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Old 05-04-2009, 04:10 PM   #1
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Relationship advice needed - wife doesn't seem to like sex and won't try anything new

Hi,

I'm 31 years old, my wife is 28. We've been married for 10 months, but have been together for over 10 years and have a (almost) 4 year old child.

Although we're happily married, the one thing that is constantly getting to me is the fact that my wife will not try anything "new" with regards sex, and doesn't seem to like having sex at all (not often anyway). Before we started trying for our first child we would probably have sex once every couple of weeks at the most (sometimes it would be more like once a month), but then when we started trying for a child this increased to maybe once or twice a week. However, since our daughter was born this has gone back to once or twice per month.

One of the things that gets me most is that when we do have sex, it always seems to be because I'm getting frustrated from trying so much and being knocked back so she feels she has to, she hardly ever makes the first move (she's only started doing this occasionally since I challenged her about it). She always had different reasons, from headaches to just being tired or "just not wanting to". Thats fine, I don't expect her to always want sex, but sometimes would be nice. I've tried talking to her about it, but she always seems to take offense to it, or sometimes responds with "oh come on then!!". Wow, that makes me feel great about myself! I always say "no, its ok" at that point as I don't want to force her into anything.

Ever since we've been together, when we do have sex it's almost always been the same, with the only variation being who is on top. There was a phase where she wouldn't allow me to perform oral on her, although I could understand that as it was for a couple of years after our daughter was born, though she will let me do this (and enjoys it) now. However, if I even mention the idea of her performing oral on me she just says "Yuk" and looks at me as if I'm some sort of pervert. I don't want to make her feel forced into doing anything, but at the same time I just wish she would just give it a try, even just the once. She won't even kiss below the neck. I've mentioned that we could use flavoured condoms, but again she just thinks I'm being disgusting and rejects the idea completely. She won't even shower with me, we've got two separate showers in the same room (one over the bath and one as a separate cubicle), and she'll shower at the same time as me if separately (so isn't concerned about me seeing here naked), but not together. She says its because she doesn't like it when my hands go "wrinkly" when wet, but I just feel that its something else, she just won't say.

Occasionally I'll get a bit paranoid and wonder whether she's got someone else for sex. What doesn't help here is that a couple of condoms I had in my bedside cabinet have vanished. They're probably hidden away somewhere, or they've maybe even been thrown out as she doesn't like them and we haven't used them for ages, but when I jokingly challenged her about their whereabouts this morning (saying something like "oh yeah, and where have those condoms gone"), she just started saying "that would be telling" and wouldn't tell me. If she had just said "I've thrown them out" I would have believed her, but the fact that she just didn't seem to want to say anything (or didn't seem to know what to say) made me more paranoid. I'm 90% certain she's hasn't got somebody else, but it keeps playing on my mind and this has just added to it.

As I said earlier, apart from the issue of sex always being the same and not very often, I'm very happy in my relationship with my wife, and I certainly couldn't bare to be away from my daughter. But I just can't understand why my wife seems so repulsed by sex and the idea of trying anything different. When I got a book on "better sex", she again seemed to think I was some sort of pervert for reading it and trying to show her different positions and now the book has gone missing and she won't tell me where it is.

I don't feel I can talk about this with anyone, hence I'm posting on here and hoping someone can give me some advice. Am I in the wrong for thinking like this (I often feel I am and feel guilty about it)? How can I go about talking to my wife about this when she always seems to think I'm disgusting for it? Has anyone been in this situation and managed to talk to their partners about it to get some sort of resolution?

I would really appreciate any advice, even if its to call me all the names under the sun if you think I'm in the wrong, at least I'll know

 
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Old 05-04-2009, 06:06 PM   #2
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Re: Relationship advice needed - wife doesn't seem to like sex and won't try anything

I won't call u every name under the sun...was thinking about a pat on the back? I gotta hand it to u..the fact that u haven't gone elsewhere for your needs should give u a few points. Why is it that u have been with her for 10 yrs but she has a problem with oral?? Was she always that way? If u are willing for her, she should return the favor. Sounds like sex has become a chore for her, or she just isn't interested period. Do u ever get to spend time alone together? Do u go out on "dates"? I know with kids life can become all about them at times. Don't forget about your relationship with her. You are still husband and wife, and that came before the child. Sex is a very big part of a marriage. If it isn't there, one or the other will go looking elsewhere.

 
Old 05-04-2009, 09:03 PM   #3
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Re: Relationship advice needed - wife doesn't seem to like sex and won't try anything

Sounds to me like she was raised to believe that sex is dirty. Do you know much about her childhood?

 
Old 05-05-2009, 05:37 AM   #4
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Re: Relationship advice needed - wife doesn't seem to like sex and won't try anything

Thanks for the replies.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tcp307 View Post
I won't call u every name under the sun...was thinking about a pat on the back? I gotta hand it to u..the fact that u haven't gone elsewhere for your needs should give u a few points. Why is it that u have been with her for 10 yrs but she has a problem with oral?? Was she always that way? If u are willing for her, she should return the favor. Sounds like sex has become a chore for her, or she just isn't interested period. Do u ever get to spend time alone together? Do u go out on "dates"? I know with kids life can become all about them at times. Don't forget about your relationship with her. You are still husband and wife, and that came before the child. Sex is a very big part of a marriage. If it isn't there, one or the other will go looking elsewhere.
She has always had a problem with it, but i don't know why as she won't really talk about it. I used to give her a little nudge in that direction but she would just say "no". We do get time on our own occasionally, such as this weekend my parents looked after our daughter, but it doesn't make much difference. We went for a meal on sunday but she just wanted to sleep when we got back (though to be fair it had been a long day).

To be honest i have worried about whether i could say no if offered it elsewhere, i would like to think i would say no but am not that sure anymore.

With regards to her seeing it as a chore i did suggest it recently and it didn't go down too well. I also asked through frustration if she puts it in her diary when she is happy to have sex as its always a case of "i will tonight" or "tomorrow".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Choice View Post
Sounds to me like she was raised to believe that sex is dirty. Do you know much about her childhood?
To be honest i can't see that being the case here, the way her mum talks i have a feeling she would be up for anything. Her parents are divorced, her father is re-married and her mum has had several blokes since (and doesn't mind keeping it quiet what she gets up to). I was told by my dad that when we were at her house a few years ago for a house warming party my dad overheard her telling two young men at the door to "come back later", he could tell what was going on Maybe the way her mum is has an affect on my wife. Another thing is that her mum has a habit of trying to plant negative ideas in the mind, such as that when i'm away with work i'm probably with someone else etc. and i can't help but think that may also have an impact.

 
Old 05-05-2009, 06:42 AM   #5
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Re: Relationship advice needed - wife doesn't seem to like sex and won't try anything

Well, I don't know how I can help you; nevertheless something urges me to post here.

My impression is that there is something mysterious about this relationship. She could be living in a different planet from you, I don't know. Has she got female friends? Does she go out to meet them or what? I think this would be important for her.

Also important is the amount of time you spend with her. I don't mean time for sex. I mean time for dating, talking about trivia, making her laugh, going out, shopping, doing the chores together, doing some sort of physical activity together (dancing, maybe).

As for the sex... well, I usually follow a rule, although it is not too rigid. I never tell a woman what to do in bed. I always expect her to tell me what to do, instead. I may take an initiative, but if she doesn't want it, I will stop. Not every woman likes fellatio (you must respect this and not insist), but many enjoy cunnilungus a lot. Be patient.

Try to reach her through other ways than sex, and maybe in the end she will open up to a more frequent sexual life.

 
Old 05-05-2009, 01:01 PM   #6
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Re: Relationship advice needed - wife doesn't seem to like sex and won't try anything

Have you heard of post-pardom depression? This is usually had by women during, and after the baby is born. They have know time or sexual desire for their husbands, and in really bad cases, some don't even want their babies. My wife went thru this! She nor I knew what it was until maybe after the baby was a year old. It wasn't so much the sex, but the baby. She didn't want anything to do with it at times. If you wife is going thru this, she would have to go to the doctor to be diagnost. Of course from what you are saying she most likely wouldn't go. To help solve your problem, your wife needs a close friend (girl friend) that she can talk to in confidence. As for now, you could try holding out until she ask you! I would give it a couple of weeks maybe. Some women feel that sex should be for the purpose of conceiving, and after that's done, they really could care less if they have sex again. Some men feel that way as well.

Last edited by cleansweap; 05-05-2009 at 01:04 PM.

 
Old 05-05-2009, 02:13 PM   #7
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Re: Relationship advice needed - wife doesn't seem to like sex and won't try anything

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
Well, I don't know how I can help you; nevertheless something urges me to post here.

My impression is that there is something mysterious about this relationship. She could be living in a different planet from you, I don't know. Has she got female friends? Does she go out to meet them or what? I think this would be important for her.

Also important is the amount of time you spend with her. I don't mean time for sex. I mean time for dating, talking about trivia, making her laugh, going out, shopping, doing the chores together, doing some sort of physical activity together (dancing, maybe).

As for the sex... well, I usually follow a rule, although it is not too rigid. I never tell a woman what to do in bed. I always expect her to tell me what to do, instead. I may take an initiative, but if she doesn't want it, I will stop. Not every woman likes fellatio (you must respect this and not insist), but many enjoy cunnilungus a lot. Be patient.

Try to reach her through other ways than sex, and maybe in the end she will open up to a more frequent sexual life.
Unfortunately she doesn't really know anyone around here at the moment, we moved recently and she doesn't work so doesn't get much chance to get to know anyone. However, even when she did work and went out with friends more this problem existed.

The problem actually seemed to start when we first moved in together. Before that we would see each other regularly and would almost always have sex when we did. But when we moved in together it immediately became less regular.



Quote:
Originally Posted by cleansweap View Post
Have you heard of post-pardom depression? This is usually had by women during, and after the baby is born. They have know time or sexual desire for their husbands, and in really bad cases, some don't even want their babies. My wife went thru this! She nor I knew what it was until maybe after the baby was a year old. It wasn't so much the sex, but the baby. She didn't want anything to do with it at times. If you wife is going thru this, she would have to go to the doctor to be diagnost. Of course from what you are saying she most likely wouldn't go. To help solve your problem, your wife needs a close friend (girl friend) that she can talk to in confidence. As for now, you could try holding out until she ask you! I would give it a couple of weeks maybe. Some women feel that sex should be for the purpose of conceiving, and after that's done, they really could care less if they have sex again. Some men feel that way as well.

I don't think its that as its now coming up to 4 years since our daughter was born, and this goes back to well before then.

Unfortunately my wife's best friend is also my sister, thats how we met (she called round for my sister, I answered then door, etc.). So I expect she would feel very awkward taking to my sister about it (I'm not sure my sister would want to hear either ).

With regards to "some women feel that sex should be for the purpose of conceiving", I think this could be close to the truth in my wife's case.

Last edited by anon78; 05-05-2009 at 02:14 PM.

 
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