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Old 06-22-2001, 05:59 PM   #1
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Marigold HB User
No sex life!

I will try to make this as brief as possible. I have been married for 4 years now and have just recently gone off birth control pills. I have literally tried every brand and method, but everything has given me harsh side effects. Anyhow, my boyfriend hates condoms, and has reactions to over the counter products. This is really hard on the both of us, we haven't had sex in so long. We are both so afraid of me getting pregnant that there is no sexual enjoyment at all. I want so badly to have a tubal ligation (sterilization) but I have no health insurance and it is a little over $1,000. And even though it is cheaper, he refuses to get a vasectomy out of fear. So what would you guys do in a situation like ours? Am I being selfish for not wanting to take birth control pills anymore, and ruining our sex life?

 
Old 06-22-2001, 06:14 PM   #2
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sdp HB User
Re: No sex life!

How about an IUD or diaphragm?

 
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Old 06-22-2001, 06:17 PM   #3
 
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Hamsmacker HB User
Re: No sex life!

Whoa there!! Is it just me or did I read that you've been married for four years and been on the pill but your boyfriend hates condoms????? I'm confused.

 
Old 06-22-2001, 06:35 PM   #4
 
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chinadoll HB User
Re: No sex life!

I'm with hamsmaker, was wondering what the deal was!

 
Old 06-22-2001, 06:35 PM   #5
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sdp HB User
Re: No sex life!

Hey, looks like some hanky panky going on around here. Nice catch.

 
Old 06-22-2001, 06:49 PM   #6
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Brookej HB User
Re: No sex life!

Yeah! I caught that too! Mabey the hubby has had a vesectomy so she can't risk pregnancy by the boyfriend! But wouldn't the hubby have found the birth control pills at some point in time over the past 4 years? Hmmm!

 
Old 06-22-2001, 06:54 PM   #7
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Re: No sex life!

Yes.... the plot begins to thicken.. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/eek.gif">

 
Old 06-22-2001, 07:28 PM   #8
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eddie HB User
Re: No sex life!

Your married, but have a boyfriend?? If that is the case, then my advice to you is to get you self together.....Shouldn't you be working on your relationship, instead of worrying about your boyfriend not liking condoms....

 
Old 06-22-2001, 07:31 PM   #9
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Marigold HB User
Re: No sex life!

I can see how that could confuse you! We are not officially married, actually. I didn't want to read any condemning comments about us being together for so long and not being married! LOL!<p>[This message has been edited by Marigold (edited 06-22-2001).]

 
Old 06-22-2001, 07:40 PM   #10
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Marigold HB User
Re: No sex life!

But yes, it's been only him for these 4 years...

 
Old 06-23-2001, 12:21 AM   #11
 
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flynntodd HB User
Re: No sex life!

Your main problem is your boyfriend. If he has such an aversion to condoms that he'd rather go without sex than use one, he needs to see a shrink, because that's not normal behavior. Seems to me he's either a spoiled baby trying to hold his breath because he's not getting his way, or he has a genuine obsession -- a a "Fear-of-condoms" complex maybe? And he'd (also)rather go without sex than get a vasectomy? You HAVE got a crybaby on your hands.

 
Old 06-23-2001, 05:10 AM   #12
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Brookej HB User
Re: No sex life!

Hi Marigold,
I apologize for my comment. You have explained yourself. I certainly don't consider you selfish for not wanting to take birth control pills and it is certainly unselfish of you and your boyfriend to do what you have been doing to keep from bringing an unwanted child into this world. Whitewolf had some good suggestions. Have you tried the IUD or diaphragm? You obviously want no children or no more children if you would consider a tubal ligation. It is a shame that there are people who want children so badly and can't have them because of infertility problems and there are others who are so fertile that they keep getting pregnant and having abortions or just go ahead and bring unwanted children into this world. Life just isn't fair sometimes. I would have traded my infertility for your fertility in a hot second if that were possible. Try what Whitewolf suggested and see if you can come up with a solution. Good luck!

 
Old 06-23-2001, 08:40 AM   #13
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JaneGee HB User
Re: No sex life!

Don't worry about it, I have a live-in myself. We're engaged but I usually refer to him as my hubby because it's more appropriate than boyfriend.

If he hates condoms he should think how much he will hate having to take care of and support a baby. There are many brands out there, some are very thin and you hardly notice them. My guy didn't mind those at all. There are female condoms, but Bear said it was like making love to a sandwich bag. There is the vagina sponge that might work. Sterilization is not a good idea unless you are older and sure you will never want children. The reversal surgery is expensive and doesn't always work.

Bottom line you need to BOTH take responsiblity for birth control. If he isn't willing to be a partner in this it might be time to question exactly how much of a partner he is to you. Sounds like its time to sit down and really discuss this rather than you having to do all of the work.

Peace,
Jane

 
Old 06-23-2001, 08:01 PM   #14
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dylon8000 HB User
Re: No sex life!

I agree with Whitewolf who said go talk to planned parenthood. There are MANY OPTIONS of birth control. I would discourage you from getting a tubal litigation because it's surgery and I've heard there can be complications. Personally I would never want to do anything to my body. I wouldn't expect your boyfriend to get a vasectomy either (though they are much easier than tubal litigation).

I don't understand not wanting to use condoms. Go to the drugstore and buy 15 different brands and try them out <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> The brand can really make a difference. Also maybe try using lube.

I mean, if it's no sex, or sex with a condom I'd go for sex with a condom right??

There are a bunch of different oral contraceptives:

Pill
Depraprovera
Norplant

Have you tried all three?

Also, try using a diaphragm. They aren't too complicated. There is also the sponge and the IUD.

You could also just 69, lol.

Personally I like to be extra safe and hope the girl is on the pill AND use condoms. One method alone will work though, especially if you're married and don't have to worry about diseases.

There's also the morning after pill. If you're not on birth control and a condom breaks, you have 72 hours to take it to ensure you don't get pregnant. You need a prescription.

 
Old 06-23-2001, 09:57 PM   #15
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Kista HB User
Re: No sex life!

Surgery is a lot to ask of a guy who isn't married and, I assume, doesn't have any children yet. While the procedure can be reversed, it isn't guaranteed.

And don't you have surgery either!

What I would do is put the ball in his court. You've tried different solutions, and presented a couple of options for him that he rejected so do this...

When you have a little uninterrupted time alone, look right at him and adult to adult, not pleading, not accusing...just straight up ask him to come up with a suggestion. Tell him you'Ve exhausted your ideas and living without sex isn't an option for you. Then, don't talk. Wait patiently. Give him time to realize you've just given him the responsibility of coming up with a solution. Whatever you do, don't let him get out of answering, and don't nag. Be quiet, let him talk even if you have to wait awhile. If he tries to blow it off by saying "I dunno", say "No, I need you to tell me what would work for you."


But be prepared. Before you do this, you need to know how you will respond to his reply. What if he is willing to go without sex? How important is that to you? If it's something you're not willing to give up, be ready to lay it on the line. If he insists that you are the one responsible for birth control, even though you have adverse side affects, be ready for that. Know what you will say, look him in the eyes and say it calmly and maturely. He has the right to his opinions and to make his own decisions. But by doing that, he is giving the ball back to you...and you then have the right to make your decisions based on his response.
If he sounds even a little like he might give condoms a try, suggest you use unlubricated ones, so he won't have an allergic reaction. You won't have the added protection of the nonoxyd..whatever it's called, but that's usually the source of the reaction. Make sure you buy good waterbased lubrication and it helps to put a drop or two (not too much!) inside the condom right at the tip.

You might lose this battle, but to me...I'll tell you what. I lived in a sexually represseve relationship for many years and I swear, it will never happen again. Sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, but that is one thing that defines you as a couple, instead of just roommates.

You have to make some tough decisions. Don't let this drag on. YOu will find the years have slipped by, time spent waiting for this to fix itself. I wasted about 8 years. I won't get that back.

advisably yours,
Kista

 
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