I harmed Myself When i was 13....?
Hi guys, I have never told anyone about this and it took alot of willpower to write, so please any adivce is apperciated.
When I was 6, I was able to have orgasms (not abuse, but dont want to go into detail). This lead me to be extremely paranoid about whether or not i messed myself up. When I turned 13 and masturbated for the first time, I managed to orgasm and ejaculate without an erection. I also had a full bladder.
During orgasm, im assuming that the pc muscles holidng in my urine were used to expell semen, and thus i lost control and urinated while ejaculating at the same time. I did the most logical thing at the time, which was the contract my pc muscle as hard as I could to pervent urine from coming out.
My bladder ended up being emptied and I ejaculated. Tthe whole process was somewhat painful. Afterwards, my ejaculations were extremely painful. Every contraction of the PC muscle during ejaculation resulted in pain. My logical explanation is that somehow the nerves were wired to contracting the pc muscle harder since I had "programmed" it during that unfortunate incident.
Since then I 've never had a full orgasms (for fear of pc muscle contracting and not letting go causing extreme pain !!) When i masturated I woudld stop short of orgasm and it would still hurt. this is the same for wet dreams, i never had an orgasm, just close to it and then ejaculation.
Due to this incident, I"ve developed OCD because I was fearing that I "damaged" myself so I ended up taking antidepressants (SSRI, Paxil) which now give me decreased sex drive and the inability to achieve orgasms. The entire activity feels numb, and when I orgasm, it feelsl like that part of my brain is dead. I just feel the beginning of a weak climax and then stop. Ejaculation is back to normal fortunally.
Now my question is, Do you think the problems im experiencing are sides to SSRI and that when I get off, i will slowly heal....or could I somehow have damaged myself when i was younger? What woudl be reason for the painful ejaculations?
THank you for any input