My relationship started 9 years ago. He was that great guy. Responsible single father, military man, intelligent. And he had never, ever cheated on anyone before. Until me. After what I thought was a great 5 years together, a young woman texted me that they were "hooking up". He was actually deployed at the time and she was basically letting me know that when he came home, I was history. But there was something odd about it all. She was young and the messages seemed far more aimed at trying to hurt his daughter than me, so I gave it little credibility. He was in a war zone and believe me the military makes it very clear that if you are a decent support system at all, you will suck it all up and keep any problems buried. Then, at the end of 6 years, Mr. Perfect cheated with a married woman. This one made sure I knew. Basically his reasoning was that he was never trying to build the foundation of a new relationship, just screwing. and both women just thought it was more than it was. Yes, he is that full of himself. He wasn't misleading them or manipulating them, he was just that fantastic.
I can't quiet explain the next 18 months. It felt out of body. I have so much more empathy after having gone through this. Here I was with this man that everyone thinks is perfect, and he has this dark, cruel, heartless side to him they would never suspect. It's almost like I went into "okay, I'll pretend too" mode. We were civil but non-sexual. We stayed together more out of need than anything else. We are both otherwise pretty much alone in this world, with neither of us having brothers or sisters.
Last fall he did me a big favor. He retired and formally dumped me. He no longer needed anyone to be his home support, his kids "were out of his hair" (honest to goodness, he said that in 3 different conversations and of everything he said that was the one that floored me as he truly had the perfect Dad image down pat) so he was ready to start having fun. I think the part I couldn't get my head around was that our first 4 years *WERE* so much fun. So I basically came to accept that I was scammed, used and dodged a huge bullet with his decision to dump me. I don't know how long I would have stayed in that out of body zone if he hadn't finally done me that favor. So here is why I'm posting here instead of the relationship board:
The thought of sex gags me now. I used to love sex. I loved a man's body. Even without it being perfect, I could find beauty and sexy in it. Now it just makes me nauseous. And oral? Oh no, not on your life. I actually think I would gag.
So did anyone else go through this? I am dating again and it's sooo uncomfortable. I've been out with 4 guys and they were nice enough. I warned them in advance that I was not going to jump into bed right away. So far I haven't met anyone I'd want to go to that level with, but I thought that as I started dating this feeling would pass. I actually sort of forced myself to get back out there to help move this along the path to recovery but the ick factor is as strong today as it was last November.
I'm not a kid. I don't have a lot of time. I want to have someone to share my life with and can't see that happening with the way I feel. I'm starting to wish there was a dating site for impotent men who just want a nice woman to share life with. Maybe there's a business idea for someone......