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Old 10-22-2009, 05:21 AM   #1
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Exclamation no confidence- confusion with sexuality

Hey there. Am new to this site. I'm hoping that you'd be able to help me to understand myself a little better. Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

My situation is that when i was younger, about 16-17, i had a sexual experience with another guy. From the moment this happened i think there was an internal battle that went on for years- i think there is still a remenemt of that battle going on now-.. my first reaction to the experience was that i put all my energies into persuing girls-- i'm sure i was doing this to prove to myself that i was straight.. during this time i was also looking at hugely damaging amounts of pornography and smoking vast amounts of cannabis.. This time of my life was dark to say the least. i was paranoid about my sexuality, aggressive, confused and in a constant state of flux. Somehow maybe a year or two later i made peace with myself and stopped obsessing over sex and women and actually stopped thinking about sex or trying to prove anything to myself- Not long after this happened i started having girlfriends and being attracted to women again, and so i' laid to rest the disturbing memories from the past and enjoyed a normal life, went to university, made some new friends, and now i have a girlfriend who i've told about what happened all thouse years ago and who says it's ok, and normal, and she even told me how she used to snog (kiss) girls when she was at school..

I felt that i'd worked things out, and that i was not only past all the negativity and self loathing, but was actually becoming a more confident. Ifelt that i had no issues or inscurities regarding my sexuality- and i didn't consciously think this- i just felt normal, and at ease, happy, sexually and spiritually.

BUT i've found that lately I've had the odd sexual though about guys.. these thoughts are not ones i have when i'm out and about- and i never look at a guy in the street and fancy him-, but just when i'm on my own, and they aren't romantic, but sexual in nature. The desire that they leave me with is fairly strong. what i can't understans is whether they are fantasies that i have-- after all who after looking at pornoghaphy for an hour wouldn't think what it might be like to be a ****, just for a day??? or whether i've got somekind of repressed unges that would suggest i'm gay or bi?? the urges never get in the way of a loving relationship, and they only occure when i'm very low and alone.. they are infrequent compared to the fantasies i have about women... What do you think this could mean??

I don't think that persuing these fantasise would be a good idea. i feel as though if i did this i'd be too ashamed to be the same person, and then would struggle to have the confidence to approach and start dating women again (asuming that's what i wanted)..

No matter how hard i think about it, it seems to me that the life i've discovered and led up til ths point is just not compatible to this other mode of thought.. on one hand i'm a confident, independent, intelligent individual in the world, happy and satisfied with women- and now with these sexual thoughts towards guys- i feel as though i'd be imasculated to the extent that i'd not be able to look a woman in the eyes again, let alone feel like a confident and healthy individual..

Does this mean that my feelings are of a corrupt nature??

What do i do?? Why is there so much shame attached to these thoughts??

I partly feel that i am excited by the guilt element attached to these thoughts.. and in this respect if i was to accept them as healthy then they may lose the appeal they have..

Is anyone able to shed any light?

 
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Old 10-22-2009, 11:30 AM   #2
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Re: no confidence- confusion with sexuality

Quote:
Originally Posted by freedomuk View Post
Hey there. Am new to this site. I'm hoping that you'd be able to help me to understand myself a little better. Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

My situation is that when i was younger, about 16-17, i had a sexual experience with another guy. MAYBE IT'S IRRELEVANT TO ASK, BUT WHAT KIND OF SEXUAL EXPERIENCE WAS IT? From the moment this happened i think there was an internal battle that went on for years- i think there is still a remenemt of that battle going on now-.. my first reaction to the experience was that i put all my energies into persuing girls-- i'm sure i was doing this to prove to myself that i was straight.. during this time i was also looking at hugely damaging amounts of pornography and smoking vast amounts of cannabis.. This time of my life was dark to say the least. i was paranoid about my sexuality, aggressive, confused and in a constant state of flux. Somehow maybe a year or two later i made peace with myself and stopped obsessing over sex and women and actually stopped thinking about sex or trying to prove anything to myself- Not long after this happened i started having girlfriends and being attracted to women again, and so i' laid to rest the disturbing memories from the past and enjoyed a normal life, went to university, made some new friends, and now i have a girlfriend who i've told about what happened all thouse years ago and who says it's ok, and normal, and she even told me how she used to snog (kiss) girls when she was at school..

I felt that i'd worked things out, and that i was not only past all the negativity and self loathing, but was actually becoming a more confident. Ifelt that i had no issues or inscurities regarding my sexuality- and i didn't consciously think this- i just felt normal, and at ease, happy, sexually and spiritually.

BUT i've found that lately I've had the odd sexual though about guys.. these thoughts are not ones i have when i'm out and about- and i never look at a guy in the street and fancy him-, but just when i'm on my own, and they aren't romantic, but sexual in nature. The desire that they leave me with is fairly strong. what i can't understans is whether they are fantasies that i have-- after all who after looking at pornoghaphy for an hour wouldn't think what it might be like to be a ****, just for a day??? or whether i've got somekind of repressed unges that would suggest i'm gay or bi?? the urges never get in the way of a loving relationship, and they only occure when i'm very low and alone.. they are infrequent compared to the fantasies i have about women... What do you think this could mean??

I don't think that persuing these fantasise would be a good idea. i feel as though if i did this i'd be too ashamed to be the same person, and then would struggle to have the confidence to approach and start dating women again (asuming that's what i wanted)..

No matter how hard i think about it, it seems to me that the life i've discovered and led up til ths point is just not compatible to this other mode of thought.. on one hand i'm a confident, independent, intelligent individual in the world, happy and satisfied with women- and now with these sexual thoughts towards guys- i feel as though i'd be imasculated to the extent that i'd not be able to look a woman in the eyes again, let alone feel like a confident and healthy individual..

Does this mean that my feelings are of a corrupt nature?? NO.

What do i do?? Why is there so much shame attached to these thoughts?? MAYBE BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE YOU ARE DENYING YOUR OWN SEX...

I partly feel that i am excited by the guilt element attached to these thoughts.. and in this respect if i was to accept them as healthy then they may lose the appeal they have..

Is anyone able to shed any light?
Hmm, I should think that much, very much, of what you are going through and feeling and thinking etc about your own sexuality is absolutely normal for every man, or for the great majority of men, to be more exact. Even older men probably go through this, but since I take you to be relatively young, it may appear to be more dramatic to you at this age.

My advice is that you should simply observe the passage of these feelings and thoughts, accept them as something very human and normal, and just let them go. You are not being asked to act upon these feelings. Don't think that you are less of a man because of them.

On the other hand, if you think you can become more masculine, you could perhaps find ways of becoming stronger in body, spirit, attitude, and mind and therefore more self-confident. Being more masculine really helps every man, in every sense, at every age. It is a question of being healthy. But being masculine doesn't mean you have to block your feelings or feel ashamed of them.

 
Old 10-22-2009, 11:38 AM   #3
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Re: no confidence- confusion with sexuality

Sounds like you're gay to me, dude, but not ready to accept it. Sorry, if that's not what you wanted to hear.

I know for me, and I think most straight guys, the idea of getting anywhere near another guy in an intimate way is just plain revolting. (Nothing wrong with being gay, that's just a straight guy's reaction to the thought of it.)

I don't know how the bi/gay thing works, but you're obviously not straight. I've got several gay friends who are very happy, secure and all-around wonderful people. I'd consider coming out of the closet.

 
Old 10-23-2009, 12:53 AM   #4
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Re: no confidence- confusion with sexuality

Quote:
Originally Posted by caberg View Post
I know for me, and I think most straight guys, the idea of getting anywhere near another guy in an intimate way is just plain revolting.
Considering we know from the Kinsey Report, that at least 40% of the male population has had at least one voluntary homosexual encounter; for a significant portion of straight men, the idea is exciting. With respect, the feeling that its revolting is more a reflection of your personal fears and apprehensions.

Sexuality isn't just divided into gay and straight; instead its a continuum. A man can be attracted to women and yet find certain guys attractive or interesting to them. The OP's feelings are totally normal and it doesn't mean he is gay. I think he is analyzing the situation too much and trying to prove he is only totally straight when in fact few people fit into that category.

Accept sometimes you like certain men for what ever reason, and sometimes you like women better than your present partner. It doesn't mean you have to act on those feelings. Remember feeling are not wrong or right, they just exist. It's your actions that you control, not your feelings.

Stop obsessing over your male thoughts and just accept them as normal for many men.

Last edited by orion; 10-23-2009 at 01:04 AM.

 
Old 10-23-2009, 01:12 PM   #5
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Thumbs up Re: no confidence- confusion with sexuality

Hey there. Just wanted to say thanks for the advice and info. I think that this has put things into perspective for me.

I think coming back home after years away has triggered some bad memories and given me reason to examine the past in a way that i just wouldn't normally do.

I sometimes feel as though society seeks to tar anyone who doesn't quite conform to the straight steriotype as homosexual. and i think i've had problems reconciling my past to these preconcieved notions- as demonstrated so effectively by caberg!

If anything remains it is for me to accept myself fully and rise above all the bull***t!

Cheers for the help!

 
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