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Old 02-18-2006, 12:39 AM   #1
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Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

I am dating a 47 yr old male who is recently divorced (although seperated for some time before that.) We met while he was in the process, became friends first, and then months later became intimate. We are only dating eachother.

From what I know about his marriage, his wife was very abusive. She is still around and I can see.have seen this for myself. He was with her for 22 years and has had very few partners, even before they were married.

Although he definitely seems to enjoy sex with me, he has the inability to climax with sex of any kind, despite everything I have tried to relax and/or excite him. He says it has been this way for a long time (my impression is for several years.) He's told me it will "take time" and that his self-esteem is shot due to years of self-doubt and feeling inadequate from her cruel words. In saying this, he is not denying it is a psychological problem, but he also does not seem as if he is able to give it a genuine effort to get past this.

I just want him to relax and let the good feelings come over him. Our limited sexual time thus far has been fun and natural, (not pressured in anyway), nor am I critical of him, his body, his techniques, or anything else for that matter. He is surprisingly open-minded sexually, and experimental, etc., and I want him to finally feel good and let go of these past hang-ups.

But personally for me, I love sex, and the pleasure of climax, and I feel like the experience would be so much greater if he could get to that point too. I am not sure how long to go along without bringing up the fact that he should look into resolving this, professionally if need be. We feel strongly about one another in so many ways, but sex is too important to me not to have it eventually be mutually, totally satisfying.

Has it been too long for him to retrain himself or teach an old dog new tricks??
Thank you for your thoughts and help.

 
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Old 02-18-2006, 02:29 AM   #2
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Re: Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

How often does he masterbate? If it is often, this may be his only way that he can climax. I would ask him. Then I would ask him if he could refrain doing it before he is with you. This may help him be able to climax with you.
I don't believe that it is because of the way his ex-wife treated him. Men don't put sex and emotions in the same envelope, like women do. He may just be using this as an excuse.

 
Old 02-18-2006, 02:22 PM   #3
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Re: Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

MommaBee ~ I think you could be right about the excuses... I have noticed that a few times now in unrelated matters, so I am starting to wonder what is exactly going on here. He admittedly says he has low self esteem in some regards and is not very comfortable with his body.

He does masterbate, but I do not know how often. That is why I assume this is not a physical problem.
I have also suggested that while we make love, he could masterbate himself and bring himself to climax with me so he will be more relaxed about having had one in front of or with me the next time...

We both have teens and cannot get together enough for my desire level, and I am trying to consider that maybe his drive is less than mine. He does not make arrangements in his own life to have adult time as much as I would like. I'm open and direct, so I hope this is not an avoidance situation. I don't want him to feel additional pressure. Despite techinque and tricks, he sure seems to love it all when it happens, but it's not bringing about result.

I've only come across this problem with one older man of 52 - couldn't finish with a female in the past 10 years! Something was not right there.
My friend's BF that's in his mid-late 40's is also one that cannot climax. I just wondered how common it might be or if it is possibly an age thing? My last Bf was a 50 year old when we broke off, and he was ready and able every single time. No problems ever from 46-50 yoa. By 51, he would occasionally start to go soft if we went too long, but he could still finish without hesitation. So, still wondering if it's the man - or age...

Thanks for the thoughts and ideas! Men - please tell me what you think!

 
Old 02-21-2006, 11:48 AM   #4
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tucker73 HB User
Re: Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

"I don't believe that it is because of the way his ex-wife treated him. Men don't put sex and emotions in the same envelope, like women do. He may just be using this as an excuse."

I disagree..i went through an abusive marrage also and it affected me when i married again. My present Wife is/was very suportive and we have no problems whatsoever.

 
Old 02-21-2006, 06:59 PM   #5
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Re: Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

I think the idea of masturbating together is a great one.
I am wondering why this didn't happen?

 
Old 02-22-2006, 12:34 AM   #6
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Re: Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

Thank you for the responses.
I have suggested that he bring himself to climax and he said it takes him a long time and he is not sure how comfortable he is doing it in front of me...

Maybe I am uninhibited, but I don't completely understand what the difference would be of having intercourse, giving and receiving oral without issue, but being too nervous or embarrased to touch yourself in front of your partner... ??

Maybe I should add that he has been with maybe a total of 4 women sexually, including his ex-wife, and I have been with many partners.

We've had long sessions, with variety - plenty of time for even the most long-lasting gentleman. (At least it has always been in the past.) I am not sure if extra stimulation of some kind, or unusual friction, or just what might be needed here to get him over the top. I do want to be supportive and make this work out.
Do I just need to be extra-patient and he will come around? (no pun intended.)
How much time would be reasonable until I address it as an issue he should seek professional help with or do some men just sadly go thru life like this?

Thanks again.

 
Old 02-22-2006, 12:01 PM   #7
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Re: Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

I am now older, and notice that it takes me longer (however glad for me in my situation). The mutual masturbation is a great thing to try. Switch off between playing with yourself and play with him while he is masturbating himself. Guys are also visual so see if you can position himself to see you both playing with him and doing yourself. Talking (sexual, dirty) can help and use some massaging warming lotion that also can help. Don't forget to be adventurous with the oil if he feels up to it.

Hopefully he might warm up and relax in other ways, or maybe this will become a traditional way to finish off your love making.

Although I am not in the same situation (I can feel for him) I was also in a somewhat abusive previous marriage and my wife is very supportive of me.

Hope this helps

 
Old 02-22-2006, 12:20 PM   #8
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Re: Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

HotMama,

Just another thing to consider. Does your BF take any antidepressants? They are notorious for this affect on males and females alike. It's called anorgasma. My hubby has been on several SSRI's and for the past few years, he hasn't been able to climax either.

 
Old 02-24-2006, 05:19 AM   #9
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Re: Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MommaBee
How often does he masterbate? If it is often, this may be his only way that he can climax. I would ask him. Then I would ask him if he could refrain doing it before he is with you. This may help him be able to climax with you.
I don't believe that it is because of the way his ex-wife treated him. Men don't put sex and emotions in the same envelope, like women do. He may just be using this as an excuse.
I'm sorry but I totally resent your outmomded concept that men don't relate emotions and sex.

Men are capable of making boneheaded statements.

It seems women are too.

 
Old 02-24-2006, 01:19 PM   #10
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Re: Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

Going along with the masterbation theme... Have him masterbate till the point of climax then have him enter you for the final few motions. This may help him get the feeling of climaxing inside of you instead of masterbating to climax with his hand.

He very well maybe used to using his own hand and that has caused some issues with climax. See if he will show you how he does it or have him do it till the moment of climax then you take over and see if that helps.

Good luck.

BB
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Old 02-24-2006, 03:13 PM   #11
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Re: Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

Well, I greatly appreicate all of your responses! It tells me I am on the right track.
Just to respond to a couple things here -
Yes, he was a anti-depressants for a short period while going thru the divorce, but he had this problem long before he ever started medication. It was one of the things I considered as well. He is off of them now but I'm afraid this lil problem is one in his head, seperate from meds. Great thought though.

I asked him this past weekend if he masterbates, and how often, thinking maybe he could slowly wean himself so his urge is stronger when we have sex. He said he does masterbate himself on occasion, but stopped when we started getting physical. That is different from the men I've known, who materbated regularly but still wanted sex whenever possible. So, I gave him credit for recognizing that maybe he already knows that he needs to make a transition and knew what he needed to do. I know he is not comfortable masterbating in front of me. He turned red when I suggested it and shook his head saying he didn't know if he could. I shared my ideas of watching him, which I enjoy, or doing it together - much like all of you have suggested, with the hope of eventually having him release inside me when he was just about ready.... All great suggestions. So, this last "session" it was all going the same. I took it all very slow with the plan of getting him really relaxed - not worked up. I gave him a great massage, soothed him, just lots of teasing without making any moves towards intercourse. In the end, I masterbated myself (with help from an electric friend) and although he was a little surprised at first, he quickly warmed to the idea. I thought if I was comfortable enough to show him that, maybe his guard would drop.
Well, I didn't think it was fair or right that I once again climaxed - but not with him - nor did he get to have that finished and satisfied feeling. UGH.

I will keep trying, but am open to all of your ideas.
He's a great guy, so I want to understand this.
Do any of you know men or are a man that just DOESN"T climax at all and are really satisfied with this?
Thanks again!!

 
Old 02-27-2006, 07:34 PM   #12
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Re: Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

Even though I am a woman, I have to agree with The Watcher. Men may not always, but are certainly capable of relating emotions to sex. A close friend of mine (a long time ago, my lover) is now in a long term relationship with another friend. She regularly be-rates him in front of others about his inability to climax with her...a problem he did not have with me. He really loves her, but she can be quite cruel, commenting on the small size of his penis, his problems maintaining an erection, etc...and I think this has effected him. He has recently admitted that she is being honest...he cannot seem to climax with her. I can only imagine that if he became intimate with another woman, those self-doubts would carry over and make things difficult. I like the idea of mutual masturbation, and I think you're attitude is wonderful. You don't seem to be in a hurry or pressuring him, and I think that'll be the most important thing.

 
Old 02-28-2006, 12:20 AM   #13
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Re: Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

Thank you LadyShriver1 - I appreciate the kind words of support. I'm sure tryin' to be patient (and creative.) I think that any person belittling another, especially about sexual matters, is very cruel and abusive. Your man friend should not tolerate it. I understand how it could possibly give someone a complex and mess with their mind, but my guy truly doesn't have a reason to continue to feel inadequate, so I am not sure just what his crazy ex instilled in his brain over the years. I hope it will just take time for him to trust again. I will push for only masterbation the next encounter and see what happens...
Thanks Y'All!

 
Old 03-06-2009, 12:31 PM   #14
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Re: Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

I am a man who also has this problem of not always climaxing. I saw my general practice doctor concerning this and he just asked if I enjoyed sex. I explained that I did but that often I would go beyond the point of climax, not over stimulated but unable to reach that point of no return. I told him that I thought it was a mental thing, to which he replied "if you worry about it, it will only make it more likely to happen, relax and enjoy, if it happens, it happens".
I too am devorced after 23 years to a woman who became more a companion then a lover, her interest in sex infrequent, mine constant. I chose to be happiness over continued companionship.
Now I am in a commited realtionship with a wonderful lady, I enjoy sex and am constantly interested in making love with her. When we first began having sex I had only infrequent problems of not climaxing, but now that we have been living together for a few years this problem is much more frequent. I can sometimes overcome this by self masterbation while with her.
Here is what I think you need to know. During sex I enjoy myself right to the brink of climax and this can last an hour without my being able to release. As I relax, say during post coital oral, I get my release in a prolonged spazmodic euphoria. Not a sudden burst as I was trying for earlier, and try I did for an extended time.
Often, I can watch adult erotica and then have "just go for it sex" and climax, but it is not as satisfying as the mutual love making we all desire. I love my lady and I enjoy my sexual experiences.
So please don't base the future of your relationship on this point.
Mental or not, here is the kicker ... this "problem" of mine is one a young stud would give his left nut for, I mean sex for an hour and a half maybe longer? And the whole time feeling he's on the brink of climax!

 
Old 03-07-2009, 03:35 PM   #15
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Re: Bf Cannot Climax - Any Hope At This Point?

I am pretty sure this will work - as I had a girl friend that would do this. First do something in the day that gets the blood flowing. This will give him a reference point that you have alrady bonded in the day. At night put him in his favorite chair and ask him which scene on a XXX DVD he likes the best. Put in the dvd and get to his scene. Then start on him with oral sex. Tell him do NOT look at you just look at the screen. Make sure he is disobeying you by looking up into his eyes. This is pretty much guaranteeing success.

 
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