It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Sexual Health - General Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 02-19-2013, 08:05 PM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1
sadnewlywed HB User
My husband has no sex drive

I feel almost embarrassed writing in a message board but I am desperate for anonymous advice and do not know what else to do. I have been with my husband for almost two years, but we are brand new newlyweds. My husband has always had a low libido, but stupidly I thought it would change once married. I thought maybe it was due to stress of planning/paying for a wedding and or other outside stresses. I am starting to realize this is just who he is. I love this man to the core but I am just not happy. Hes my very best friend and I fear if we do not correct our intimacy issues we will ultimately get divorced one day. Hes just not a sexual guy. Its just not something he thinks about and openly admits this. In the last two years I have gone through periods where we talked about it a lot, where I cried a lot, where we fought and even times where I was so numb to him I didnt even find him attractive anymore. I thought we had worked through it but since we got married he is back to having no sex drive. I feel stupid for thinking this would change. I fear I just married my best friend and will have no intimacy or the love I need in my life. I am a very sexual person who needs to feel loved and touched by her partner. I want to talk about sex, talk about what we both like and really connect on that level. I have expressed this to him and have suggested he see a doctor, but he thinks trying GNC vitamins is enough. Its just not important to him and says I knew this about him when I married him. Im 33 and want to have a family. I want to start trying to get pregnant but I dont want to do that with him if he doesnt really love me. I just dont get it. We can have the most perfect days and all I can think about is being close to him in that way and it just doesnt dawn him. We just end up watching hours of tv like we are roommates. I am an attractive fit women who has never had trouble keeping the attention of a man. I only want my husband and it hurts me so badly day in and day out that he doesnt make any advances towards me. I have talked to a couple of close men in my life and they think its abnormal and something is really wrong with him. Hes such a good person and I am trying to be understanding.. but its almost two years of this and we just got married! We dont have any distractions at home. I feel like this should be the honeymoon stage where we have sex frequently but weeks will go by with nothing. Im hurt. I am starting to resent him and am angry at myself for thinking he would change. They say sex is the barometer of the your relationship.. does that mean he doesnt love me? Even if he has a problem he sees how hard this is for me. Is he just selfish? Its not that he can't get it up. He just doesnt think about it and when I bring it up he does nothing. He sees me getting emotional as me just being crazy but honestly I am just so unhappy with our intimate life that I am balling right now. And I dont want to just have sex a few times a month to try to get pregnant. I want to feel close to my husband. I want to be madly in love. I want to love him in every way possible and all I feel is rejected and alone. Its like I am just living with my best friend who watches tv with me. Hes not even big on kissing for long periods of time. Just a kiss on the lips at bed time. Its so early in our marriage. I dont want to feel this way about him but I cant keep going in circles with conversations. And now Im balling. Please someone help me. He hates when I talk to my family or friends, but its been two years and I am just beyond desperate to have a happy healthy life. Hes not helping me with this. I need someone to give me some answers please. Has any other men experienced this and if so what will help us?

 
The following user gives a hug of support to sadnewlywed:
bigfun45ls (02-22-2013)
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 02-20-2013, 09:44 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: las vegas nevada USA
Posts: 1,209
lenvegas HB Userlenvegas HB Userlenvegas HB Userlenvegas HB Userlenvegas HB Userlenvegas HB Userlenvegas HB Userlenvegas HB Userlenvegas HB Userlenvegas HB Userlenvegas HB User
Re: My husband has no sex drive

Hi, there are many possible reasons your husband does not express his sexuality to you. Low libido could be psychological or physical. Of course physical causes could be low testosterone or low dopamine levels in the brain both of which can be medically treated. Low self esteem is a common psychological problem associated with low libido. He may be asexual in which all the parts work (because of physical stimulation) but the actual desire to have sex is virtually non existant. His refusal to seek medical indicates that in his mind he is comfortable with the way he is because he has always been this way. About 15% of men have a low libido and could care less about sex. Please do not think it has anything to do with you ie your beauty, desirability, personality or anything else. It is his problem but you are the one suffering. He is selfish for not wanting to make you truly happy and leaves you alone to cope with your unhappiness. Unless he gets help you will always be in this situation and will never be happy. If he does not get help you should consider leaving the marriage as your resentments will keep building over time and you will become miserable. There comes a point when you have to stop making excuses for him. I knew a woman years ago whose husband never made love with her because he was some sort of naturalist who believed sex would drain his spiritual energy. She ended up having an affair with a very nice man who gave her the love she needed. I know this case well because the man she had the affair with was me. So, this is why some women stray and no one could blame them.. More than anything try to have more serious discussion with your husband and exhaust all possibilities before you consider divorce or having an affair All the best to you

 
Old 02-22-2013, 08:32 AM   #3
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: minnesota
Posts: 9
bigfun45ls HB User
Re: My husband has no sex drive

I know what how you feel my wife doesn't want to have sex at all anymore been just about 2 years sencs we have it sucks I said forget it and started masturbateing and if she don't like it she should join in and have fun. I'm lost as will as you are with her as you are with him good luck

Last edited by Mod-S4; 02-22-2013 at 01:12 PM. Reason: Please type using full words. Thanks.

 
Old 10-18-2013, 12:56 PM   #4
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 1
Batgirl32 HB User
Re: My husband has no sex drive

I just googled 'my husband has no sex drive', and found your post. I have registered with the site because I simply had to tell you that I could've written that myself! Me and my husband have been together three years, married for just over a year, and I could relate to every single thing you said. It's heartbreaking. My friends are so jealous of what they think I have, and yet I hide this lonely secret of being 'unloved'. Not emotionally, but physically. He just doesn't seem to need it. He doesn't masturbate that I know of, he doesn't wake up with a morning glory like most other men I've experienced, and he just doesn't seem to have any passion. He will, like your husband, be content watching telly with me and holding my hand. It's driven me to all sorts of dark thoughts, and I'm at my wits end. I feel for you. I don't know how else to help, but I had to tell you that you are not alone.

 
Old 10-18-2013, 02:31 PM   #5
Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 399
movielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB User
Re: My husband has no sex drive

Your husband needs his testosterone checked for starters.

You don't mention how old he is.

Maybe he has low testosterone and that will do it.

 
Old 10-23-2013, 08:29 AM   #6
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: iowa
Posts: 1
tears do fall HB User
Re: My husband has no sex drive

...As I read your article, I began to question if I had written it myself.
I identify with everything you wrote.......and then some!

I don't have any answers unfortunately-and also fear that it will end in divorce!

5 years of no passion! UUUGGHHHH!

 
Old 10-27-2013, 11:47 AM   #7
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: tanzania
Posts: 8
mimi1612 HB User
Re: My husband has no sex drive

I can relate to everything that you have posted here. It's like you have just explained everything about my life. My husband is like that as well. Just 2 years of marriage. I felt all the pain you mention! it was hell to me. I end up living apart, and having an affair although i didn't want to. He is now trying to talk and convince me to go back to him but i just don't feel like it is going to work out!!..All i can say is you need to do something to make him understand how serious this is, and how miserable it makes you feel.So he can seek help!

 
Old 11-27-2013, 06:30 PM   #8
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 2
naysay HB User
Re: My husband has no sex drive

Hi there. I googled "my husband has no libido" and your post came up. Like the other ladies that have responded, I could have written your post.

I have been married for 4 years. For 2 of those years, we have barely had sex. For the first 6 months of what I thought was a rut, I tried to be an understanding and patient wife. I would initiate things despite often being turned down. I would try not to overreact when it didn't happen for awhile. I kept telling myself that I said "for better or for worse" when I married him and that this was just one of those "for worse" times.

After those initial 6 months, I began to express that it was hurting me and he told me he was sorry and that he would work on it. After about another 6 months of the same, I cried, yelled, cried some more, he said he would work on it, he said he would go to a doctor, he said so many things and did none of them.

Here I am 2 years after all that started and I feel an intense resentment towards him. Last month I said that despite the fact that he is my best friend and that I love him, I feel his lack of initiative shows just how selfish he is and that I can't spend my life with someone that selfish.

I guess he could tell I was serious, because he has now made an appointment to see a doctor. I know he is actually hoping there is something wrong with his hormones so he can take some pills and want to have sex with me more and that this whole thing will go away.

Despite the fact that he has this appointment that I have been begging him to make for 1.5 yrs, I still have all the resentment. Part of me feels that no matter what the blood tests say, I have already checked out based on the principle that it took him this long to consider my feelings and work on something that I made clear was so important to me.

I always knew his drive was lower than mine, but while we were dating and in the early part of our marriage, we were at a level I was okay with (not thrilled, but okay). I think part of the reason I was willing to compromise is because the sex was of high quality even though the quantity was not quite what I wanted.

I feel ashamed. I feel like I am not myself. I feel resentment. I feel ugly. I feel like a bad wife for considering divorcing my husband for this when there are so many wonderful things about him, but the root if this problem is not just the physical need for sex. It is the emotional need for a husband to - at times - put his wife's feelings above his own and do things he may not always feel like doing because it is important to her. If the roles were reversed, I would have made a doctor's appointment over a year ago.

Here I am at 29 with 2 of my 4 years of marriage lacking any intense physical intimacy. I never imagined I would be in this situation and now I am at a loss. I don't want to lose my best friend but can't live like this.

Help! sadnewlywed, how are things now? Any progress? Looking for hope!

 
Old 11-30-2013, 04:34 PM   #9
Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: texas
Posts: 96
odolson HB Userodolson HB Userodolson HB Userodolson HB Userodolson HB User
Re: My husband has no sex drive

Naysay,
I am going to give you my thoughts on your situation.. I will not deal with the past because no mater how much you kick this problem , you will end up right back where you started.. Your husband's problem is totally his, resp. to pursue the fix where ever it leads him.. Men have some selfish ways and they like to leave these intimacy issues up to wife and they do not want to share their problems with any one including DR's .. They think that every thing will be OK at some point. I can say these things because I am a man that has had to deal some these type of problems during my 48 years of marriage..
Now you would think that after 42 years of marriage I would be really great as a husband, lover and provider.. I was not -- I had retried and become very self centered. Golf -traveling etc became my passion.. One day as was getting ready to play golf, my wife stop me and looked right in my eyes and said - you have not touch me in 3 weeks, and this wasn't about sex, I had not even hugged , kissed or brushed arm in bed.. THAT stopped me in my tracks and
from that moment I change my life.. Matter of fact I did not play golf that day.. With her help I got busy fixing my Manhood problems, reading books, seeing DR's and with that ,fell back in love with my wife and her great body parts.. I say all this , to tell you to get his attention without tears and get his butt in gear.
He needs to do more then get a check up, he needs to read some books and figure out how to make love to his wife, immediately !! main book for him to read is -- "She Comes First"" he needs to get his Testosterone level up pass 300 mark -- that takes shots not gel -- You do not have to be old to . need "T" treatment. My son is 41 and is taking shots.. I have been taking shots under DR 's direction for 6 years. My level at last months check up was 395 and I can not leave my wife alone.. I would hate to see this problem end your marriage, but if he does not show a major turn around with these actions then I feel that you might have to discuss that very frankly with him. One of the main things for marriage is passion and intimacy without out it --it is like eating green beans for dinner every night.. You are Not going be Happy.. In your case this is not the wife's problem to fix.. My thoughts only ----odolson

 
Old 12-01-2013, 05:03 PM   #10
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 2
naysay HB User
Re: My husband has no sex drive

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond.

I wish my husband had reacted the way you did the first time I looked him in the eyes and expressed my concern about the lack of intimacy. The crying and anger came from the frustration of saying the same thing for a long time.

I am going to make an appointment with a marriage counselor this week too. Like you suggested, I feel like it is not just the T issue we need to deal with (if that is even an issue...we are not even 30 yet), but his self-centeredness.

Thanks again, odolson.

Last edited by naysay; 12-01-2013 at 05:07 PM.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to naysay For This Useful Post:
odolson (12-10-2013)
Closed Thread




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



lenvegas (12), rosequartz (8), writeleft (6), Kszan (5), Tivo123 (4), ladybud (4), Titchou (4), Kali333 (4), solofelix (4), captjane (4)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (997), Apollo123 (896), Titchou (832), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (757), ladybud (745), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:48 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!