I am 28 and my BF is 46 with 2 kids. Obviously he had full sex all his adult life till he knew me Now because I don't want to lose virginity to him before I am 100% sure that he's the right person for me and through marriage, we did not have full sex yet. We sleep together and we have wonderful oral sex and he comes sometimes 3 times a day. But I am wondering does this satisfy his sexual desires till we tie the knot? or should I feel guilty about being virgin ?
CAn I ask you why you think you are remaining a virgin when you guys are obviously having sex, performing oral and he's coming three times a day? Don't you think your virginitiy is just a technicality? And, didn't Bill Clinton try to convince Hilary by using the same argument?
Obviously it depends on what you defination of virgin is....personally I consider it intercourse. (Which btw I'm a virgin too)
Is he on you about having sex or does in understand your reasoning? I think that if he isn't bothering you about it, then he is okay with it. Not that he doesn't want to have sex with you, but he's willing to wait. I don't think you should feel guilty about being a virgin, plus its not like he's getting nothing from you Maybe you should ask him how he feels about it.
hrnygoat, I am with him because I love him, age is not a big issue in my mind. cflas, I am not a virgin in the sense that I never had sex with him at all, but in the sense that we never had intercourse. My worry is not whether I am virgin, but to know that when he's used to having a certain kind of sex, how frustrated he might be if he doesn't have it anymore.
AsWeSlipAway, thanks a lot for your helpful reply. Yes we spoke about it and, you are right, he seems to be enjoying our sex life a lot. He's willing to wait --not for long though --we are planning to get married very soon. The thing is I want if men could really reduce their sexual activities without feeling frustrated about it.
But what I haven't heard from you is what the two of your have talked about, how your have reasoned and negotiated this situation. You have told what you think his expectations are but not,in fact, what he has told you. You're right, everything about "to be a virgin or not to be a virgin" is pure semantics.
But I would be really interested in hearing about how he feels about this situation. Chris
Thanks Chris for your reply.
Well he says that he's very happy with me sexually, and actually thinks that I have a strong sexual drive. He's my first serious relationship (I live with him). However, he keeps on expressing his desires to have full sex with me. When we argue, he says that I am "not a woman"!!!!!! I explained to him that he's lowering the word "woman" if he thinks that womanhood is simply letting a man penetrate!!!!!!! For me, it means a lot more. That said, he keeps on calling me "my wonderful woman". And he mentioned that he never had such strong sex with any one before (ex-s with kids included). He doesn't much like my values but I don't want to give my body completely to someone before I am 100% sure that I want to and importantly through marriage. This probably makes him insecure because it implies that I don't trust him enough. He doesn't lay a lot of stress on marriage but is willing to wait. Hope that I am making things clearer although I really find him very hard to understand
You should never feel guilty about anything you honestly feel is the right thing to do for you. Asking other people is asking what their individual morals are. They simply do not apply to you. I will tell you that I would not date someone or very long if I didn't have sex with them. IMO, I would not like to get married or live in a committed relationship with someone I was sexually incompatible with. I have had enough women to know that I can be a stallion with most, but a real loser with a few. Not that they were bad, just that we weren't sexually compatible. But my morals do not preclude me from pre-marital sex. If your morals tell you not to have p-re-marital sex, then don't do it. As for his satisfaction, same goes for him. If he's happy with your present arrangement and loves you, then he's happy and satisfied. If he wasn't satisfied, you'd know it. He'd probably start making snide comments or out and out complaining. You do what is right for you and if you need to know about his satisfaction, come out and ask him.
Well, now I am concerned. I know that you're living with him and all. And I still think that it's odd that you have consumated the relationship, especially since your living with him (and, contrary to panstransky, they are having sex, just not intercourse), I am more deeply disturbed by his references that you are not a woman. I mean, here you are, sleeping with him, have oral sex with him (frequently, I might add) I suspect also fixing meals, doing laundry, etc etc and he has the balls to suggest that the only that that will make you 'a complete woman' is that he has to have intercourse with you.
This is really strange. So, how long have you two not been having intercourse. Have you ever had intercourse before and how do this guy differ from the other guy. And, when you do have sexual contact, do you tell each other that you "love" them?
Thanks Cinemagic for your honest and fair opinion:. I find it very helpful to know what men think. You are absolutely right, each of us should either accept the way the other is, or just look for other partners who would make us more happy. I compromised a lot by living and sleeping with him. He did the same by not being unfaithful physically, which suggests to me that we are both trying to reach a middleground where we can understand each other but at the same time practise our different values. I also agree with you that a married or committed couple must be sexually compatible. I think that we know each other's sexual needs, pleasures and frustrations. In general, we think that our sex life is way better than of any average couple who are having full sex. He thinks that I am too wild. But I love it. So on the whole I think that we are sexualy very compatible.
Chris, I think you asked the question that I always ask myself: Does he think that women are sex objects? If so, then it is really an issue of concern and I won't in the least be proud to be his woman. I told him this. But it seems that he expresses his doubts about my womanhood only and only if we have some argument. Yet this is bad enough. Some Irish fella who saw us once in a pub told me that he might be feeling insecure with me. In general, men try to approach me a lot and even girls told him that he's so lucky to be with me. I didn't have intercourse with any of the men I knew in the past, and he's the closest I got to physically. we love each other passionately and he doesn't stop kissing me and telling me that he loves me while in bed. I do the same to him and love doing it and love looking at his face when we are in bed. We always wake up very close in the morning. I am always in his arms.
There is no way to be 100 percent sure about anyone. That's why we who are married commit not only to the person but also to the marriage. We all will disappoint each other sooner or later. The old Love Story movie which came out in the 60's had a byline in it that said, "Love is never having to say you're sorry." That is the biggest lie that could ever be told. Love is always being able to say you're sorry. The way I look at this is that you are married already. Maybe it is time to commit to the marriage. I hear a lot of people saying that all they want is a "long-term" relationship. My question to them is "How Long?" A month, six months, a year, two years....How about a lifetime? This type of commitment takes a lot of work because we are all so flawed. But, WOW!! It's worth it when you get to the point where your spouse truly chooses to love you not because you meet their needs or they meet your needs, but because they love you in spite of your frailties and faults. That's powerful love. More on this at a later time.
I see no fear of failure in you. I see you as a person that internalized your values and you are simply struggling with keeping to those values. This is normal. Remaining a virgin has nothing to do with manipulation or fear of failure; it has everything to do with making a choice, for many reasons that are meaningful to you, and staying with that choice.
It is well established that pre-marital sexual compatibility is no indicator as to how sexually compatible things will be one, three, five years into the marriage. This board is rife with people posting problems that include saying how explosive and frequent and mutually satisfying sex was before marriage only to post how unsatisfying and infrequent sex is now for them.
Love, selflessness, commitment, a desire to sacrifice and give to your partner is what makes great sex in the long term. No testing of the waters is necessary if these qualities exist. If they don't exist, finding sexual compatibility is a very temporary indicator of future happiness or continued sexual compatibility.
Thanks Poker and Music
Pokerhot, Nop I am not afraid of losing my virginity to him out of fear of loss/failure. Definitely not. Don't you think that I am risking a lot giving him emotionally and mentally more than anyone else would? Isn't the emotional loss bigger than the physical one if he ever leaves? I live with him and love him to bits. Besides, I live in England where men place little value on whether I am a virgin or not, so it's not like I can't find anyone if I lose my virginity to him.And nop, I don't have any games in my mind, exactly the opposite. I don't think that your message makes a lot of sense to me and I don't know how you could read my mind and judge that I am playing a game.
Music4All, thanks for insightful message. You are absolutely right, no one can guarantee harmony, sexual or otherwise. A friend of mine got divorced from her husband after she committted herself to their marriage and had a child with him, but she's the biggest winner despite obviously giving him a lot physically. She decided that they don't get on as a couple anymore and she's nothing but happier now without him. It's largely a matter of principle that I want to keep a physical distance for the time being, without risking having a baby or other things while I am doing my last PhD year. My BF proposed to me only few weeks ago. We flew back home and he asked my dad permission for us to get married. Then , we both decided to delay it for a while because we have our PhDs as a priority and marriage would at least distract me becuase I won't want to leave the bed anymore only joking
Please understand, I am not trying to beat a dead horse and whether you decide to have intercourse wiht him or not is purely a decision you will have to make in time. However, it still concerns me that he has this unique but cruel way of putting you down and attacking your womanhood, your actual personhood, because of the decision you make. Is there a possibility that, if you give in on this area (which is of great importance to you) because of what he says about you that he could "up the ante?" I mean what's next. Just be careful, girl...these moments are defining who you are..chris
I read your posts. I have a husband with the opposite problem - he ain't at all bothered about anything physical.
You have been with your partner for some time and I ain't sure why you want him physically in one way (oral sex) and not in another way (intercourse). To me, both acts involve being inside you. Are you bothered about pregnancy?
Having your partner being inside you and him and you feeling special and all,
can only be an intimate act, surely. In your situation I would act quickly. Hey, go for it!
My close girlfriends partner Roy is always messing bout with her and at all hours - showing his feelings for her. Yep, shes always smiling.Wish my husband would do the same.
I see where you are coming from..Of course I love that feeling of intimacy you are talking about and I understand how frustrating it might be for you if your hubby is not much into sex!!!!! BUt yeah, you are right partly don't want pregnancy...and partly it's a psychological issue with me.
Thanks for your reply again and best luck for you
Don't confuse psychological with principle. Earlier you said it involves principle.... there are far too few decisions being made on principle these days. I applaud you. Just don't muddy your thoughts by confusing something very grounded, such as principle, with something very pop culture, who knows what it means, “psychological”.
This stage of your doctoral work is demanding. Your dissertation should take precedence until it is completed or you will pay for the lapse in dedication to that task in a big way down the road. Focus and stick to your guns. When you are Dido_H, PhD, you can allow yourself to step back and reconsider your positions.
Music thanks a million for your words, you don't know how helpful they are! In my mind, pyschological is linked with principle. I don't feel that I am ready yet to take such a decision. And I would imagine that such a step would multiply my emotional dependency on my BF!!! Some people, like my BF, find it strange that a 28-year-old is still a virgin. But I don't want full sex just because I CAN do it. I am not suppressing my desires but maybe because I didn't have full sex in my life I don't feel that my body demands it, and I am definitely inhibited by other worries, PhD on top of them. I am, for sure, looking forward to enjoying every and each aspect of physical life , but just when it is the right time for me to do so. My BF said that when we get married he will tease me for years before we do it fully !!!! AWFUL.
Thanks afain Music for writing and for your appreciated advice.
Yeah, I can understand why your BF thinks it's strange. I wouldn't want to be with a 28 year old virgin because I want a man who loves and yearns for sex way too strongly to hold out that long. My whole life, I was waiting excitedly until I could finally experiment with sex, and any guy who had psychological issues or a principle about not having sex would not be a guy for me. So I don't think it's cruel that her BF pushes to have sex, because I think he's actually being quite patient and willing to marry you to get sex...though I'll believe it when he actually walks down the aisle. My suspicion is he's fed up and wanting to give you an ultimatum about it...that's what I would do, but it's only my opinion, and I'm a young woman not an older man so who knows.