Testing to see if Im GAY!!
Iam a male 28 yrs old.
About 5 yrs ago I woke from a dream where I was having a sexual experience with my best friend, also a male. It shocked me quite a bit and I understand now that this is quite common amongst both sexes. Anyway I'm a natural worrier and began to think on this. It made me remember a childhood experience that I had for a week or so wich was in practice homosexual but in our heads it was 'pretending to sleep with our girlfriends'.
I was 9 and my cousin was 8 or 7. The contact was quite sexual but not extreme. I eventually decided it was wrong to do this that it was '*****' and even though the pretence was based around being with a girl I still felt quite guilty and told my mother.
Any further contact like this became repulsive.
Before this I had enjoyed having a relationship with girls even at such an early age, kissing in the playground, etc etc. In fact I was a little notorious for being a girl chaser. And after this I continued with girls, doing all the things boys do, dreaming of them etc etc.
Then in my teens I had the most explosive sex life with my then long term girlfriend, whom I adored. I never had any problems with sex, in fact I couldnt get enough, and had many sexual relationships with women, without once worrying about my sexuality.
I read male hetro pornography too much sometimes, and never had problems with sexual arousal towards women.
Then comes the dream, the memory, and bang, panic. I begin to see if I have any homosexuality in me. I start looking at men, to see if I'm attracted, without many results, and overall try to find out wether I may have gay tendancies. Of course I call my mother. I have month or so of nervous breakdown, without really feeling genuinley attracted to men.
I worked with a gay student and felt no connection or
atraction to him but we got on, and any adolescent homophobia was depleted. I was approached a couple of times by men but refused becuase well.. i didnt want to go there.
I continued to have sexual relationships with girls some which where great but I was now left with this thought running through my head. It was kind of ruining the feelings I knew I had for my girlfriends.
So 5 yrs on I'm still doing it. I'm in a relationship again long term, the sex is ok but not as frequent, but I love my girlfrind dearly and even though i once
tried to leave her for my former, more sexier girlfriend. I returned and have no problems with sex.I even had a one night stand with my secretary which was fantastic. But I'm very loyal now and that was early on.
But In my neurosis I have even tried to think of a man during sex, but it just doesnt work it's also not very polite. It seems Im constantly testing my self to see if I'm gay. I have been doing it for too long now, and I have started to look at pictures on the web to see if it stimulates sometimes it seems like it does and then I kinda feel a little uneasy about it. Sometimes I masturbate in order to just release the frustration but then feel uneasy.
I guess I have become 'curious' from all the testing and worrying. But when I leave the house I naturally look at women's butts and all that stuff, and then find myself checking out guys just to see. The results are always unclear. It sort of doesnt feel natural but I have too look sometimes. Yet the results of my tests never seem to convince me. Even when negative I stil feel I might be a GAY not a bit but GAY..even when I still like women.
I have even tried saying to myself Iam GAY!! face it but .....well but... thats just it. I have tried making a compromise and saying I'm bi but it just doesnt seem to hit home.
The problem is now that it's diminishing all my normal sexual desires I have always had, lowering my labido so to speak. It's driving me mad, when I begin to loose the idea of being gay I become happy. But most of the time I'm always thinking about it , except when I'm busy. I do feel lost sometimes, kind of unidentifiable.
My sexuality was very important to me as a teenager,
then I could face homosexuality head on without a thought of being part of it or even I wasnt even homophobic, it just wasnt a threat to my sexuality.
I was hetro and happy.
Now I get embarassed when anyone even mentions the word GAY for fear of them concieving what I have spent the last 5 yrs thinking about. I've spent som much time worrying about it I just subconciously think I'm gay.!!!
I still get on with gay men, my girlfriend has a couple of gay friends and theyre quite charming, funny thing is though is that I never think of being attracted to them.
I have experienced the feeling where you feel are
attracted to another man then when you become friends it goes. I also lost my father at 16 and sometimes I look up to older men like my father in law, becuase I know I'm looking for identity in a male and guidance.
I argue that I feel totally comfortable with a women yet uncomfortable about being with a man.
This is a way to gauge your sexuality, what feels right what doesnt. The sexual experience is a good one no matter what sex, thats what cuases the confusion. The idea that sex with a man is good can seem as a threat, particularly if like me youve had some kind of homosexual childhood experience.
Sexuality is about whom it feels right and best with. ( maybe I have answered my problem).
Even though this is what I feel, I have embedded in me a built in angst and worry that even when cleared by reason and truth it still resides in me.
Sorry this is so long , but I havent spoken to anyone abou this , and my story may be common and help.
still worried/confused/having sex