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Old 12-05-2001, 05:21 PM   #1
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goldenflower HB User
intimacy

hi guys i desperately need help. i have been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs now and he finds it so hard to be intimate with me. he has had this problem with his previous partners too. he adores women and finds them so attractive but yet finds it too hard too be intimate with his partner. he says that it wouldn't be the same with someone he does not care for. can anyone help me please

 
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Old 12-06-2001, 05:29 AM   #2
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Re: intimacy

You mean he's unable to talk to you about the things he really feels? That's a hard thing for lots of people of both sexes to learn to do. Sometime I know something is wrong with my wife, that she is upset about something or worried. I had to badger it out of her when we were first together but now it happens much less often. I think that as you grow older you learn to interact with your partner better as long as you are not allowed to get away with just clamming up and brooding. Try and ask him specific questions and see how he develops. An independent councillor may help too. If he just won't try at all then you have to question if you can stand living in such a relationship for very long.

 
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Old 12-08-2001, 04:50 PM   #3
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goldenflower HB User
Re: intimacy

Hi Geoff, thanks for replying. It helps to know there is someone out there willing to listen. The problem with my partner is quite complex because as I said, he really likes women and makes it obvious, which bothers me so much especially because i am so sexually frustrated. I would never dream of two timing him. Recently we went to a psychiatrist who is also a marraige counseller, so i thought it would help and during one of the sessions he admitted that it is not a low sex drive he has like he always told me but finds it almost impossible to be intimate with a person he cares for. We have been together for 4 years now and we have only been intimate twice in a year. I have reached a point now where i am becoming quite irritated and we tend to argue alot. He is wonderful otherwise . we were told that this is due to his very rigid character but i am not quite sure. Like he always told me that pornos are for sick people and not for him and it is not the first time that i woke up in the middle of the night to find him masturbating infront of t.v. All these things bother me and when i discuss it he almost gets offended. Why would a guy get turned on by admiring attractive girls and not do anything in bed with his partner when his partner is also v ery attractive and how can a man not have sex, masturbate occasionaly and not be desperate?

 
Old 12-10-2001, 10:22 AM   #4
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DivineO HB User
Re: intimacy

Let's see, he's not able to have sex with you, but is able to be sexual with someone he doesn't care for, would rather masturbate than have sex, believes that pornos are for sick people, yet takes care of business in front of the tv, and reports a low sex drive.

goldenflower, it sounds as though your man has some serious issues regarding his sexuality, and they are most likely developmental in origin. From childhood on up, we learn that sex is dirty, pornos are bad, masturbation is shamfeul, nice girls are to love, bad girls are for sex, and all sorts of other messages, and some people need a little assistance learning how to filter those out and develop their own adult sexuality.

Don't despair, help is out there, you just need to see the right kind of therapist. I'm going to recommend a great book on just these type of issues, and there are references in it for more information, as well as information on getting therapy.

Sex Smart : How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What to Do About It
by Aline P. Zoldbrod Ph.D.

Good luck.

 
Old 12-11-2001, 02:33 PM   #5
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goldenflower HB User
Re: intimacy

Hello divinO, Thank you so much for trying to help me. You seem to have understood the problem well and I will definitely purchase the book you mentioned. May I ask whether you are a psychologist? Thanks again.

 
Old 12-12-2001, 06:14 AM   #6
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Re: intimacy

Sorry I didn't reply earlier Goldenflower. In my first post I did not understand that you were mainly talking about sexual intimacy which is why I asked that first question. It sounds to me as if he has some serious issues to deal with perhaps as suggested from his childhood. I seriously wonder if he is a survivor of some sort of abuse. If so partnering him and supporting him through dealing with it (even if he is prepared to face up to it and seek professional help)may be a long hard road to hoe. Sometimes it is too much for any partner and can have serious effects on your own health and stress levels. It is very hard to be in any relationship where you want your partner to make major changes to their very nature as often that change will never happen but if you love him you have to give him a chance to change.

 
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