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Old 07-05-2001, 01:48 PM   #1
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aiwacd3 HB User
Paraphilia -- What Do I Do?

I am a 17 year old male and I have never told anyone about it, but recently it has been causing me major problems. The girl I love and I broke up just recently after over a year of relationship. I have related self-esteem issues that effect social problems and I don't know what to do.

What paraphilias do I have? I have embarassing and humiliating attractions to female swim suits, wetsuits, full costumes, and anything that wraps tightly and thickly around the body. I also am stimulated by anal penetration and other things that are socially unacceptable and disgusting. I have never had any homosexual feelings or attraction to other males, though. I have had girlfriends all my adolescent life, and I truly am emotionally and physically attracted to girls. I know some of my sex drive is reserved for this abhorred paraphilia of mine and I wish I could be a normal heterosexual male. I have trouble getting hard when doing anything with my past girlfriends. I've never had a BJ but once one of my girlfriends attempted to give me a handjob and I was flacid. So most of the time I put my effort into pleasing my girlfriends, and the farthest I've gone is fingering them. It's really disappointing to me that I can't enjoy the girls I am with to the full extent.

I also have self-esteem issues caused by paraphilias. I feel unworthy of my girlfriends all the time because they are so normal and beautiful and I have this weird problem.

If anyone can give me tips on what to do, who to see, etc. I will be so, so grateful! Thank you so much.

 
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Old 07-05-2001, 06:16 PM   #2
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Re: Paraphilia -- What Do I Do?

I'm confused what does you enjoying anal penetration and homosexuality have to do with each other? Define socially unacceptable and disgusting too please, because I am of the opinion that what ever two people do consensually it fine. What is society doing in your bedroom.

Relax and learn to accept yourself for who you are. Yeah you may be kinky but so what. Isn't everyone?

 
Old 07-05-2001, 07:01 PM   #3
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mlgable HB User
Re: Paraphilia -- What Do I Do?

You are young but your might try to find a group in your area devoted to people who are "kinky". My hubby and I just joined such a group simply to try to get more out of life since I am not into anywhere's near as many different aspects of other sexual lifestyles and things as he is. All the things you described are very much normal and are nothing to worry about or be ashamed of.

 
Old 07-05-2001, 10:06 PM   #4
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aiwacd3 HB User
Re: Paraphilia -- What Do I Do?

Yeah, I see what you're all saying, but I sort of subscribe to the innocent adolescent view of romantic relationships and I like that perspective. I want to enjoy as much as possible my actual girlfriends instead of inanimate objects.

Also, why is paraphilia listed as a formally defined psychological disorder if it's just something to be accepted? Homosexuality isn't a psychological disorder.

Thanks again all for your help! <p>[This message has been edited by aiwacd3 (edited 07-06-2001).]

 
Old 07-05-2001, 10:40 PM   #5
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aiwacd3 HB User
Re: Paraphilia -- What Do I Do?

Also, I am having trouble accepting my paraphilia because it is causing me to have problems with sex, which is my means to having a family, something that is really important to me. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif"> I know some people's paraphilias don't inhibit them when it actually comes to sex, but I have a feeling mine will. I don't look at porn to masturbate and I've never shot off except during wet dreams (thinking about fetish) and all this worries me. I want to have kids the normal way via sex when I'm married! <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

 
Old 07-06-2001, 04:29 AM   #6
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Jude29 HB User
Re: Paraphilia -- What Do I Do?

If this is bothering you so much go see a sex therapist of a psychologist. It really is that simple. Quit being so hung up by lables and ignore the fact that paraphilia was ONCE listed as a psychological disorder. Most things concerning sex that is slightly out of norm was once considered deviant, and needing treatment.

From the sounds of it your main problem isn't your kink but the fact that you are so hung up on it. If you have never even masturbated I think this a a BIG problem, because you aren't even attempting to be "normal", yet you are complaining about not being normal. So it's not really your paraphilia that is causing you to have sexual problems it's your own opinion of your paraphilia that is causing you problems. You are working on the assumption that you won't be able to perform. I'll tell you a littl secret about how our equipment works. When you are sure it won't work it won't. If you relax and let it do its job most times it works just fine. Worrying about your problem is only making it worse.

I am sorry but sitting here thinking about your situation I am finding it hard to empathize or sympathize. You are complaining about a situation yet you do absolutely nothing to rectify it. You don't even try to masturbate to "normal" porn, you won't let a girl touch you, you assume the worst about your need for your fetish, if you aren't willing to atleast try there is no use.

 
Old 07-06-2001, 08:24 AM   #7
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Re: Paraphilia -- What Do I Do?

You are probably right but there's definitely evidence behind my worries.

I try masturbating to normal porn fairly often and it's never been able to stimulate me or get me hard. I always wander into the fetish sections and even then I can hardly get hard.

In relationships I go as far as I can sexually. Making out is a regular, where only rarely do I get hard. I'm flacid a lot when she tries to give me a HJ or BJ, so I concentrate on doing the same on her.

I really understand what you're saying though. The more I am consciously aware of my paraphilia or my ED while messing around, the less confidence I will have and the more likely the problems and worries will persist. I do the best I can to ignore my issues while getting with girls.

I didn't even know there was a psychological condition, paraphilia, until about a week ago. I just thought I was a little bit weird. But reading about paraphilia, the book description matched me exactly. It also explained that, depending on the degree of the condition, a paraphiliac might never be able to turn to normal females for sexual gratification.

Thanks again. I will look into seeing a sex therapist.

 
Old 07-06-2001, 03:31 PM   #8
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Jude29 HB User
Re: Paraphilia -- What Do I Do?

I hope I didn't come across to harsh I do that quite a bit but I tend to speak my mind and then suffer the consequences later.

I would like to go back to your second post when you said you would like to enjoy your girlfriends and not rely on the objects. I don't really see why it is necessary to seperate the two. In the fetish/BDSM community there are a lot of commited loving couples. Why do you seem to think that if you have a fetish you are incapable of loving a woman for who she is AND incorporate your fetish into it? Have you ever even tried discussing your fetishes with your girl friends? If they truly love you I am sure they would understand. You again are making assumptions, unless you discuss these things with a partner you will never know their feelings on the subject.

If you don't see a sex therapist at least see a psychologist about your self esteem issues. I would be willing to bet that your ED is mainly caused by your low self esteem than it is with your paraphilia. You have to be able to accept yourself before anyone else is going to be able to understand you.

Also you might want to consider Mlgable's advice and look into a local fetish/BDSM club. You just might find an attractive loving girl that you can share your fetishes with.

 
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