It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Sexual Health - Men Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-09-2006, 11:17 PM   #1
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 22
Chickie0326 HB User
Why don't we have sex?

Hey everyone,
I'm a 20yr old female. My boyfriends also in his 20's we've been together for 4 years and living together for 2. We have of course had our ups and downs throughout the relationship but we are very much in love. that is why I don't understand what is wrong with our sex life. We have a great relationship in every other area.

I'd say for the last year 1/2 or 2 we have only been having sex like once or twice a month! He has no problems physically so i don't understand why he isn't wanting it more often. I feel like I am always the one making the move and i'd say 80% of the time I get turned down. If anything he'll just want oral sex. He'll talk all day about doing it then keep putting it off until night and finally say he's too tired.

A year ago, I thought maybe he's going through a rough time w/ work,being a recorved alcoholic stuff like that so I thought he was depressed & that was the reason. Then I found a collection of porn in his car(he wasnt hiding it). I was extremely hurt. Normally this wouldnt bother me but the fact that we werent active sexually really made it hurt. So I talked to him about it and he threw it away(his decision) and I havent seen any since. Our sex life hasn't improved though and the porn isnt the issue anymore because believe me I kept a close eye. My self esteem is really low because of this and it shouldnt be because im very attractive and never had a problem like this with any ex's. I'm starting to pick myself apart. WHen we finally do have sex I feel very self conscious.

I just don't know what to do anymore. We've had talks over and over about this and he has a diff excuse everytime. He blames me, blames depression, says he's tired or sick whatever he can say at that moment! Sex is important to me and im scared because if our relationship is like this now i can't imagine it when we are married w/ kids.

I know reading this a lot of you will think maybe he's cheating. I KNOW for a fact that he is not cheating. so thats not it.... I do have faith in him and know that he loves me. I'm just wondering if after a couple years sex fades out or maybe it gets dull with the same person after awhile. (it doesnt for me but maybe somepeople?)

Any oppinions would be appreciated

Last edited by Mod-S4; 01-10-2006 at 05:25 AM. Reason: Vulgar language is not allowed on these boards. Neither is attempting to disguise it.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-10-2006, 04:44 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 646
daisy-duke77 HB User
Re: Why don't we have sex?

How long has he been a recovering alcoholic? Really that too can have something to do with it...........It's almost like you have to "learn" to have sex all over again............sober sex is way diffrent than drunk sex! I was also gonna ask...........Have you been sexually compatible in the past? Being compatible with your partmer is also very important. As far as the porn issue...that is fairly normal..........BUT.........the hiding part would bother me too! Sounds like there is obviously something going on with him........do you guy's communicate well? You have to be able to communicate.....that is soooo important in a relationship. Have you talked to him about how you feel? What is his response?

 
Old 01-10-2006, 06:32 AM   #3
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 22
Chickie0326 HB User
Re: Why don't we have sex?

I'm not really sure if we communicate well. I would say when we get aggitated or something is bothering one of us we dont talk about it until it explodes into an argument so i would say not really. That is why i'm in this situation I think. We don't communicate well so I'm not sure why he is like this. I don't wanna bring it up a lot because I am so afraid of his answer. Awhile ago we got into a big fight and he said "We don't even have sex anymore!" almost as though that was my fault!
I don't think it is the recovery process either because he was turning me down before too.
BTW when he started buying the porn. He wasn't secretive about it. He'd show me the mags and tell me which ones he had and where he got them. I basically acted like I didnt care until finally I had enough! Now since that isnt the issue I have no idea what it is. He tells me I love you all the time. He says im his best friend, talks about marraige and children. We cuddle and playfight and all that still. I will say though that we hardly ever kiss anymore. When I go in for a kiss its a peck like how he kisses his mother. I am ALWAYS the one who goes in for a kiss and it will only be open mouthed if i tell him too.
he is NOT gay. if he was gay i'd have found gay porn. We do everything together the only thing he dsoes seperate is go to the gym and an AA meeting. even when he is gone he constantly calls me so I don't believe its cheating either.

So you can understand why this is making me so insecure. I was never like this in my life. I have recently been looking into getting a breast augmentation and changing my haircolor. I have never felt this insecure about myself until being turned down by the person I love. Of course he doesnt know any of this is because of him. I am just trying to spice up our relationship. Since Lingerie and massage oils don't seem to be doing the trick.

 
Old 01-10-2006, 07:47 AM   #4
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 197
neflin HB User
Re: Why don't we have sex?

I would have a heart to heart talk to him on this. If it does not work out and he is not what you want in a man make the break. Things do not always get better. It is a big decision but why waste your time.

Hope it all works out but you are only young once and why be miserable.

 
Old 01-10-2006, 09:02 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 646
daisy-duke77 HB User
Re: Why don't we have sex?

You both are awfully young.........to have been together since you were 16. Not that it's a bad thing............When you settle so young you change sooo much and you can either grow together or grow apart. Do you think he could be feeling "tied down"? As for the hair color and breast implants.......dont try to change yourself that way..........about the breast implants.........if you really want them, do it after you have had children, cuz they can change during pregnacy and you wouldnt want to go back in for corrective surgery. Anywayz...........communication is the only thing that come's to mind. Communication and trust....in my eye's are the most important things in a relationship.........you can love someone............BUT........if you dont have the other 2 then to me is a pretty "unhealthy" relationship. Just try to sit down with him and tell him how you are feeling.......if you can talk about it, it bet it will get better.........maybe he doesnt even know how you feel.......or even think that there is a real problem with your sex life. Hope you get some answer's and good luck..................

 
Old 01-10-2006, 09:16 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 5,193
tommy124 HB Usertommy124 HB Usertommy124 HB Usertommy124 HB Usertommy124 HB User
Re: Why don't we have sex?

This doesn't sound normal to me, but it sounds like you have a good relationship.
I would suspect that this may be a physical problem. He should have a blood test done, and have his testosterone, free testosterone, and E2 estradiol checked.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Don't Quit A Poem I would Like to Share With My rsd Family chick58 Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD) (CRPS) 3 11-09-2005 08:56 PM
I want to yet I don't think I can... junalo Relationship Health 38 11-30-2004 09:09 PM
I don't know what to do!!! Greeneyedgurl85 Addiction & Recovery 12 08-13-2004 12:29 PM
Don't like ppl, don't like bein alone StaceyLee Panic Disorders 2 05-30-2004 01:28 AM
I don't know. jarsofglitter Depression 3 04-01-2004 07:49 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Fles (14), mc7 (10), wachix (7), Bob652 (7), tommy124 (6), Vanilla Kiss (6), Mod-S4 (5), Just Tell Me (5), aowshea (5), keil (4)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1013), Apollo123 (909), Titchou (856), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (755), midwest1 (670), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:06 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!