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Old 11-09-2004, 08:21 AM   #1
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heidianne HB User
Help Need Mens Advice!!!!

my husbands sex drive sucks. at first i thought it was me, but then i woke up and was like hello ITS NOT ME. I want him to go to the doctors.but he is a mans man and would rather me kill him first. see he is in to cybersex. internet porn, even phone sex. he never really admits it but he slips up now and again. i think he has some sort of sex addiction. maybe to fantacys. He would never cheat. Most times he uses a pic that isnt even himself.. we have been best friends for 14 years and fell in love last year. at first sex was great. then we got pregnant and it almost disappeared. He knows how i feel and will even try, but then a week later i will find a 800 number in our cell. live one on one chat... I love him so much i could never leave. but this makes me want to go find sex else where ?????. he says he is trying to put all that behind him, he once said he likes the attention those tramps give him on the phone, or even over e-mails. almost like it pumps his ego up, Are there any guys ou there that are addicted to phone sex or porn dating sites on the web.. I need to hear from other men that this is somewhat nornmal, HE has never cheated i know that for a FACT...... And i dont even think he masterbates to them very much??? so what up ??????
guys have any advise

 
Old 11-09-2004, 02:48 PM   #2
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There has to be someone that understands my problem?? or am i at the wrong spot... any sex addicts out there that can shead some light on this subject????????
help me
heidi

Last edited by Mod-S4; 11-09-2004 at 03:10 PM. Reason: Please do not ask the other members to violate board guidelines. Please read the Posting Rules.

 
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Old 11-09-2004, 02:49 PM   #3
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aefef HB User
Re: Help Need Mens Advice!!!!

Hi! although im not married, and im a man of only 20, i'll try to give my point of view. OK, first, the addiction your husband has got: in today's world...theres a lot of people with this kind of addictions. It seems some people gets trapped to it. BUT this is not an excuse. I mean, he is your husband. He is married to you and this means yo should care about each other and be happy together. And sexual life is an important part of the relationship. So, its NOT ok that he is wasting time and making you unhappy with this kind of addiction. I think you should talk to him and you have to open his eyes and tell him that its very important to you that he leaves this addicton and that yo want him to take care about you and about your sexual life together. You should try to convince him...and maybe try to convince him not one time, but several times, till he pays more attention to you. You should think about ways to convince him.
But if at the end, you are not successful in it, you can tell him to see a doctor and treat the problem...

Just my 2 cents, and sorry for my bad english

 
Old 11-09-2004, 03:28 PM   #4
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Re: Help Need Mens Advice!!!!

I cant spell eather, thank you for you two cents thats what i want to hear, i need mens perspectives on this issue, cause i dont want to make more of it then need be, cause if it was just porn, ( movies dvds etc) im into that.. Im only 27 and get off on them to.. i just have issue with talking on the phone to hoes!!!!! i get jealous... REALLY jealous
For his safety he needs to stop...
heidianne

 
Old 11-09-2004, 06:44 PM   #5
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Re: Help Need Mens Advice!!!!

Tell him that. Maybe he has some fantasies that he's afraid to express because he thinks you might think he's a freak. I think all guys (and maybe girls, but I can't say) have some sort of... "off the beaten path" sort of sexual desires, and maybe he's just hung up on them.

Try getting him to do stuff with you and then see if maybe you can't do the phone-girls' job and be his wife, too. I know a lot of very happy guys who got interested in sweet girls, then found out that while they were normally lambs, they were lions in the bedroom!

Just try getting him to talk about it, then see if you can't pique his interest by using a little of what you find in the bedroom. You might just re-open the door to his sex life, then it should be easy for him to drop all the imitations, especially when confronted with the real thing (and guilt-free, no less!)

Best of luck to you!

 
Old 11-10-2004, 06:29 AM   #6
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Re: Help Need Mens Advice!!!!

well, i respect the point of view of "18 and dumb"...BUT i dont think is a great idea to go and try doing the "things the phone girls do". I don't think that's the best option. I think it could be better in the long term to talk about it, and tell him to leave this kind of conduct. He is your husband, and has to be responsible! He is hurting you because he doesnt take care about what you need! In the long term i think it may be better he leaves this addiction, and start to paying attention to his wife.

Just me 2 cents...(2 cents + 2 cents = 4 cents :P)

I hope everything turns better

 
Old 11-10-2004, 07:22 AM   #7
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Re: Help Need Mens Advice!!!!

From a man's point of view: while I think it's true that "normal" (whatever that means), psychologically and emotionally healthy people can sometimes use the internet or porn as a safe way to explore some fantasies that they don't want to actually experience in real life; I think the key to determining whether that is "normal" behavior or not is what the rest of the (sexual) relationship with their real-life partner is like. If a person's sex life with his or her partner is satisfactory, overall, and within "normal" ranges, then most likely the use of the internet or porn is harmless. But if the person stops having sex with their primary partner in favor of internet porn, then I think something is wrong there and probably the porn is satisfying some kind of emotional need that sex with a real, live partner can't match. What exactly that need is and how porn is satisfying it are to be determined by some kind of mental health professional; I can't really even speculate.
So is viewing porn normal and possibly harmless? Yes. Is having no sex drive and very little sex with your partner, and instead overdosing on porn "normal" and harmless? Probably not.

I can think of another possibility: maybe pregnancy caused him to stop thinking of you in a sexual manner? There is a pyschological term called "the madonna-***** complex" --- it means, basically, that men can either view you as a righteous, honorable, and non-sexual virgin (madonna) or as a slutty, sexual temptress (*****). Obviously, in reality no one is all one or all the other --- we all have a little of both in us, lol. But some men have a hard time seeing both sides of a person, especially after a woman gives birth and becomes a mother --- the person he used to see as sexual and exciting, he can only see now as a "mother" and thus as very un-sexual. If your husband is one of those men, that might explain why he can get off on internet chatting with anonymous porn women, but doesn't want to have sex with the mother of his child. People who see women this way often tend to have a very black-and-white, somewhat naive and restricted worldview. If your husband is, as you say, a very "man's man" macho guy, he may be someone who has that kind of basic worldview. Again, if this is the case, therapy would help.

Finally, I can think of one final possibility (and of course, the actual reason may be some combination of all this or of something someone else suggested or something entirely different): it could also be that your husband just isn't into you anymore. You were friends, you started dating, everything was okay for a short while, then you got pregnant... maybe you were just meant to be friends, and his sexual attraction to you has run it's course. It seems your history is more one of friends than as lovers. In my experience, if a guy is into you, he's into YOU --- not some porn babe. It's never a good sign if someone prefers cyber life/sex to real life/sex. I'm sorry to have to say that, but that's this man's two cents worth.

Good luck to you.

Last edited by jamie17; 11-10-2004 at 07:23 AM.

 
Old 11-10-2004, 01:41 PM   #8
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Re: Help Need Mens Advice!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by aefef
well, i respect the point of view of "18 and dumb"...BUT i dont think is a great idea to go and try doing the "things the phone girls do". I don't think that's the best option.

You may have misunderstood me. When I said that, I didn't mean you should act like a 19 year old verbal prostitute. But it's entirely possible that adding something new and interesting to your sexual relationship could divert his attention from them and help him to see you in a similar light.

Maybe he sees it as the difference between "nice" sex and "dirty" sex. Just try something that's in your character, but a little more risqué than you have been. Surely you must have some things you've wanted to try, but haven't? Check out "Glamour" magazine, or something similar, they usually have good(weird) ideas that still keep well aback from the realm of kinky. Find one you want to try, and that you think will definitely surprise him, then go for it.

Don't degrade yourself in order to get his attention, that was by NO means my intent in my previous post, and I'm sorry if it came off that way. Just be yourself and see if by exploring a little you can't get him to open back up to you, then the phone girls will no longer be of interest. If it's not mutually enjoyable, then don't do it. That's my golden rule of sex

Best of Luck!

Last edited by 18AndDumb; 11-10-2004 at 01:43 PM.

 
Old 11-11-2004, 10:40 PM   #9
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chevyman HB User
Re: Help Need Mens Advice!!!!

I don't think you should worry to much it's just a common thing to do for us men, we are visual obnoxious creatures....the porn and emails don't hurt anything....but the "phone" sex 800#sss may dip deep in the family budget??
if you trust him not to cheat on you? then leave him alone let him have his fun...as long as he is satisfying you! whats the problem?
we only go round this old world once may as well enjoy all we can!
chevyman!! Oh Yeah.......

 
Old 11-11-2004, 11:18 PM   #10
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Frank168 HB User
Re: Help Need Mens Advice!!!!

my 2 cents... porn is normal for guys, cybersex is normal for guys, dirty talk on sex lines is all normal for guys, if you're single there's no problem. The problem is when you're married and neglecting a real relationship in favor of seeking emotional excitement with those activities. If you percieve a problem with this situation and he doesn't that means you guys have a lot to work on. Just turning the other direction to let him have his fun while you feel neglected is just not going to work. Something will either have to change or something will have to break. Take my word for it.

Frank

 
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