Hello. I recenty signed up for the health boards after discovering them. These boards seems like great places to get advice and opinions. I am a 30-year-old male and happily married. I have always been attracted to women ... it is not even a question. My issue is that I have never been 100% confident in my sexuality, though, and it bothers me. What I am trying to say is difficult because I have never completely understood my desires myself. I am definitely attracted to women but can tell an attractive man, too. I don't think about sexual acts with men, but every now and then I suppose I am curious about homosexuality. I never understood why it upsets some people. (Although, I am sure it is not my main desire.)
I guess what I don't get is if I am attracted to women how can I admire men at times? The fact that I put a lot into my male friendships makes me question myself, too. To tell you more about myself, back in high school and college I was never one of the athletes or popular guys. I wonder if sometimes I like having lots of buddies and admire guys simply because I wished I was one of the popular, athletic guys way back when. I wished I was one of those swapping stories in the locker room and hitting all the fraternity parties.
Sometimes I am sure I am perfectly normal. (How can one man not know if another man is handsome? Women admire one another all the time.) At other times I think that I may not be the typical guy, which I guess is okay. Or at least it should be to me.
Any feedback would be great. Is it a myth that a perfectly straight man can't tell if another man is handsome? Is it odd to be curious about a lifestyle you don't have or a desire you never plan to experience. I know this is not the most concise post but I am trying to articulate a confusing issue inside of my brain. I am more open-minded than most guys and guess what I am working on--seriously for the first time in life--is becoming comfortable with this fact. Thanks.
You are perfectly "normal". Whatever "normal" means in society nowadays. Most men (well in Western Culture) dont like to admit or admire the beauty in other men, but in other countries men are very open about their admiration for another man's beauty. Just because you can tell someone is good looking doesnt mean you are bi at all. And even if you were (which I doubt) there is nothing wrong with that. Sexuality isnt always so black and white. Many people are bisexual to a degree, (the Kinsey scale) but all that matters is who u fall in love with and want to spend your life with. Dont worry so much about labelling yourself and just be yourself. Hope this helps.
Thanks for the response. It is nice to talk about this subject, which I have never talked about in my life. I don't know why it bothers me. I see nothing wrong with sexuality outside the straight lifestyle. I know logically that hardly anything in life is black and white, which is good. I tell people that I hate labels and, logically, I do. Yet, I find that that sometimes I am determined to label myself. I have always liked to analyze things, figure them out, and then file them away.
I guess I have spent years trying to get myself to emotionally feel what I know in my mind--appreciating a person's shape, attributes, etc. does not mean you want to have sex with that person. But, it doesn't help that friends and guys I hear talking about sexuality act as if they never have admired another man and have never been curious. Why do some people assume curious means you are automatically gay or bisexual? What's wrong with curiosity anyway, now that I think about it? If people did not question anything in life we would never make some of the great discoveries we have throughout history. Okay. I'm getting off my soapbox now. Maybe the real issue here is that I am simply a little more honest with myself and others than many men. Instead of ignoring a feeling or fantasy, I like to figure it out and why I have it.
Just be sure if you do something sexual with the same sex, you let your wife know. Talk to her about it before you do the act, so she can either understand and be comfortable with it. Or she may not understand and be comfortable with it. It would be cheating on her if you do the act and not tell her. And if you are having anal sex ware a CONDOM.
Ha. Thanks for the response, but in no way did I mean to imply I would ever "try" anything or hurt my marriage. No way. But it is time I become comforable with myself and I think the way to do that is to talk to people. The reason I never have talked about this in person is because it is hard to explain. I can admire men and even be a little bit curious about what it is like not to be straight, but I would not want to "try" anything ... even if I were single. I know that is not for me. I just find it hard to emotionally accept that everyone is not straight, gay, or bisexual. I am trying to understand there are gray areas. I guess I am trying to find a way to accept the grayness that is in myself.
You sound like a confussed Man in your sexuality to me. Maybe you need to talk to a psychiatrist, about this grayness in your life. In your post you sound like you could be attracted to the same sex. And are even having thoughts of having anal sex, with a gay guy who thinks your cute or something like that. What do you think other people that are reading your post are thinking?
Maybe other people reading this post could CHIME in on this one.
well IMO you are absoultely normal.
i do have attraction towards males (not sexually though) and think i am straight becuase even if i try to think myself engaged with another man, it sickens me to death.
still i like to appreciate the beauty of nature regardless of genders.
i even appreciate in a non-gay way to men like. and they then find themselves on cloud 9.
and being a crush for another man is a totally different thing. i cant really say i had a crush on any other man except the one that lives in my bedroom mirror . JK.
its been qiute a few times that i was told that some other men had a crush one me. i took it easily and ignored ith as long as they realised it was just stupid and a simple crush.
the guy who ws in LOVE with me scared me to death and i acually had to grow the circle of my well built friends for protection. lol. i felt like a sweet, poor little teeny girl who had a stalker. but my friends took care of him. didnt beat him but had a word with hi. in a manly way.
anyway, i hope you realise its NORMAL to be attracted to other men.
and its a MYTH. i adore beauty. compliment on it.
i know two of my friends are like me. we even discuss a guy when we see him. not like 'wow he is so handsome, yumm" eww... but like 'hes cool. nice abdomen, wish i had like his' or 'that suit suits him alot looks nicer in it'. but that doesnt make us GAY. and we are all straight and my friends are one of the straightest guys i have ever seen. lol.
ohh and when i was typing my last messege, a friend called me who has a date tonight and asked me what he should wear (strange he asked me, i usually ask others for myself. lol). i told him that he should wear black shirt or navy blue as those colors really suit him and he looks really handsome. he thanked me and said that he will wear black then.
See, i am not all that close to this guy but he took it well. i do think he s good looking.
glad you posted this topic.
i am always in an arguement over this with many people.
why is it considered gay or sometimes a TABOO when a guy likes a guy in a non-sexual way.
why do we always need LABLES so badly?
i am simple.
if you like having sex with men, you are gay
if you like havind sex with women, you are straight
if you like having sex with both, you are bisexual.
those are the only lables i put. the rest is ok.
It's true that you can view sexuality as a continuum - very few people are entirely gay or straight. I believe the reason some men are afraid to admit another guy's attractive, or admit they're interested in other men, is that we're still an absurdly homophobic society. But that doesn't mean the attraction doesn't exist. I suspect the most homophobic folks have at least some attraction to the same sex - more than they'd like - yet they also believe that such attractions are "wrong" (thanks to parents, religion, etc.). So they lash out at others, or tease others, or insist that homosexuality is "wrong". It helps sometimes to remember there's lots of fear wrapped up in that anger.
In any case, I think you're perfectly normal, healthy, and I wholeheartedly applaud your searching for understanding and self-acceptance :-) As someone said (I wish I could remember who), the unexamined life is not worth living. I think it's a real show of strength and courage to question yourself and what you believe in. I wish you all the best.
Thanks again for the responses, everyone. This is a great discussion and something I have wanted to talk about for years. I am the sort of person who can't ignore a situation or feeling. If I think a man is handsome, I can't ignore that thought. I have to examine it. But an attraction is where the thought ends. I don't find myself thinking about sex. But, I guess I could never be one of those sterotypical guys who ignores his feelings. Growing up in an area with many old-fashioned people probably contributes to my anxiety over these thoughts. Again, thanks for the opinions. I have another question, but think I should start a new thread for it.
Location: Just moved with husband to Washington State
Re: Trying to becoming confortable with myself
Hi I am a 22yr old attractive female who has fantasies about other females.. The female body to me is gorgeous so feminine and soft..alot of my girlfriends are the same way..and I actually came up with a theory about it in another post I wrote in response to one girls question on another board. You should read it.
I am happily married to my husband of 7 months and even though I fantasize about girls.but of course still get so turned on by my husbands male physique...I know I would never actually act on those fantasies..I have even kissed a few girls..just kissed, and it didn't turn me on as much as I thought it would. I have also had a few oppertunities to go even further with a girl but when it came down to it..I suddenly got extremly turned off...the fantasy will always be just that, a fantasy.
I know it is completly normal to find yourself attracted to the opposite sex..so don't feel awkward or ashamed..You are completly normal. Whatever normal is. Goodluck---Jess
Hey Griffon, thought I'd give me two bobs worth. I'm in my early fourties, beenvery happily married to my highschool sweetheart for over twenty years, still have a great sex life. I've always admired handsome guys. Always thought a fit and healthy male body is a work of art. when I see a good looking guy I fantasise about my wife and him havin great raunchy sex and me joining in. thats been my fantasy for years.
Recenly that fantasy became reality when my very closest mate, my wife and I started having the most amazing threesomes.
The three os us are all fit, good bodies, attractive and obviously openminded.
These sexual romps have occured over a couple of years, another one planned soon.
We all talk openly about it. My wife is flattered that avery sexy young 24 year old guy likes to make love to her, also early 40's, i get to admire, touch, enjoy the beauty of a great male body and something I've wondered about for years and years.....how would I feel, being naked with another male is so comfortable that I don't even worrie about it anymore.
Having said all that, I feel that there is no way I could be naked with any other guy.
In fact, just as I have never made love to another woman and haven't really hade the need to, I also feel that this mate was always meant to be the right guy.
Although he and I have never had anal, we have talked about doing it. I have given him oral and fondled him during a romp with my wife and the odd time when the two of us have been alone and talking about what we get up to.
We are both in denial when mutual friends ask if anything is "going on". Most people would be reading this and be horrified, thinking up all sorts of negative things to say.
The fact is I cherrish being able to talk candidly and openly to my wife and my mate about very personal feelings of love, sexual desires, friendship.
My mate is now in a relationshipwith a very raunchy girl, who keeps him sexually satisfied, so things have quitened down betweeen him, my wife and I, but one things for sure, none of us regret a thing....so all I can say is one day you will know in your heart when its right to pursue something you have always desired. Don't die wondering, I sure won't,good luck......