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Old 09-05-2001, 10:35 AM   #1
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Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

Okay I need help from the men. This is the only place I could find that I knew a lot of men would go and see this. Here goes...
When my husband and I first became friends he use to go on and on about redheads (I am a dirty blonde). He said he couldn't talk when he was in the same room with one, and how they were supposed to be more passionate in bed then others. Well you know all the stereotypes. I think there are plenty of beautiful redheads, blondes, and brunettes in the world. I just don't think that hair color makes a person unless you allow it to. He told me after we became romantically involved that he realized that he was stereotyping redheads and that he didn't care about things like hair color anymore. He always tells me that I have beautifull hair. I was completly over it. And then about a month ago I caught him doing specific searches for busty redheads. I was crushed. He also says he is not realy interested in breasts, but then all of his searches were for busty women. I am a 36-c and he barely touches my breasts. I'm so confused. Why does he say one thing and then do another? What is so wrong with my hair color? I have been complimented by many different men about how passionate and outgoing I am in the bed. So why the hell is my husband hung up on this hair color thing? What is so wrong with being a blond? And by the way he has a porn addiction so he is supposed to be trying not to go to these sights anyway. Please help. And please don't tell me not to worry about it. That's all anyone ever says. I want to know why, and if people really think that redheads have something I don't.

 
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Old 09-05-2001, 10:56 AM   #2
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Re: Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

Hi there. I'm a redhead. I probably do have some things you don't... but then you probably have lots of things I don't! ;-) You are absolutely right about it being a sterotype... I think it came about because most redheads are of Irish descent, and many of us Irish have the "Irish temper," which some believe is an indicator of passion. I'm guessing your man thinks you are beautiful and sexy, but I've come to accept that men can find many types of women beautiful and sexy. My hub thinks Pam Anderson is sexy-- I think she's gross. Your hub is just looking at women that aren't like you not because you lack anything, but many men need visual variety. If it bothers you a lot, talk to him about it. I wouldn't be exactly thrilled if my hub was viewing porno on the computer, but I guess that's a whole 'nother topic.

 
Old 09-05-2001, 01:04 PM   #3
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Re: Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

I was going to tell you not to worry about it, but I guess that's out the window. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I just don't think that hair color makes a person unless you allow it to.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

This is both true and not true. If you're going to be in a relationship with someone, there's obviously going to be more to it than just hair. At the same time, hair is one of the first things many men notice (and thus, women spend so long getting it ready).

Just because a man is attracted to women with red hair doesn't mean he can't be attracted to women with any other color of hair, and it certainly doesn't mean he's not attracted to you.

My question for you would be: if he were doing searches for sexy blondes, would you be as upset as you are now? Either way, he'd be looking at other women.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am a 36-c and he barely touches my breasts.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Have you communicated with him about this?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Why does he say one thing and then do another?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'm guessing he does this because he feels that if he didn't, you would be upset, and he's trying to protect you from being upset over what's probably nothing. Not that it's necessarily the best course of action.

If he has a porn addiction and is going through some sort of detox (for lack of a better word), I'd be more worried about that than which types of sites/women he is looking at.

As long as this fetish of his remains just a fantasy, you really should not feel threatened. We all like to look at different types of people, whether we're in a committed relationship or not. It's human nature. Fantasy is a good thing (and can sometimes even be used to make reality even better - i.e. you could do some roleplaying if you're comfortable with it). As long as he's not fooling around and this remains just as a fantasy, no one should be getting harmed.

Finally, I would assume he finds you attractive, or he wouldn't have married you. When I say attractive, I mean the whole package, both skin deep and beyond.

 
Old 09-05-2001, 04:27 PM   #4
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Re: Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

Why should hair color affect your relationship?
Whats more important is the way you feel about each other, communication is necessary in any relationship, I sugest you talk to each other, if you can a weekend away may help, it's easier to relax when it's just the two of you. I love my (brown haired) wife more now than when we Wed 28 years ago!
Good luck

 
Old 09-05-2001, 05:54 PM   #5
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Re: Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

Shane,
Okay to answer your questions. Although I wouldn't appreciate him looking up any women, it is especially hurtfull that he did the search that he did. The reason is that my ex use to tell me his 'ideal type' of a women and then he proceeded to cheat on me several times with women that fit that profile. So I've had this happen before and it didn't turn out well. I don't mind that he finds other women attractive, as I do men. We are both human and I know that just because we are married that we won't notice anyone else. I just don't want it to be such a specific thing that I will never be. I have an eating dissorder and this whole thing plays into my dilema of accepting myself the way I am. So it's complicated. I'm trying to deal with it on my own because I want to support him in his recovery. I just don't know how to not take it personally. About the breast thing, I have talked to him and he does more with my breasts then he use to. But he still claims that he is not all that interested in breasts, so why do specific searches for them? And how would it hurt me if he told me that he was into breasts, that's one of the things guys usually like about me. It's kind of hard for me to talk to him about any of this right now because he is in Bosnia untill December.

 
Old 09-06-2001, 01:06 AM   #6
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Re: Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

We all have our ideal type of body/hair/whatever type. That's something no one can prevent. Fortunately, we do not usually end up with that type of person most of the time. Even more fortunately, most people are able to realize there's more to a relationship than just the way a person looks. Obviously, physical attraction is the first key, but if there's nothing more beyond that, the relationship won't get very far, if it gets started at all. If you worry about what happened in the past all the time, it will eat you up inside, which will be bad for yourself, your husband, and your relationship. You need to learn to trust and believe in your husand and yourself. If you can do that, you'll prevent a lot of problems.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have an eating dissorder and this whole thing plays into my dilema of accepting myself the way I am.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I think you hit the nail on the head. You need to accept yourself before you will be able to accept that he accepts you.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But he still claims that he is not all that interested in breasts, so why do specific searches for them?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I would wonder whether what he means is that he's not really interested in playing with breasts rather than he's not interested in looking at them. Almost all men are interested in looking. It's hard not to in this society.

 
Old 09-06-2001, 11:51 PM   #7
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Re: Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

Shane,
Thanks for your insight, especially about the breast thing, I hadn't thought of it that way. Honestly I have never had one certain 'type' of anything that I looked for in a man. I just found I had attractions to all sorts of different men and each one was pretty different. I was usually attracted to what the person was like, not what they looked like. So when my husband started saying all this stuff about redheads I just couldn't understand. I think if I was an alcoholic and I asked my husband to not bring alcohol into our home he would support me. I really cannot have material like the porn, magazines, etc. around. It really makes it hard for me to not do abusive things to myself when I look at them. And believe me it is very hard for me not to and compare myself. And don't think of me as a prude I have a good time in bed and liked the idea of he and I watching pornos togethere on occasion. But that is not what it was. When he was doing the searches on the internet he did it a lot. Then he would reject me if I came on to him. And he wasn't at all affectionate. Now that he doesn't look at it except for every once in a while (when he slips) we are so much closer, he wants to have sex a lot more and he is a lot more affectionate. So I know that the porn was affecting him and it wasn't just that I had a problem with it. He is trying though and like he supports me in my recovery I will support him in his. I just don't want to feel like he's wishing I had red hair etc. I can't change what I was born with and I will not change myself. I get compliments on my hair all of the time, so if I change myself for him who is to say he won't still leave me and then I'll meet someone who hates red hair. Anyway thanks for your insight. I will truely give what you said some thought, especially the part about letting things in the past go.
Thanks!

 
Old 09-07-2001, 12:53 AM   #8
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Re: Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

If someone's looking at someone on television or in a magazine or something, what they look like is 99% of what the average person knows about them. They don't know about likes, dislikes, intelligence, compassion, etc. So in that respect, it's difficult to like those people for much else than looks.

You might want to discuss it with him and maybe even decide together to put in a program like Cybersitter where only you are able to disable or alter it. It's designed primarily for families who don't want to be able to access porn sites (note: it does block some legitimate sites as well). It even includes a "family friendly" search engine redirect. If he really can't stop and you both feel that it is best to remove the temptation, this should be suitable. That way, he won't be prone to slipping and neither of you will have to worry about it.

Another possibility, since you mentioned you occasionally watch porn together, might be turning porn into something you do together rather than him sneaking around and doing it behind your back. As long as you're both smart about how you go about it, this can enhance your sex life and solve some problems at the same time. You might also want to get porn with normal women. Even though it may seem there's nothing but fake women with impossible standards (just like the guys have impossible standards, at least as far as size), it is possible to get videos that are less likely to cause worries, though you might have to search.

It's hard for everyone not to compare themselves. That's why it seems like every day in this forum we see another post about "My penis is only 5 inches. Why am I so small?" One day, hopefully, though, you'll be able to compare yourself and still say "I look good."<p>[This message has been edited by Shane (edited 09-07-2001).]

 
Old 09-07-2001, 01:18 PM   #9
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Re: Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

Shane,
Thanks for your insightfullness and for not just telling me not to worry about it. You have really given me a lot to think about as well as some concrete solutions to this dilema. Thanks for taking your time.

Pheonix1!

 
Old 09-13-2001, 10:53 AM   #10
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Re: Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

Hi, I'm new here. After reading about your situation I was wondering if you have considered dying your hair red and seeing what effect it has on the men around you as well as your own feelings about yourself. Just as an experiment. While I am sure we all understand that a person should be accepted for who they are and not some stereo typical sex object, it might be fun and enlightening for you to try this. Good luck and have fun!

 
Old 09-15-2001, 12:10 AM   #11
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Re: Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

I appreciate you replying, but I think if I dyed my hair that it would cause more damage for me than good. I have been working so hard for so long to accept myself and work through some issues I have with this whole thing, that I think that doing that would set me back. I am afraid that I would always feel bad about what I was born with, if I dyed my hair and my husband or anyone else for that matter acted differently towards me because I have red hair. The whole point is that to say someone is sexier simply because of a hair color is immature and ludacris. Hair color doesn't make a person sexy, the attitude they have about themself does. I have thought of getting one of those dyes that wash out in like 6 weeks to see how my husband reacted to it. I want to see if he is telling me the truth that he really doesn't care about hair color, and I am what he is into. I mean isn't this part of the problem with our society? No one is happy with themselves, especially woman, because everyone is running around with these stereotypes of what is beautifull or sexy. I have an eating dissorder in part because I compared myself to models that are bone thin, and I felt I needed some sort of control because the world seems to be against woman that do not fit certain criteria. Men don't experience it on the same level as woman. They will comment on a news woman and say she is beautifull and smart, but when they talk about the guy sitting next to her his looks aren't even mentioned. Anyway I will get off of my feminist soap box. I want my husband to want me the way I am, the way I was born. I want to be the sexiest woman alive to him, because I am his wife, and that is the way I feel about him.

 
Old 09-15-2001, 05:37 AM   #12
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Re: Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

I am at a loss here. Is your husband your perfiect ideal man? Aren't there some aspects of his physical, make up that you would like to be just a little different but accept because you love him? I know my wife would prefer I looked more like John Cussak, but I don't get upset just because she wants to see every one of his movies that come out. Every person has preferences of what their ideal person would look like, it doesn't mean we are incapable of loving someone who doesn't fit that profile.

Now that doesn't excuse the fact that your husband appears to be a complete cad. I would suggest a few joint counsleling sessions for you.

 
Old 09-15-2001, 05:24 PM   #13
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Re: Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

Almost all men notice how other guys look, and we have the same feeling of "I wish I had his abs" or "I wish I had his hair" or whatever individual thing(s) we may want to be different about ourselves. The reason most men don't comment on the looks of other guys is not because they don't notice them but because they do not want to be considered gay. For most men, the term gay is the worst insult in the world, and for most men, considering someone to be gay is just too easy. Women, on the other hand, can comment on how other women look because society dictates it is okay. Men are bombarded with male models just as often as women see female models.

 
Old 09-16-2001, 02:19 PM   #14
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Re: Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

Jude29,
First what does CAD mean? I do not judge people the way most do. I do not look at my husband and say 'I wish he had so and so'. My 'ideal' type of man is him because of all his qualities. I don't have any one type of man that I have ever looked for in the past. I feel it's wrong to say that one person is better than another because they have a certain hair color, or a nice set of abs. Our society is too much into looks and visual. I think my husband is the sexiest man alive because he is who he is. And I don't fantasize about stars because what is the point, I will never know them and looks aren't what turns me on.
Shane,
I know that there are male models, but I have to dissagree with you that there are just as many guys being portrayed in the media to have to fit a certain mold, as there are women. If you watch shows like The Man Show, or Howard Stern, you would know what I am talking about. I just don't aggree that it is the same for men, there wouldn't be so many women with eating dissorders if it were. And I know some men have eating dissorders as well, but not nearly as many women that do. Anyway everyone feels differently and I'm starting to think that I will never understand you men and why can't some of you just look at a woman for who she is and not what she wears or looks like.
You know the 'ideal' that we look for in people should be about what goals in life a person has, what morals and views they hold, not what they look like. Maybe I just should be alone.

 
Old 09-16-2001, 06:25 PM   #15
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Re: Insecurities...please help...Especially if you have RedHair

Males are less likely to have eating disorders because that doesn't suit the purpose of looking like male models. What does is increased muscle mass. That's why men are far more likely to use steroids.

It's really very difficult for most people, male or female, to ignore what others look like. That's why everyone's always so concerned with what they themselves look like.

 
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