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Old 04-25-2013, 12:07 PM   #1
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How do you set rules for swinging in a relationship (swinger, sex addiction)

http://www.healthboards.com/boards/sexual-health-general/871462-wifes-ex-lover-had-much-larger-penis.html

So a little over a year ago my wife and I started "exploring" fantasies and new area's of sexuality (for me anyway). I won't bore you with the back story because itís long and convoluted and took a while to unfold. See the link above if you want to read. Basically we started swinging and enjoying sexual experiences with others.

This "exploration" was fun for both my wife and I to start with but it has gotten out of control. It went from being once every few months, to once a month, to several times a month, to about once a week now. The dynamic has also changed. We started enjoying these experiences with other couples together. But as time has passed the rules of engagement slowly shifted as we got to know more people in the lifestyle. Now my wife enjoys these experiences with and without me present, with and without my participation and with multiple singles and couples and with and without us having prior discussions about what activities will take place. I also feel that the focus of the activities has changed from mutual enjoyment to her self gratification. As the frequency and type of encounters has changed I have felt that the intimacy and trust in our relationship has really suffered.

My wifeís opinion is that these people are now friends and we know and trust them. Which is true for the most part. So she feels that she shouldnít have to ask my "permission" again and again or have discussions with me about what is going to take place and when because we have "done it all before". I have consented to her spending time with our friends without me present in the past because I was away on business a lot last year and I did want her to feel left out just because I couldnít be there. I knew that there would likely be sexual activities that would take place while I was not there. I did not feel jealous or threatened by this because I felt like these were decisions that we were making together. Now my wife has the perception that because these types of activities we ok'd once, they are always ok and donít need to be discussed again. My permission has been granted and I am just being jealous and possessive. She is correct that I have consented to her participating in many different types of scenarios (FFM, MMF, or her favorite MMMF DP DV etc) without my participation but I was at least present most of the time and felt like I was included even if just by watching. But I think regardless of what has transpired in the past between "friends", there is a big difference between getting together with a friend to go shopping, or having a friend over to your house for coffee and chat etc., vs. having a friend or friend(s) over to your house to enjoy coffee and then sex. Whereas I don't feel the need to know about shopping and coffee etc, I think it is perfectly normal to want to know about the later.

The first time this happened without me knowledge I was really at a loss. She made no attempt to conceal or lie to me about what had happened during the day. She acted like it was perfectly normal. Told me all about "her day" and how nice it had been to catch up with and enjoy time with our friends. We had a discussion about it and weren't able to agree on ground rules. I feel insecure about us. I now fear that she enjoys sex with others more than she does with just me because she probably has about as much sex with others as she does with me. Since then she has been much better about telling me whatís going on but I still feel likes itís just a formality. I.e. she is just telling me hey "Jack and Steve are coming over to visit in few days, do I want to be around?". Implied "Jack and Steve are coming over to have hours of sex with me in a few days". I did decide to be around for one such visit and its not that it felt awkward or I felt unwelcome there. Quite the opposite I like "Jack and Steve" and enjoy there company as drinking, golfing cycling buddies too. Its just I felt like it wouldn't have mattered if I were there or not. I have thought about talking some of our friends about this. I supposed that I am hoping that if they know I am not completely comfortable with what is going on between them and my wife, that they won't participate without me consenting also. But I don't want to create drama in their lives and put them in the middle or my relationship issues. I need to find a way to help my wife understand how I feel about things. I donít want us to stop enjoying these experiences altogether. I just want to dial it back to a level that we are both comfortable with. I want the focus of her sexuality to be our time together and not just her needs and desires.

I am starting to wonder whether she has sex addiction issues. How do you figure out if someone has sex addiction? I have done a little reading on the topic and it is unclear to me. I don't know that I feel the overall frequency that we/ (or she) have sex is abnormally high (every day/other day). I just find the frequency with which she wants wild encounters with multiple or different partners to be abnormal even for a couple "in the lifestyle". Is it possible to be a sex addict of just specific types of sexual activity?

 
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Old 04-26-2013, 04:30 PM   #2
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Re: How do you set rules for swinging in a relationship (swinger, sex addiction)

I hate to seem discouraging but it seems like you're trying to put the toothpaste back into the tube.

I don't know what you expected but, once you've opened up your marriage to others, it's probably going to be impossible to set boundaries "after the fact", particularly because it doesn't sound like your wife is very interested in having any boundaries at all.

Your only hope is to have a very honest conversation with her about your feelings and the boundaries you'd like to set but defining boundaries at this point is going to be awfully difficult when things have gotten this out of control (and it sounds like she is perfectly comfortable with where things are so the issue is going to be what YOU are comfortable with and whether she's willing to accept that boundary).

You might also want to find a counselor but I suspect that any trained professional would tell you that someone who is engaging in risky sexual behavior with multiple partners at the same time, on a regular basis, while they're married, is a sex addict, and it sounds like that describes both of you.

 
Old 05-03-2013, 08:21 AM   #3
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Re: How do you set rules for swinging in a relationship (swinger, sex addiction)

Hi, living in a sexual wonderland will not fill the void in your empty lives. I say empty because you and your wife have lost the romance and intimacy in your marriage and you use sex as a way to make an intimate connection which is really a bottomless pit hence your wife taking on more and more sexual partners but no real connection. Is your wife addicted to sex?........What difference does that make? You call these people real friends you can trust.....that is just plain silly, really those two men coming over to your house to see your wife did not come over to chit chat but rather just to do her and the fact that she gave you the option to join in is just plain out of control. You need to stop this hobby, take your wife to Cancun or Aruba for a week and try to recapture the romance and intimacy that got you two together in the first place.

 
Old 10-20-2013, 10:43 AM   #4
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Re: How do you set rules for swinging in a relationship (swinger, sex addiction)

So what ended up happening? In my experience, no matter what rules are set, one person becomes more enthusiastic than the other and jealousy and insecurity result, decimating the marriage. People enter into the lifestyle for "presumed exploration," but what I find is that it's really just a way to cheat and also a way to satisfy an addiction. Sometimes both people are sex addicts, but usually it's one person and the other attempts swinging to go along, to appease the other person. I have not seen swinging create trust or anything beneficial to a marriage/relationship. My ex-bf, was married three times. All of his relationships failed because he could not stop. If this does not scream of addiction, nothing does. He chose variety and "exploration," over intimacy, trust and honesty. Also, there is a possibility that he may be carrying a serious STD. He is still on several sex sites and "plays" anyway. Why anyone would trust and "friend" a swinger is crazy. You are playing with your life!

 
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penis size, relationship issues, sex addiction, swinger, threesome




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