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Old 03-13-2007, 02:24 PM   #1
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how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

how do you know when to stop asking or talking to them. also how do you know they like you? Do guys play hard to get or is that a sign of disinterest and dislike? I am gay. I am asking guys because I frequently misinterpret body language and comments. Like people say "yes we should hang out" after a night of going to 3rd base...then the person makes no effort to follow through.....

or say I'll go out dancing meet a gay guy then I'll contact him on IM because we liked each other ( I guessed) and then he will only talk about himself and his plans and show no interest in me until I am fuming with annoyance.

I am attractive and have been told that I am above average and very attractive. I dress good. I have plenty of talents. I exercise frequently. I don't do drugs or smoke or drink too much. SO I am confused by all the possible rejection I am facing. Your thoughts. P.S. the town I am in doesn't have a huge amount of gays and therefore I am confused by the lack of interest they (gay people) have in me (SexuallY). It is very painful and confusing for me to go through this.

I feel like the fat pimply girl with nasty BO that nobody wants to dance with or hang out with...seriously it is a horrible situation. I have looked over myself over and over and have planned plastic surgery because I feel so dirty and inferior. I have been to so many counselors and they have not given me any advice. It just feels hopeless.

Last edited by strongernow; 03-13-2007 at 09:00 PM.

 
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Old 03-13-2007, 07:30 PM   #2
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Re: how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

I am so sorry that your lack of self esteem is being hit further by what you perceive as rejection. You mention a few things that tell me that you have various issues that you are torn up about. Firstly, I bet that you do not need to have any surgery, and if you did you would only have the same old problems afterwards. So save your money there. You are in a town with not many gay guys, so I'm afraid that THAT is one reason that not many guys are interested in you!

In terms of meeting guys then chatting online, well I find that the internet is totally differnet to meeting guys face to face - if you do meet and get on well feel free to chat online, but if it did not develop into anything when you met in person then it aint gonna happen online with them! Forget that! Having said that the internet is brill for meeting guys, you can if you are lucky meet that special one (I met my partner of 5 years on a gay dating site) or just meet guys for one night stands which are sex hookups really. Don't expect these to develop into relationships!

What I think you need to do is forget your body, looks, failures, hang ups etc and make a few targets. Say to yourself "In the next 3 to 6 months I am going to meet up with say 5 gay guys, not want or have sex but make friends with them" You will have a lot in common, and making the first step of frendship is a good move. Dont go overboard trying to charm them, just be yourself. If you dont get good vibes then step back, move on.

When you have a few gay friends, guess what? You chat, discuss life art and style, and the latest gay icon! You just have fun, go to the nearest big gay venue, and you prove to yourself that you can meet guys, but not for sex (well sometimes maybe!). Once you have proved you can do this, try stage 2 which is to find a guy to go out with for a few dates. No sex, no chasing on IM (which I'm guessing is putting off the guys who feel a bit like they are being stalked? Sound about right?).

This hopefully will all make you beleive a bit more in what you can do, and how you can be you and be accepted by guys for what you are. The rest will come, it may jsut take a bit of time.

Sorry this is a long post, if you want any more help (if this has helped you) please just ask! Good luck!

Key is, be yourself,

 
Old 03-13-2007, 07:34 PM   #3
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Re: how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

A quick PS
Just cos guys are gay doenst mean that they are into every guy who is gay! Everybody has certain and specific likes and dislikes, maybe some of the guys were just being polite? Or maybe they were straight and flattered that you fancied them?

 
Old 03-13-2007, 08:52 PM   #4
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Re: how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

That is the problem. The men are gay. It is incredibly humiliating to constatly be rejected. I never get a no answer either. I just get the run around. I feel so humiliated and inferior. I would never go after a straight guy. Can you give me examples of what stalking is on IM? What do you mean by no chasing on IM? Simply asking some questions is now considered stalking? I never once mentioned anything perverted or sexual to them over the IM. I can't believe the person would give me the IM just so I could be ignored or treated harshly. Honestly, I was introduced to IM like 8 months ago and see it as a way to converse. I feel humiliated beyond belief.

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Originally Posted by SpunkyStuart View Post
No sex, no chasing on IM (which I'm guessing is putting off the guys who feel a bit like they are being stalked? Sound about right?).

Key is, be yourself,

Last edited by strongernow; 03-13-2007 at 09:26 PM.

 
Old 03-13-2007, 08:54 PM   #5
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Re: how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

Spunky Stuart: You are gay! Great. You can offer more advice. Can you explain how that behavior is polite?? TO me polite is this "I am sorry I am not interested in dating right now. Thanks for the opportunity. Good luck to you"; that is very polite rejection; not, giving me their IM or phone number and then treating me like garbage by talking only about themselves and what they wish to do which doesn't include me (that is very rude and degrading for me). And no, I do not go after straight men. Like I said I only look for gay guys here in town there is a club with gays, and I feel incredbily humiliated, I feel like the fat pimply girl with bad BO that everybody hates....so I am sorry if I sound rude but I don't see how the run around is polite. Thinking about it makes me feel horrible and I blush because I am so humiliated, mostly for getting my hopes up, the other part is feeling unattractive and nasty. I just feel deep inside a radiating digust of myself and self hatred. It feels horrible.

-The other day some gay guy felt sorry for me (after I whined online that I wanted him to come over) and we went out dancing he introduced me to several of his gay friends (that I found to be unattractive) which I let him know that, at the club hinting for me to hook up with them instead (which made me feel like trailer trash) and it made me feel like worthless garbage, then after that he spent the night at my house and went to 3rd base, making out...etc....I drove him home the next afternoon and he barked at me that I wasn't his type. I just feel like a complete piece of trash. I was obviously used and taken advantage of. I just wish the person would say "No thank. Not interested." Instead of dragging me through a painful and damaging ordeal.

- Another problem. A very attractive gay guy was flirting (talking and looking at me) with me at the dance club. He refused to dance with me tho which pist me off and I left to go hang with my friend. Then later he came up to me at the club and got my phone number. He called my cell at the club, then heard my cell message and said he was now placing judgements on me. He also did not call me during the week. Then the following week at the club he has the nerve to come and say hi. I felt like trash AGAIN.

Now by one night stand are you talking strictly about sexual intercourse? And by no relationship do you mean you never see that person again for some sexual fun?...ya know OR can a sex buddy form out of that where you call up every now and then for 3rd base type stuff.

3rd problem - What about the gay guy (he was far less attractive than me and shorter) who says (after going to 3rd base with me) the next day on IM... I don't want to be sex buddies I just want to be friends and then they never talk to you ever again? Isn't that very degrading? I felt degraded. I would have just rather NEVER had the experience. It was so humiliating.


The gay men I've talked to over the IM or by internet messages refuse to want to get to know me. They might contact me also by phone or vice versa, They say "oh you look good" etc...but then remain silent when I want to talk about the hottest actor, music, movies, going to movies, academics, etc.

Basically nobody gave me a chance. They kept me at arms length and never showed any interest in me. I feel like utter complete trash because of this experience. Not only that but it is xtremely difficult to make friends that are supportive and will converse over the phone. I feel incredibly humiliated.
Well you said it best my self esteem is degraded and torched. I feel like a complete nothing. Sometimes I just dream about what it would be like to not exist and I feel so much better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SpunkyStuart View Post
A quick PS
Just cos guys are gay doenst mean that they are into every guy who is gay! Everybody has certain and specific likes and dislikes, maybe some of the guys were just being polite? Or maybe they were straight and flattered that you fancied them?

Last edited by strongernow; 03-13-2007 at 09:38 PM.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 04:50 AM   #6
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Re: how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

Ok I know you feel low right now about this, but maybe I can see why some of these guys back off if you are anything similar with them as you are being here. Sorry, but it needs pointing out.

Refer back to what I said about making friends, adapt it for yourself but give it a go. Dont give attitude, try to be accomodating as friendship is a two way thing.

If you are getting picked up in bars by good looking guys clearly you do not need surgery, unless you are very youthful and that is what they are after. (Just as a matter of interest how old are you?). But if they call you and your voice mail puts them off are they shallow or is your voice mail a bit abrasive? Change it, sorted!

Being gay can be very lonely and you will meet all sorts of shallow guys (generally but not always the good looking ones!) who are only after one thing then will not want to know you - get to know the symptoms and avoid them like the plague as you do not have the strength at the moment to deal with it.

In the UK there are all sorts of gay support groups and if I were you I would look for some of these to see if you can be involved as this is a good way to learn and meet like minded guys.

A final thought - is alcohol or drugs a factor - cos if you are meeting these guys in bars / dance halls etc then maybe they are a bit drunk and of course will act differently when sober.

Also do bear in mind that not everybody thinks like you.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 08:09 AM   #7
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Re: how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

I am confused here? What do you mean? What do you mean don't give "attitude". Just curious about that and what does stalking mean? I am in my early 20s....I hate being treated like a piece of trash in this town. It is like everybody is superior to me. I just don't get it.


[QUOTE=SpunkyStuart;2856913]Ok I know you feel low right now about this, but maybe I can see why some of these guys back off if you are anything similar with them as you are being here. Sorry, but it needs pointing out.

Refer back to what I said about making friends, adapt it for yourself but give it a go. Dont give attitude, try to be accomodating as friendship is a two way thing.

Last edited by strongernow; 03-14-2007 at 09:07 AM.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 12:05 PM   #8
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Re: how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

Its just how I read your posts, they came across very strong and seemed to be with attitude. I wondered if you were like this in real life and this puts the people that you meet off. dont always blame others as it takes two to tango! Take a look at yourself, and wonder if there are things that you see that others dont like??

When I said stalking, I was wondering if you were chatting online to people who maybe gave you their IM address, then you met, then they dicided you were not for them but you still continued to chat to them?? You say yourself that they were one sided conversations, perhaps they were just being polite??

I do not mean to attack you, I only intend to help or suggest based completely on what you put in your posts. I understand your pain, but you do have to let the replies sink in and have a good think about how they might, just might, be relevent to you. Maybe they are not what you want to hear, or they are miles wide of the mark but they are my comments. Maybe it is time for someone else to comment, although I will happily carry on answering iof you wish me to.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 01:05 PM   #9
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Re: how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

**** I looked over your first post about making gay friends. Maybe I need to make it crystal clear and loud and clear that I want to be friends first with them because they nearly always assume I want to have sex with them which isn't even the case. Sex is scary for me considering STDs and emotional ties that go along with it. Those are my genuine feelings. Anyways, keep reading...you will see what I mean.

Hey, I like your posts. They are cool. Yes please keep responding. I do not feel attacked.

What do you mean by strong and with attitude? Strong and attitude sounds positive to me, not bad Below I described how I talk with people I have a crush on or people I like.

I got the IM name in the flesh when at the club on most occasions and the other occasions yes I found them online. But, Oh, hmmm stalking seems extremely harsh of a term.That term is used often in this town. I might occasionally drop a hello or hi how are you hotty once every four or five months for fun (is that stalking?).

Key disagreement is, how is that polite to make a conversation one sided? I think it is extremely rude and is a slap across the face! Also when a person makes an excuse like "I've been busy" instead of saying "I'm not interested" is xtremely confusing for me. I have had friends and people I've dated where we've honestly been busy and then later met up and continued on with the relationships...so it is hard to tell whether the person is really busy or is saying "not interested in you". I'd much rather hear "no thank you. I am not interested in being friends or in dating". I have good friends and relatives who love to only talk of themselves. I sometimes have to jump in and remind them I am still there....they just tend to be selfish and need an occasional reminder.

My problem is that I use direct and assertive communication (That could be a turn off since most people here are passive aggressive)! For example I will be upfront and say "I like you" "Want to hang out sometime?" Want to dance?" or when I reject a person I will say"No not interested but thanks for the offer"....I'll even shake their hand and wish them the best. Or other examples are "you have great eyes" "your hair looks great like that", "what is your major?" "What do you do for fun?" or "cool outfit".(do those sound bad to you?) It probably does to the gay guys here because some have lashed out at me saying "I am not having sex with you" or "we will not have sex" etc....when I did not mention anything about having sex. Keyword I said "your eyes are beautiful" not "I want to have sex" ...there is a huge difference. Of course, then I will rack my brains out explaining to the guy that I am not interested in sex and that I'd just like to talk or meet with the person. Then they keep accusing me and then I get angrier and feel like a worthless person. Then I will call them trash and then they will call me arrogant...before I know it everything is going down hill and there is nothing good to come out of it. At times I think they do that on purpose to make me feel inferior and reject me...which is excruiatingly painful....it is not polite but is painful and is damaging to my self esteem. Your thoughts?

If I don't get compliments back or the person makes an ugly face at me then I tend to get annoyed and sometimes but not always I will put the person down to their face or in other ways...like call them trash or some other degrading term, I'll make an ugly face back and roll my eyes, and then ignore the person....only if the person is being real difficult with me of course.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SpunkyStuart View Post
Its just how I read your posts, they came across very strong and seemed to be with attitude. I wondered if you were like this in real life and this puts the people that you meet off. dont always blame others as it takes two to tango! Take a look at yourself, and wonder if there are things that you see that others dont like??

When I said stalking, I was wondering if you were chatting online to people who maybe gave you their IM address, then you met, then they dicided you were not for them but you still continued to chat to them?? You say yourself that they were one sided conversations, perhaps they were just being polite??

I do not mean to attack you, I only intend to help or suggest based completely on what you put in your posts. I understand your pain, but you do have to let the replies sink in and have a good think about how they might, just might, be relevent to you. Maybe they are not what you want to hear, or they are miles wide of the mark but they are my comments. Maybe it is time for someone else to comment, although I will happily carry on answering iof you wish me to.

Last edited by strongernow; 03-14-2007 at 01:49 PM.

 
Old 03-15-2007, 02:42 AM   #10
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Re: how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

I think in a way you have answered your own question - give your last post a read and see what you think.

Without generalising too much, you have to bear in mind that a lot of gay guys who cruise around gay bars are pretty shallow, and are only after one thing. I think you should condiser not going to these bars, and find other places to meet guys.

"I might occasionally drop a hello or hi how are you hotty once every four or five months for fun (is that stalking?). " Well if the guys thought that you were a one night stand they might not expect a "hello" every few months, and maybe feel if bit "who is he?".

Aloso, being polite is actually in what is not said rather than what is said - I guess these guys are thinking its less rude to say they have been busy (a standard conversation piece) rather than say "oh no not you again!"

"My problem is that I use direct and assertive communication" Well you said it. I dont know you or what you are really like but my guess is this is not working for you at all, and you are coming over as something that you dont want to be. Look at how this works and adapt it accordingly. Guys out for a quiet night out do not want to be harrangued just because someone they did not fancy has a go at them for not fancying them!

"Of course, then I will rack my brains out explaining to the guy that I am not interested in sex and that I'd just like to talk or meet with the person." Dont bother, just walk away.

"Then they keep accusing me and then I get angrier and feel like a worthless person. Then I will call them trash and then they will call me arrogant...before I know it everything is going down hill and there is nothing good to come out of it." You are chasing after something that is not there, forget it and walk away if you have not already done so as above!

"At times I think they do that on purpose to make me feel inferior and reject me...which is excruiatingly painful..." Well if you have let it get to this stage by not recognising that you were on a hiding to nowhere then I'm afraid this would be expected, I know it is tanamount to bullying but they did not ask you to go up to them and argue about why or not they dont want to be with you. Sorry but you need to learn where to get off and recognise that you are on a hiding to nothing.

I will say again, go and find some gay support groups, hopefully away from your normal town, hopefully where you can develop your interpersonal skills, and conversational techniques.

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but it does sound a bit like you are coming over as desperate and no one likes desperate people. I am sure in yourself you are not desperate and are a nice guy - learn to show this side of you and not the other angry pathetic arogant side (ok, maybe a bit harsh, sorry but it is to make a point) that you may not appreciate how badly you are showing to people.

 
Old 03-15-2007, 06:17 AM   #11
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Re: how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

Spunky has some very good advice.

Without sounding judgemental, it seems that you want the others to act like you do....and if they don't, you get all ****** off and consider them rude and in turn treat them rudely....which as you say always ends up going downhill.

There are so many differnt types of people in this world and everyone thinks and behaves differently.......that doesn't make them wrong, just different. What you consider rude......the people ignoring you or not saying what's on their mind directly, others think is the "polite" way.....they might not have the strength for confrontations, and yes to them, that's exactly what being direct and upfront to a person is....a confrontation.

As Spunky says, just kick back, don't worry so much about what they did or didn't say and if the attraction is not obvious, then move on. I also agree to try to meet others outside of the bar scene.

Good luck,
Skarn

 
Old 03-15-2007, 10:36 AM   #12
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Re: how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

Hello,
Thanks guys.
Bar scene is probably very shallow. People do drink a lot here (probably too much for their own good). Like mentioned before I rarely drink and do not do drugs or smoke. It is a college town - did I mention that. Thanks for recognizing that I am not desperate for sex but I do have dependecy needs like anybody else. Eg: making friends, making gay friends, going on dates ,etc. It is very humiliating for people to NOT give me the time of day or a chance. I have many talents including a deep interest in communication (I got accepted into a graduate program of this type that is how much I like it), psychology, composing music, dancing, fitness, etc and rarely does it get acknowledged. People only want to see that I am out for sex which is clearly not true. Most of it are projections of their ideology. If they decided to ask me questions and show an interest in me instead of being prejudice and assuming I only wanted sexual intercourse, and also if they were more patient then they would learn more about who I am. I refuse to take 100% of the blame for any of their rejecting behaviors, disorted perceptions of me, and their passive aggressive behaviors. Like I said before it is difficult to come across as a sex fiend when you don't even mention sex in the messages.

You are saying I come across as desperate? and that is bad. What exact behaviors are desperate (in general)? Sorry but I think it is a very subjective term.

What does the below mean? I am mostly confused with "A hiding to nowhere".

Does somebody accusing you of wanting to have sex mean they don't like you? or saying We will not have sex? not like me? (like I Said I never mentioned that I wanted to have sexual intercourse or have sex. That was their assumption not mine. Oddly enough one of the same guys said that to me and then later he came over for 3rd base type innuendo...very confusing for me. But is that the polite way of saying I don't like you? Like I mentioned passive aggression is very confusing (not wrong) but confusing and annoying for me.

Honestly though, not being direct (being evasive) is passive aggressive. Just look up the term passive aggressive personality and you will see for yourself...it causes a lot of chaos in peoples lives, at work, in relationships, and anywhere you could think of.

Of course I realize people have different ways of communicating but like I said it is a very unclear message when a person is passive aggressive and it can be interpreted in many different ways. Examples: Shyness, bad mood, feeling unworthy, displacement of anger, being too drunk to know any better, etc.. rather than having anything to do with me.

Part I didn't understand from you is....hiding means?
"Well if you have let it get to this stage by not recognising that you were on a hiding to nowhere then I'm afraid this would be expected"

If I think I know what you mean. You are probably right. By the time I am getting very annoyed with the person's accustatory and sometimes beligerent behavior on IM or on the phone etc... I realize that I should not have gone there...possibly seen the warning signs ahead of time, I guess.

Last edited by strongernow; 03-15-2007 at 11:07 AM.

 
Old 03-15-2007, 08:37 PM   #13
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Re: how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

Yeah sorry that is English speak! On a hiding to nowhere means that you stand almost no chance of getting anywhere!

"Of course I realize people have different ways of communicating but like I said it is a very unclear message when a person is passive aggressive and it can be interpreted in many different ways. Examples: Shyness, bad mood, feeling unworthy, displacement of anger, being too drunk to know any better, etc.. rather than having anything to do with me."

I would separate out being too drunk from this example, although I think (and know from experience) that people do act differently when drunk to sober. You have clear definitions of people, but bear in mind that people are very fickle, and might be saying one thing and meaning another. It is so hard to interprete the human being sometimes! (well for me most times!)

I think you need to stop over analysing the whole thing, and become a bit more relaxed about life. Then you will be able to take this in your stride rather than letting it get you down. You clearly know the type of people to avoid, so start avoiding them.

Get on a gay dating site so that you can put a nice gentle but truthful description of yuor self, along with your interests. Try to find a guy or guys who are into the same or similar things to you. That way you should be able to commmunicate on a much more even level, and that way you stand much less chance of being rejected. Of course it still may happen, but accept that you are not going to be liked by everyone just as you dont like everyone!

You can still meet up with less suitable people for sex, that is the nature of the beast, but accept this for being just that - sex, no strings, no IM, no callbacks, no flowers!! Have some fun (safe) but do spend most of your energy trying to develop frinds. I know its hard, I am so lucky to have an extremley stable relationship with my partner of 5+ years, but it was not always like that, I do know where you are coming from as I have actually met guys like you!

 
Old 03-15-2007, 08:39 PM   #14
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Re: how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

"You are saying I come across as desperate? and that is bad. What exact behaviors are desperate (in general)? Sorry but I think it is a very subjective term."

It might be subjective, but at this stage you have to accept that this might apply to you and do something about it fast!

 
Old 03-16-2007, 06:30 AM   #15
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Re: how to know when you are rejected (sexually)?

While you may be 100% correct that being evasive is passive agressive and may cause issues, that doesn't change the fact that many people are just like that! We are all different and while you obviously think it's wrong to be evasive, others feel it's much better than being direct and "rude" in their opinion.

The point is to try and get along with all types without being judgemental. And if there are certain types you absolutely cannot deal with, than as Spunky says, steer clear of them altogether.

Lot's of things are subjective, but the fact is, they are all interpreted differently by different people and even if you are sure your view is the "correct" one, others will disagree. One of the biggest things I've realized in life is that it's all about perceptions. You may know for a fact that you are not desparate, but if other people perceive you as desperate, that's all that matters regardless of the truth!

Good luck,
Skarn

Last edited by Gurv; 03-16-2007 at 06:32 AM.

 
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