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-   -   I haven't wanted sex for 9+ months and FiancÚ is getting frustrated. Help? (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/sexual-health-general/921603-i-havent-wanted-sex-9-months-fianc-getting-frustrated-help.html)

Mansey 10-04-2012 03:52 PM

I haven't wanted sex for 9+ months and FiancÚ is getting frustrated. Help?
 
I feel like I'm being an awful fiancÚ because I do not want sex, and have no wanted sex for almost 9 months. We've been together for over 3 years and I love him 100% as much as I always have and while I never really [I]enjoyed[/I] sex but before I was happy to try and take part in this. Note I didn't enjoy it because he's bad, I just don't enjoy sex very much.

I know there's a few factors in this; I've been depressed for over a year now, not that I admitted I needed help until a month or so ago but I'm trying and I am getting better. I got help because he was getting frustrated with me, he acknowledged I was depressed but I wouldn't for the longest time. I'm making the effort to make myself better in that respect to try and help us and myself.

I lost a baby back in January and I had to go through that alone. I had told no one apart from him and then he went on to talk about it to his mother when I was pregnant because he needed someone to talk to and advise him of the future we were supposed to have. Before I could get the courage to tell my family we lost the baby at around 11-12 weeks. He's never been very good at comforting me, but I truly did have to cope with those feelings alone. Even now when I try to talk about it, I get more frustrated because I talk and I don't get anything back for him just the same "I have nothing else to add about what you've said, I don't know what you want me to say."

I think that's when I started to get frustrated emotionally and pull away from him, I couldn't talk without getting upset because half the time it's like bashing my head against an unsympathetic wall. I'm terrified I'll get pregnant and lose the baby again if we have sex, I'm only just about coping with the feelings that it was my fault and I failed now and it was so long ago I don't think I could handle it again.

I get annoyed because half the time I don't feel the emotion affection I need, and I can't make love to someone who doesn't show me he loves me - at least if he does, after all this time it's still not in a way I understand. He keeps getting angry because it has been so long and yet I tell him that I'm scared, I tell him that I don't feel emotionally save enough to have sex and when I try it never ends well because I don't enjoy it.

I still let him touch me, which he does almost every time we're alone and if I'm honest I get frustrated because it's really not that hard to kiss my cheek and hold me instead of groping me under my top or trying to pull my trousers down. I've even limited the amount of kisses because kissing him intimately turns him on and it hurts me to keep saying I'm not ready. I also still give him oral, because I feel bad that I can't satisfy him, but I don't like him trying to touch me and I've never liked oral my whole sexual life so that's never changed.

He wants to pleasure me, he's not a selfish lover and he gets upset because he can't do that for me even though I've told him again and again I really don't want it so there's nothing for him to feel bad over.

I feel like I've ranted a lot here, yet there's barely enough to cover what I'm asking. Is it normal, these feelings I have? Am I in the wrong for not just giving him sex? I don't know what I can do to try and make it more clear that I need to feel emotionally safe than telling him over and over again, getting upset because it feels like he doesn't respect he can't touch my body if I don't want him to and getting mad I won't have sex with him.

Is there any advice any one can give? I don't feel like the sexual side of our relationship is important, but without sex I don't think he can see it as a relationship for much longer and that is important to me because I understand we're two different people who need to understand what we each find important in a relationship and provide it.

ggs1 10-04-2012 05:11 PM

Re: I haven't wanted sex for 9+ months and FiancÚ is getting frustrated. Help?
 
hi there its not your fault you shouldent have sex if you dont want to. if he cant undestand that it mite be time to move on. hope that helps good luck

kanded 10-07-2012 02:42 AM

Re: I haven't wanted sex for 9+ months and FiancÚ is getting frustrated. Help?
 
Hi Mansey:
First of all, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. That takes a lot of healing to overcome I'm sure. It is normal what you are going through. All these feelings, you are grieving the loss of a person, and there is nothing wrong with that. That is part of you being a loving mother, and you were a loving mom to your baby even if he/she lived only a short time. Life will go on, harsh as that sounds, but that doesn't mean you will ever forget your baby.
Men may not always understand all of this, because they have never carried a baby in their tummies and don't always have those feelings till their baby is resting in their arms. (No offense to men out there)I know with my husband that was the case, especially with our first child. He seemed a little insensitive at times and I just wanted to drop him off a steep cliff somewhere. But as women, we have all these maternal feelings towards our babies even before they come out.
Men can also have a hard time sharing their feelings, because they're supposed to be the tough ones who take care of everything. Your man can't take care of this for you and that makes him feel bad most likely. He probably wants to fix this and fix you, but he can't. He doesn't have the words to console you either. Sometimes men need to be told very directly what it is we want from them. Like you say to him: I want you to tell me everything will be all right. I want you to tell me that you feel sad too. Some men are not very good at this. You might need to find another woman to talk to, like your mom or a close friend.
Sex is waayy important. Its a man's way of giving of themselves and is an emotional outlet for them. Sex is probably his way of wanting to reassure you. Without sex, men feel that nothing is right in their world. Some women can take it or leave it. Women rely more on words and feelings than the sexual act as a general rule for their emotional outlet. But if you were depressed even before the baby, then maybe something else is going on: with you, or your relationship with him. And having another baby may not fix what is going on with you. You might need to do some in-depth soul searching so that you can feel happy again. And you shouldn't feel guilty about feeling happy once again. That is every human being's right. You need to fix yourself first before you can fix your relationship. If you really love him, and he really loves you, then give each other time. He may not be able to wait, but that's kind of what true love is all about.
Best wishes to you both,
K.


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