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Old 12-17-2009, 02:43 PM   #1
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Sex issues ended relationship

Im not sure if this is the appropriate place for this topic or not, because it also deals with relationship issues. But I've never had something like this lead to a breakup before and it is absolutely crushing me.

I have always had self-esteem issues. The only time I'm truely outgoing and confident is around my very close friends. When I am around girls I like or people I don't know that well, I struggle. The thing is, since I was in high school, I havent dated too much, but the girls I dated have all been gorgeous. Not just in my mind. I dated a girl that many said was the hands down best looking at our college for 3 years. I dated a dance instructor that every guy in town wanted. So I have no idea why I still struggle with self esteem. I met this girl thru a friend and she fell for me right away. She was very pretty, outgoing, and incredible. All my friends were jealous and constantly talked about how lucky I was. Once we dated for a while and got close, we started always messing around. At first I didnt have a problem. But then a few times I felt self conscious about being naked in front of her, and worried if the sex wasn't good she'd leave me, etc. It really began taking its toll.

Her friends and roomates are all very open. They tell each other everything and tell me alot of things. I mean, I knew a lot of things about her roomates boyfriends that i didnt care too. So I know they all told each other everything.I then started to worry that a few times I couldn't keep an erection that she immediately told her friends. Each time we tried, we'd go to get ready and all these thoughts entered my head and I couldn't do it. We would just end up kissing and playing around. Finally a few months later I brought it up to her. She was TOTALLY supportive and was glad I said something. She offered her ideas of what could be wrong and said she'd even go to the doctor with me. Problem was, I was embarrased to even tell a doctor. I was scared to death. I was sure it had something to do with my confidence as I never had a problem getting an erection before, and had no problem if we did oral or anything else. I admittedly put it off for another month or so until I could see it really starting to hurt her. I told her how amazing she was and that I was over the embarrasment and would see a doctor soon.

I scheduled a physical and when it came time, I froze, i couldnt say the words. My gf kept callling after my appt excited that I was actually getting some help. I had to lie to her and say he wants to see me again in a month. She could not understand how I wouldnt force the issue because its been so long. Thats when the relationship took a huge hit. One day I tried to mess around with her and she just didnt respond. She started crying and said she was just numb. She couldnt see how I saw this hurting her and hurting the relationship and still not do anything about it. I finally said somethihng to my doc a month later. He gave me some pills to try and said to call him and let him know how it goes. It was nowhere near as bad as I thought. But by this time, she was mostly gone. We dated for about another 6 weeks after that, but her libido was gone and she barely even wanted to kiss me. We lost all chemistry. I was embarrassed, thinking all her friends know, all her friends are laughing at her, etc and all I could do was watch and hope things turn around. I was no longer myself. I wouldn't even roll over in bed to hold her at night because I wasnt sure if she wanted me too. It was horrible.

9 months after the breakup and I think about it all day. I realize now how unbelievably stupid it was to not be able to tell a doctor, a man who hears everything, about this immediately. But as a healthy 27 year old man, who already has low self esteem, I just couldn't deal with this. It was impossible for me to think straight. My ex and I are friends and have hung out a few times, but unfortunately just as friends. This has to be the absolute worst way to lose a girl. Every joke in a movie or tv about sex makes me think of it. I can't even watch my friends with their girlfriends because I feel like such a loser not able to satisfy mine. No matter what, my ex's next guy will always be better than me.

I just don't know how to handle this mentally. Two weeks ago I slept with someone and had no problem. You'd think that would get my mind off it, but all I do is obsess over why I have no problem with her, but couldn't do it with my ex who was 10 times better looking, and I wanted to marry. The kicker is when my friends and I watch football, theres always a dozen ED commercials. My friend joking around says "the minute mine stops working, Im headed straight to the doctor." That just made me feel even more like crap. What guy in his right mind, with a fantastic girl who he thinks is the one, has an ED problem and doesnt rush straight to the doctor. it took me almost 4 months to go, I was just so insecure. Now I live everyday with the thought "If I only maybe joked about it and was secure in myself, I would have taken care of it immediately and next month we'd be celebrating our 2 year anniversary. Now I'm spending the holidays alone. There's more to this story but I'm just making myself depressed typing and thinking of the what if's.

Again I aplogize if this is not the right place for this. But I really need help and advice this time. I could handle her leaving for someone else, I could handle us just not being able to get along. But not this. We never fought. She was the easiest and classiest girl to get along with. And because of me we never had that closeness, that intimacy. And Im left with a lifetime of loneliness and embarrassement

 
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Old 12-17-2009, 10:30 PM   #2
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Re: Sex issues ended relationship

dude, you obviously have had no problem getting girls in the past, there will be another girl who you will love even more. you say you're left with a LIFETIME of loneliness and embarrassment. that's absurd, there's no long term damage done here.

just be glad your ED isn't permanent.

i'm only 24 and right now i'm experiencing long term medication-induced sexual dysfunction, that I unwittingly brought on myself by taking anti-depressants and ADD meds. Nobody ever told me about the possibility of these side effects....

my girlfriends have all been gorgeous too, and I was always able to back it up because I was great at sex (after the initial ice-breaking, because with each girl I'm always nervous in the beginning and wouldn't be able to keep it up, but after a week or two once we got going i didn't have a problem)...

My most recent girlfriend, I DID go see a doctor almost immediately, so that he could give me some Viagra to help me get past the initial shyness. it Worked, but even though the sex was great we ended up breaking up anyway after 9 months.

she cried so much when i broke up with her. said she'd love me no matter what. My friends and family all told me she was wrong for me, that I could do better, but now I feel like I'll never be able to find someone who could accept my condition.

my confidence stemmed greatly from my sexual ability, and this has left me devastated. literally all I can do (if I can even get out of bed in the morning) is go to work, come back home and be by myself in my room every day, always on the edge of tears. I can't get out of living in the past, just replaying my mistakes over and over in my head, wishing I'd never gone on the meds.. wishing I'd told one of my best friends how I felt about her before she went and got a boyfriend and is now marrying him.. I came so close so many times, but I could never do it. I feel like if I'd dated her to begin with (when I first met her she liked ME, and I could have dated her), rather than dating the girl who ended up dumping me so hard I had to go on anti-depressants, that I wouldn't be in this mess at all. I would have graduated school, I'd still have a social life, the ability to have sex, and WE'D be getting married instead.

every little sex joke and cialis commerial gets to me too.

YOU learned a lesson. end of story. ask your doctor right away next time; or maybe just in general, if there's something on your mind, SAY IT! it's too bad that it took losing a relationship to learn the lesson, but it happens. the relationship probably wouldn't have worked out anyway; you could have gotten married before you realized you weren't supposed to be together. take this as a sign that there is someone else out there for you.

I went to my doctor right away to ask for a Viagra sample because I had the same problem with my most recent girlfriend. It worked, and then everything was fine and we had sex every day, but it turned out we just weren't right for each other, as badly as I wanted us to be, and had to break up with her. this girl told me she'd love me no matter what, and oh-the-irony a month after we break up I get hit with all these dysfunction issues. I'm more alone than I've ever felt.

maybe the next girl you date won't constantly compare you to her friends' boyfriends, because that's pretty messed up.

stop focusing on just the one girl. it's the reason i went on medication, because i was so depressed and obsessive. just accept the loss, embrace your freedom, and move on.

Last edited by spin77; 12-17-2009 at 10:38 PM.

 
Old 12-17-2009, 10:48 PM   #3
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Re: Sex issues ended relationship

I am sorry for your situation but you know you are going to have to let it go. The problem is that you went to the wrong kind of doctor. You don't need a pill you need to understand why you think the way you do. You need a psychologist to help you with this obsession you have that you have so much power over beautiful women that you think they are talking about you? Schedule yourself with a therapist...meanwhile don't date beautiful women until you understand why you think they are talking about you. Good luck.

 
Old 12-18-2009, 10:54 AM   #4
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Re: Sex issues ended relationship

A hard lesson to be sure. BUt rest assured, you are YOUNG, you do not have ED, you had "performance anxiety" because you loved this girl so much & was preoccupied with her telling all of her friends & rumors beginning. NOt all women go around & tell everyone about their sex lives, maybe she did not even do this, but it played on your mind. This is not crazy thing by any means.
Is it too late to write her a long letter & express how you feel? The thing is, make sure YOU can handle it IF she does not come back, but dont delay doing this IF you feel you may have a chance with her again, as you may always regret NOT trying. Who knows she may be crying over you? So often we do not show how we really feel or try to move on soo badly -because we feel we have no other choice, but things were left UNSAID, UNEXPRESSED. This should never be.

If you love something , let it go free, if it does not return to you, it was never meant to be yours, if it does, Love it forever.

If this woman brushes you off after you bear your soul to her, then she is not worth your love, and you WILL eventually be able to pick yourself up and move on. YOU have beauty and youth on your side, MANY men do not have this, so even if your self esteem is a little shaky, you still have advantages that other men do not . You will find love again. Hot men always do !

 
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