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Old 06-11-2001, 01:05 AM   #1
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Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

Its about 2 in the morning here and I just slithered in through the backyard door and now I'm sitting here quite puzzled. This is the first place I decided to come to to let all my problems and thoughts come out (since so many people here are so willing to help). I know this might be on the wrong board, but there is sex stuff so yeah <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> Plus, I like this board. I may be acting goofy since I smoked a few cigarettes for the first time in a while and seem to have gotten a little buzz from them.

A few days ago I UNFORTUNATELY lost my virginity but I am currently pretending it never happened and that is the way I will look at it for the rest of my life since I did not actually give myself away, but simply made a poor decision but i dunno what i was talking about but lets just say i'm a virgin who had sex a few days ago. Well, tonight, an ex-gf of mine wanted to hang out (we still hang out occasionally) and things went CRAZY.... she has a bf now and they've been going out for 3 months (keep in mind I broke up with her, not vice versa). Anyway, we start watching a movie and she wants to take a pic in the dark like under the blanket cuz she says that we'll see only white for like a minute or something if its done right. So anyway we get all close and then things went crazy. After a little foreplay we were about to go all the way (without a condom AGAIN - not a good idea) and I find myself saying no. She wanted to have sex quite badly, but I said no and we just talked a little bit, kissed, and then she left after playing around a little bit longer.

I then came upstairs and started thinking. What is going on here? Before this school year started (its now summer vacation and the school year has ended) I was so pure. Never smoked anything, never done drugs, never had any alcohol, never done anything indecent with girls etc. With each continuing year, things get better for me. I become more sociable every year, meet more new people every year etc. Well, that held true for this year too, but I also got drunk 5-7 times, started smoking cigarettes socially (a few every month or so), and started doing some regretful things with girls. Now this confuses me. Should I be regretful? Until now, I always felt that I was a good guy, and I am. Most of my friends are girls, my best friend is a girl and she has a large impact on me. Anyway, then I got to thinking tonight. Is sex bad? Should I really just wait for the right person? I can't help but feel left out by refusing sex other sexual 'pleasures'. Is sex really so special that it should be saved for someone you truly care about? Or is it just like basketball? You just join up in a game regardless of who's playing just to play for fun. Just cuz the game is fun. Sex is fun, does it really matter who you're 'playing' with? Deep down, I know it does. But I've begun to doubt myself and am in dire need of reinforcement before I do something I truly regret.

Usually when i'm out of touch with my best friend, I feel like I sometimes slip down the wrong path. She keeps me on the right path usually, but am I going down the wrong path? By partying every now and then (very sparingly now) and such. Or fooling around with girls? Why do I do it? Sometimes I feel that I do it to hurt her cuz if she found out, she would be hurt. She has a bf, but we love each other as friends and sometimes, I know this seems weird, I have thoughts of indirectly playing people so that they're jealous over something related to me. It feels good for a second and then I get ****** at myself inside and chastize myself for thinking such thoughts. I guess that's why thoughts like those rarely occur at all anymore. And plus, I would never even think about doing anything closely related to any negative thought I had.

Oh yeah, I like my best friend as more than a friend, I think... I don't know. SOmetimes I feel that I 'chill' with girls just to get her off my mind (we were going out for a very short period of time and then returned to being best friends and she found a new bf shortly after and is still going out with him now. I am not jealous at all). I think to myself "the perfect way to get her off your mind is another gf" is this a true assumption? What should I do about the situation? Is it even a situation?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm blowing things out of control or if what i'm thinking is a concern to myself is indeed a concern to myself. Am I really going down the wrong path? Or am I just being a normal teen? I feel that I am in good shape. I am actually very happy right now and having an awesome summer vacation. I am happy at the moment cuz I know I realize there is a problem and I know that that is the first step in fixing it. For example, even though I've only been drunk around five times or so, after the fifth time, I told myself I would stop and I havne't had any alchol since. Should I do the same about the current situation with girls?

I'm currently really confused about girls and sex and all this stuff. I'm 17 and I wasn't confused about it this much until now. I"m not stressed out at all, just curious. I have so many friends that are girls, am I missing out by not pursuing them so that they are something more? Am I being left behind or left out? That's how I felt after tonight. Am I not living to my full potential? How special is sex really? Any advice would be helpful, but just typing this out and getting it off my chest has releived me quite a bit. Thanks for listening to me whining, hehe <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> Well, for those who made it this far, congragulations.

PS - I regret not using a condom the first time and I plan on getting tested, even though I am almost 100% sure she doesn't have a disease, just for closure. I don't talk to her anymore because that would be odd. We barely knew each other at the time <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif"> But from what I heard when we were friends, she's only had a few sexual partners and all used condoms and all but two was a virgin, but I want closure and closure i'll get tomorrow <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

Thanks for listening all, and to those who just scrolled to the bottom ummmm thanks for clicking on the post <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> It's bed time for my goofy self so goodnight.

 
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Old 06-11-2001, 03:52 AM   #2
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Re: Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

You raise many questions tonight since you're in that philosophical "pondering" mindset. There is no way I can answer each one. So let me try to reassure you just a bit. Sounds like you are a perfectly normal, adolescent male. Sex is fun, you're questioning how important. It's very important, you are the one who decides how much a part of your life it is. You've got many years to "enjoy" so when you make the choice to become sexual, understand that it is your choice and you can be sexual with whomever you'd like, and anytime you'd like. Noone "has" to do it, and we all have to decide whether it is right or moral for us as individuals. I personally think it should be saved for a committed relationship. Also, it's not uncommon for guys to question it after losing their virginity. So again, you sound perfectly normal. IT does change you, you may find yourself after it more, you'll have to be in control and not let IT control you. My concern is that you are careful and when/if you do go there again that you have condoms available...you don't really know what's out there. Now for the "partying" and such. I do think it's normal to experiment. Sounds like you've been doing some binge drinking (more than 5 drinks in a 2 hour period) that led to intoxication. THis can be a sign that at some point you may lose the ability to control it, so I'd be very careful. The cigs and pot are dangerous, especially the cigarettes. I work in a school as a counselor so I know what a difficult time kids have stopping the smoking behavior. My advice is to be careful and make good decisions based on what feels right to you. Life is like a basketball game, some of us play it well and are successful. Others don't play well and don't listen to the coaches direction (anyone you want the coach or coaches to be!) Take it a day at a time and enjoy it. Think through things before you act and you'll have a better game. Hope that some of this helps, but I think you're right....just writing it down probably helped quite a bit. By the way, it takes a pretty big man to turn down sex when it's right in his face! That tells me that you're still in control!

 
Old 06-11-2001, 11:38 AM   #3
 
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Re: Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

I am an 18 year old girl and until my senior year I was a nice pure virgin. I had sex, began to drink, and started to smoke. At the time it was fun but now I think back and wish I could erase it all. Fortunately I am back to being a good kid now. I didn't wait until I met the right guy to have sex which bothers me but I have found him now and the past doesn't matter. Your mistakes are a learning experience and everybody makes them. You are young and expected to do stupid things. Learn from your mistakes and know that you don't have to feel guilty about being a teenager and doing what everybody else does! You seem very intelligent and responsible and you have done nothing wrong.

 
Old 06-11-2001, 06:32 PM   #4
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Re: Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

Like the previous posts are saying, I agree... you are completely normal. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> The fact that you are questioning yourself and wondering whether you are doing the "right" thing shows you have a conscience.

I went off to college when I had just turned 17. Through high school I didn't get in any sort of trouble but as soon as I got to college, I started the partying thing too. I enjoyed myself, but at the same time, I still did things I felt were right for myself. I don't regret anything I did. I set limits for myself - I wasn't going to be a bookworm, but I wasn't going to go crazy wild and regret my past for the rest of my life.

For me, sex was too "crazy" to be with just anybody. I did other things leading up to it, but the only person I ever actually had sex with is my now-husband. I felt that it was the most special thing I could ever share with someone and it was worth saving for the right person. After we had dated for a while, I knew he was very special and it was worth it. The risks of pregnancy and STDs were too great for sex to be played around with.

I would suggest that you just need to trust your heart. If you don't want to have sex with anyone for a while, until you think the time is right, then just stick by your guns. You can still have fun and stay safe - if you're going to have sex, make sure you've got a condom... And partying (drinking/drugs), you can definitely have fun and still stay safe (like not getting behind the wheel).

Live life to the fullest - you only live once. But try to make it last long too. <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

By the way, I think it's great that you have females as platonic friends. Some of my best friends are guys, and unlike the movie "When Harry Met Sally", sex DOESN'T always get in the way. *lol*

 
Old 06-13-2001, 11:00 AM   #5
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Re: Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

well, you sound to me and others like a perfectly normal teenager, the teenage years are always the most confusing and almost like a mid life chrisis, you osund like many of my friends, I personally am not like that because I had a very good, and scary, example of why not to do things like drinking and smoking for fear of gettin caught. You sound perfectly normal, all teens sometime have girl probs and go through identity problems. Should I do this? what if they dont like me? sound familiar? they should. just remember, if you ever get so far to thinking of doing something totally wrong, talk to someone before doing anything. There are people out there just like you.

 
Old 06-14-2001, 01:35 PM   #6
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Re: Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

This may sound strange, but here it goes. I was a virgin at 25 when I got married, I never smoked, never did drugs, I always worked hard to get to University, I have an excellent job and I have the house and car and family everyone seems to want. In short, I did it just like they say. But, as I look back on it now, I regret not taking more chances to have fun. If I could do it over again, and boy I sure wish I could, I wouldn't sweat the small stuff and I would have taken some of those opportunities to experience the joys of life.

So what I say to you is this: you only have one life to live, so live it well, have some fun, even if that sometimes goes against your so called better judgement. In the end, we all have regrets, so don't worry about that.

"Don't worry! Be Happy!"

 
Old 06-14-2001, 02:01 PM   #7
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Re: Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

Hi sweetie. You sound really normal to me. You've gotten some good advice. There is something I want to add, however. Forget the cigarets. Before you know it, you won't have a choice about when or if you smoke. It is an addiction that some say is harder to kick than hard drugs. If you do smoke, the cigarets will kill you one way or another-- heart attack, stoke, cancer, etc., and maybe way sooner than you planned. Also, as you get older, you will meet women that you are attracted to that won't be attracted to you because of the smell. I understand why you have cigarets with your friends. But believe me, if you continue, you won't be able to get rid of them. Take it from someone who knows-- my mom died way too young of a heart attack. It was because she smoked Pall Mall cigarets like a chimney. Just my two cents.

 
Old 06-17-2001, 07:47 AM   #8
 
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Re: Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

I agree with the others....you sound like a completely normal teenager to me!!!
You're at a tough age, dear......on the brink of becoming an adult with all the adult decisions and dilemnas that come with it, but still enough of a child to be worried and confused by them. Of course, that's pretty much how it works no matter WHAT your age; life is just downright confusing sometimes!
The best advice I can give you is to trust your instincts. You seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders (certainly more than I did at your age!!) and if you listen to your gut it will keep you on the right path.

 
Old 06-17-2001, 07:24 PM   #9
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Re: Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

Hey all, just wanted to let you know that I'm still here and that I read these healthboards daily. Anyway, I wanted to thank you all for the advice! After thinking about it myself and reading your advice, I am pretty much straightened out right now. And by 'straightened out' I mean not nearly as confused as I was. Of course, there will always be thing's that confuse me, but I am much less confused than I was before. I'm enjoying my summer vacation immensely and being pretty responsible, while having loads of fun.

redfox - your post really hit deep. In fact I hadn't had a cigarette in about a week or two before reading your post and after reading your post, I don't think I'll be smoking anymore ever, if I have my way. In fact, last night I went to a friend's party and turned down many a cigarette <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif"> So I guess I know I'm not addicted. However, I do sometimes get a sudden urge for one at random times. I usually end up smoking a few cigarettes a month and after I haven't smoked for two weeks, I get a craving and become fidgity and such and in fact I had one a few days ago. I'm happy to say, I've never bought cigarettes for myself, or plan on doing so and I would like to thank you for giving me some very good advice <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

Other than that, I'm doing fine and I have quite a few prospects that I'm 'getting to know' so things are looking good! And I'll be sure to keep a level head, thanks once again for the advice all!

 
Old 06-18-2001, 04:00 AM   #10
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Re: Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

Glad to know your summer is going good! I think that some confusion is normal at your age. Its a tough time with so many things happening. Sorta like you're still a "kid" but all these adult decisions are needing to be made. And everyone is expecting you to be an adult and be independent, but you're not quite sure how to do that. We've all been there and done it! Take it easy on yourself. Think through big decisions and have fun. You sound as though you've got a good head on those shoulders...so use it! Keep in touch!

 
Old 06-18-2001, 03:51 PM   #11
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Re: Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

I just got home from work and am about to drive to a local Planned Parenthood to see if they can test me for a discounted price.

Other than that, the only thing really bugging me is my relationship with my parents. In elementary school, I was VERY close to my parents. I was the guy whose mom was head of the PTA and who came to our little class partys and brought her famous brownies and such. In short, I was a mama's boy. Therefore, my transition to middle school was very tough. I got picked on very badly during my 7th grade year and pretty badly as well during my 8th grade year. During those years I estranged my parents somewhat, probably as a result of my dropping self-esteem. However, I adapted, and high school has been GREAT. Every year just gets better and better and while I am quite the social guy now, I find my relationship with my parents is somewhat limited. I never talk to them about girls, friends, problems, etc. I talk to them when I need something or when I need to tell them something (ie going out, going to work, etc) and arguing with them occasionally. I usually argue with them once a day over something small and its just a small little argument, nothing monumental. But I feel guilty because I feel that i mistreat them. They are VERY VERY good parents, always looking out for me and my sister even if we give them crap sometimes or talk rudely to them sometimes or hurt their feelings sometimes and no matter what they are always looking out for us, making sure we're ok, making sure we have the best, even if we fight it sometimes. But something is keeping me from changing my ways and I'm not sure what. I haven't told them I loved them in forever and I can't just bring myself to make so drastic a change overnight and I'm pretty sure its not my ego that's keeping me from doing it and I do recognize the problem so I don't know what it is.

Anyway, just thought I'd get that off my chest too. I feel significantly better about things after I type them out and while I didn't really ask any questions, the purpose was simply to get it off my chest and make me feel a lil bit better <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif">

Well, there is another thing that I think I'll get off my chest as well. My best guy friend (and probably best overall friend as well) is this guy I've known since 3rd grade. We're pretty much alike, think the same, never fight etc... however, I feel kinda guilty. Whenever he starts to like a girl and starts 'talking' to her ('talking' = teen term for that stage prior to dating), he introduces her to me sometime or another and that has lead to a history of not so good stuff. This one girl he was 'talking' to was introduced to me and we started talking and hanging out all the time and it drove him insanely jealous or made him insanely uncomfortable to say the least. I would have felt the same way. Anyway, we became best friends and a while later she told my friend she didn't want a boyfriend at the moment and so that left bad blood between him and her (he cared about her a lot) and then later me and her started going out which was kept a secret. We only went out for a few weeks anyway and then decided that being best friends was a bit better, but I still like her. Anyway, after that, he met this other girl and he took every measure to make sure that I never said a word to her which hurt me because I felt that he didn't trust me. So then they ended up going out and then breaking up several months later and now he's talking to another girl who I recently met, STRONGLY against his will (it was an accidental meeting actually) and now I talk to her tons and hang out with her and I think I like her and I think she might like me too but I'm not sure. Am I a bad person for this? I can't help but feel that I'm backstabbing my friend. I feel that I'm losing a little bit of my morals. This is further reinforced by the fact that I fooled around a bit with my ex-gf who now has a bf and felt little guilt afterwards <IMG SRC="http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif">

Well, unfortunately, I am a fast typer and seem to type things as I think them which means I tend to type very long messages. Sorry for the excessively long message, just wanted to get a few things off my chest. Well, i'm off for now, later.

 
Old 06-18-2001, 05:51 PM   #12
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Re: Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

Just something to think about as far as your parents go...There is a real good chance that you will grow up to be a parent..
So just look at it like, how would I want to be treated if I was in their shoes...
But at least, you have to be respectful to them. They have invested 17 yrs of their life into you and tons of cash...
You may not have a lot of common interest with them but show them some attention and small affection once in awhile..
I don't think you have to tell them that you love them everyday, but every once in awhile on a Holiday or their birthday, say it to them...
Also realize that you won't be living with them too much longer anyway, so you might as well make the best of it...

Be cool...and be nice to the ladies...

 
Old 06-18-2001, 09:02 PM   #13
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Re: Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

I just read your comments about your relationship with your parents and thought they sounded quite familliar to me. I'm 29 now and have never been closer to my folks but I went through some tough teenage years with them. I think its perfectly normal for someone your age to have some conflict with his parents. You're becoming an independent adult and finding yourself. This is a hard age for them and you I'm sure! I personally found myself growing closer after I left home for college. I was living on my own and felt like an adult. My parents started treating me like an adult rather than their "little boy"-lol. Give it some time and I think that you'll see your relationship improve! By the way, you seem pretty sharp and well-spoken. I was an idiot at your age (some might say I still am-LOL) Good luck!

 
Old 06-19-2001, 05:45 AM   #14
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Re: Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

Your relationship with your folks sounds much like all other teens and their parents. It's a phase we all go through when we are establishing independence and they are trying to let go. Things will be fine, there is nothing to worry about! The situation with your best bud is also very common. Don't know why he's so jealous except that maybe you are a threat to him. Just be cool and let him "be in charge" and try not to "steal" his girl! You've learned one important lesson in life....either talk through stuff or write it out, that gets it off your chest and you don't hold things in. THis helps you maintain some sanity and will be a skill you'll need in life's really tough times!

 
Old 06-19-2001, 08:43 AM   #15
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Re: Help! (warning: only if you want to advise a puzzled teen on sex) :)

wow, what a post. I don't really know what advice to give you because for this sort of topic there is generally no RIGHT thing to say because what is right for me may not be right for you. I can tell you what went on for me and what decisions I made and perhaps my experiences will help you make the decisions that are right for YOU.

I just left my teens behind (I'm 21) and thank god I'm finally done being a teenager! Throughout my highschool career I had fun, I had a lot of friends, I did well in school, I was basically happy. But I was constantly confused, always doubting my decisions wondering if I was doing the right thing or the wrong thing. I lost my virgininy when I was 15 (big mistake) and I didn't have sex again until last year (when I was 20) and I'm GLAD I made that decision to wait until I was ready. I called myself a "born-again virgin" kind of like you :-) I'm not going to tell you that you should or shouldn't wait for the right person, etc. but I will say you SHOULD wait until YOU'RE ready to have sex again. When I finally had sex again it was with my current boyfriend and I knew I wasn't in love with him and we'd never be together forever but it was still the right time for me and i'm glad i did it.

I also partied A LOT in highschool (and even more now) but I don't think i'm a bad person!! I'll admit I like to drink, smoke (pot, not cigarettes) and dabble in other "substances" (Shrooms, Ecstacy, etc.) I know the chances I'm taking, dangers and consequences, but I still choose to do them because I don't think it's wrong and I'm not hurting anyone else (or myself at the moment) I don't think i'm a bad person for having fun, because i'm just having fun, nothing has taken over my life or interfered or hurt me or anyone that I love and that's what matters most. I still do well in school (college now) and I still have a lot of fun and i'm still healthy. So I don't think it's wrong.

These are all just personal opinions, I don't think having sex befor marraige is wrong, or sex with someone you don't love is wrong, but sex befor you're ready I think is wrong because you'll only regret it later. I don't think drinking or smoking is wrong unless it's really interfering with your life (which it doesn't seem to be). Don't worry about being pure, or perfect, because no matter what you do in life and what decisions you make I can guarantee that they won't ALL be right, because no one is perfect. Your feelings are normal, and more than that, they are COMMON! I can't give you any advice as to how to get over all your feelings because I can tell you they sure won't go away, but you can get THROUGH them, but you must know yourself and be true to yourself, don't worry about what other people are doing and saying, make sure whatever you do is for yourself.

(sorry this was so long!!)

------------------
~All work and no play is totally missing the point!~

 
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