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Old 08-08-2005, 12:41 PM   #1
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My boyfriend won't wear a condom...what do I do?

I really need some advice here. My bf and I are both in our early thirties. We were falling in love and and discussing marriage but recently hit a stumbling block that is ruining our relationship. For the first time ever, I have met a guy who not only complains about lack of sensation but outright refuses to wear a condom. We have had sex mostly with condoms and only a few times without a condoms (in a month) but every time we are about to have sex we get into an argument about it. He does it but complains about it. He says he can't feel anything and that he can't perform well. He also says it's not enjoyable at all for him and that if we have to use condoms we will rarely have sex and he'll just masterbate. It's hard for me to believe it's that bad--it's not as great for me either as without a condom so I really feel he is being selfish here. My main concern is pregnancy as we have already gone for STD testing. I explained to him that I'm at a great point in my life and I don't want to even take the chance of getting pregnant now. I am getting on the Pill just for him (since it adversely affects my mood) but I still would prefer condoms as a backup until we are at least engaged and preferably married. It's because my period was just late and I had a scare--I was a nervous wreck and explained to him that I don't want to be that way every month. He also doesn't seem to understand that it's less enjoyable for me without a condom because of the stress!

He tells me he will never see eye to eye. I would like to not use condoms AFTER we are married but he claims he knows how not to get me pregnant (withdrawal) and has never gotten a gf pregnant before. So I really don't know what to do. I feel if he really loved me and was planning on marrying me he could compromise for this short period of our lives. To me, he seems really selfish and immature. He does say he doesn't want a child now but would take responsibility if something happened and marry me. That's just not how I see my future and I want to do things the right way.

What other alternatives are there? I looked into the female condom but that sounds hard to insert and he would probably complain about that. I looked into new condoms that have a bigger ring at the end (since he complains about tightness there--he is large). He even considered Viagra but it seems ridiculous at his age and I am worried about his health. What about other ways to make him enjoy sex more? I think he should maybe see his doctor since he is not that sensitive down there.

We even talked about possibly breaking up over this--I initiated that conversation only because I am wondering about his feelings now. Does this guy really love me????? No one has ever complained so much about the condom thing to me before.

 
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Old 08-08-2005, 02:22 PM   #2
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Re: My boyfriend won't wear a condom...what do I do?

Dont do it. Bottom Line. He sounds like an ******* and a moron. The pull out method is a joke. I would suggest the pill, like you are doing...but you need to really get it across to him that you dont appreciate him giving you ultimatems (no more sex) or complaining like a child about something you are trying to do to be responsible. If you get pregnant thats your body, and a child you have to take care of. This guy sounds like a selfish ***!

 
Old 08-08-2005, 03:01 PM   #3
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Re: My boyfriend won't wear a condom...what do I do?

Thanks for the advice. It's so weird...he is awesome in so many ways but he is really being selfish now. I am very surprised. Maybe this is good for me to know and an indicator of future behavior. Now, he is saying he will use condoms after our argument earlier but I don't really believe him because he's said it before and then when it gets down to the moment, he argues.

So do you think the pill is adequate? Just concerned about the slips ups since I know 2 women who got pregnant on the pill.

 
Old 08-08-2005, 03:04 PM   #4
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Re: My boyfriend won't wear a condom...what do I do?

are you sure they took the pill properly (everyday and at about the same time every day)?

 
Old 08-08-2005, 03:09 PM   #5
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Re: My boyfriend won't wear a condom...what do I do?

I have read the pill has anywhere from a 1-5% failure rate. I don't know what they did or didn't do. I just know it can happen and I don't believe in abortion. I couldn't live with myself.

 
Old 08-08-2005, 03:13 PM   #6
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Re: My boyfriend won't wear a condom...what do I do?

I don't think the condom adds any more protection against pregnancy since it is not a very effective method of birth control. Therefore, if there is no risk of STD's, then what's the point?

 
Old 08-08-2005, 03:24 PM   #7
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Re: My boyfriend won't wear a condom...what do I do?

Are you kidding? Of course, it adds protection. The less sperm that reaches inside the better, correct? Plus, I think it always makes sense to use a condom because although I highly doubt my bf would ever cheat, I would want to be protected as much as possible since we are not even married yet.

 
Old 08-08-2005, 03:27 PM   #8
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Re: My boyfriend won't wear a condom...what do I do?

Well, from all that you have said, I think the best idea would be to not have sex until you're married. It's the only way you can be 100% sure you won't get pregnant. Is that an option here?

 
Old 08-08-2005, 04:21 PM   #9
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Re: My boyfriend won't wear a condom...what do I do?

I guess what I didn't make clear is this: I understand nothing is foolproof but of course I am not going to stop having sex. My point is that I would like to do everything possible to avoid it happening. If I were on the pill and we were using condoms and it happened then I would have to take that responsibility and I am willing to take that slim, slim chance because you have to live life. But I am not willing to be irresponsible and not take every precaution possible. I also don't understand why it has to be only the woman's responsibility to prevent pregnancy--after all it takes 2.

I guess there is nothing else to say...what I was really hoping for here was advice on options other than a condom for him that maybe we could try in addition. Maybe the pill and spermicide would help? He said he would never get a vasectomy nor would I ask him to because I would never want to have my tubes tied and it's too drastic. I don't know how serious he was but he also said he would take the male birth control pill if he could but that's not yet available in the US I take it. Anything else to increase sensitivity? Has anyone heard of those condoms that are bigger at the top that are supposed to increase a guy's sensitivity...

"Newer "pouchy" condoms are designed to increase sensitivity to the penis by surrounding it, rather than constricting it. Check out the Inspiral and the Pleasure Plus condoms, which debuted to rave reviews."

 
Old 08-08-2005, 11:52 PM   #10
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Re: My boyfriend won't wear a condom...what do I do?

Carpe you've read wrong. The pill is 99.9% effective if taken at the same time every day. Imagine your odds of falling pregnant if you use the pill + the pull out method (which your boyfriend is willing to do).

 
Old 08-09-2005, 01:09 AM   #11
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Re: My boyfriend won't wear a condom...what do I do?

Carpe, you're right. The Pill does have a failure rate of 1-5% and that's not just based on taking it at the same time everyday. Many things can affect the effectiveness of the pill..illness, prescriptions meds, otc meds, etc. That's why many medical professional suggest that you always use condoms as a back-up. Whoever it was that said condoms are not an effective method of bc were having a laugh..they're very effective.

I personally find your bf to be extremely selfish. You're right..this is a good indicator for the future. For grown man in this day and age to be so childish about wearing a condom is absurd. You also made an excellent point..it is not the woman's sole responsibility to think up bc methods. It takes two and you should not have to take any chances just because he doesn't want to be responsible. This topic always burns me up as I had an ex-bf like this. I heard every excuse in the book about why he didn't want to wear a condom. In the end I stopped having sex with him because I was tired of the excuses and whining. By the way, the "pull & pray" withdrawal method is a joke in my opinion. To me that's something teen-age boys do because they don't want to bother with condoms.

You're defiantely the responsible one in this relationship so stand your ground and don't give into ultimatums.

Take care.

Nicole

 
Old 08-09-2005, 04:22 AM   #12
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Re: My boyfriend won't wear a condom...what do I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CarpeDiem2006
I also don't understand why it has to be only the woman's responsibility to prevent pregnancy--after all it takes 2...I guess there is nothing else to say...what I was really hoping for here was advice on options other than a condom for him that maybe we could try in addition...
You are asking how to make it all better with a guy that "wants" to fall in love with you and who has demonstrated his priorities in the relationship are focused more on his heigtened sexual pleasure than on building a foundation for the relationship on the things like trust and respect.

I think you may find a better fitting condom that results in a little more pleasure...but I don't think this will affect what appears to be more serious concerns - that is if a loving, committed, supportive relationship is your primary objective.

 
Old 08-09-2005, 04:24 AM   #13
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Re: My boyfriend won't wear a condom...what do I do?

Tiger girl the pill does not have 1%-5% failure rate. Go to google and type in The pill is 99.9% effective, see how many sources you'll find. Go to the planned parenthood website and you'll see its 99.9% effective against pregnancy.

 
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