My husband and I only have sex when he's in the mood. If he's not in the mood, not only is he not interested, but most of the time, he either can't get an erection at all, or can't maintain it. Over the years I have just stopped initiating sex because I've been rejected too many times. I just wait until he's ready and he initiates it, which is hard for me because I'm VERY sexual and I want it all the time. Also, he masturbates almost daily - which I wouldn't mind except that I think that's part of the problem - if he masturabates every afternoon before I get home from work, then he's been satisfied and has no desire for sex with me later that evening. I love him very much and have learned to live with this - however...now we are trying to get pregnant and it seems that he can't perform on demand like I need him too - i.e. when I'm about to ovulate. I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions on what I can do to help??
I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe the next time he tries to initiate tell him you're not in the mood to let him know how you feel. If you're always jumping all over him trying to get sex it can be a turn off. But if you show that your sex is more hard to get then he will start asking for it
Have you discussed the issue with him and how it makes you feel? What about asking him to relieve himself in the morning rather than when he comes home from work? That way you can have the right of first refusal.
How often do you want sex and how often is he in the mood? You didn't specify and for all we know we could be wanting it everyday. Perhaps if he's not in the mood he would be willing to give you a hand or be there for you while you took care of yourself so there would at least be some intimacy involved.
When he's not in the mood what do you do to try to get him in the mood? I mean, are you trying to be romantic and sexual or are you just demanding he perform right then and there? Maybe he could use a little more motivation.
Whatever the problem is, you need to be able to discuss these things openly. Figure out what is going on and try to help each other out.
Thank you for replying to my post, I appreciate your insight. Let me see if I can remember all of your questions...I think I'd have sex every day if he would, but I'd be happy with about 3 times a week I think. And yes of course, I've tried being all romantic and sexy with him...lit candles, sexy lingerie, etc. - but if he's not into at first, I can't get him there no matter what I do. And there have been times that he's "helped me out" when he couldn't get there, but mostly one or both of us just gets aggravated, ashamed, etc. and we end up not doing anything, and sometimes in a fight about it. I am a very open person, we've discussed it on a number of occasions to no avail. He just says he doesn't know why, it's not me, etc. And we've discussed the masturbation issue and he says he won't do it anymore, but I know he does. I guess I just hoped someone could offer up some sort of idea as to what the deal might be and maybe a suggestion about a different way to approach the situation...
I don't mean to sound too harsh but I think your husband is being selfish to only want to make love when he wants to, especially when you are TTC.You should have an understanding with him that "it takes two to tango" Good Luck to both of you.
If you fight about it, then he may have a performance issue because of it. The more you complain, the more pressure you put on him to perform which, of course, will lead to a disaster. If he masturbates all the time, he is possibly doing it to spite you, though it may be a subconsious thing (and he will clearly deny it, even if he would admit to masturbating). It could also mean that he finds you unattractive in some way, and by "unattractive", I do not necessarily mean your physical appearance to him, but possibly your attitude towards him or how you treat him. That is, if you berate him (I don't think you are - I am just giving an example) or put him down or whatever, that action could make you "unattractive" to him to where he simply does not want to deal with sex.
As for cutting him off when he wants sex, I discourage that idea. If he masturbates and he does not respond to you, then he may actually find some relief if you start turning him down, as he will then stop feeling guilty about turning you down as you are now turning him down. I hope that makes sense. You can demand he stop masturbating, but that could only drive his actions further underground and increase his resentment towards you.
As for being romantic with the candles and all, that does not work for men to the extent it works for women! It is nice, but look at the prostitution business and you will realize that men need fantasies more than "romance".
Try to look at things from his perspective and see what it might be that is causing the problem. If things don't improve, then seeing a sex therapist would be a good idea.
There is a possibility that he physically cannot perform and is suffering from ED. He might be too embarrassed or ashamed to discuss the matter, so try bringing up the issue tactfully. He could see a doctor who might be able to help him.
Another question I have is whether you know what gets him in the mood? On the occasions he is able to have sex, do you know how he got that desire in the first place? Perhaps you could ask him about his fantasies and really explore what turns him on. You could also try watching pornography together as most men will respond more to that than candles.
Magnetic brought up some good points about sex and pressure. Many guys find it hard to perform when sex is being pressured or when stress is running high. If he knows that there will be hell to pay if he is unable to keep it up, it might kill the mood altogether.
Also, and I'm sorry to bring this up, but do you think he might be having an affair?
First things first, he needs to stop masturbating so often. If he has the opportunity to have sex every day, and is choosing to masturbate, his fantasy life is a bit out of control. It's healthy to fantasize, but it should never replace the real thing. Secondly, not all guys are into slinky nightgowns and candles - you need to find out what he fantasizes about. Semi-public sex (like in your car at night in a theater parking lot-nothing too risky that might cause problems with the law)? Sex at lunchtime on break from work? Oral sex in the kitchen with the curtain open? etc... The options are endless for men, but nothing too risky or makes you feel uncomfortable. Show him you are spontaneous and willing to make his fantasies come true, to some extent, and he will respond and not masturbate so much.
How long have you been married? How often is he in the mood? As far as his masturbation is it to porn ? and if so is it to straight porn. Poss he has Bisexual or gay tendancies.. Just a thought!! I knwo a friend that was married and her husband was similar and after 12 years of marriage he told her that he could not hide it anymore he was gay. He left her for another man. Just something to think about to keep yourself safe ok ... good luck