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Old 11-30-2008, 05:46 PM   #1
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Husband has NO SEX DRIVE

I'm 33 years old and my husband just turned 33 years old. We just recently celebrated our 1 year anniversary. In the beginning stages we had intercourse all the time. 3-4 times a week. And it was grrreat! Ever since we got married he could care less if we have sex. He says he's attracted to me but he just doesn't want to have sex. I'm very fit and healthy and so is he. It's taking a toll on me emotionally and physically. I've tried everything from suprising him in sexy lingerie, foreplay in bed and he always makes up excuses that he's tired or he has something better to do. He assures me he's not cheating, he assures me it's not me and it's all HIM. He doesn't understand why he feels this way. What do I do?

 
Old 11-30-2008, 06:46 PM   #2
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Re: Husband has NO SEX DRIVE

You know, this is a common topic, and always very painful for the women. We grow up with all the media implying that men are always thinking, seeking, or trying to have sex. It turns out that reality ( as usual ) is the opposite.

Many of our dear men do not have the 24/7 sex drive that we all anticipate, especially when we sign a lifetime contract with them. Often times men are quite concerned with their performance, which is a huge pressure for men to bear.

When a woman feels un-sexy or un-wanted sexually, it really is confusing. When men feel they are not living up to their manly duties, it's often a recipe for disaster for both partners.

I dont have an answer for any of this. I wish I did. If anything, I guess we have to learn to be much more understanding, patient, and practice pure un-selfish love.

 
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Old 11-30-2008, 07:33 PM   #3
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Re: Husband has NO SEX DRIVE

I don't mean to freak you out, but there is no such thing as a man with NO sex drive. I can't remember a time when I didn't have one. If I could have sex every night, I would make it happen. Usually my wife is the tired one. Sure, I am tired, but that's maybe one night out of many, it sounds like it's happening a lot more than once in awhile for you. My guess is he is cheating on you. If you have only been married for a year, you should still be in that "honeymoon stage". Do you have other issues in your marriage? Usually sex is only a small portion of what is really going on. Do you have problems with trust, money & spending, family, priorities??? Obviously there is a problem where communication is concerned as you are here seeking advice rather than telling him this is a real concern of yours. You should talk and if things don't get better, seek a marriage counselor. Is he on a depression medication? Sometimes that decreases libido. If you are both young and fit as you say and you have even tried lingerie without success, there must be a further underlying issue. He may be seeking outside "companionship" if you are having other issues in your marriage. I love my wife, but there are often times I feel empty for whatever reason (some of them I mentioned above) and have wanted to seek other women for sexual gratification, but I've also been married to my wife for 8 years. This shouldn't be happening after 1 year.

 
Old 12-01-2008, 07:08 AM   #4
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Re: Husband has NO SEX DRIVE

There are men with no sex drive. Just because one person has always had a high sex drive doesn't mean that every man has a high sex drive. I have always had a high sex drive too, except when my testosterone was very low earlier this year before I started on testosterone replacement. To say that it means he is cheating is ridiculous, so don't start thinking that is the case. It could be, but it is not likely. I have a friend who’s husband had little desire for sex or affection for many years and she had no reason to think that he was cheating and very likely wasn’t.

Everyone is different and there have been many cases on healthboards and other boards that I read where women of all ages complain that their partners have a lower sex drive than they do. It is not the norm, but it does happen more than we think.

There are a number of things that can decrease both libido and performance in men. One is certain medications, like anti-depressants and some high blood pressure medications. Another is stress, which can lower testosterone production. If he is stressed at work or because of financial problems then that could lower his testosterone production. Perhaps he should see a doctor to have his hormones checked.

 
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Old 12-01-2008, 11:31 AM   #5
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Re: Husband has NO SEX DRIVE

As much good as these boards do, it's a real shame when someone posts amateur psychological advice as was posted below. To say, "my guess is he's cheating on you" to someone who's come here seeking advice is just inapropriate, if not cruel.

As whytry said, there are numerous reasons your husband could have low libido - no sane person is going to accuse him of cheating without knowing more, like what his hormones are up to, stress, mental issues, etc., etc.

Don't automatically assume it has anything to do with you or that he's cheating. Just communicate as best you can and encourage him to do the same, and maybe see a doc for a good physical (including a hormone workup).

Good luck,
Eisenhower

 
Old 12-01-2008, 11:35 AM   #6
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Re: Husband has NO SEX DRIVE


I very much agree with Eisenhower, that's a good way to damage a marriage, without proof.

 
Old 12-01-2008, 02:30 PM   #7
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Re: Husband has NO SEX DRIVE

It was terribly irresponsible of someone to post that there is no such thing as a male without a sex drive. I hope you will ignore that post in favor of all of the others.

As mentioned, there are many reasons why a man could temporarily lose his sex drive/desire. All of them could be related to issues other than your attractiveness and his love for you. I would advise you to lay low for a time (in the bedroom) while advertising your willingness to discuss the situation.

 
Old 12-01-2008, 04:04 PM   #8
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Re: Husband has NO SEX DRIVE

Okay, since many of you think I'm a terrible person for posting what I posted, let me clarify some things. I never said men couldn't have a LOW sex drive, I said NO sex drive. Big difference there. It's very rare for a person to have NO sex drive, especially at 33 years old. I am only speaking from experience as far as the cheating is concerned. From what she wrote, she said they were healthy and until recently had a normal sex life, so it's stupid to NOT even consider cheating being a possibility. I'm just putting that out there, because it would be stupid to think that there isn't a chance. Maybe it was too blunt to say he IS cheating, I'll agree with that, but again, just speaking from my own experiences. I also mentioned that there might be other reasons, hence the follow-up questions I asked her. I'm not cold-hearted, just realistic. Sorry if I torqued anyone off, just giving my opinion.

 
Old 12-01-2008, 04:16 PM   #9
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Re: Husband has NO SEX DRIVE

First thing he does is start with a physical to see if there is anything wrong. Doctor should be informed that it/the physical is for a lack of sex drive. If the general doc doesn't find anything then he should go to a Urologist. I find that his lack of interest in wanting to find out why he doesn't have a sex drive puzzling. Don't you find it odd that a young man just married lost his sex drive and isn't worried or looking for a reason? Perhaps he isn't having an affair with a women...but if he is showing such a lack of interest in his female wife and it doesn't bother him perhaps you are just a cover for what he is more interested in...another man? There is something wrong and it is odd that he isn't desperate to discover what is wrong. Did you ask him why he married you if he wasn't interest in sex? Good luck and I am sorry he has pulled a bait and switch on you...that wasn't fair. You might have to consider moving on...you are too young to give up on such a basic emotion.

 
Old 12-01-2008, 06:33 PM   #10
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Re: Husband has NO SEX DRIVE

I know that I had no interest in sex and didn't even care that I didn't for a short while this past spring. I started to show most of the signs of low testosterone over a 8 month period. I started to take DHEA and it helped my mood and depression a lot and my sex drive some too. When I had my annual physical this spring, I told my doctor about my symptoms and he checked my testosterone, in addition to my normal annual tests. It was low, but he told me that my DHEA was too high and to stop taking it. We were on vacation when the results arrived, so I could not start the Androgel for about 10 days. After 4 days off of the DHEA. my sex drive and depression hit a real low. I had NO interest in sex and didn't even care. I got some information on DHEA levels and discovered that it was high for a 60 year old, but normal for a man in his 20s and 30s. I called my doc and explained this and he told me to restart the DHEA. I did and I felt better in 3 or 4 days. I then started the Androgel when we returned from vacation.

I am telling this long story because when I was very low on testosterone and DHEA, I not only had NO interest in sex, but I didn't even really care. It was my knowing what the problem was that made me realize that something was wrong, or else I might not have even wanted to do anything about it. Other men have written about this, and so have women, both on this board and others that I read.

A lot of people don't realize that men and women have all of the same hormones, but in different ratios and amounts. If we allow hormones to get out of balance too far then we sometimes are too depressed to even care that something is wrong.

I am not saying that [your] husband has low testosterone, but it is possible, as there are even cases of men in their 20s with this problem. To start to think that he is having an affair or is gay before even knowing if there is a medical problem is not the most intelligent place to start looking.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 12-01-2008 at 11:22 PM. Reason: Please address the original poster. Thanks.

 
Old 12-02-2008, 10:05 AM   #11
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Re: Husband has NO SEX DRIVE

i have the same problem with my girlfriend.

do you think she could have the same problem, maybe low estrogen ? (or the female equivalent Not to sure on what it is.)

Anyway back you you're problem. I also have had no libido, for maybe a month or so, where i was really stressy and depressed. that i felt like doing none of that sort of stuff.

You should really talk to him to find out if anything like that is bothering him.

 
Old 12-02-2008, 03:33 PM   #12
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Re: Husband has NO SEX DRIVE

Although I am aware that there could be underlying heath reasons for your husband's low libido, I tend to think along the lines of cjadams, and that is, that I would be highly suspicious of a 33-year-old male who had a normal sex drive a few months earlier and then suddenly has no drive any longer. Let me suggest that he may be finding an outlet for his sexual drive by something less disturbing than an extramarital affair. He could be finding release through masturbation, or a combination of that and internet porn. These are very common among men, and can affect their libido. Another less likely, non-health reason has already been mentioned, and it is common nowadays: that is that he is lacking in attraction to the opposite sex.
Like cjadams I find it very hard to believe any man of this age is not gettting an outlet for his sex drive somehow. Looking back to that age, I cannot conceive of not having some type of sexual release in response to the male sex drive that has to be present, unless, in the unlikelyhood that there is a health problem. But where was this health problem in the earlier days of the marriage? Very suspicious.
If I were you I would be alert to any of the causes that have been mentioned, without confronting him. Confrontation will only serve to exacerbate the problem. You may be able to gain insight into the cause of the problem by watchful observation and then be able to deal with it. I tend to think that your husband is telling the truth when he says that you are not the problem, so don't let that upset you.

 
Old 12-02-2008, 06:01 PM   #13
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Re: Husband has NO SEX DRIVE

I agree that it's very strange that he's only 33 and has not a care in the world that he apparently has no sex drive. That's very strange. Typically, a man that age would be concerned about such a development. Unless there was something going on that you didn't know about, that has gotten worse.

It could quite literally be anything. Maybe he has developed some kind of performance issue and he's embarrassed? For a guy, typically, their virility is really important, and if they feel like they can't perform, it really kills their self esteem in a big way. Maybe it's just easier for him to be in denial than to deal with it?

In any case, I think you should sit down with him and have a talk about it. Don't be accusing or attacking about it. Just be kind and patient and concerned and let him know that it matters to you and that you want to help him work it out. I think that, if you approach this the right way, you may be able to help him work through it.

 
Old 12-02-2008, 06:55 PM   #14
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Re: Husband has NO SEX DRIVE

I agree cheating was the first thing that came to my mind because my spouse had cheated on me at age 35. I'm not saying that if the sex stops that is automatically the reason, but please do not be naieve either. Have your husband go to his family physician or a urologist. He truly may just need some help in the testosterone department. There are gel applications (Testim) and that helps with the levels. Communication is another thing that is a MUST regardless of what is happening in the bedroom or not happening. Always trust your instincts.

 
Old 12-03-2008, 02:25 PM   #15
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Re: Husband has NO SEX DRIVE

the sad thing is....I've sat down with him SEVERAL times and I've shared w/ him how I feel about his loss of interest having sex with me. And he keeps on reassuring me it's NOT ME and there's NO one else and he'll work on it. Okay, I've been patient and I've asked him for his honesty and he keeps on telling me he's sorry over and over and over! Well, I've been patient and as understanding as possible! But I've at my last straw being patient with him for over a year! You shouldn't have to WORK on wanting to have sex with your wife when we're both in our EARLY 30's and I'm very fit, outgoing, and I'm everything any husband would love (according to my husband). I'm at the point where I've thought about having an affair. But I love him tooo much to even go there. Like I said there's been times when I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT. Never acted upon it. the only reason I"ve thought about it because I'm CRAVING sex!

 
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