husband with low libido - Sexual Health - Men Message Board

Lawgirl · 04-20-2004, 08:54 PM

My husband has little to no sex drive. I've tried talking about it, NOT talking about it, lingerie, exercise, oral sex (me to him), manual stimulation... nothing gets him interested. Occassionally I'll get him up enough for intercourse, but he seems to have no DESIRE. He used to kiss and touch like he WANTED sex, now he'll just occassionally do it to placate me- about one out of every 15 times I try to initiate it. I'm in my 20s and nice looking, I could stand to lose a few pounds (maybe 5-10) but I am not completely unattractive. We are newlyweds- married less than a year, and his drive has been decreasing over the last 2-2.5 years.

Could it possibly be low testosterone? He seems low and blue, and just generally uninterested in things. I've approached him about the low sex drive- he snapped and just said he's "not 22 years old." Well, 22 he ain't, but he's only 33! Also, I've noticed he never wakes up with a morning erection anymore, although he used to a few years ago.

Is there a kind but firm way to ask him to see a doctor and get a general physical? I am so in love with this man, but I feel like we're missing out on a lovely part of being in love!

Blastoff9600 · 04-20-2004, 09:50 PM

I hate to bring in stuff from another board but it might play a role in what is going on. You were recently pregnant and m/c and that can effect a man just as easily as it effects women. He might not feel comfortable enough with everything right now. He also might be worried that if you do get pregnant again that the same thing might happen again. He could be worried on how a second m/c might effect you and him.
Also you are ttc and that can put pressure on him and that can cause problems. When it comes to ttc sometimes we forget to keep the sex fun instead of functional and that can kill a sex drive quicker than just about anything else. Some guys cant handle that kind of pressure. Not saying you are doing that either intentionally or unintentionally but he could feel that way and that isnt good for a sex drive.
Men also with age tend to have a decline in drive while women tend to have a pick up in drive.
You can sit there and ask him to go get a check-up and then ask to go along so you both can talk to his doctor about what is going on. Or you can do like I do and make the appointment for him and tell the nurse(or such) what you are making it for. I know sounds strange but my Dh wont make his own appointments because he forgets to. So I am left to do it,at times he doesnt like it but since I remember to do it more than he does he has learned to live with it.

Lawgirl · 04-20-2004, 10:25 PM

it's definitely not related to the ttc stuff. We have been ttc for 2 months- this has been going on for over two years. Also, the factor for me that seems most telling that it is actually physical and not mental is that he never wakes up with an erection although he used to all the time just 2-3 years ago.

I never say "ooh honey, my cm looks fertile tonight- let's try to make a baby." I keep my cycle details to myself, and treat all sex as recreational. so I don't thinks that's it, but could be.

Blastoff9600 · 04-21-2004, 07:43 AM

You would be surprised on how much he might know about the ttc. With our second I kept alot of the ttc stuff to myself to avoid pressure on dh. Well this time around he has surprised me quite a few times in either knowing what day I am on or other such signs. He has made random comments on which times seem like to him the highest possible times. It has been weird.

As for waking up without an erection doesnt mean a whole lot in most cases. Dh when we were dating and first married rarely woke up with an erection and his sex drive was through the roof then. It has steadily dropped and this lack of morning erections hasnt changed. When I say rarely it was maybe once every couple of months. So you cant really judge his lack of sex drive based on his lack of morning erections. Night time erections actually are just part of the REM sleep and rarely have anything to do with sexual dreams or such. Sort of like when teen guys will get random erections for no reason at all.

If things have changed over the past couple of years such as job stress and so on that can effect his drive. And age for most men do play a part in their drive so dont discount that. You can see if he will go to the doctor for a check-up but they may not find anything wrong at all. The reason I say that is because Dh's drive is low but so far his dr hasnt found anything wrong. I would blame the ttc but since I have given up on that and dont even bother to chart,or anything else I know it isnt that. There are some posts on either the general sex health board or one of the other sex boards in which this topic is talked about. You can do a search and see what other wives are going through and how they are trying o get help or deal with it.

Karla · 04-21-2004, 09:49 AM

My husband and I have been together for 20 years. Since we were 18. We used to do it 7x a day for years when he was in his peak. Now that he is 38 but since he was 32 he has had no sex drive. I am lucky if I get it once a month. I am in my peak and I am out of luck. I don't think there is anything physically wrong with him he just needs to learn that sometimes you need to put out to accomodate the other weather you feel like it or not. There were plenty of times I didn't feel like doing it 7x a day but I submitted because I loved him. I expected the same but it just isn't happening. I love him anyway. I have decided to accept him the way he is rather than try to change him since I know he loves me to.