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Old 02-14-2009, 03:12 PM   #1
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Unhappy Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

I was VERY sexually unappealing until I was about 21 years old (I just turned 24 in Jan.), at which point my skin cleared up, my facial structure matured, and I gained a 15 or 20 lbs. of lean mass – all of which happened in the space of about a month. Due to this, no one was interested in having a sexual relationship with me until I was 21 years old, so I did not develop sexually at the same time as my peers. Since then, I have had several sexual relationships, but all have ended very quickly after we started having sex because I am rather sexually awkward, I ejaculate WELL before my partner is able to have an orgasm, and I cannot satisfy her sexually. Additionally, due to the personal nature of my problem, it is not possible to disclose anything about it until I have been dating someone for a while, and I am already somewhat attached. This is a problem because I am very intelligent, ambitious, caring, funny, generous, charismatic (characteristics I developed out of necessity when I was ugly) and good-looking – so the women I date assume that I have always been sexually desirable, and are very surprised (that’s an understatement) when they find out that I have the sexual skill of a 17 year old boy, not a 24 year old man. The general pattern that all of my sexual relationships have followed is that I meet someone I like, we date for a little while, I tell her about my issue and she is extremely surprised but she says that it’s OK, we have sex a few times (3 or 4 at most), and then my partner apologizes, says she just wasn’t expecting me to be so sexually inexperienced when we started dating, and that she wants a more experienced, skilled lover. I think that it is important to note that I am only interested in a casual relationship, as my career path is not going to be accommodating to a long-term relationship for a few years yet, and, as I am sure you are aware, women are interested in a different set of attributes in a casual relationship than they are in a long-term relationship. I recognize that I have a greater chance of success in a long-term relationship than a casual relationship, but that just isn’t an option for a few years. I have tried everything possible by myself that my therapist and I could think of (start-stop, etc.), but it only works when I’m by myself, as soon as another person is involved it doesn’t help. I have been EXTREMELY unhappy for my entire adolescent and adult life because I have always desperately wanted to be a normal, sexual being and I’ve thus far I have completely and utterly failed to achieve that goal (the only of my major life goals at which I have ever failed), which came to a head this November when I was hospitalized for being suicidal. Despite mood stabilizers, I absolutely cannot wait much longer – much less wait for another few years until I am ready for a long-term relationship – to become regularly sexually active, because I just don’t have any desire to live anymore in my current situation. So my questions (finally) are as follows: What is the best way to gain sexual experience with another person when one does not have a willing partner? Also, what is your opinion on Surrogate Partner Therapy?

 
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Old 02-14-2009, 04:36 PM   #2
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Re: Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

If you are only trying for women who also want nothing but casual relationships, then you may have some difficulties. In other words, if you only try to date women who live in the fast lane, then you can expect to have some problems coming up to speed.

If premature ejaculation is your problem, masturbate a few times before you have a date when you expect there might be sex. But, as you know, skills take a while to develop. Try to concentrate on giving her oral - good oral sex will help her overlook other problems. Never start intercourse until you have gotten her off orally! Again, good oral skills can take a while to learn, but if you ask her what she likes, it will help. There are books and web sites on how to give a woman oral, so check those out.

There is no reason to want to kill yourself over this! But, maybe try to find women who aren't in the fast lane. Slow it down.

 
Old 02-15-2009, 01:51 AM   #3
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Re: Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

hey buddy, just because you think you are off to a late start does not mean you are necessarily behind in the race... I've known guys who began their "conditioning" at young ages and and pushing their 30's who think the same sex you recognize as awkward, is how its supposed to happen. Let me tell you, there are very VERY few Casanovas out there and the fact that you think you should be doing more makes you already more experienced that a lot of dudes I know in general....

Stamina takes practice, you can start with yourself, when your alone with yourself, try and practice this...

In the mean time, while your with a chick, know that chicks have started to have sex beofre you ever penetrate her... Take advantage of this a fine tune your other skills at getting them off, (Girls love, LOVE LLOOVVEE so see a guy getting turned on by doing things to her body, it makes them feel special and is stimulating mentally as well as physically) so one you finish her or atleast make a good attempt, you can finish at your pace, guilt free.

 
Old 02-15-2009, 08:47 AM   #4
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Re: Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

Thank you very much for the replies. There are three things I would like to add to paint a more complete picture of myself and my situation.

1. [DELETED]

2. None of the women I've dated have allowed me to perform oral sex on them, they have all said that it is too intimate and they wanted to wait for a while. By the way, is that normal?

3. I understand that there are very few Cassanovas out there, but I am an EXTREMELY intense, driven person, and I am exceptional in every facet of my life at which I have chosen to be (music, athletics, academia, business, etc.) except this one. People in my profession cannot make very many mistakes, and I generally don't allow myself to make any mistakes, so I have a very hard time accepting my lack of sexual proficiency.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 02-15-2009 at 10:56 AM. Reason: Discussion of illegal activities is not allowed.

 
Old 02-15-2009, 02:18 PM   #5
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Re: Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

You have a strong ego. At some point, you will realize that you can't master sex, without a few failures and defeats along the way. They are absolutely inevitable, and no man escapes them. This is how anyone learns anything....more from the failures than the successes. The sooner you come to terms with this, the most adaptable you will be, and that is what is needed to get out of this situation. Best of luck with it.

 
Old 02-16-2009, 09:12 AM   #6
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Re: Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

Are you a surgeon or pretending to be? That's a profession where mistakes usually can't be made, but even surgeons can't get rid of them, can they? While I understand that your path career, whatever it is, is very demanding, I consider it to be a half-lame excuse to say it can't accommodate a more serious relationship. Don't get me wrong, but it almost sounds as if you were somewhat afraid of women or didn't much enjoy their company, which is something absolutely common and usual for younger people like you, as if women could emasculate you. Older immature men can also fear or dislike women, but that's another story.

I say this because, to me, that's where your problem lies. It's impossible to gain sexual experience without a partner, much as it's impossible to learn to cook if you refuse to go into the kitchen. You can learn the theory, but of course that's barely half of the course. And - here's the crux - it's better to learn with and from a stable sexual partner than with and from a multitude. Not only a multitude of partners may lead into a promiscuous lifestyle, but also you don't create a bond. It's much like learning a foreign language from various different teachers. It may appear a faster way, but in the long run it may confuse you. If you have only one teacher, it may take longer, but having the chance of creating a bond, the acquisition will be more profound.

Think about this. Approach women as another human beings (just like you and me) and not machines from which you could pick lessons of performance.

 
Old 02-16-2009, 02:38 PM   #7
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Re: Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

wow. well said.

 
Old 02-19-2009, 06:58 PM   #8
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Re: Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

Surrogate therapy might be a good idea for you. Or maybe an older woman who wants someone young and enthusiastic who she can teach.

Re your question about oral sex - yes it's an intimate thing - not something a lot of women do casually.

 
Old 02-19-2009, 07:27 PM   #9
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Re: Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

Hey Hux,

You have got some good advice from these guys, I just want to add the more you worry about it the worse the problem seems to get. You need to reprogram your brain to get rid of the anxiety, you need to relax more. You have to practice to gain more experience. Everyone goes through the same thing, don't listen to mates bragging about how long they go because it's generally untrue. Do lots of stroking kissing and forplay before jumping straight in.

And even if you do ejaculate early you don't have to stop, keep kissing and touching asking her what feels good until you get another erection. I have done this a few times and the second time around always last longer than the first. I've even given massages in between to buy myself time.

Condoms help to they take away some of the sensitivity and also protect you from unwanted sti's. Casual sex always runs that risk.

 
Old 02-21-2009, 05:34 PM   #10
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Re: Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

Try orally stimulating her until she gets off. Then have sex... If you please her first she won't care how long it takes you to get off.

 
Old 03-05-2009, 04:06 PM   #11
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Re: Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
Are you a surgeon or pretending to be?
No. I am only 24, I would still be in school if I wanted to be a surgeon. I tried to give a little background about my profession (as well as my passion and raison d’être) in post #4, but it was deleted. I'm afraid I cannot disclose any details regarding exactly what I do, but I can disclose the aspects of my profession which preclude a serious relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
While I understand that your path career, whatever it is, is very demanding, I consider it to be a half-lame excuse to say it can't accommodate a more serious relationship.
It is not a half-lame excuse. While I love my profession and feel that it has many very positive aspects, it also, regrettably, has a few very negative aspects. One of which is that it is unsafe to enter into a romantic relationship wherein there exists a reasonable chance that one's significant other will gain access to and/or make inferences regarding extremely sensitive private business information. This is generally not a serious problem so long as the relationship is going well, but if the relationship does not end well, there may be EXTREMELY serious repercussions, well beyond just a bad break-up. That is not a half-lame excuse, it is a very serious reality that I would be incredibly foolish to ignore.

Another negative aspect of my profession that makes long-term relationships difficult is that it requires that I split my time relatively equally between several different cities within a given state -- and that I move to a different state every 12 - 18 months.

I currently plan to eliminate both of these problems within the next 2 years or so. I'm going to settle down in my favorite state in the Fall of 2010 or Spring of 2011 and stop moving so frequently. Additionally, I'm going to significantly alter my professional life so as to allow for more openness and honesty with everyone in my life.

However, until I have done so, I still need to be a normal, sexually-active adult. I cannot wait any longer. I'm not making excuses -- I'm actually dealing with a very vexing problem that is going to require some non-traditional methods to solve, due to my unusual life circumstances. I assure you, I neither fear nor dislike women -- as it happens, I would love more than almost anything to have a girlfriend, it has been an unrealized goal of mine since Junior High -- I fear and dislike having extremely sensitive business information leaked to unauthorized entities, so having a serious relationship is an unacceptable risk at this time.

Finally, I recognize that it is impossible to gain sexual experience without a partner. But, if I may borrow pendulum's metaphor, the reason I haven't learned to cook is not because I refuse to go into the kitchen, it is because no chef is willing to give me more than a few lessons after they discover that I am a grossly incompetent cook. The purpose of my post was not to discover how to get inside the kitchen (I happen to be pretty good at that), but to discover how to convince a chef to be willing to give me more than a few lessons. Being the businessman and cynic that I am, I feel that that most likely the only viable answer will be "cash," but I insist upon considering all options. Hence my asking the members of this forum to assist me with generating some creative, outside-the-box solutions to my problem, in addition to general opinions and feedback regarding professional surrogates.

If you have something constructive to say, please feel free to respond. But if you are simply going to tell me that I am making excuses, afraid of women, or some other similarly unhelpful input, don't waste you time or mine. That being said, I appreciate all of the constructive responses very much.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trixibel View Post
Surrogate therapy might be a good idea for you. Or maybe an older woman who wants someone young and enthusiastic who she can teach.
Both of these ideas occurred to me as well. The sticking point on the latter was meeting someone who fit the bill. I attempted to use some adult dating websites, and none of the women I met seemed interested in teaching much of anything; their general response was along the lines of "I want a lover, not a student."

Do you think this response is typical?

How common/uncommon do you think it is for an older woman to want someone young and enthusiastic she can teach?

If it's not that uncommon, how might one go about meeting these women?

I may have to reexamine this option. If it isn't particularly uncommon, this is likely another viable option for me, as I am certainly both young and enthusiastic (and physically-fit, good-looking, funny, charming, and wealthy).

Last edited by HuxleyGreen; 03-05-2009 at 04:42 PM.

 
Old 03-05-2009, 06:32 PM   #12
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Re: Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

I really hesitate to mention this, but if you have the monetary means and you travel, go to Nevada and spend time in a legal brothel. You can most likely find a woman who will be anxious to help you learn the theory. You can probably see the same woman multiple times over several days and I am sure she could teach you most of the mechanics of sex that you would need to know. Again, this is perfectly legal, though one could argue the moral aspects. (Though casual sex with strangers you meet in a bar has some morality issues too.)

 
Old 03-06-2009, 10:00 AM   #13
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Re: Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

Have you ever considered not sharing the sensitive business details with a girlfriend?
Then, you wouldn't have to worry about business repercussions, if there is an ugly breakup.

 
Old 03-06-2009, 10:46 AM   #14
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Re: Gaining Sexual Experience Without a Partner

Quote:
Originally Posted by HuxleyGreen View Post
...

If you have something constructive to say, please feel free to respond. But if you are simply going to tell me that I am making excuses, afraid of women, or some other similarly unhelpful input, don't waste you time or mine. That being said, I appreciate all of the constructive responses very much.

...
I thought I was putting forward a constructive response or at least a tentatively constructive proposition, but I was possibly wrong for you.

Anyway, I don't think I have wasted my time writing my piece. It was not a purely rhetorical exercise. I was indeed very focused on my writing while I was doing it. I wish it had struck at least a minor cord with you, but again it's alright that you don't appreciate it. You can't be hitting nails on their heads all the time.

If I may ask something of you, this is it: don't feel offended by any of my speculative words. I was not asserting the final truth about your motivations, but rather I was thinking aloud about what could have led you to ask something that sounded to me quite paradoxical.

To me, at least, sex has untangible qualities that can't be mastered without a full participation of your psycho-soma (your whole being), but it took me almost a lifetime to realize this.

Best of luck with your endeavours, purely physical as they may be.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 03-06-2009 at 01:19 PM.

 
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