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Old 02-13-2008, 02:06 AM   #1
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Performance anxiety and no sex for past 2 years in r'ship. Help.

My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly six years. We are both in our 30s. For as long as I can remember I have always had performace anxiety regarding sex and often tried to avoid it due to this. (My short term relationships always broke down after a few weeks because of my performance anxiety which preventing me from having sex with girls who I really fancied.)

When I first met my girlfriend she often tried to instigate sex and I made all the excuses I could think of to avoid it. I then surreptitiously starting taking Viagra which worked and we had a reasonable sex life.

After two years my girlfriend stopped taking the pill and I decided to stop taking viagra to avoid becoming dependent on it. Of course my performance anxiety resurfaced and we stopped having sex. I blamed the condom as my excuse.

We last had sex (with viagra) three years ago. Since then we have seen counsellors and completed the Masters and Johnson therapy which involved massaging each other where sex is prohibited so that we could become physically closer. This did not erase my performance anxiety completely. We enjoyed oral sex but my performance anxiety appeared preventing us from penetrative sex (to completion).

I often suggest that we should massage eachother and I get rebuffed by my girlfriend. We are open and frank about sex and she claims that as an intellectual (she is indeed highly intellectual) she has a lower sex drive than most and does not consider sex to be a major part of the relationship.

I am now seeing a clinical psychologist as is my girlfriend to address this issue. I am concerned that my girlfriend has a low sex drive and I am extremely passionate but my performance anxiety overrules my passion and appetite for sex.

I love my girlfriend very much and we have so much in common that I would hate to split up. However I do not feel passionate or lustful towards her and consider her more of a best friend than a (future) lover. I love her but am not in love with her and find myself more attracted to blondes (she is brunette).

However how could I form a new relationship whilst I am suffering from performance anxiety.

Ideally if my girlfriend had a high sex drive she would take the initiative and want to restart some physical activity between us such as suggesting massages, oral sex etc. She does not suggest anything. E.g. during our summer holidays of two weeks I suggest to her that we do some massages but she is not willing.

What should I do?

J

 
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Old 02-13-2008, 08:08 AM   #2
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Re: Performance anxiety and no sex for past 2 years in r'ship. Help.

this is a hard thing to overcome. I can tell you how I did it (no I've never went to a head doctor. I just looked at the problem and came up witha solution).

1) stop masturbating. go cold turkey. wait till you can take it any more (for me it was 3 weeks)
2) stop thinking about the actual act dont think just do (as yoda says dont try do)
3) get a willing partner. This will not be about her its about you and your pleasure. Tahts all you can think about.
4) have sex. if ti doesn't work for penetration do not finish your self off. wait awhile a few hours then try again. ( took me one week ahving sex morning noon and night. by the end of thursday I could barely stand to have underwear on much less walk. Friday morning BOOM I about blew the poor gril through the wall. lol)

The biggest biggest! part is dont think of the act. its not a cerebal thing. its a physical thing. I knwo thats hard to do heck even now if I let myself think about what I'm doing I'm not gonna be able to finish.

I've also found that me trying to be a considerate lover doesn't work for me. yeah massages are nice and being all mister sinsitive but when it comes down do it I want to in control and add fire and passion to the sex.

oh and the her not being a blonde is a copout. I think if you let yoursefl be the dominate man in the sexual situations (which is what I had to learn and figure out) you will slowly overcome your anxiety.

 
Old 02-13-2008, 12:02 PM   #3
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cleansweap HB Usercleansweap HB Usercleansweap HB Usercleansweap HB User
Re: Performance anxiety and no sex for past 2 years in r'ship. Help.

I think it's time for you to move on. Find a new girl! Unless you plan to marry this girl, why are you keeping her? You have know obligations to stay in this relationship. If you don't want to find some one right a way, that's your choice. Don't feel like you're stuck in this situation because you have performance anxiety, move on with your life.

 
Old 02-19-2008, 12:13 AM   #4
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Re: Performance anxiety and no sex for past 2 years in r'ship. Help.

I had a girlfriend like that, I'd be walking around in boxers with a major flag pole and she would tell me, I'm tired or tell me later on, and later on still nothing...
And when we did this, she was always selfish, I'd have to do all the work, she'd wet it..and lay down for me to start....basically routine became boring and more boring, I told her this, I was so bored that sometimes we were doing this and my Penis would shrink, and I'd have to move it my self to get it going again...It's just not her sexual drive that wasn't good is that also, after going at it for so long even ur muscles start hurting, being that she wasn't willing to get up to do other things, the solution was to dump her. I'd say for a relationship to work both partners have to do things to make each other feel happy..not just one of them...since then..I apply 1 simple rule:
"Give to receive"
Any girl that doesn't like it..you try for a while to make their heads...they don't do it, move on.

 
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