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Old 07-10-2013, 01:42 PM   #1
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My wife won't have sex with me

The title says it all, but here's my story. Is there any hope for me?

I've been married to my wife for 8 years. We are both now in our early 40's and have been together for 11 years. Two children, 8 and 5 years old.

When we first got together the sex was great. She's a very attractive woman and I still find her highly desirable. We met at work and she spent a year 'stalking' me and I resisted her advances many times as I was engaged to somebody else. Finally though I caved in and the previous engagement was soon called off, and we seemed to set off on a lusty hormone driven adventure, of mutual desire and attraction. Great! This was a great time and we were serious about each other and very open and honest. This lasted for about 2 years when - pop - along comes a baby. The pregnancy was all fine and the sex continued long into it, we planned for the future and we were in love.

As soon as the baby was born the skies turned grey. Sex was a definite no, but I understood and never pressured her - things would return to normal in good time. But, they did not return to normal. We talked, things would get better she said, and I tried to understand. But after 2 whole years of no sex it became very hard to understand. She stopped wanting to even talk about it and accused me on occasion of harassing her. I was becoming very sexually frustrated and eventually I stopped trying altogether as rejection was battering my self esteem.

Out of the blue, after 2 years of no sex, she one evening started giving me oral in the lounge and told me to take her upstairs - which of course I eagerly did and we had great sex all night and in the morning. Things had returned to normal? Not at all. My advances were flatly and coldly rejected from then on and she would get angry with me for trying to talk about it.

Of course a few weeks later she announces to me that she is pregnant, and I am shocked. So shocked I was almost shaking and she got really mad at me for not being overjoyed at the news. We had never discussed having another child, but very obviously her mind was made up and she 'tricked' me into giving her what she wanted. She later admitted to this in a drunken moment of honesty.

Fast forwarding, there has been sex 5 times in the past 5 years. She never, ever wants to talk and gets really angry when I even mention it. There are no answers, just utter rage from her and accusations again of harassment.

I go through phases now of being enraged myself, and I am utterly and completely sexually frustrated. Sometimes it's unbearable and I wonder why I am still with this woman at all. This morning was difficult, my hormones were high and sperm count through the roof and I thought I would lose my mind. I was angry with her, the children, everyone. As I drove her to work she says "do you think you behaving like this is helping? Do you think this makes me want to have sex with you?". I nearly stopped the car and walked away.

I am now something of a chronic masturbator and over time internet pornography has become a huge part of my life. My sex drive is as high as it has ever been, and I have time find time to relieve myself regularly which often means staying up late into the night when everyone is safely in bed. This causes me massive anxiety and makes me feel sneaky, which I hate. And of course it only really compounds my frustration - as any man will tell you this kind of masturbating does not make you feel good about yourself. But it is necessary to relieve the tension and pressure.

I know that my wife masturbates too. She has a collection of vibrators, a legacy from the good days, that I bought for her years ago. She uses them, there are ways of telling that.

Despite this, I still find my wife highly desirable and I have never been unfaithful to her. But the sex is obviously long dead and I'm not sure it will ever return.

Why don't I divorce her? There is too much invested. Mortgage, kids, debts etc, and I really don't want my children to suffer this. On the face of it we get on OK, but I have a deep rooted longing and desire for a good sex life, and at times (like right now) the frustration is overwhelming, and it's having a very negative effect on my life. I feel my world and hers are far far apart and there are things in my life that I simply cannot discuss - although in truth I would love to.

So what can I do? I have tried romance and gentle understanding, but it goes nowhere. The rejection became too much to handle and I have just given up. I wonder sometimes if I am depressed and I certainly have a short fuse. I have never been violent and I never will be. But I do wonder where I am heading.

Help ...?

 
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Old 07-10-2013, 02:51 PM   #2
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Re: My wife won't have sex with me

Hi, much of this problem is due to the biological mating process imprinted in a woman's brain. In the beginning she chased you knowing you were engaged because she saw you as a fertile man as you were with another woman and through your marriage this biological process continued until she got what her biological brain wanted, a baby. So. after the first baby the sex started to diminish until her biological brain wanted another baby and then she seduced you. She no longer needs you to fertilize her so no sex but the dichotomy is she still masturbates which indicates she still gets aroused but unfortunately she is in control and chooses not to have sex with you for whatever reason. Now, how to get your wife to want you again.....If she thinks another woman is interested in you, it may light a fire under her butt but you have to be subtle about it ie. be late coming home a few times, get a friend to call you at home and in front of your wife say you can not talk now.....Think of your own plan and be clever, it is very powerful if done correctly/

 
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Old 07-10-2013, 10:54 PM   #3
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Re: My wife won't have sex with me

From a woman's perspective, we really are very different to men. Men have a high sex drive and are driven by hormones and visual stimulus and they have a much narrower view of sex compared to women. For most women emotions play a big role in their sex drive so if things aren't good in the relationship then that door to sex can quickly slam shut because we can manage fine without for a lot of the time and things like conflict in the relationship can just shut down the desire.

There are some things that you are really doing wrong though. Don't pester your wife for sex when you know she is has not had an interest for a long time, because a woman doesn't want to feel like she has to provide a service so you can relieve yourself (that sounds horrible but that's how it can come across).

If you are feeling resentful and short tempered then you won't get anywhere. That is the quickest way to have the door slammed in your face. You need to start making your wife feel loved and non sexual affection goes a long way towards that. Kissing your wife, hugging her, showing her you love and appreciate her without the intent of trying to have sex with her. If she starts feeling close to you she will be more receptive to it. Women can't just turn it on like men and you should never think it's her "duty", women want to have sex under the right conditions but they don't want to feel as though it's some chore they have to perform because the man is horny.

The other things is the porn. Chances are your wife knows about that and it is a huge turn off for a wife.

I think this may have started with the baby, and her priorities had to shift to caring for her newborn and perhaps she didn't feel like she was getting the help and support she wanted, and maybe at that time you started getting resentful about the lack of sex in your behaviour and that just drove you further apart. The other thing too is that if sex isn't rewarding for the woman, they can get pretty bored and think why bother?

I think there has to be a huge shift in your thinking about it from needing sex to meeting her wider needs and get back to a closer relationship. It takes time to do that and it will only happen if you stop with the short fuse and resentment and start looking at things differently, because sex has to be about both partners and it sounds like that isn't happening and the relationship is just not that conducive to a good sex life. You know the saying, "happy wife, happy life"? there's a lot of truth to it.

Last edited by captjane; 07-10-2013 at 11:06 PM.

 
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Old 07-11-2013, 07:42 AM   #4
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Re: My wife won't have sex with me

Thanks for the replies. The first one from lenvegas makes a lot of sense to me. Your reply, captjane, I do have a slight issue with.

> There are some things that you are really doing wrong though. Don't pester your wife for sex

This is simply not true, I do not pester my wife for sex at all. Whenever it is mentioned, in whatever context, she gets really mad at me. Like I said I have tried the gentle, romantic and loving approach and she cold flatly rejects these, and she never ever wants to talk about it.

> The other things is the porn. Chances are your wife knows about that and it is a huge turn off for a wife.

Frankly I don't care if she knows about it. I would like to even tell her, but it does not seem appropriate. We would previously watch porn together and she got really turned on by it.

> The other thing too is that if sex isn't rewarding for the woman, they can get pretty bored and think why bother?

I understand completely what you are implying here. Crappy partner gets his and leaves her unsatisfied. Again this is wide of the mark.

> You know the saying, "happy wife, happy life"? there's a lot of truth to it.

Yes, absolutely. But also happy husband, happy household is equally true.

Thanks for your reply Jane but really it sounds like I should be the one making all of the effort in this area, and be the one to suffer rejection whilst my wife holds all of the keys and makes no effort herself.

It really is the woman that has the power in these situations, and they certainly know that. The man must put in all the effort and casually decide when he has done enough to be 'rewarded' for his good behavior. The woman can go into sexual hybernation for great periods of time where as a man simply cannot. The drive is too strong and animals on a plain will tear each other to pieces for the chance to mate with a female who nonchalantly watches from the side on, before allowing the winner a quick hump.

These are biological facts and humans are no different to lions or gazelles.

Sorry if this sounds bitter, I don't really mean it to, but I also do not know what to do. Maybe there are deeper issues here, but if there are then my wife isn't telling me what the problem may be. I don't think I have any myself, I'm an easy going guy with an otherwise fine life, but I am feeling almost tortured by my wife's attitude and suffering deep sexual frustration.

 
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Old 07-11-2013, 08:06 AM   #5
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Re: My wife won't have sex with me

;frustratedman, sorry if you took my post to be woman centric. I was just trying to explain the differences between men and women because a lot of men don't really get it (hint, hint) The truth is that nature designed men and women very differently so it is what it is. men are designed to be stronger and fitter to beat other males for procreation. women are designed for conception and gestation without the strong sex drive so other factors have become really important to creating a good sex life so that women are receptive to recreational sex. I just thought you would like the female perspective.

"Yes, absolutely. But also happy husband, happy household is equally true."

LOL, yep as long as that "happy husband" doesn't need actual sex and is happy to masturbate to porn then it's all good. If you don't get it, you don't get it

marriage is all about compromise for both partners, no one gets everything they want so you have to decide if it's more important to be the head honcho or if you want a functional marriage and good sex life. You can tell yourself all you want that your wife is happy with things and is completely satisfied when you have sex, but look at the results, do they really tell you this? or do you just want to believe it? based on results it just isn't true.

Last edited by captjane; 07-11-2013 at 10:26 AM.

 
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Old 07-13-2013, 12:39 PM   #6
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Re: My wife won't have sex with me

FrustratedMan: First, how you have kept yourself in a marriage without intimacy for five years is beyond me. I don't think many men would put up with that for even a fraction of that time. Five Years!!! What is going on here? My husband would start crawling out of his skin after 4 weeks! And yes, there were spells in our marriage when 4 to 5 weeks was not unheard of when the kids were little and mom was getting little sleep and exhaustion would set in. And at bedtime it was let me sleep! But five years? And your kids are not little babies? Something is happening here. As a wife I can say I wasn't always "in the mood", but after a few weeks, even if I still didn't feel like it, I knew I have to "take care" of my husband. Why is this not being done? A small sacrifice to ask. And you know what, sometimes after saying okay go ahead....I actually got into it and many times climaxed even though I really wasn't in the mood when we started.
I agree that men are more in the mood than women most of the time as one poster stated, but I also think women don't really understand how horrible it is to be wanting intimacy so bad and not getting it on their husbands part. Its not even just the sex, but the closeness, the intimacy involved in the act. I realized this after my husband who is 59 sex drive started to decrease and at the same time mine increased. ( A previous post of mine explains ). But it was only then that I have truely found out how bad it feels to be wanting love and not getting it is often as I liked. Let me tell you. The first time my husband said, no thanks, I'm not in the mood, I was furious!...Its okay for us women to deny over and over, but tell a woman NO and look out she will be Pi##ed! I have to say, good for you for sticking it out, how you have I don't know. I would go along with lenvegas as to start making her feel she could be replaced or something and if that don't work for you I would think you have to move on for your own well being and sanity.
Marriage and sex takes effort from both partners. The love that is shared and trust after years together is beautiful. Anyone can have sex. It takes Love from a true relationship for a wonderful fullfilling sex life to happen and grow. By the way, I am 52 and have been married for 33 years to the same man. Our kids are raised and on their own now and I have told my husband I will never deny him of having sex ever again when he may be in the mood and I'm not because I know how it feels now to get that rejection and that is totally not cool to your partner that you love.
I wish you well. Life is too short to feel the way you do for as many years that you have. Keep in mind our bodies change as we get older too. My husband started having problems with ED in his early 50's. Your in your early 40's. How many years do you continue to wait for something to change or happen. Good luck, all the best.

 
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Old 07-13-2013, 11:00 PM   #7
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Re: My wife won't have sex with me

"Its okay for us women to deny over and over, but tell a woman NO and look out she will be Pi##ed!"

I don't think that's a normal reaction for a woman either. I've been turned down plenty of times by my husband because he has fairly regular back problems so even if his back is just starting to spasm or hurt he won't risk making it worse by having sex and I get told "no, it's not going to happen". But I've honestly never felt the need to make him feel bad about it by judging him or getting mad, I take it for what it is and I just have to wait until his back is feeling better. I'm not going to have a tantrum over it, or lay on some guilt trip.

Last edited by captjane; 07-13-2013 at 11:02 PM.

 
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Old 07-14-2013, 07:57 AM   #8
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Re: My wife won't have sex with me

captjane: Obviously if there is health issues or someone is sick or not feeling well one isn't going to expect intimacy to happen. Not a mature adult anyway. What I posted was a comment how many women over the years can regularly turn down sex for no reason except I am just not in the mood over an over again and expect their partner to go on forever unfufilled. But if the tables were turned it most likely wouldn't go over very well. Like FrustratedMan pointed out, which I think is pretty accurate too is women can go into sexual hybernation for a LONNNNNGGGG time and be totally fine. Men are not like that.

 
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Old 07-14-2013, 09:15 AM   #9
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Re: My wife won't have sex with me

Have the second child DNA tested for a match with you.
You may be in for a nasty surprise.

Last edited by Voxx976; 07-14-2013 at 09:16 AM.

 
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Old 07-14-2013, 09:50 AM   #10
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Re: My wife won't have sex with me

Quote:
Originally Posted by Voxx976 View Post
Have the second child DNA tested for a match with you.
You may be in for a nasty surprise.
Voxx, if you read the original thread, Frustrated man he tells us when, where and how the second baby was conceived. The remark you made is really not called for as these people have serious problems as it is......

 
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Old 07-14-2013, 03:38 PM   #11
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Re: My wife won't have sex with me

Thanks for all you replies. Jane -

> You can tell yourself all you want that your wife is happy with things and is completely satisfied when you have sex, but look at the results, do they really tell you this? or do you just want to believe it? based on results it just isn't true.

Still suggesting it is all my fault for not sexually satisfying my wife. Thanks for reiterating but I don't really need to hear that again. It's completely unfair and quite a bit insulting. It's also irrelevant to this situation.

Thanks also for anecdote about your husbands back problems, but again it's not really relevant. I'm sorry he has back problems though.

I've decided that really this has gone on long enough and that I do want to divorce. I am going to try one more time to speak to her about this, and if I don't get any positive feedback then I'm going to call it quits. What is the point? Maybe it's the hot weather, but I am sick of this frustration and mental torture. Nearly every girl I see in the street seems highly desirable and I can't bear it.

Will post an update after this impending conversation, fwiw.

 
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Old 07-14-2013, 04:38 PM   #12
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Re: My wife won't have sex with me

Good luck with your conversation. Your situation really is a shame. I totally agree with you that if there are medical concerns, it's a different situation, but right now you're both healthy and should still be intimate.

Something's going on with her and she's gotten away with it by avoidance. I agree it's time to force the issue. It would be great if it makes her agree to counselling and admit that there's something wrong with having sex with your husband once a year.

I've never been in a situation where I've not wanted to have sex with my partner. Even when the relationship was totally deteriorating, that was still something we did. I don't know, maybe my drive was higher.

BTW, I think what she did to get pregnant the second time is despicable. I would equate that to you having a vasectomy and then telling her you'd like to try for another child, just to get sex.

Again, my condolences and good luck. And keep us posted.

 
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Old 07-19-2013, 02:01 PM   #13
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Re: My wife won't have sex with me

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Originally Posted by lenvegas View Post
Voxx, if you read the original thread, Frustrated man he tells us when, where and how the second baby was conceived. The remark you made is really not called for as these people have serious problems as it is......
Do not discount that she could have had an affair. She could have had an affair at that same point in time without protection. Then, to cover the tracks in case she became pregnant, she seduced you. She then has the argument that it is your child. Don't discount the actual facts as set forth, nor try to read facts into the original post.

 
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Old 07-27-2013, 06:20 AM   #14
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Re: My wife won't have sex with me

Quote:
Do not discount that she could have had an affair. She could have had an affair at that same point in time without protection. Then, to cover the tracks in case she became pregnant, she seduced you.

Exactly! It has been used for millennia to cover up adutery. It is doubly telling when the wife get's "passionate" all of a sudden after months of frigidity. and then, lo and behold, "Guess what honey, WE'RE pregnant."

Have a DNA test of yourself and the baby before you start paying child support.

It really sounds like you might have been cuckolded...no harm in finding out for sure. I would.

Last edited by Voxx976; 07-27-2013 at 06:27 AM.

 
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Old 07-27-2013, 10:43 AM   #15
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Re: My wife won't have sex with me

Christ - you guys have planted a seed of doubt in my mind now, and I am actually going to get a test to see if the child is mine. It could prove useful in the case of a divorce, which I think is only a matter of time away.

The second child does actually look quite different to the first, but ours is a mixed race marriage and I have always attributed the differences to that fact alone. We did always wonder during pregnancy what the children would look like, and when you mix genes from 2 mixed bags I guess anything can happen.

I would be gobsmacked though if the child turns out not to be mine, but this could be Mr Naive talking here. My wife is a very attractive woman and I have sometimes wondered about other guys sniffing around. I'm an attractive man myself, ok not in the league of a Jude Law or David Beckham, but I don't make women wretch and I have even been propositioned a few times but have always declined. I'm "not that type of guy", but maybe it will turn out that I should have been. So I know what it's like, and yes maybe it will turn out that my wife has actually been propositioned, pooned, and even impregnated.

Apparently it can take a while to get results back, but when I do I'll post it on here. What the heck. This is starting to sound like a Jeremy Kyle middle aged special.

 
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