Boyfriend has performance anxiety - what can I do?
My relatively new boyfriend of 5 months seems to be suffering from some kind of performance anxiety, and I don't know how to help him. We're both about 30 years old. Neither one is very experienced, he's my third sex partner and I'm his second.
We have tried to have sex a zillion of times, but every time he tries to get inside me, he goes soft. I don't think there's anyhing physically wrong with him - he gets a normal erection during foreplay, and I've given him oral sex countless of times and he has no trouble ejaculating inside my mouth. But every time he even thinks about entering me, he loses his erection immediately and gets frustrated and angry at himself.
I always tell him it's okay and that we'll get there eventually. I've also told him that I would never leave him over this (and I absolutely won't, he's my soulmate). But the problem still persists and I don't know what to do. I would love to have him inside me, and him only nobody else (which he also knows). I actually like penetrative sex a lot and I don't much care to be at the receiving end of oral sex, so this is a huge problem for us.
We've talked about this, and he says he gets nervous because he likes me so much and wanted this relationship to happen so badly that it almost scares him now that he got me. He says he's afraid of disappointing me and not being able to satisfy me. We also had a kind of a bad start, sex-wise; the first time didn't work because we were both drunk and terribly tired and he got fever later in the night because he was coming down with a cold, and of course we were also both very nervous. So the first night's failure must have made him anxious, and when we couldn't do it the next time either, the cycle was ready.
To top it off, three weeks into the relationship, I told him that I was sexually submissive and asked if he was okay with that. My ex wanted nothing to do with my submissiveness so I kept repressing that side of me for years, and when we broke up I vowed I would never again get into a relationship with somebody who thought I was a freak and didn't like my sexuality, so it was really important for me to know if he could handle this. And he said was cool with it, and I really think he is, but I also think this may have made him even more nervous about having sex with me so it may have been a mistake telling him so early...
I also wonder if I should stop making sexual initiatives and let him come to me as he might feel like I'm being too aggressive and he's being pushed, although, when I asked him he said it turns him on when I take initiative and that he likes it when I show him I want him. I've explained him that my submissiveness means that I'm his woman and he can take me whenever he wants to, that I'm not going to say no, but still he seems a bit afraid to take the initiative. It could be that he's afraid he'll go soft on me again and doesn't wan't to get me aroused and then disappoint me, which I understand, but it's not really that much of a deal for me. It bothers me much more when we're not even trying to have sex. Besides, if it doesn't work out, I can always give him a blowjob, which I really enjoy doing, so it's never useless to try.
I've tried to suggest that maybe we should go see a doctor together, or some sex therapist, but he doesn't seem very enthusiastic about it. But I'm starting to run out of ideas here, I don't know what else I could do to help this situation. What do you think?