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Old 05-27-2001, 12:25 PM   #1
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sahmom HB User
Is he gay?

I have been with my husband for 7 years now and we rarely have sex and most of the time he shows little interest in me. I can be standing stark naked in front of him without him even paying attention. Sometimes he does, but very seldom. I don't think it is me personally because I have been married before and was attacked my my ex almost everyday! I have seen him checking out guys that walk by (which doesn't really mean anything) but a good looking girl will walk by and he won't even notice. I called him on this a while back and he laughed and said he just looks to see what guys are wearing. We get along really well and enjoy eachothers company but it really doesn't go much further then that most of the time. He is working 30 to 35 hours a week and does go to college so I know he is busy. I still have to wonder wether or not I am dealing with someone who is not attracted to woman or if I am just overreacting. Is there anyone out there who can give me some advice?

 
Old 05-27-2001, 02:18 PM   #2
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eweejoe HB User
Re: Is he gay?

For starters, if you're having to ask that question then something instinctual inside of you is trying to tell you something is not right. Regardless of what the reason, his lack of interest in you is obviously something that is upsetting you-understandably so. I've always heard that great sex can't make a bad relationship good, but bad (Or NO) sex can make a good relationship bad. The way you described your relationship (get along well, enjoy each other's company) could describe my relationship with my best friends, but obviously the intimacy of love making is missing and it is important to you and you are longing for that with your husband. I fought this battle with my current hubby for the first 2 years we were married and I know it's not fun. He was happy with twice a month, I wasn't. I could stand in front of him naked and he'd not bat an eye. NOW...he's totally the opposite. I feel like his problem was past relationships and feelings of inadequacy. Maybe this is your hubby's problem, maybe not. You will never know until you tell him how you feel. Maybe there are medical reasons.

ON THE FLIP SIDE...you weren't really specific as to how different your needs are. Is it that he wants it twice a year and you want it twice a day? If we're talking he's a once a week kinda guy and you're a once a day kinda gal then I would tend to believe that is more normal than not. "Rarely" was the word you used though, so I don't think you're over-reacting.

Talk to him. If he is not having sex with you then there is a reason and until you get to the root of it and work things out with him, you're not going to be completely happy. OH...one more thing...Don't take it personally!! <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

Hope this helped!!

Take Care!

Sherri.

 
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Old 05-27-2001, 05:19 PM   #3
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sahmom HB User
Re: Is he gay?

Hi Sherri!
Thanks for the advice. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> I have a pretty low sex drive myself and can stand for a couple times a month. I think my problem is that he rarely shows any interest. I did do a little talking to him about it, but most of the time he just says he is tired or the kids put him in a bad mood. I told him about a week ago that we need to put more effort into it and atleast shoot for once a week and he said yes (with no enthusiasm) <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif"> Basically I don't get much out of him when I try to talk about our relationship, just the run around. I try not to take it personal, but it is hard not too sometimes. Thanks again for your help. Have a good holiday weekend! <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

 
Old 05-27-2001, 06:02 PM   #4
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eweejoe HB User
Re: Is he gay?

If you're getting the "run around" when you try to talk to him then maybe there are deeper issues. I know it is easy for me looking from the outside in, but when my hubby was 'ignoring' me I was CONSTANTLY talking about it to him. I know he got sick of hearing about it, but I needed to know what his problem was. (your hubby wouldn't happen to be a computer programmer would he..ha ha ha). I never really got my answers directly, just sorta had to sort through what info I did get occasionally during our 'talks'. BUT we've only been together for four years. I guess you might want to think back over the course of your relationship. Is this something that has been ongoing, or did it start later on? Have you ever suspected him of being unfaithful? You need answers and you're not going to get them until you insist that he tell you what is going on inside his mind. Even if he won't open up to you, you need to at least open up to him. Arrange for a baby sitter and make plans for the two of you to get away together. His lack of enthusiasm IS something that I would take personally. This is your life and your happiness we're talking about here. That should be important to him too. I feel (please correct me if I'm wrong) that you're missing the 'connection' instead of just the sex. He seems to be holding back emotionally and physically for some reason. I hope you can get to the bottom of it soon. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

Take Care.

Sherri.

 
Old 05-27-2001, 06:33 PM   #5
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sahmom HB User
Re: Is he gay?

Not a computer programmer, but he is getting his degree in computer science. LOL!
Well the only thing I can do is like you said, let him know my feelings. I think sometimes what the real issue is...is finding out from him what i don't want to know..my inner fears. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif"> He is a quite and shy person and very reserved. Hopefully something good will come out of this. We do need connect better, that is the truth. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

 
Old 05-30-2001, 10:00 AM   #6
 
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blockz HB User
Re: Is he gay?

hi sahmom,
There probably is a problem. But it could be just about anything. When you stand naked in front of him and he ignores you, what else is going on? Are you two talking about something pleasant, or about something negative? Lots of times that my girlfriend is standing there naked, she feels compelled to start critiqueing her body, and its always negative. Then when I complement her body's appearance, she tells me I'm lieing. If I don't complement, she tells me I'm wrong not to. Can't win. I'm assuming that when you get naked in front of him, you're doing it as a hint to him that you would like to have sex. Are you possibly dropping negative hints before that? My girlfriend will spend hours telling me about how rotten she feels that day. Then she will drop some hint that she wants to have sex. I'll miss it, because I've assumed, after hearing how bad her arms, legs, and back ache, that she is not interested. It's like all of a sudden I'm supposed to ignore the last two hours of physical complaints and totally focus and the single small positive hint. Could this be the case with you guys? I've tried ignoring my girlfriends complaints so that I can better see any hints she may drop. Now, she says that I just want to have sex without respect to how she feels. Still can't win. You say your ex was attacking you everyday. Remember, he is now your EX for some reason. Are you saying you want your husband to emulate your EX? If you have told him this, he could be resentful about it. Also, in another post, you say you have a low sex drive. Shouldn't this make the two of you more compatible? Remember the old adage, 'Be careful what you ask for, you may get it.' If your husband's sex drive were to suddenly go into overdrive, like your ex's, I doubt that would make you happy. Your low sex drive would still be there. It seems to me that most women with low sex drives, married to men with high sex drives, don't consider their men's drives as a positive thing. Actually, many seem to resent it. You say you have seen him 'checking out' other guys. What does 'checking out' mean? Does he go talk to these guys? Hang out with them? Flirt with them? Or just look at them? I work out at a gym, and I look at the other guys all the time. (I am not gay.) Usually, I just find myself admiring their physique, wishing I were so lucky. Does this make me gay? Of course not. You say you called him on this a while back. If it were me, I would resent the implication. He probably knows what you were driving at, and is probably hurt or angry. Do you look at other girls? Do you compare your hair or breasts to the hair or breasts of other girls? I think most women do. Does that make you gay? Does that make it ok for someone to question your sexuality? Try to imagine how you would feel if your husband suggested to you that you were gay because you said you liked the way another woman's breasts looked. Then, how would you feel, if, to support that suggestion, your husband reminded you that you also have a low sex drive? You'd probably feel emotionally beat up on. Perhaps that's how he feels. Also, you say he doesn't pay attention to pretty girls in front of you. Take it from a guy. No surprise there! I wouldn't ogle a woman in front of my girlfriend either. She'd castrate me on the spot. I'm confused. Are you actually saying that you want your husband to start ogling women right in front of you? Do you actually hear what you are suggesting? I don't ogle women in front of my girlfriend (or my mom either) out of respect. It is common courtesy. Isn't it? Yet, you seem to be saying you want your husband to be this way. I have one question. Did your EX ogle women in front of you? (I'm going to guess yes.) Is it possible that you want your husband to be more like your ex? Is that what you really want? If yes, you should still be married to your ex. I think you are overreacting. From the way you sound, one would think you found a gay porno magazine under his pillow, or saw him coming out of a gay bar. But all you have really described is - he has a low sex drive (like you), and you've seen him look at other guys, (like I do, and I am not gay).

 
Old 05-30-2001, 10:41 AM   #7
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redfox HB User
Re: Is he gay?

I don't really think she's saying she wants her husband to ogle other women in front of her. I think she's just worried that he doesn't notice pretty women-- most of all, her. My hubby and I had a similar situation, and it just turned out that he had had a drop in his testosterone. He got some supplemental shots, and he's a different person. I understand that it must be horribly uncomfortable for a man to discuss his lack of sex drive, but when you're married, you need to be able to talk about anything and everything. He may feel crappy about the low sex drive, but take it from me, it makes the woman feel just as bad. I spent a lot of time worrying that I wasn't interesting, but here it turns out that it had nothing to do with that.

 
Old 05-30-2001, 11:00 AM   #8
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Roger100 HB User
Re: Is he gay?

sahmom

I think you definitely need to talk to him.
MAybe he does have a self esteem, sex drive problem and is embarrassed about it. There are almost always cures, even if he needs to take pills.

I may have taken your words too literally,
however I would just like to point out that standing stark naked in front of the guy is a turn off to some guys including me. Even if the girl has a good figure and an alround tan, I get turned on much more by tight jeans, skimpy cloths, hot pants, short tank tops etc. This gets our imagination and brain going much more. From there I like to take the cloths of myself.

 
Old 06-01-2001, 06:47 PM   #9
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joseca HB User
Re: Is he gay?

Or maybe he is in fact gay.
As the gay man I am, I know how hard it is to come out in this our society, and many people try to live their lives with what it seems its right, that includes getting married and having children. You wouldnt be the first woman that has been used to hide what the man really is.
It would also be very possible that your husband is bisexual gay, and he feels equal attraction to both men and women.

Whatever it is, it's clear that there is something wrong there and you should find out what that is.

 
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