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Old 12-21-2004, 10:19 PM   #1
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butterfly_babe1601 HB User
Boyfriend can't have sex

ok. My boyfriend has trouble keeping an erection when it comes down to having intercourse. During foreplay it's ok but after that, he has problems. He says he's nervous and I think this is mental and that he is nervous too. I told him that there is nothing to be nervous about and if he just wants to wait then it's ok with me but he gets so upset with himself that I don't know what else to say to calm him down. So I was just wondering that if this is something he will have to learn to get over....or if time will help.....or if there is something that I can say to help calm him down. thanks.

 
Old 12-21-2004, 11:05 PM   #2
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Mr.HeyDude HB User
Re: Boyfriend can't have sex

I am having the same problem.. I think it's becuase when the time comes to have sex, im emotionally unsettled.. Like if we had an argument just before haveing sex, then I go through that erection problem.. But there have been times when all was well.. I was in a good mood and Ive been able to sustain an erection for 2 orgasms and keep going until i was unable to orgasm anymore.. But thats just me and to besides, i just started having sex.. If I can lend you any helpful advice, I would just tell you that, I see my girlfriend every weekend.. Sometimes I get lucky, sometimes i dont.. but its on an every week to every other week basis. Usually when i wait, the orgasms are greater, because i miss her and the emotions are there... Also try haveing sex in a cool setting.. Some men dont like sweaty sex.. Like me.. I dont like covers...

 
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Old 12-22-2004, 07:31 AM   #3
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wood650 HB User
Re: Boyfriend can't have sex

He's having problems because he is nervous. You can't have a good erection and be nervous at the same time. Also if he is masturbating, he should not masturbate before trying to have sex. This will increase his sex drive and make a good erection more likely to happen.

 
Old 12-27-2004, 10:54 PM   #4
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Re: Boyfriend can't have sex

I had a friend that is a female tell me that she was talking to this guy and dating him for months. Well, this guy was a virgin and they talked and he wanted her to take his virginity, well, when they went to do it, she made the night perfect, candles, the whole shabang....but when it came down to it, he couldn't "keep it up".

I think your case is the same, he is just nervous, try something where his mind isn't concerned about performing well or anything like that. This is what my friend ended up doing I believe. They were messing around (he was fine in everything else) and she wore a skirt, and she just acted like she was going to "dry" sex it, but she inserted him into her, they haven't had a problem since. Just a little helpful tip!

 
Old 12-27-2004, 11:07 PM   #5
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Re: Boyfriend can't have sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by NateA
I had a friend that is a female tell me that she was talking to this guy and dating him for months. Well, this guy was a virgin and they talked and he wanted her to take his virginity, well, when they went to do it, she made the night perfect, candles, the whole shabang....but when it came down to it, he couldn't "keep it up".

I think your case is the same, he is just nervous, try something where his mind isn't concerned about performing well or anything like that. This is what my friend ended up doing I believe. They were messing around (he was fine in everything else) and she wore a skirt, and she just acted like she was going to "dry" sex it, but she inserted him into her, they haven't had a problem since. Just a little helpful tip!

Ummm most virgins masturbate exscessively.. And masturbation only supplies your cravings for sex.. If you can build up on your cravings " n stuff " youll have better erections as well as orgasms.. So yeah.. masturbation can be bad too..

 
Old 12-30-2004, 11:46 AM   #6
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JackieC HB User
Re: Boyfriend can't have sex

My ex had the same problems as your boyfriend so I totally understand what you are going through. In a nutshell, we lived like that for over 4years. He was extremely nervous and always found it easy to masturbate in front of or with me but when it came to intercourse his erection would go. If we did manage to have intercourse it would only last a few moments before either the erection went or he came very quickly.

My advice to you would be to get professional help if he is willing. At the time my boyfriend wasn't willing and now he is seein a counsellor and it's really helping him a lot. The issue for him was about confidence. And believe me, nothing I could do or say would make him feel like he was doing great.

I hope everything works out for you, I really do

JX

 
Old 01-01-2005, 11:21 AM   #7
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stuckmissy HB User
Re: Boyfriend can't have sex

My guy has the same problem. Everything else is good but the sex. He can't keep an erection. It ackward for both of us. We haven't talked about it. During oral sex everything is fine. I don't know what's going on. I'm not sure if it's his confidance because he's got good self esteem. Also he's experienced when it comes to sex. Could it be me? Because that's the only conclusion i have left? Help!

 
Old 01-01-2005, 08:06 PM   #8
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edgework HB User
Re: Boyfriend can't have sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by butterfly_babe1601
ok. My boyfriend has trouble keeping an erection when it comes down to having intercourse. During foreplay it's ok but after that, he has problems. He says he's nervous and I think this is mental and that he is nervous too. I told him that there is nothing to be nervous about and if he just wants to wait then it's ok with me but he gets so upset with himself that I don't know what else to say to calm him down. So I was just wondering that if this is something he will have to learn to get over....or if time will help.....or if there is something that I can say to help calm him down. thanks.
There's probably nothing you can SAY that will calm him down; talk is an intellectual process and if men could think their way to an erection there'd be a lot more satisfied couples in the world. You need to disengage the head (the big head, anyway). You are close when you ask if this is something he will have to learn to get over. I would suggest that this is nothing more than a learned reflex, a habit, if you will, that, while it does him no good, is something familiar and has become a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy.

You can't out-think a reflex. You have to train yourself to develop a new reflex to replace it. You can definitely DO a couple of things to assist this. The problem is not erections, it's performance, and his perceived responsibility for the desired result. You can remove this as a factor. Take charge. Not like a dominatrix, but like a lover with something to give. Guys have a built in impulse to want to cross the finish line, get the job done, measure up... as well as a paranoid fear of failure. You can show him that the journey is at least as much fun as the destination and at the same time remove the pressure on him to perform. I'm sure you can imagine a whole host of ways to create arousal, both sensual and physical, for yourself and for him, and in the process, allow him to "learn" to experience this as something besides a threat. At it's core, a fear of performance failure is a fear of trusting ones partner. It's YOU that he is failing here, and he won't be talked out of feeling that way. But you can show him a different perspective, give him a different way of experiencing you. Of course, to truly hard wire a reflex, it needs to be reinforced often. But then, that's the fun.
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Old 01-02-2005, 12:18 PM   #9
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Earth&Fire HB User
Re: Boyfriend can't have sex

I have found that the quickest way to begin to lose an erection is to begin to worry about losing it. Also, one's penis can get a little numb with extended oral sex.

 
Old 01-02-2005, 05:08 PM   #10
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siren1024 HB User
Re: Boyfriend can't have sex

My husband had the same problem when we started having sex. His problem was that we had been friends for 3 years with no physical relationship whatsoever. He always wanted me and was attracted to me, but he forced his mind to not see me "that way" because I wasn't into him (or so I thought!!!) So he had a hard time reprogramming his body to be responsive to me, and he had serious performance anxiety, too, because it had been SO long. It was all mental, and he too, felt awful. It took us a good few months to get over it completely, but when he did, boy did he ever!!! LOL. I think it all comes down to taking it slow and easy until he gets comfortable with you and the idea and not quite so nervous. Just keep reassuring him and not acting like it's a big deal. Keep up the foreplay, every so often give it a shot, and maybe try to fool around and sneak up on him like the earlier poster mentioned.

Just give it time. I know he feels awful, but there's not a whole lot more that you can do.
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