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Old 02-19-2006, 03:12 PM   #1
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mrjsmith HB User
Performance anxiety sucks

Just sounding off a bit here. I keep playing the same record over and over in my mind. Hopefully it'll shut off at some point. Blah.

I didn't do much sexually in high school because of my upbrining and pining over a particular girl. In college I didn't do too much either. Partied too much, and had a certain lack of women around. Some here and there, but not much. After college I started dating a girl. The first time we went to have sex, I lost my erection. Now, I wasn't a virgin, but I was far from experienced. Anyway, this bothered me to no end. No erection problems while fooling around. Oral? Great. But when it was time to actually have sex, it would disappear.

We broke up.

Over a year later I wound up with a girl. Same thing was happening. However, I talked to her about it, and after a couple sessions, we worked it out. That was pretty sweet. Then I wanted it all the time.

Next girl I dated, same problem the first time, but I talked about it with her, and right after we talked we had sex. That was great. We then had sex all the time. No trouble.

After that, I never had another episode. It always popped in my mind the first time I was with a new girl, but it always worked out.

So, total timeline. First girl with the trouble was 7 years ago. Next girl was 5.5 years ago, and the third was a couple months after that.

Then, 2 months ago, I started dating a new girl. Now, we both said we weren't looking for something serious. Just fooling around. I'd been single for almost a year. Same for her.

The first time we were together, I was really hungover, exhausted, and had had a few drinks while we were out. I had also been have some low sex drive, which is pretty rare for me, but there were multiple emotional things involved, plus a fairly restricted diet. I could tell I wasn't really feeling it that night, but after fooling around for a while, it would be ok. I would also pull out the performance anxiety discussion if need be.

So, we start fooling around. Nothing is going on in my department, even though we really haven't done anything yet. I figure I'll be ok in a minute or 2. She, however, completely freaks out. See, it turns out she is very worried about how she looks, etc. So, when she starts freaking out, clearly the show is over. She actually leaves.

We get together again, but its her time of the month. She gives oral, and there are no problems.

Next time we're together, I try to have sex right away. Mostly because I'm now worried that I'll slip back into the PA mode again if we don't get this "sorted out". She tells me that she wants to give me oral first, because I will be quick, then we'll have sex later in the night. I told her that was questionable, but that's what happened. So, anyway, the more I hung out with her the more I realized she is VERY uncomfortable with herself. For example, she required a sheet to cover herself at all times. All lights off. Etc.

So, the second round does not work out that night. At one point it almost did, but she stopped me for one reason or another, and that was it.

Next time, I'm back in PA mode. We attempt to have sex, and it doesn't happen. Long talk about it, and suddenly, no problem. Sex.

Next time, I'm thinking about it again, and its not working. A little later we fool around, and it works out.

So, anyway, we stop hanging out. I've left out much detail here, but she was way out there. The PA problems did not really go away while I was with her. Only on a few occasions were things working.

So, besides the PA issues I'm in a much better mental place right now. I also switched up my diet, and my sex drive is back into the annoying range it usually is. I even wound up going home with a girl I used to hook up with last weekend. We had sex that night, even though I was getting a little worried while the clothes were coming off. Then we did it again the next morning. I even masterbated later that day, and a couple times the next.

I have a couple dates coming up with some really great girls. I mean, don't know how that happened, but it did. And, I'm really looking for a girlfriend this time. So, I should be realxed, right?

I'm completely freaked out. I mean, I'm convinced that the first time with a new girl is going to bomb. I even imagine going throug a long process, and not getting over it etc. I tell myself that if I just relax, I'll be fine. But now even thinking about sex with a new girl kind of gets me nervous. Just sitting around.

A friend of mine also happens to be having the same issue as me. I think his story is actually what's got me really freaked out. I would be ok with the idea of the first time with a new girl being tough, but his is ongoing for a long period.

Anyway, I know if I just relax it'll be ok. I know that if I have trouble with a new girl that I should just talk with her, focus on having a good time, and it should be ok. I also have sworn to only date nice semi-normal girls from now on, so I'm not even really worried about that conversation.

Yet here I am. Still freaked out. I just want to be able to relax and have a good time. This is bugging me out.

Any advice? I can't even imagine a piece of advice that would help, but I guess some "yeah, I hear ya" kind of stuff would help. Blah.

Thanks for reading...

 
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Old 02-20-2006, 06:05 PM   #2
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Illcat HB User
Re: Performance anxiety sucks

This is actually a very common occurence.

Last edited by Illcat; 02-21-2006 at 03:31 AM.

 
Old 02-24-2006, 04:13 AM   #3
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TheWatcher HB User
[ deleted ]

That over with.

MrJ:

I'm not an overly experienced guy, but I do know the work around for this problem, and It will be easier if I just tell you how I did it.

First off I am currently with a great girl. Our communication is first rate, and we love each other, I've told her things about myself that I have told no-one [and her likewise]
I told her that I needed some time to adjust to having sex with a girl as had been single for a long time before meeting her.
We had a long dicussion about sex and came to the realization that sex does'nt have to result in an orgasm, on either side. I can sense all the guys reading this thinking what the heck!? but it's true, society ingrains this concept into us, that the guy must have a big stiff penis, the girl must orgasm, and then he shortly after...just like the movies.
But this notion didn't sit well with me and my girl and we agreed that as we really love each other deeply the thing we most loved about penetration was the closeness. Not just the orgasm.

We agreed that we would just share closeness through penetrative sex. If I lost my erection half-way through, two minutes in, or just near the end. It would be OK. If she didn't orgasm, fine. it's all OK. Orgasms are merely the icing on the cake, not a point we try to reach.

The result of this agreement, and I hope I'm getting to answering your question now. Is that the agreement I made with my partner took all the expectation out of sex. Knowing that there was no pressure whatsoever made my performance issues go away.

Though your PA conversation seems to help. I think it is a bit of a "magic feather." What I think you should wait for [because through looking you'll never find] is someone that you love and who will be willing to go through a period of adjustment with you. Having gone through the experience you went through I remember desperately wanting to skip all the adjusting and jump straight into functioning normally, but I couldn't. I totally understand it if you don't look forward to having to go through this 'yukky' phase, but if you are with someone you truly love, then it will won't really matter. Will it?

I hope I have helped you in some way, and I sincerley wish you the best of luck.

C.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 02-24-2006 at 03:22 PM. Reason: Please do not tell other members how or how much to post. / Terminology.

 
Old 02-24-2006, 03:27 PM   #4
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 3,190
Magnetic HB UserMagnetic HB User
Re: Performance anxiety sucks

I think you have it all figured out. Try to focus on simply being with the girl and enjoying her for her company, then the sex thing will work itself out. You seem to have been placing too much emphasis on sex, which seems so commen today. Don't be in a hurry for it. My best advice would be to talk to her about this soon, before you will first have sex. Don't wait to bring it up until after it happens. If you bring it up before, she will be expecting it and she will be much less likely to think it is her, and that you are only trying to be nice by saying it is you. Girls have ego's, too. So, yeah, talk to her in advance and I bet she will be understanding and then things will go fine.

 
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