Join Date: Jun 2009
Anxiety and few other things are "killing" me
First of, i'm 24 year old and still never kissed, huged or had sex with a girl.
I am a gamer (addict) and few months ago i met a girl. We played a same game and she had a crush on me, after that i think she dragged me into loving her (which i don't regret, even tho i feel tons of pain).
So it is my first relationship which is a distant, we're 1000km apart and so we can't meet irl easy (money problem).
PLEASE NOTE: I think i might have said something mean, something very selfish or stupid down there. I do let myself hide from responsibility behind my anxiety and inexperience. Everything i wrote is just what thoughts i get and what bothers me. What i said there doesn't mean i like it, i'm just falling into depression because i can't find the solutions.
So we talked about lots of things, and my anxiety started to build up after sex topics.
Add to that, my penis size is less than the average, so it's less or around 4" long. That is considered small(?)(because average is like 5.5" as far as i know), and it really added up to anxiety.
One time i asked her about sizes, said she liked small, and she gave me the reason why, that really releaved me and size stopped to be an issue for me.
Now what i can't get rid of and what makes me hella anxious is the duration i can keep on going. Yes, i didn't have sex yet, but i mastrubate and i see how long and in what conditions i can keep up.
Also she said it does take time to get her orgasm, which made me feel even worse. More worse when she said, the second and third orgasm is even better for her.
Generaly this all made me feel like not enough. When i mastrubate i have to like stroke for a few seconds then stop and wait for twice as long. This way i can keep up to like 30 mins and that is if i don't see something really turning on(i watch porn), in that case i might not be able to control myself at all.
If i don't do stops i can't last more then 10 mins thats for sure.
There are rare days where i can keep going (with the way of self controll) up to like 1hr - 1hr20mins but after that i'm just getting bored.
Here starts the part where i hate my brains.
Knowing all the things that i told i made myself conclusions:
she does take time to get her 1st orgasm - that must be not less than 30 mins,
she likes 2nd and 3rd orgasms more - means she would want them and that would probably add another 40-60mins,
i get bored after 1hr - means i couldn't get her to her 2 or 3rd orgasm (being bored means losing the pleasure feeling),
me lasting 30 mins only with tons and tons of little breaks - means it's impossible for me to keep up even untill her 1st orgasm,
she told that to drive away her orgasm she can just stop rubbing herself - that means she needs a continuos stimulation "there" to at least get her orgasm in those 30 mins (?), so because i do little breaks - thats not a continuos stimulation
She said it's ok(it doesnt matter for her) if i get to orgasm before her - but i see another problem here,
when i ejaculate my body calms down, so i'm no longer turned on - means i don't feel pleasure anymore, i feel like i loose interest in sex and wimen just after the ejaculation. So it makes me feel like if i last very short, like 5 or 10 mins, i can only force myself to please her and get her to her orgasm, but i will feel no pleasure, but just boring. - this actually makes me hate myself.
When i see a girl rubbing herself, also using a vibrator and rubbing her nipple (all at the same time) non stop, and with that much stimulation it still took 30 mins to get to orgasm, that really makes me sad.
After this, i think you'll just start thinking i'm going totaly nuts.
All this anxiety thing has made me feel envy to wimen. It made me feel terrible. I was envy that wimen can get 3 orgasms in one 'session'(not just in one day), i was envy that they can rub themselves continuously and feel a great pleasure.
About this pleasure thing - there is a pleasure felt when being 'horny' or turned on, thats is what makes it feel when a heart starts beating faster. Stroking penis doesn't give much pleasure addon, it all comes to psychological level, where i think it feels great when penis is being stroke. Of course the best pleasure is pre ejaculation feeling and the ejaculation (both of which are bodily feelings), it's hard to measure but is like 100 times better feeling than just being horny.
So i had this idea stuck in my head that female feel a great bodily pleasure when rubbing self. And there are few sensitive places so all the bodily pleasure just addup even more. This and the fact that wimen also can easily get 3 orgasms made me totaly envy and sad (sad because i can't feel the same pleasure). It made me feel that it's just unfair.
Also whenever i see a girl take a toy/vibrator it makes me feel totally useless and not enough(even tho it's not my gf and i don't even care about her),
Whenever i see female rub herself at the same time as some man already having intercourse it just makes me feel like men are not enough pleasure for her, and they are useless, they can't give what she needs.
I envy wimen because they don't have to think of stuff like, how to keep up with the partner, how to not get bored, how to keep the erection, keep away ejaculation, how to self controll, how to please so there is enough pleasure felt. I mean i wouldn't understand if a women told me she's nervous and afraid to fail. How can a women fail? There is a universal thing to please a man i think, just let him f*** (yes of course thats not the 'making love'), and thats what would at least be totally enough for me to feel pleased. To please a women however, there might be tons of things that a man would have to do.
My gf had a wild life (if i can say like that. Was like party girl and stuff, she had many guys before), but she changed a few years ago. Knowing it it also makes me think what if she will compare me with others, what if there was a guy who kissed better, or another who did something else better. Yes, i fear to be the worst and to be useless.
ok, i think thats all for now at least. Thanks to all who read that much.