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Old 08-05-2005, 06:50 PM   #1
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Supressed Sexuality - How to Proceed?

Firstly, allow me to apologize to the moderator for my last thread...I hadn't really read through all the posting criteria and I apologize for that.

To fill you all in on my particular situation...I'm a 21 year old male who is leaning towards homosexuality. I have not had any sexual experiences, save masturbation, and am nervous about a few things.

Anal intercourse now sounds less horrifying to me than it once did, but I still have my concerns. My doctor once checked for bum for fissures (small cuts which ended up being cause by my hardened stool...embarassing!) and stuck her finger up there, much to my discomfort. For the remainder of that day and part of the next, I felt very violated and uncomfortable. Now, my doc didn't do anything wrong, of that I'm sure, but in retrospect, I've been left wondering if I'd ever be comfortable with anal intercourse. If my rear entry is too tight for a finger to enter it, how could something larger?

I realize there's also other ways to "have fun"...but to be quite honest, I don't know where, when or how I will end up in the position to be sexual with another male. I've never dated, and have always felt as though people viewed me as "gay". It's something I've resisted for quite some time, because I grew up having crushes on girls, and to be honest I still have urges and fantasies regarding women. The long and the short of it is that my libido is leading me to think more and more of initiating a homosexual encounter, but I'm very conflicted about it. I'd like to think I could meet someone and date the way a totally straight person could, but then if I did meet a guy and date him, word would get around pretty quickly that I'd finally given up my "act" and that I was "gay". I just want to be free to experiment and figure out who I am without what feels like the whole world watching and judging. But I don't think a guy who has been with a man will be popular with the ladies. Am I wrong there?

I know of one guy (a friend of a friend) who insists he's straight, but has slept with and fooled around with guys, and everyone knows it. I don't want to be that kind of person...the kind whose private encounters are talked about, and who has to keep his gay experiences short and good for one thing only. But on the other hand, I'm worried that I might over-immerse myself into a gay culture I'm not entirely comfortable with.

I'm afraid of dating, but I'm craving a sexual experience...even though I know next to nothing about how to be safe while experimenting (re: Never used a condom)...and by safe I mean both physically and mentally.

So there you have it...my long, rambling "What to do? Seeking advice!" ode to my supressed sexuality. If you've got anything to say, I'd love to hear it. Thank you for caring.

 
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Old 08-05-2005, 07:04 PM   #2
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You're not alone dude Im on the same boat. Though Im pretty sure I dont want anything sticking up my anus. Nor do I ever have the desire to stick my tool into another man's anus... or woman's for that matter. And plus I dont know if I will like giving oral to a guy. But I have a strong urge for some serious foreplay. But Im open to foreplay with girls as well.... though I prefer men(only the good looking ones). Sometimes I fantasize about being in a menage de trois. Unfortunately I havent had any experience whatosever (sexually) yet. I dont even know if Im ready but I think eventually something will happen I hope. I dont know how anyone is ever goign to want me since Im probably not "gay" enough for them nor am I straight enough for the girls so Im in tough situation. I know Im not helping you current situation much but I think it helps to know there are others out there with similar feelings.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 08-05-2005 at 09:20 PM. Reason: Do not attempt to disguise vulgar language.

 
Old 08-09-2005, 05:53 PM   #3
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Re: Supressed Sexuality - How to Proceed?

Don't worry...is does help to know there are other hesitant people out there.

But I'd really love to hear from those who are no longer virgins. How did it happen for you? Was it a matter of dating, becoming comfortable with the person you're with and then becoming active? Were you active before getting into your first serious relationship? Do you wish, looking back, that you'd been active/been less active?

How does a hesitant virgin get to a place where he or she can be sexual and safe? Please, ANY advice is welcome.

 
Old 08-09-2005, 06:57 PM   #4
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Re: Supressed Sexuality - How to Proceed?

I can relate too. I am a 22yr old male. I consider myself gay. I am so in the closet though, it is sickening. I have fooled around and had anal sex with a couple of guys (anal sex with one only, though). It was somewhat uncomfortable. I don't know for sure but, I think people learn to like it and it starts to feel better. I was on the receiving end, if you know what I mean. I though oral sex felt much better, in my opinion. I don't know. I hope one day that I am comfortable enough with my sexuality that I come out but, I don't see that happening any time soon. I think most people suspect I am gay, and I am sure a few know. I don't know what advice to give only that I know exactly how you feel.

 
Old 08-09-2005, 07:35 PM   #5
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Re: Supressed Sexuality - How to Proceed?

You guys are beautiful. I think that before you begin talking about the "how to do its" it does help to focuss on who you are and how do you define yourself. I consider myself bisexual - always loved sex with guys but never trusted them long enough to have a long term relationship although I really did try. ANd I know that, for me, my distrust of guys started when I was twelve and I was sexually abused/involved with the 30 year old son of our neighbor. The point is, that, for me, I lost the possibility of making a real choice, that part of growing was taken away from me.

Also, I have friends that have told me that I'm the only person they know who came out of the closet and then ran screaming back in. Oh, well.

I think that it really is better to become emotionally attached first. I think that there just so many ways to get sex, and so many places to get it that it all becomes anonymous and you begin to define yourself by your sexual practices rather than sexual being. In fact, for many years, I hated the concept of ****-sexual and preferred a derivative: ****-emotional.

We do live in extraordinary times. Most of society is probably OK with people gay although families, on the other hand, can freak out about.

YOu will have to walk your own path and listen to the silent murmurings and urgings of your own heart. ANd, again, it is less important that you have anal intercourse, than that you actually love your partner and begin to understand how your sexuality can be manifested. chris

 
Old 08-10-2005, 07:43 AM   #6
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Re: Supressed Sexuality - How to Proceed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bananagoof
I've been left wondering if I'd ever be comfortable with anal intercourse. If my rear entry is too tight for a finger to enter it, how could something larger?

I think if you're interested in being the receptive partner (and lots of gay guys do NOT have anal sex, btw), then you need to start by exploring your anus yourself. Use a well-lubed finger or small toy - but make sure the toy is intended for anal use and has a flared base, because things get slippery and it's easy to lose your grip. If a toy slips completely inside your rectum, you need to go to the ER for removal. You also need to make sure you're very, very aware of safe sex practices and your partner's HIV status, since receptive anal is the riskiest activity. I highly recommend reading "Anal Pleasure and Health", by Jack Morin. You'll have a whole new relationship with your anus as a result :-)

I'd like to think I could meet someone and date the way a totally straight person could, but then if I did meet a guy and date him, word would get around pretty quickly that I'd finally given up my "act" and that I was "gay". I just want to be free to experiment and figure out who I am without what feels like the whole world watching and judging.

Ah yes, this is an eternal problem, particularly if you live in a red state. Personally, I've given up on trying to hide anything about myself - my philosophy is, if you don't like or accept me for who I really am, then why would I want to be with you? Of course, I'm also 38, married, and the people I like are generally very sex-positive anyway, so I'm not really in your shoes. So if you're worried about people in your community, travel a bit. Go to a gay club in another city, and see what you think of that culture. Mind you, that's not necessarily representative of all gay guys, but it'll give you some ideas of what you might want and like. And you might meet some nice guy there. But again, make absolutely sure you know this person's HIV status, and use condoms.

But I don't think a guy who has been with a man will be popular with the ladies. Am I wrong there?

I'm female, and I have had quite a few relationships with actively bi men. Actually, I don't know that I've ever been with a guy who isn't attracted to other men at some level. Of course, it's been my experience that sexuality is fluid, and you can be more or less attracted to men or women at any given time. I also know that almost no one is completely gay or straight. I don't have an issue with it either way.

But on the other hand, I'm worried that I might over-immerse myself into a gay culture I'm not entirely comfortable with.

So you explore this culture, and decide it's not what you want. That's fine. You aren't locked into anything - you can change your mind at any time :-)

I'm afraid of dating, but I'm craving a sexual experience...even though I know next to nothing about how to be safe while experimenting (re: Never used a condom)...and by safe I mean both physically and mentally.

Practice using a condom while masturbating. Put a drop of lube on the inside of the condom (to increase sensation), then pinch the tip to both squeeze out any excess air, and to allow some space for semen. Then roll it on your penis. If you're not circumcised, retract your foreskin first :-)

 
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