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-   -   Serious Question for Men - From Woman (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/sexual-health-men/70086-serious-question-men-woman.html)

CDPicture 06-22-2003 01:42 PM

Serious Question for Men - From Woman
 
I have been with my husband for 15 years. I know that he masturbates; he does it when we're intimate and he does it in the shower (although I don't know how often). We've discussed the 'act' of masturbation a lot...I do it, he does it, we do it for each other and when we're alone. He does get a bit elusive about talking about it when we're not intimate and would rather 'not discuss it'.

What I'm wondering, though...and this may just be female insecurities, if there is less sex going on in the bedroom, does it mean he's masturbating more in private? I have noticed that he is not able to keep an erection during sex and I'm not sure if it's because I don't pleasure him the way he does himself (pressure, sensitivity, form-wise). I'm 33 years old, and know I'm not a spring chicken, but I'm wondering if it's me that's not satisfying him as well as he satisfies himself. I do notice that when I am giving him oral sex, he does want me to go "deeper" or "harder", not unlike actual intercourse and when I'm masturbating him, he likes to 'take over' after a few minutes...I don't know if I'm not applying enough pressure or if he has his own 'certain' way about doing it. I've watched him enough to know 'how' to do it, but not sure if it's a pressure thing or if I'm doing it a certain way for too long and need to 'change up'...you know, like he would if he were doing it himself. I am completely okay with him taking over, but don't want him to do it alone if I'm a willing participant.

Do any of you men think that you may be in this same predicament or is there some advice you can give me...heck ANY responses would be welcome (except the profane, of course).

Bottom line, does masturbation (duration, intensity, frequency) affect actual intercourse? And if so, how can I do anything differently in order to be satisfied and satisfy him at the same time? I certainly wouldn't ask him to stop or to cut back, mainly because I have no control over when/how often he does it.

When he can't keep an erection, he seems upset and has expressed that he doesn't want me to think that he 'can't please his wife'.

So is this all in my imagination?

Thanks for any responses.

Geoff B 06-22-2003 03:30 PM

I don't have much time and may not have any to reply as I am going away soon. I used to masturbate more than I do now. Opportunity lessened and some desire waned so I virtually stopped. I think I lost it because I wasn't using it enough. I have erectile disjunction and need Viagra or its equivalent to have intercourse but can still masturbate. That's more to do with the fact that I don't need to stay as hard to masturbate as I do to have sex. My penis can go a bit soft and I can keep masturbating but any loss of hardness to that extent during intercourse will stop things completely. So I don't think it has anything to do with relative turn-on stimulation or feelings during intercourse verses masturbation. It's purely a mechanical thing and his distress and worry at non-performance is very typical. His desire and need to ejaculate has not lessened but intercourse becomes a challenge to perform, while masturbation is much as it always was.

laurajim77 06-22-2003 05:46 PM

I read your reply to my husband and we were wondering if your husband is taking any new medications? That could cause a reduced drive. Also he suggested that sometimes arousal occurs when the timing for intimacy isn't right. Like during the day when I'm at work (he is at home during the day). Sometimes he is so concerned about completing too soon in an effort to satisfy me. Talk to your husband the only way to find out what's up is to open up to each other. Sex is never the same at every stage in your marriage.

KG 06-23-2003 01:33 PM

As a 50 year old male that masturbates in between having sex with my wife, I have never had a problem with going soft or not lasting until we both have a orgasm of course hers first. I do know one my friends that is on BP Meds has problems getting hard or keeping it hard after he went on the drugs. Hope this helps.

Magnetic 06-23-2003 02:09 PM

Does masturbation (duration, intensity, frequency) affect actual intercourse? Yes, it certainly can. In your case it might not be an issue, but it can be - it depends on a number of factors.

If he has just gotten out of the shower after doing himself, and then you want to be intimate, he may have some problems. I presume he is in his mid-30's, like you, and while most men this age will be able to go a second round within a half hour, some can't and even if he can get an erection again, it might be more difficult to keep it, and more difficult to ejaculate. How difficult, again, will depend upon the man and perhaps how many ejaculations he has had in the previous days. Some men can do it twice a day every day since way back when, but others will run out of steam very quickly.

So, it is difficult to say exactly what is going on. I would tend - based on averages and with that assumption that he is around 35 - that occasional masturbation on his own should not be causing this. I do think he should get a physical exam from a doctor and mention this problem. Sexual difficulties can be the early signs of various diseases which, if caught early, can be cured.

As for better masturbating him, it could be the pressure applied, but sometimes a man needs a certain rhythm to ejaculate, and he may need to adjust this rhythm as he reaches the point of no return in a way you can't determine. Some other men, however, find the difference between his own technique and the female's technique to be sufficiently stimulating that he can reach orgasm more easily. I guess you need to ask him but, just as you can probably do yourself better than him, he can probably do himself better than you.

But, bottom line, I think he should consult a doctor for a full workup just to see if there are any physical factors at play. His difficulties - unless he is masturbating twice a day - are not normal for men in their 30's.

In closing, while you are very tolerant of his masturabatory actions, it is very possible they are interfering with your combined sex life. If he is masturbating alone due to an aperiodic sexual frequency to get him through the dry spells, and when you notice a problem is after he masturbated and you just happen to want sex later that day, then you may try to attempt to have intercourse on a more regular schedule. Knowing, say, you both decide you are going to make love on Fridays and Wednesdays, he will be less inclined to masturbate on those days, and probably the day before. I mean, if he is standing in the shower Wednesday morning, if he knows he will have sex that evening, he may decide not to masturbate, whereas if he thinks it won't be until Saturday he will get some, he may go on. And, yes, men are reluctant to speak with others about their masturbation, as oftentimes they are not thinking of their spouses while they do it, and to admit that is to open up the potential for an upset wife who will wonder who their husbands are lusting after.


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