Get ready for a long one... Well, I never actually though that I could be gay or anything like that (I'm 18),but about 3 months ago one of my female friends had me meet one of her friends that is gay. I didnt really talk to him, but later he told her that he's sure when someones gay and he said that I definetely am, but I'm hiding it or "trying not to be." See, the thing is I've always liked girls, I have had huge crushes on girls, and I have never liked a guy. I had a tiny curiosity about it, but ever since that guy said that about me, I've been totally re-evaluating myself, thinking I might be gay. Lately I've been thinking a lot about it, and I realize that sometimes I like guys (I think, I don't know, I'm confused), but most of the time it's girls. But whats confusing is the fact that I've never thought about liking guys until that guy said that. Basically what I'm asking is what does being gay mean? I think everybody is somewhat attracted to the same sex, and although I am, I dont think I could like fall in love with a guy or even have a crush on one. But maybe I'm wrong... anyways, please respond with any kind of comments or advice, because I really don't know what to think right now and it's really distressing. Thanks.
First let me tell you that only you can know if you are gay or not. Not matter what people think or say, it won't change anything.
A well accepted definition for gay is when a person feels an attraction for other people of his/her same sex.
The sexual orientation of a person is a continuum that ranges from strictly heterosexual to strictly homosexual, with all the steps in between like bisexual. It is also accepted to use the term 'gay' for those people that are not strictly heterosexual.
All studies indicate that approximately 10% of the population is not strictly heterosexual, so I would say that being into that group is not that unusual.
Lots of people deny their sexuality because of the social prejudice and fear to be rejected by everybody. Everything seems to indicate that sexual orientation is fixed at an early stage of the life of a person (may be it has even biological origin), and this is important CANNOT BE CHANGED (all studies that claim to have changed people's sexual orientation are usually flawed in one way or another)
So if you feel after reading this that you're gay, don't feel ashamed or worried. It's normal and there is nothing wrong with it.
Incidentally, I am gay, and I have been since my memory can remember. However I didnt become fully aware of it maybe until my 18s, basically because we live in a very straight world.
Last take a look at this interesting resource about sexual orientation from the APA: <A HREF="http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/answers.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/answers.html</A>
This is very good advice Punkrocker. (joseca's post)
You said you've had huge crushes on females, I suppose it could be possible you might be bi-sexual also. The thing is only you know who you are, and what you like.
From everything I've ever read about sexuality, nobody can just tell if someone else is gay or staight. The gay guy that told your friend "that he's sure when someones gay and he said that I definetely am, but I'm hiding it or "trying not to be." Can think anything he wants. But just because he thinks this doesn't mean anything.
It's up to you. What do you really think? If you truly feel you would never be able to love a man, but you do have feelings for them, then think about it more. What do you want out of life?
The important thing is to be happy with who you are. Gay, straight, bi. Be who you are.
OK, you're 18 and having second thoughts about your sexuality, thats not unusual! But it does not mean your gay, don't let one persons (that "friend of a friend")remarks influance you, be yourself, don't try to fake a life - either gay or streight. If everyone beleived what others think about them the World would be more screwed up than it is now. I'm streight/married/50 guy.
Relax, and remember if you have strong feelings for someone (male or female)not just sex - go for it and enjoy life and all it has to offer you.
Gaydar is a nice party trick, but it's no reason to get concerned or to question yourself.
If you're curious about guys and can admit you're curious, I don't see how you could be hiding or in denial.
Define gay? That's a tough one. In as basic a description as possible, gay or straight is not about who you find attractive or even who you sleep with. If you can have a long-term relationship with a guy and can fall in love with a guy, you're gay, or at least bisexual. If you find guys attractive, that's normal. I know I would not personally believe that I look good and every other guy in the world doesn't, but I do know guys (we all do) who refuse to admit another guy is attractive.
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>All studies indicate that approximately 10% of the population is not strictly heterosexual, so I would say that being into that group is not that unusual.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
From what I've heard, only 5% of the population is strictly heterosexual and 5% strictly homosexual, though I guess it depends on how we define that.<p>[This message has been edited by Shane (edited 06-12-2001).]
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>From what I've heard, only 5% of the population is strictly heterosexual and 5% strictly homosexual, though I guess it depends on how we define that.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
That's why I said it depends on how you define it (it was the word "strictly" that had me choose those numbers). I was not suggesting that most people are bisexual. Think of sexuality as a scale. With a 1, you've got people who cannot get excited over the opposite sex. With a 10, you've got people who cannot get excited over the same sex. Each of those is a very small percentage of the population. Most of the population will fall somewhere in the range of 7, 8, and 9, whether they openly admit it or not. That could range from just thinking someone of the same sex is attractive to experimenting with people of the same sex. Most people, however, would not act on such impulses or curiosities, whether because there is really nothing to act on or because they are afraid to act on them. This is just like most gays probably would not act on impulses toward members of the opposite sex.
Of course, if you look at the scale for women, then it shifts some. Most women have no problem admitting that other women are attractive. It's almost expected. Many men expect that not only that, but that women will enjoy sex with women. That I suppose could be labeled as bisexual by some, though I wouldn't consider a woman a bisexual just because she has sex with another woman.
If we get into true bisexuals, then that is also a very small part of the population. It is rare to be able to go either way... being able to end a long term relationship with a guy to go out with a girl, only to end that to go out with a guy.<p>[This message has been edited by Shane (edited 06-12-2001).]
I would just like to add that I have no problems with gay people at all, I think gays should be able to get married and all that. It's just hard going through this confusion because its hard to question who you are. I don't know where I stand right now, lately I've been thinking bisexual, but I still don't know. I mean maybe I should experiment with guys and see if I like it, if I don't, or even if I can go through with it. I just have to know but it's still hard. I know I'll get through it. But anyways, thanx for the advice. Keep posting though, I want more input.
Punkrocker, no one said that this has to be easy. It's very normal to be confused when you realize that may be your sexual orientation is not like the majority of people.
It's also perfectly normal for your age to be asking these kind of questions.
At the end, this is what 'coming out' is all about: knowing where you are and reaffirm yourself in that belief.
Just go with your feelings, and time will help you to make sense of all this
Thinking about possibly enjoying sex with a guy does not make you homosexual . Neither does having a dream about it. Well I read that somewhere and wham that night I had a dream of having sex with a guy. It was awful. Then I knew I am definitely straight. Anyhow as far as I am concerned you are only gay if you can have a relationship with a guy. For that you need to actually falliin love with a guy and get jealous of his boyfriend or girlfriend. Somebody can't just come into a room and conclude you are gay. This happens to a friend of mine as well. He is 25 and wears cloths that a 13 year olds would wear and has a really crap hairstyle. Still he is not gay.
Punkrocker you could still be homosexual, but don't let that other guy confuse you.
When you say you think you like guys, it's normal. Men can have strong feelings toward men, friendship, whatever, without being gay.
You can love your dad or a best friend without it being gay. There's no sexual desire. Humans just have affection for each other, that's natural. Anyway, I think I know exactly what you mean by being confused about liking guys. I would say that if you have no desire to have sex with a guy then your probably not gay at all. Just think of other things, do you notice a guy's butt or eyes or anything a girl would notice? Or do you not even have any idea of what makes a male butt "nice."
You'll probably figure it out. With all the talk of everyone being gay or bisexual etc. it can make you question yourself. That might be a good thing, because once you have an answer you'll have more confidence in who you are.
In my case, I get a hard on when I see some kind of guys. With girls, my pecker doesnt even move. In fact I can't remember a single time where some big boobs, or a very cute chick excited me in any way.
I guess that is what makes me gay.<p>[This message has been edited by joseca (edited 06-13-2001).]