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Old 06-15-2001, 02:12 PM   #1
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Rockc HB User
Orgasm

I have never given my wife an orgasm during intercourse or any other type of sexual play. It has always bothered me that I can't give her an orgasm. I think that if she was not on antidepressants, that she would have more sensitivity and have one with me as her lover. Therefore, I have wanted her to change meds so she could feel more,however, she had a terrible experience with going off (Paxil)that she will not even consider it. I don't blame her. It was terrible and even scared me. She can give herself one lying on her stomach only and even have multiples. We have toys and she can give herself one but I can't give her one with the vibrators,etc. I am allowed to touch her butt,however, she says I interfere with her concentration if I try to be part of it by rubbing her **** or vagina. Being married, 21 years, you would think she would have had an orgasm with me or I would have learned by now someway to do it. Anyway, I feel left out. Talking to my friend, she asked why was it so important to me that I be able to give the orgasm and I could not really pinpoint an answer. The only thing I can think of is that I feel left out, as I mentioned above. She enjoys sex even when she doesn't have an orgasm. Why does this bother me so much? Why is it so important for me to be the one to give her an orgasm? Is it that I feel like a failure? Is it that I am so goal oriented? Does anyone understand how I feel and why I feel that way? Thanks, Rock

 
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Old 06-15-2001, 02:46 PM   #2
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Re: Orgasm

I completely understand how you feel. Giving your partner an orgasm is like reaching the finish line or making the goal for both of you. Not getting her to an orgasm feels like a failure although it shouldn't. Many people have the same problem even when not on medication. Be happy that you are sexual together and don't beat yourself up over this. It's not your fault.

 
Old 06-17-2001, 01:49 AM   #3
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Rocky9945 HB User
Re: Orgasm

"Why does this bother me so much? Why is it so important for me to be the one to give her an orgasm? Is it that I feel like a failure? "

Question is do you feel like a failure? Does your wife act as if you're a failure? After 21 years I would hope not. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> I think the the fact that you still try means more to your wife than you realize.

I do understand how you feel Rock, I had this same problem with a former girlfriend. I felt the same as you described. She enjoyed sex also but she told me maybe it was better this way because I seemed to try harder to reach her goal. We tried different things, postions, toys you name it. It was probably more fun because of that. But I still felt inadequate. What was I doing wrong?

I learned later from her that she was a little different down there and most likely would never be able to reach orgasm through intercourse. (I've never seemed to have had a problem with my wife.)

You've been married 14 years longer than I have, but I've learned that reaching that "goal" isn't always that important. I know my wife loves me. The act of making love with her is special. I want her to feel good of course, but I'm showing her my love. Just like you are.

You're not a failure Rock. You want to please her like nobody else can. That alone proves you're not a failure. As to feeling left out, that's in your mind, I'm betting not in hers.

You said she has told you that you interfere with her concentration. I've read that this is something women shouldn't do when trying to reach orgasm. They need to relax and just enjoy the feelings. Don't think about it, just let it happen. Maybe you can talk to her about this. Don't try for the orgasm the first second or third times. Just get her to relax, enjoy the feeling. Next time play a little longer. Then a little longer and so on. Talk to her in a calm soothing voice. Get her used to relaxing and feeling the love and pleasure you can give to her. Tell her to just feel what is happening, don't think, feel it. Maybe sometime she'll let go and surprise you both. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

 
Old 06-17-2001, 06:57 AM   #4
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donnahc HB User
Re: Orgasm

Try this: Get a vibrating egg. Have her get on top and put the egg between the two of you. Make sure she positions herself directly on the egg while she is moving. It may take a few times to get it in the right place, but once it is she'll know. She can lay on the bottom, but the top works best because she can grind against the egg as it vibrates. My husband and I have been doing this for 6 or 7 years. I was fortunate to have a friend give me this hint after years of not orgasming together during intercourse. I have to say though, that the orgasm is not most important to me. We can have great sex without it. Sometimes I reach for the egg and sometimes I don't. Hope your wife will give this a try.

 
Old 06-17-2001, 07:27 AM   #5
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Flintstone,MD USA
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stuck HB User
Re: Orgasm

A few comments.....
I took Paxil for over 2 years; it has some of the worst sexual side effects of any antidepressant on the market. That could very well play a factor in your wife's difficulty achieving orgasm. On the other hand, it is a GREAT drug for depression and anxiety, so many people (myself included) decide the benefits outweigh the lack of sexual pleasure.
Lots of women find it easier to come when a man enters them from behind; this provides more stimulation to the G-spot area of the vagina.
Finally - there are millions of women who have difficulty reaching orgasm from intercourse alone. I know....I am one of them. However, that does not mean we can't enjoy sex without it. Try not to worry too much about not being able to "reach the finish line"....if she has been with you for 21 years, that's a pretty good indication that she enjoys the closeness of having sex with you, and you're doing something right!!

 
Old 06-18-2001, 12:44 PM   #6
 
Join Date: May 2001
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dani69 HB User
Re: Orgasm

Many women are unable to reach orgasm during sex or other sorts of play. Don't feel bad it probably has nothing to do with you.

 
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