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Sexual fantasy and being open ...

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Old 09-07-2005, 07:28 AM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 7
Griffon HB User
Question Sexual fantasy and being open ...

Hi. This question goes along with the thread I started about trying to become comfortable thinking that other men are attractive (but not in a I-want-sex way).

I feel guilty sometimes about sexual fantasies and feel as if I am not being honest with my wife if don't tell all my fantasies (straight ones). Also, going back to the attraction issue, I feel as if I am hiding something from my male buddies because I don't tell them how open-minded I am. I never tell them that I could find a man attractive (again, doesn't mean sex is in the thought).

But, people should not be expected to reveal their thoughts to everyone, even loved ones, right? Some thoughts are our own business, right? I guess I want to be completely honest with everyone all the time; I hate there are some issues I can't fully explain to people because they are hard for me to understand myself. What are everyone's thoughts on the matter?

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Old 09-07-2005, 09:26 AM   #2
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 245
lharmon37 HB User
Re: Sexual fantasy and being open ...

I am sorry but I am having a hard time trying to understand I guess, if you just want guys you see as attractive to be able to say it to them. And you want some kind of approval from posters on this board. Why don't you talk to your wife about things like that she is the closest one to you. How long have you been married? You may feel like embracing the whole world with this attitude.

But sorry to say unless a man is gay or bisexual in this day, most men would think it would be odd of you to say something like that to them.
I really think you need to talk to a professional
on this subject they would be better to give you advice how to handle what you are feeling.

Old 09-07-2005, 10:55 AM   #3
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 7
Griffon HB User
Re: Sexual fantasy and being open ...

I guess I didn't express myself very clearly. I have no desire to tell any guy he is attractive. That person would freak. I guess the root of my question for discussion is are sexual fantasies/thoughts anyone else's business, and is it normal to keep your sexual thoughts to yourself? I guess I did grow up not talking about sex much and internalizing a lot. So I'm trying to research for myself what is "normal" and what is not. I'm leaning toward the theory that everyone has sexual thoughts/fantasies and they are only someone else's business if you choose to discuss it with someone.

Old 09-07-2005, 11:11 AM   #4
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 245
lharmon37 HB User
Re: Sexual fantasy and being open ...

I believe in todays society people keep those those thoughts to themselves, unless of course you are trying to get together with someone. You sound like a very nice person, it's to bad that there is such a stigma with attitudes towards the sexes with expressing emotions.

Old 09-07-2005, 11:15 AM   #5
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 375
sparkleflower HB User
Re: Sexual fantasy and being open ...

Everyone has sexual fantasies, and few reveal them to others - except for maybe the most conventional fantasies, the ones you know your partner or friends would share and/or accept. It's TOTALLY okay to fantasize about other people than your wife, or things you wouldn't necessarily want to do if you had the opportunity. And it's totally okay to keep some secrets. Fantasy is all your own. But sometimes it can be a real turnon to share a particularly erotic fantasy with your partner, if you think she would enjoy it too :-) But again, certainly don't feel you have to share it with anyone unless you want to.

I think "The Erotic Mind", by Jack Morin would be very helpful to you in figuring out more about yourself, particularly along these lines. Do the exercises as you go along :-)

Old 09-07-2005, 11:28 AM   #6
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Location: Auckland, New Zealand
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ksaguy HB User
Re: Sexual fantasy and being open ...

well Griffon, in my opinion, it s normal, i dont care what this society says.
its not like i am going to start feeling guys, but commenting in a honest and straight way, i am sure the guy wouldnt mind.
like i said before, i comment a guy/gal if they attract me and if i adore them or if somethings bothering me about them. for example: if i see a guy at a store buying shirts and trying them out, id normally suggest them what to pick and what suits them. they thank me alot and the look i have from them does not carry the message 'are you GAY' it instead says 'thank you very much'.

to be perfectly honest, what i have observed all my life since i am very out spoken andstaright forward that when you comment a straight guy in a desent way, he appreciates it because straight guys dont think every second man as a gay. gay men suspect every other man to be at least bi.

trust me, if you comment your guy friend "Brown suits you" or 'that cap looks cool on you' or 'that cap doesnt suit you at all' etc, if the guys is straight, he would definately take it as a compliment. if he is bi even if on the inside, hed think 'was he hitting on me?' or 'is that guy gay becase passing gay comments?' etc just to prove they are the straightest creature in all.

my friend told me that i look cute in green, sexy in black, handsome in blue and gay in violet. lol. he said this in a group of friends and i took that as a compliment so did everyone. but if the same thing a stranger told me, i would THINK about it. but wouldnt lable him as gay.

are you getting my point? am i even making one?
i am not good at explaining. sorry.

Old 09-07-2005, 11:40 AM   #7
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 7
Griffon HB User
Re: Sexual fantasy and being open ...

Thanks all. I'm going to try and keep in mind that it is okay to have fantasies and not share them with people unless you want to share. I pretty much thought that but wanted other people's opinions. And, KSAguy, I know where you are coming from. From reading your other posts, it seems like we agree on many things.

Old 09-07-2005, 04:10 PM   #8
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 69
rainy_daze HB User
Re: Sexual fantasy and being open ...

Sharing your fantasies with a loved one can be fun and educational. You learn what turns each other on and get turned on in the process. Of course, this can also backfire. Especially when you bring in other people or describe acts that might disturb the other person. So you really have to be secure in your relationship and feel the other person out.

Not discussing your fantasies isn't wrong. There's no reason to bring up every single fantasy you have with your signifigant other. These are innocent lil' daydreams and don't need to be made into a big production.

I understand honesty is important in a relationship, but that doesn't mean being brutally honest. ie: When your wife asks if she looks fat she isn't seeking the truth, she is seeking reassurance.

Ksaguy made a good point. You can compliment someone and say they're attractive without doing it in a sexual or intimidating way. Few people will ever complain about getting a complimented unless you're being vulgar or creepy about it.

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