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Old 01-25-2007, 07:24 AM   #1
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AMansMan08 HB User
Problems Staying Hard

I am new to the board, and I need some advice.

I have been with my current girl for about 4 months. Last Sunday night, we were fooling around, and I was VERY hard. [foreplay on her was very lengthy and she eventually reached orgasm but meanwhile, I lost my erection]. This is common between us, but it is equally as common for me to bounce right back and have great sex. This time was different; she tried for 15-20 minutes to get me back in the game, but it was no use. The next morning, I was determined to have great sex. I was hard and everything seemed fine until I put a condom on and started intercourse. I quickly went limp, and I was embarassed to say the least. She was very good about it, but I couldn't think about anything the rest of the day. I tried again Monday afternoon, and intercourse with a condom seemed to be going well. I lost it probably 30 seconds in. Again, I was upset with myself. Tuesday, I decided to take it slow. I had her play with me and herself for a bit; I asked her to just try intercourse for a few minutes without a condom (she is on the nuva ring but we have one week before it is fully effective), and she agreed. It was spectacular, and I had no issues. She later went down on me; then I put on a condom and finished with no issues. This morning, I had problems keeping my erection when I went to put on a condom. I was able to maintain, barely. I finished with less than full force, but it was decent. I don't feel nervous, but all I can think about is losing my erection. Prior to this, I had a girlfriend for 9 months. This NEVER happened. I am in love with this girl and afraid of losing her via lack of performance, though I am sure she isn't nearly as upset as me. I am 22 and overweight, but I have no health problems and I feel great otherwise. Any advice?

Last edited by Mod-S4; 01-25-2007 at 10:33 AM. Reason: TMI. Detailed descriptions are not necessary or allowed.

 
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Old 01-25-2007, 11:45 AM   #2
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worriedguy2005 HB User
Re: Problems Staying Hard

*BUMP* Im curious to see a response. Ive had the same issue (see one of my other posts).

 
Old 01-25-2007, 02:01 PM   #3
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lorelle HB User
Re: Problems Staying Hard

Sorry to hear of the problem. Unfortunately, after this happens a time or two in close succession, it becomes a psychological issue with the man to whom it happens and that increases the chances it will psych him out the next time and cause yet another failure. First, talk to your mate about the problem. She is likely to be very understanding. Unfortunately that is the last thing we men want to do is to talk about a problem that threatens our manhood. But both of you need to agree that it is okay not to go all the way to orgasm each time you get intimate. Agree to just cuddle or kiss or touch for the next few times and then stop there. You will soon be ready to move on again, believe me, and your body will probably be more than ready to perform after this. You have to do something like this to take the pressure and psychological stress off you for the time being to break the no-win cycle of erectile dysfunction. Believe me, a guy who has had this problem is thinking of just one thing when he crawls into bed with his mate the next time and it is "Will I be able to perform this time?" It is important to remember that alot of it is in the mind and a fear of failure, so try what I suggested. Then you don't have to worry about being able to perform if the pressure is off you, since you have agreed that it is okay to not reach orgasm every single time. And that, oddly enough, will help you achieve orgasm.
Also, read my reply to Sweet Thing on down the board under the title
"Sex Drive Slowdown", particularly the parts on diet and stress. These do play a role, too. Also, make sure you are not big into porn. It is a major contributor to the problem you describe.
I wish you success!

 
Old 01-25-2007, 03:24 PM   #4
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AMansMan08 HB User
Re: Problems Staying Hard

Lorelle,

Thanks for the reply. My diet is bad; I won't even beat around the bush there. My life could be considered to be somewhat stressful; I am in law school, and I have a lot on my plate. I have never felt very stressed, and when I have it was during law school finals. I had no performance problems there. It is not uncommon for me to have sex for 1-2 hours without a single issue. I never thought I watched a lot of porn, but I have though about it since you mention it. I watch porn everytime I masturbate. I ususally maturbate one time a day during a relationship even if there is sex 1-2 times a day. I get bored of certain porn and move on quickly. This has never been an issue, even with my last girlfriend of 9 months. I do think this is most likely psychological because I feel fully erect up until I know intercourse is coming. I precum quite a bit too; it has always been like that for me. My current girlfriend is much more attractive, but we always have sex in the dark. I think this might be an issue because I am very visual. I also tried masturbating yesterday, and I did successfully twice without any issue. I am convinced this is pschological. Maybe I should discontinue the use of porn and masturbation; I will try your technique. Thanks in advance; let me know what you think.

 
Old 01-25-2007, 05:08 PM   #5
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lorelle HB User
Re: Problems Staying Hard

I think you have identified the major problem: porn. We guys tend to really be attracted to the stuff, but it does its damage to us in this way: we get used to using it to masturbate and get ourselves going. That's okay until we try to have sex with our mates and find after weeks or months of porn use that we have inadvertantly programmed ourselves (and our sex organs!) to respond to porn, and not to the natural stimulii of lovemaking to another live human being. Our bodies are telling us "What's going on? I'm used to a diet of porn to get going, and you think I'm going to get hot with just a little kissing and cuddling? No way, man! Bring on the porn!"
The good news is that it is easy to turn this around, if you can let off the porn. Gradually your body will de-program itself.
Also be careful how you masturbate. Do not use alot of pressure that can desensitize your penis or make it accoustomed to high pressure. Once again, you program it to expect pressure or whatever in order to reach orgasm. Then, when you have a much softer stimulus from your mate's sex organs, the penis is not stimulated sufficiently and lovemaking loses its magic. Unfortunately, then we often turn to what has worked and that is more porn, and we only dig ourselves into a deeper pit. Try to masturbate thinking of your mate and masturbate with a light touch in a way that simulates the feel of real sex with your mate. You're on the right track--just take a few steps and you'll be up with the best of them again!

 
Old 01-25-2007, 08:11 PM   #6
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KSgirl79 HB User
Re: Problems Staying Hard

Lorelle,

Thank you for your insight. I have been reading some posts trying to figure out my boyfriend's problem. He too will lose his erection pretty fast during intercourse. He has no problem masturbating or if I perform oral or use my hand to get him off. I now wonder if part of it is the pressure sensation you were talking about. Now the dilemma is figuring out how to change his pattern to see if it helps things.

 
Old 01-25-2007, 09:55 PM   #7
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worriedguy2005 HB User
Re: Problems Staying Hard

Quote:
Originally Posted by lorelle View Post
I think you have identified the major problem: porn. We guys tend to really be attracted to the stuff, but it does its damage to us in this way: we get used to using it to masturbate and get ourselves going. That's okay until we try to have sex with our mates and find after weeks or months of porn use that we have inadvertantly programmed ourselves (and our sex organs!) to respond to porn, and not to the natural stimulii of lovemaking to another live human being. Our bodies are telling us "What's going on? I'm used to a diet of porn to get going, and you think I'm going to get hot with just a little kissing and cuddling? No way, man! Bring on the porn!"
The good news is that it is easy to turn this around, if you can let off the porn. Gradually your body will de-program itself.
Also be careful how you masturbate. Do not use alot of pressure that can desensitize your penis or make it accoustomed to high pressure. Once again, you program it to expect pressure or whatever in order to reach orgasm. Then, when you have a much softer stimulus from your mate's sex organs, the penis is not stimulated sufficiently and lovemaking loses its magic. Unfortunately, then we often turn to what has worked and that is more porn, and we only dig ourselves into a deeper pit. Try to masturbate thinking of your mate and masturbate with a light touch in a way that simulates the feel of real sex with your mate. You're on the right track--just take a few steps and you'll be up with the best of them again!
Wow. Just wow. I wish I give you an award for putting it better than I have ever read it ANYWHERE. Ive read where people say 'porn is the problem' and attempted to explain why, but it never hit home.

Im sure youve helped this guy and I KNOW you have probably helped me. It's insightful responses like this that make me really love this board.


Thank you again

ps: I know ya'll probably think Im going off the deep end, but when someone points out the cause of a major problem and a light goes on, its the greatest feeling in the world.

 
Old 01-25-2007, 11:32 PM   #8
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AMansMan08 HB User
Re: Problems Staying Hard

I am not 100% sure this is the problem yet. As I have been using porn without issue for some time. I am fairly certain it isn't physical, which is great. I can get over any mind problem. Lorelle, thanks for all your tips. I'll let you know how it turns out.

 
Old 01-26-2007, 05:08 AM   #9
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lorelle HB User
Re: Problems Staying Hard

Hey, guys, I'm glad I have been able to help. Look, I've been there and know what its like. It makes me feel good to know I've helped a brother out. When you think about it, where can you go other than a board like this for help with a problem like ED. You sure are not going to ask the guys at half-time during the super bowl game for advice about your ED problem and risk getting laughed out of the room. And it isn't exactly easy to talk to your doctor about it either. My reward for the time it took to write up the advice I gave came this morning when I read the post from WorriedGuy2005. Some of this stuff is just basic common sense, and sometimes we just need it put down on paper, I guess. Anyway, do keep us posted. It helps to know what worked and what didn't.

 
Old 01-26-2007, 07:25 PM   #10
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AMansMan08 HB User
Re: Problems Staying Hard

I just wanted to say that things are looking up. I am slowly getting over the fear of losing my erection. Today, I had sex twice in a rom with girlfirend without any issue. Talking to your partner really helps. The transition from foreplay to putting a condom on and having sex was killing me. Now, I have her put it on. I have discontinued the use of porn as well. I'll keep you guys posted as the events this weekend. I hope this is the last of the problem for me. Thanks again!

 
Old 01-29-2007, 10:23 AM   #11
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AMansMan08 HB User
Re: Problems Staying Hard

I just wanted to add that on Sunday I had sex with my girlfirend 4 times in a row without issue. This went on over the span of 3 hours, and each session lasted between 20-30 mins. My problem was totally in my head, and I think it would have been ever tougher to get over without some support. Thanks or the information. I deleted all my porn; I think maybe it was getting out of hand, and I needed something to really break me of it. I am not sure how much of my problem was attributable to it, but the problems is gone now.

 
Old 01-29-2007, 12:20 PM   #12
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Ozzi HB User
Re: Problems Staying Hard

Congrats! My turn to jump the hurdle.

 
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