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Old 06-23-2006, 10:43 AM   #1
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Now that we've had sex, it may have been a horrible mistake

A few days ago I wrote distraught that for the second time I got performance anxiety and couldn't keep an erection for my GF. That issue is over and done with . . last night we had sex, but a whole new problem arose. For her, this has been something she had been (obviously) waiting for for years, and had gathered god knows how many pre-conceived ideas for what it was going to be like. I felt like no matter what I did that I was not going to live up to the expectations she had of this moment, especially considering the fact that I'm not that much more experienced than her, and sure enough, it seemed like a big failure. By all accounts, for me, it wasn't great, could have been better for sure, but was not exactly poor (I realize this is easy to say as a guy). But for her, this was the ultimate letdown. She couldn't believe that it didn't hurt (I have chalked this up to the fact that since I have fingered her numerous times, often rather aggressively, that my easy rhythm was no match) and just generally was bewildered as to why it wasn't the most amazing, romantic, gratifying thing that's ever happened to her. She had so strongly romanticized this moment for so long that the delivery left her perplexed, sad and ultimately almost numb. By the end of the night, she just laid there, in some speechless daze, sometimes gazing off into space, sometimes drifting off, not saying much of anything and eventually even crying! I just held her and tried to play "good boyfriend". I felt simply awful for her the entire time, trying to think what must have been going through her mind, and also trying to fight back beating myself up for not being better for her. But as I left her room since she needed to get some sleep and not be bothered since she had work early the next morning, I suddenly felt like she was being unreasonable in a lot of ways and became angry with her for being generally unresponsive, distant, et al. I just felt like here we were in a moment that wasn't particularly easy for either of us and rather than helping me and helping herself, she chose to be completely closed off (the thing that she *****es at me most about!) and completely, selfishly insular. She could barely muster mumbling "good night" as I left, let alone a kiss goodbye or something to show that she cared about me. To her credit, she let me hold her, but she wouldn't let me affect her at all in my attempts to break through to her. I just wanted to ease her mind in any way that I could about whatever was troubling her, but she wouldn't throw me even a bone fragment. Here I am trying my damnedest to not do what I often do and feel responsible, but her introverted, stone-faced demeanor made me feel like a jerk, like just some two-bit Jack who couldn't make her precious little girl dreams come true. I just thought it was totally unfair considering the totality of the situation. I was wondering in general what people might think of her reaction and wondered if anyone had any similar experiences when the girl in the relationship lost their virginity. I felt awful that I had such a dubious part in ruining this moment she had anticipated with such grandiosity for so long, but also unappreciated and very unfairly ignored really for not being able to live up to a mountain of expectations. If anyone could give me some feedback, I would really appreciate it.

Last edited by buck44_22; 06-23-2006 at 10:46 AM.

 
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Old 06-23-2006, 11:41 AM   #2
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Re: Now that we've had sex, it may have been a horrible mistake

Wow...you must have at least 100 different emotions running through you.

Frankly, I don't know what she could have been expecting her first time. We women are told over and over by our mothers, aunts, older friends -- everyone -- that our first time will probably be our worst. It's awkward, new, you're not real sure what you like and what you don't, some of it might hurt; some might feel good; some is in between. I feel pretty secure in saying that young women have been given these "talks" since humans have been making whoopie.

I think her behavior towards you after was rotten and extremely selfish. Even if the roles were reversed, and I'd just gotten intimate with a guy who acted like that after, I'd be crushed, ****** and bewildered -- not necessarily in that order.

I don't really have any advice for you to go from here. You know yourself and you know her. If you decide to continue the relationship, I think you're going to have to address why she acted that way after, and I think you deserve a very, very sincere apology. I mean, the sex wasn't all about her. It takes two to tango; you have feelings, and they were hurt. Can you imagine if you'd treated her that way after? OMG. You'd be looking over your shoulder today wondering if you were going to get your lights knocked out by some big relative of hers.

So sorry this happened to you. You sound like a nice guy who didn't deserve this.

 
Old 06-23-2006, 01:19 PM   #3
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Re: Now that we've had sex, it may have been a horrible mistake

Well, I saved myself until marriage and had high hopes and unfortunately, the first time my husband was very selfish....he was all about himself and it hurt and he didn't go easy on me even when i told him to stop. Three years later, I still haven't gotten over it and I felt much like you described your gf as being. In the beginning, he was selfish and never did anything for me...now, after I've complained a lot, he is now willing to do stuff for me befoer intercourse but there is such resentment about his past behavior that I've lost interest in sex with him to a large extent.

Now, in your situation, if you were very considerate to her and tried to make it good for her rather than focusing on yourself, she shouldn't be mad at you or resentful. I never had any talks like the previous poster has referred to and I did have big hopes, so I was very disappointed. Society makes a big deal about how great sex is so it is surprising for it not to be good (at least it was for me). Your girlfriend could just be in shock right now.

I would try not to take it too personally...it's a really big deal having sex the first time, and if it's not what you expect, it can be upsetting/disappointing. That's not to say that it's your fault at all. It sounds like you were considerate and wanted it to be good for you. You might want to talk to her nicely and say that it should get a lot better and that she shouldn't feel bad b/c most women don't enjoy the first time....and let her know you want it to be good for her and that she needs to let you know what she likes, etc.

I would be surprised if she is still cold or mean if you said the above. She could have just been in shock b/c I know I was the first time. If she continues to be cold even after you try to comfort her, then I think that it's more likely that she's not just in shock but that she might be mad, etc at you, which is way unfair to you....then you need to ahve a serious talk about her unreasonableness and lack of consideration.

Just my two cents.....I really think though that this wasn't a personal thing against you

 
Old 06-23-2006, 04:18 PM   #4
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Re: Now that we've had sex, it may have been a horrible mistake

Movies and magazines have made it seem that intercourse is this wonderful, dramatic thing, but it is just a biological activity. It can be a great experience, but if you have high hopes, especially for a first time, you are bound to be disappointed. Many girls are left wondering what the big deal is about sex (boys usually do much better) but, with time, they gradually get the hang of things and can come to love it.

You will need to talk to her and maybe show her articles that a woman's first time is, often, her worst time, and then together you can work on making it better for her. I hope she is not the type that will embark on a journey of one night stands trying to find someone who can make her dreams come true.

You certainly seemed caring, and she was a bit rude, but realize that this was a big night for her and it wasn't like she dreamed and, even if no fault of yours, she still might blame you. Try to be patient and loving and let's hope she will calm down and begin to have more realistic expectations.

 
Old 06-23-2006, 10:15 PM   #5
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Re: Now that we've had sex, it may have been a horrible mistake

My sincerest condolences. Your gf sounds very very immature. It also reminds me people who get all miserable on their birthday. It's like "fine, you go ahead an be miserable if you want, that's your choice, but it doesn't have to be that way." It's purely attitude. She's chosen to be miserable about it, and drag you down with her.

She really made a big mistake thinking it would be so great physically. She should have done some research.

Unfortunately, there is not a thing you can do about it now. Just hope she snaps out of it, because it sounds like she is being really annoying. My advice, keep up your brave face and weather it out. Good luck to you.

 
Old 06-23-2006, 10:19 PM   #6
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snice HB User
Re: Now that we've had sex, it may have been a horrible mistake

The first time is always the worst. If terrorist heaven is filled with 72 virgins, then they're getting what they deserve - 72 times the worst sex of their life.

I think your girlfriend just built it up too much in her head. But, believe it or not, she'll probably get more into it and better at it later on.

Try not to be too mad at her. She's confused, relieved, elated, regretful and about 600 other conflicting emotions all rolled into one right now.

Oh and don't be disappointed in yourself either. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the VAST majority of women do not have an orgasm their first time.

And as for the crying thing, I've been there. I've been with different women who cried before, during or after. Half of them couldn't explain why - it just comes with the territory.

 
Old 06-24-2006, 09:55 AM   #7
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redsoxgirl2418 HB Userredsoxgirl2418 HB User
Re: Now that we've had sex, it may have been a horrible mistake

I think that you need to focus on things other than sex until she gets over this funk she's in. Then, when this has blown over, tell her that you want to try again, because you're willing to do anything to please her (as long as you are, in fact, willing to do whatever it takes to please her ). Then go from there.

Lots of people have disappointing first times. Chalk it up to inexperience or what. When I lost my virginity, it was also only the 2nd time my bf had had sex, so we were both pretty much on the same page. It was wonderful, passionate, didn't hurt me, and I will always remember it as an amazing moment in my life. But, now that we've got a year and a half of sex behind us, I know that it certainly wasn't the most mind-blowing, best sex ever. As we've been together and "practiced", it's become that now.

Just do your best to be there for her and try to please her. If she doesn't come around, then I guess you have to ask yourself if there's a bigger reason why.

 
Old 06-24-2006, 10:50 AM   #8
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buck44_22 HB User
Re: Now that we've had sex, it may have been a horrible mistake

I'm happy to report that things have blown over very quickly, that there is a good deal of understanding between us and that we are getting on with our relationship both sexually and otherwise. Thanks for all the advice and best wishes to everyone dealing some issue of importance to them!

 
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