no matter what. I am the sole breadwinner of the family and we all 3 depend on my income. When I married her, I made a promises to her that I intended to keep until death. Now I really don't care to live a long life. I can see the effects that our relationship, and my wife's behavior has on my daughter, and her relationship to me. Now the only things that I can look forward to is my private time where I feel like I have some control over my own life and happiness. Your replies have surely helped me to think more about what's going to be the rest of whatever life that I have. I still hope that I can hear more advice from you and others on how to deal with this "life".
Hm, I'm not sure how true this is, but I was always under the impression that married couples (in Japan) having sex was low after a couple have kids. I can't help but wonder.

 
Old 07-23-2012, 06:41 PM   #14
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Sasebo, Japan
Posts: 8
MarkDaily HB User
Re: wife incapable of intimacy

This thread's title is "wife incapable of intimacy."
Sex isn't the only thing that this is about. It's about genuinely feeling loved.

 
Old 07-23-2012, 08:21 PM   #15
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 63
tula12 HB Usertula12 HB User
Re: wife incapable of intimacy

I too know how it feels to be married and unloved... it's miserable and not emotionally healthy for a person. I ended up married to a cold fish, it took me 20 years but I kicked him to the curb. I wanted my children who were 15 and 6 at the time to know that marriage/loving relationship was not supposed to be that way. They seen me become who I really am, not the person that marriage made me. It took me 6 years to get my self-esteem back and then someone came along and made me realize that I am deserving of a real love. I couldn't be happier and my ex, he's still a cold fish and will never change.

 
The following user gives a hug of support to tula12:
MarkDaily (07-23-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to tula12 For This Useful Post:
MarkDaily (07-23-2012)
Closed Thread

Tags
relationship issues, relationship problems



Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:18 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!