Hey guys im a female struggling with a relationship problem and was wondering what your take on the situation was....
I have been with my boyfriend for four years im 20 hes 26 and im ready to move on in life... well we live together and lately our sex life has been non exsistant due to his porn habbit...
well we had a talk the other day and i told him how i felt... i didnt ask him to do this but the next day he told me he threw away all the magazines he had and told me i wouldnt have to deal with it anymore... we both agreed to change our faults and move on.... its been 2 days and everything has been great hes been really affectionate... however i cant help but wonder if he really did throw away his magazines.... I feel like I need to snoop....is this wrong? guy friends are telling me he probably just hid them ....what do u think? should i snoop? We still havent had sex so im wondering if our sex life is permanatley damaged.....
Anyone been through this
SOrry for the bother I was just looking for a mans perspective on this
you can snoop. You can also think about his history has he lied about anything before and just trust him but sometimes that leaves a shadow in the back of your mind. and again if he's honest you can find a way to talk to him about it. I haven't been in that exact situation with a girlfriend but in one that I was wondering if they were lying and if you really love them it's a scared feeling so just talk to him. Don't accuse just like start out I'm nervous or scared that you didn't throw them away. Be understanding it is VERY hard. I just posted about how I have that problem. look at the masturbation questions that I wrote not all goes with this but he might be the same way.
I completely understand where you're at because I used to be the one with the porn habit. Let me just say this, if its completely ruined your sex life, then I'd suggest that he goes at least 2 weeks, maybe longer without porn, and especially without masturbation. Then consider resuming your sex life. You want to give his brain a little time to dissassociate porn and sexual gratification.
If like I suspect, he's masturbating frequently to the porn, then he'll go thru something not unlike withdrawals - nervousness, jittery, grouchy (definitely grouchy!), moody, etc. If you don't see that at all, then he either wasn't masturbating to it, or he hasn't quit.
PS I'm passionate about this subject, but not because of religion, or morality, or because I think porn or masturbation are intrinsically wrong. I'm passionate because I've encountered so many other guys like myself who got sucked into this, lost control, and really mucked up their lives, and those of their families.
If you demanded he get rid of it, then he might simply have hidden it. If he says he got rid of it on his own in order to keep you, then he might indeed be telling the truth. The question is whether you trust him or not. If you snoop, then you obviously don't trust him and that in itself puts things on a bad footing to move ahead. If you are indeed wanting to get on with the relationship, then I suggest you trust him and don't snoop. If you start to suspect something, though, confront him and if it turns out he did either hid it or has started collecting it again, then you should leave him if his habit is unacceptable to you.
There are a couple of things I would bear in mind here. First, is that everyone makes mistakes. If he said you will not have to worry about it anymore, I would give him a second chance. You have made a time investment in the relationship, and it would be a shame to throw it all away, without first knowing for sure if he has gotten rid of all the offensive material. Second, porn is meant as a visual stimulation for sexual people. The downside is that some can become so preoccupied with it, that it interferes with their "normal" sexual thought patterns. As the others have said, he needs time to get over that false image of what sexual relations between two people really is, and relearn a more relationship suitable sexual dynamic.
If you have found that he has not met these criteria or hasn't kept his promise to get rid of the stuff, then I think a speration of ways would be recommended, if only to let him learn the hard way what he had and subsequently lost. Sometimes that is one heck of a kick in the butt of a wake up call!
If it has effected your sex life then he is in deeper than you realize. Alot of addicted men when busted throw out the magazines and turn totally to the computer. Check the history and even search the hard drive for key words and you will have your answer on how deep he is in. Also look to see how many peer to peer file sharing programs he has. They do it this way to try to hide it better and to avoid pop ups and spam.
He will need to read about sex addiction himself to believe there is really such a problem.
well its been about a week since the conversation and since he told me he threw away the porn and so far our sex life still sucks... we havent did it once! i just dont know what to think anymore.... hes being affectionate and all but i feel like hes just not into me sexually anymore.... im very upset and unsure what to do. I'm a good looking girl so i dont get it.
How much time should I give this relationship?
I love him more than anything but I dont want to feel unwanted sexually.
sex is very important to me and i feel like it just cant be normal w/ us anymore
First things first, masturbation is not wrong. It is a very natural thing to do and most men do it very very regularly regardless of them being in a relationship or not.
I understand your concern with the porn. If it is disruptive to your relationship as you say it is then you should definitely pursue it. I would keep an eye out for signs. Don't snoop as that will only create a barrier of distrust. Just keep your eyes open.
Now if your BF's masturbation (without porn) is also affecting your sex life I would simply sit down and talk to him. Don't mean to be graffic but maybe when he feels like masturbating you could do it for him while he does something for you.