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Old 06-08-2012, 07:49 PM   #1
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Unhappy woman needs mans view on sex addiction

ok, i have been married to my high school sweet heart since '98. we are in our later 30s. I JUST found out that he has a pornography issue that has been going on since at LEAST 2010 (i have caught him on two seperate occations but brushd it off) until our cable got shut off, even tho we should have been caught up, come to find out everyday he orders movies (not always cheap ones). I feel like he has lead a double life, and hurts me so much that i want a seperation I am extreamly depressed, i dont know if he has ever acted upon these fantasies or even what kind of porn he has been watching (to scared to know). He admitted to watching it (not as much as i know, the cable lady told me). here we are on the verge of losing our house, he does not realize or care that he is on the verge of losing me. the thing is we had this really long talk that i actually thought had opened up new doors. well, i thought everything was good, that was two days ago, because i had surgery and i didnt want to possibly leave this world with the letter i had written him while i was in COMPLETE shock. so surgery was yesterday, had a hard time sleeping for a few days now, and i came downstairs this am, to find him masturbating...still no cable....so he has an issue with porn and masturbating. i have been left in the dust romantically. no hugs, no kisses before bed or when walking in door, and when come up and give him a hug he rolls his eyes, its quick, and obviously painful for him and says he has to go work ( i know why he is working so much now, save the house, porn adds up quickly, esp. expensive ones). the fact that i caught him in a dark room downstairs masturbating disturbes me alot considering the talk we JUST had. i dont understand how he does not see a problem, yet he "felt so much better" when i found out about the porn 4 days ago. then how i caught him this am, after our heart to heart just tears me apart. i dont understand this and feel like dust in the wind. i am single yet married? what do i do? he says he will go to therapy, my thing is, will he be honest? i dont know how far this has actually went (did he have an affair with other women, does he fantasize when he have relations, what goes thru his mind, is he gay, does he like children, why is he ready to let go of everything because of this, etc...i can not trust him anymore, i do not want to be in a marriage where i have to compete with porn or his masturbation, and feel so alone, i have emotional needs, that would help me be more interested yet he pushes me away. any former addicts or someone out there that knows anything about what runs thru someones head? i need help i am in such a funk, i dont know how much longer i can take it. i want to be married like i was not single yet cant date, if you get what i mean. im lonely as hell, depressed as hell, and can not go on like this, i have health issues all related to stress and now this is the biggest stress for me so far i need answers, from someone how has been there, or understands, something.

 
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Old 06-09-2012, 08:26 AM   #2
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Re: woman needs mans view on sex addiction

Please someone reply, i am on the brink of losing my mind, i am losing my mind, please help me understand this!

 
Old 06-10-2012, 12:05 AM   #3
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Re: woman needs mans view on sex addiction

First thing you have to know that many men watching porn movies, not only your husband.
Some watch them with wife for exciting and learning and this not a big problem
But when it’s come to watch such porn to satisfying himself and end by masturbating then this problem.
You have to know what is behind watching these films , what is the reason for this, set with him discuss this issue with him, try to understand his desires
You are married for 14 years and your life needs refreshment and new things to be added in your asexual life, routine life is boring mainly in sex.
Try to know what kind of porno he is watching, may be he is watching something missed between you and him, something he wish to have with you.

I think you should be closer to your husband and understand the needs and desires
Another issue I don’t know about your health condition and if it doesn’t not allow him to enjoy having sex with you especially if sex has a bad effect on your health and so because he loves you he doesn’t want to hurt you

 
Old 06-10-2012, 04:23 PM   #4
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Re: woman needs mans view on sex addiction

First thing to know about men. We think about sex all the time. That means all the time. Is there something in your relationship that would cause him to think that he could not ask for sex. If he has been romantically distant is there something that changed your relationship or things you noticed in him that have changed. His porn habit is a problem and I don't think that he is going to change. Men love porn. All of us do. The question you have to ask yourself is this. Can you rebuild your relationship and rekindle what you once had or do you need to find someone else. He seems to love the TV and the girls on TV more than you. If he is not willing to be honest with you about what he is doing it is best to start yourself for life without him.

You could also offer to spice up your love life a bit by doing some fun things that you are comfortable with. Always keeping your dignity and respect and always with the understanding that you will not do anything that violates your dignity. If your husband is not responsive to these offers of more love and affection from you it is time to move on.

Good Luck.

 
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Old 06-10-2012, 06:34 PM   #5
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Re: woman needs mans view on sex addiction

my health condition has made me lose 60lbs. i was constantly sick, however, this has been going on a loooooooooong time, i start to wounder if it was rright in the beginning of our marriage. for me, no romance, does not make me want to give it up. and when he goes upstairs, and texts me "come jerk me off so i can sleep" isnt really a selling point for me either. he has turned to tv and masturbating, instead of turning to me. there are many times i have tried to spice up our sex life, i have even told him what would make me want to have sex more. (more forplay), a hug and a kiss goodnight, or anytime really, i want to be acknowleged. it is hard for me when he has basically treated me like (in my view) garbage or just a peice of meat. i have tried in different ways to improve our marriage, but i get no response back, other than WOW i loved that massage it put me right to sleep, he walks in the door and i go to give him a hug and he rolls his eyes. i have done enough research to realize its an addiction, he needs to lean on me not tv. i told him i called the lawyer, because of all this, it has been like he has lead a double life and i dont know or never knew my childhood sweetheart (ive even tried to watch it with him, he was very uncomfortable). he says he does not want a seperation, i make him happy, he loves me to death, he says he will go to counceling, but from what i have read its a real problem when it is an addiction. i dont know or have a clue as to the movies he watches. i will say i wont do no 3 some if thats what it is or include anyone else in our 'marriage'. im very hurt, and dealing with depression, ocd, and other health issues im lost. we are ready to lose our house, (all that money could have gone to Mortgage). for a while i was on seroquel, which made me not want sex, (but this has been going on before that, im sure). i will take some blame but definately not all. how did it get this far? i guess love is blind. the stress is killing me. ive tried to spice things up before i knew all this, because i know it can get boring, but apparently i am not good enough, and i cant compete with the ladies on tv. and i cant just get turned on at a drop of a dime. romance me in ways, foreplay please. im stuck i do not know if i can win this and i am literally torn.

 
Old 06-15-2012, 08:20 PM   #6
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Re: woman needs mans view on sex addiction

Like other have said, Men like porn. You need to understand that some men like porn to enhance their learning of pleasing their woman, but to tell that to women, they think u are crazy. Men like sex and they think about all the time especially when they are alone. So if you know the time he is always off from work stay with him, play with his Mr P, If he tries to be in his room by himself dont let it happen, go with him. Bring up a discussion in a frame that include" you know my female friend say, she and her boy friend watch it and it was fun" then say to him I know you like it to, what is your favorite one? This probing will allow you to know what is interest him the most. Send a text to him when is at work that Explicit sexually, see what is respond will be. Another thing is do you initiate sex or does he? if he does you need to change that, you dont need to wait for hug, just grab him and hug him, kiss him, bring his head to your breast, and grab is crouch like Michael jackson does. Tell him you are expecting him back to get freaky with you. If you dont initiate things with kind of people, the screen become their real friends. Talk sexual stuff randomly and frequently, this will get him talking about all the stuff in his brain. Take charge of your sexual life, by becoming a active participant and boss. Never Never let him sit alone or be alone on his day off from work, cos an idle mind is a devils workshop. Be very proactive in you finances because this kind of people will spend whatever amount it takes to get that pleasure they seeking for. Most importantly, try not to discuss your health problem if you are doing this stuff, that can turn him off. He loves you and probably know the stuff that makes you unhappy and he tries to do it secretly so that you dont get hurt.

 
Old 06-18-2012, 02:46 PM   #7
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Re: woman needs mans view on sex addiction

I can tell you flat out, he's been masturbating his whole life and will continue. Do you not do so yourself, if not, why? I feel it's an important part of everyone's sexual being. You speak of sex like you handing him some kind of gift referring to you "giving it up" to him. That's ridiculous. Who wants to feel like they need to ask or coax you to give him a "gift" when it comes time to "make love"? That actually doesn't sound like making love, it kind of sounds like you letting him "do you" with nothing whatsoever in it for you. Do you not orgasm when you make love? Isn't sex a pleasurable experience for you? If not, something's not right. You're both supposed to get something out of the interaction.

Lastly, you "catching" him and "talking" to him etc. sure sounds like you playing Mommy with him and I doubt either of you really enjoy it. Instead, try to understand what and why he does what he does. It should make you two closer..

In your defense, I agree that the money aspect of it is very irresponsible and it needs to stop. Also, comments he makes like come down and masturbate me isn't very nice and obviously does not make you want to do that or make love with him. He needs to understand that for sure. Lastly, do you guys make love very often and do you get pleasure from it. I'd say if you're sex life is half-way normal then let him be and carry on but if it's not (and I'm guessing it's not) then yes, changes need to be made by both of you. You both need to approach this issue as mature caring adults and things can be made to work but you'll both need to be onboard 100%

Good Luck!

Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-18-2012 at 05:42 PM. Reason: Terminology/unnecessary comments removed.

 
Old 06-28-2012, 11:01 AM   #8
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Re: woman needs mans view on sex addiction

Well, I feel for you and the pain you are going through. I'm married to a sex addict and have been for 25 years now. Its always been the same cycle.....get caught, beg, plead and promise never to do it again and I'd forgive and believe. I have no idea the extent of his addiction bc he travels for his job but I have found hidden porn movies, lingerie and he has been to the doctor bc "it hurt when he went pee" thing. I'm not stupid but I'm not letting him off the hook that easily either. He swears he wants no divorce, goes to classes at church when he's home for addiction and certainly always wants sex(which he no longer gets from me), but he married me and knew he had this problem before. He deceived me and never honored our marriage vows from the beginning. After some years of the pattern of his, I finally cheated. I felt all the things that you felt and feel now. Inadequate and horrified when I first found out. Truth is that its not about you. Its about him and his relationship with his penis. Even if he had the most beautiful woman in the world, he'd still want that feeling of euporia when he is taking the risk of getting caught. Its sad but I've lost all respect for institute of marriage. I simply dont believe in it anymore. I'm staying in it bc he owes me. That may sound so pathetic but I gave up all the years of my life, had his children, carried his burdens bc he's always been a weak man and so I feel he can take care of me for the rest of my life. I dont work, if we fall flat on our faces he can take another job for all I care. I've hurt so many times over and over again and it was my choice. I chose to trust him again and again. Finally, you build this wall up and they can't hurt you anymore. We are commanded by God to love others but nowhere are we commanded by Him to trust anyone. Trust has to proven. When someone cant be trusted, you simply stop trusting them and know they have serious issues. I dont cheat on him but I dont trust in him or have any kind of respect for him but giving him a divorce is not an option bc I believe God is going to handle this for me. I've put my trust in God the Father and not my husband. I'm sure my husband will see me to my grave bc he has so much guilt for ruining my life with his sexual addiction but not enough guilt to make him stop doing it so that tells me what kind of person he really is. You did nothing to make your husband the way he is. Just dont forget that. Your husband is acting in his flesh and in all honesty, he probably doesn't deserve you. I know what he's put you through and how bad its made you feel about yourself. Plz dont buy into it. Make yourself feel good. Go shopping, stash some cash, get your toes done. Start to focus on what you can do for yourself to feel good about you and not on what he does to make you feel bad about yourself!! Its so hard at first but you have to take that first step out the door and each time it gets easier after that. You start to learn that you can have fun by yourself and enjoy yourself without him. Its not the way God designed it but its whats happened in our world. I'm not saying to be selfish and only think of yourself, I'm just saying dont let him sink you into the bottomless pit of feeling like you have nothing to offer anyone. Get involved in things. There is life beyond the sex addict and his issues. You matter.

 
Old 06-28-2012, 11:22 AM   #9
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Re: woman needs mans view on sex addiction

I found that years ago I tried to do everything he wanted to do sexually and the only thing it got me was the feeling that I have compromised my core and what I believe in. I hope you dont follow in those footsteps bc I live to regret it.

 
Old 06-29-2012, 06:09 AM   #10
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Re: woman needs mans view on sex addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by meirocco View Post
ok, i have been married to my high school sweet heart since '98. we are in our later 30s. I JUST found out that he has a pornography issue that has been going on since at LEAST 2010 (i have caught him on two seperate occations but brushd it off) until our cable got shut off, even tho we should have been caught up, come to find out everyday he orders movies (not always cheap ones). I feel like he has lead a double life, and hurts me so much that i want a seperation I am extreamly depressed, i dont know if he has ever acted upon these fantasies or even what kind of porn he has been watching (to scared to know). He admitted to watching it (not as much as i know, the cable lady told me). here we are on the verge of losing our house, he does not realize or care that he is on the verge of losing me. the thing is we had this really long talk that i actually thought had opened up new doors. well, i thought everything was good, that was two days ago, because i had surgery and i didnt want to possibly leave this world with the letter i had written him while i was in COMPLETE shock. so surgery was yesterday, had a hard time sleeping for a few days now, and i came downstairs this am, to find him masturbating...still no cable....so he has an issue with porn and masturbating. i have been left in the dust romantically. no hugs, no kisses before bed or when walking in door, and when come up and give him a hug he rolls his eyes, its quick, and obviously painful for him and says he has to go work ( i know why he is working so much now, save the house, porn adds up quickly, esp. expensive ones). the fact that i caught him in a dark room downstairs masturbating disturbes me alot considering the talk we JUST had. i dont understand how he does not see a problem, yet he "felt so much better" when i found out about the porn 4 days ago. then how i caught him this am, after our heart to heart just tears me apart. i dont understand this and feel like dust in the wind. i am single yet married? what do i do? he says he will go to therapy, my thing is, will he be honest? i dont know how far this has actually went (did he have an affair with other women, does he fantasize when he have relations, what goes thru his mind, is he gay, does he like children, why is he ready to let go of everything because of this, etc...i can not trust him anymore, i do not want to be in a marriage where i have to compete with porn or his masturbation, and feel so alone, i have emotional needs, that would help me be more interested yet he pushes me away. any former addicts or someone out there that knows anything about what runs thru someones head? i need help i am in such a funk, i dont know how much longer i can take it. i want to be married like i was not single yet cant date, if you get what i mean. im lonely as hell, depressed as hell, and can not go on like this, i have health issues all related to stress and now this is the biggest stress for me so far i need answers, from someone how has been there, or understands, something.
it seems he does have an addiction and would more than likely need proffesional help however untill he faces the fact he has an addiction (just like any other addict who does not recognise they have a problem)he will more than likely not change.It seems like he is burying his head in the sand so to speak and hoping things will go away regarding the threat to your house he must at all costs wake up to this fact that you may lose your home and that his addiction is causing this . i realise you are at the end of your teather but if you love him that much then fight to wake him up and get him to realise he has a problem ,show him the bills the threats of repossesion how much his addiction his costing you both in money aswell as emotional stress get him to admit he may have a problem thats the first step then build on that if you can together .try again again and again if nessesary and keep strong

 
Old 12-20-2012, 04:49 PM   #11
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Re: woman needs mans view on sex addiction

You and I have VERY similar stories. Although I divorced my husband. It was VERY VERY hard. But I hated the person I was becoming. his sin bled onto me and my heart became black to the point where I wanted to have an affair- but couldn't do it. Then I felt even BETTER than him because I was a good person to him, when he wasn't to me. I very much beleive that my ex is gay and that because he's Christian he can't come out. he has lost 2 jobs because of porn at work. He also had 2 affairs- sexual relationships with significantly younger women in the office... without sex. Teasing, oral, flashing, etc. Now that I'm divorce I'm free from his sin and God has brought me an amazing man. If God wants you to stay, then stay. But don't let his sin bring you down.

 
Old 12-21-2012, 10:50 AM   #12
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Re: woman needs mans view on sex addiction

He has to know that he is merely selfish. The literature claims that men seek comfort by masturbating, sometimes many times a day. Cash flow problems, loosing a house, and tension between you two, all lead to his being selfish and has learned to cope without you. You need to deal with this issue first, then his comfort will be you instead of pictures or videos. A marriage counselor who can bring out selfishness in you both will be a blessing.

 
Old 12-22-2012, 02:51 AM   #13
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Re: woman needs mans view on sex addiction

A fireworks watcher.

Let's try using love-letter method, you know, write down what you wants and send through post office addressing to him. Not by email too, the effort is largely different if you walk to post office rather than simpler way through email. A man, if he weights, the hard the effort, the heavy he marks for the point.

Worth to try if verbal communication did not hub for each other. I hope he's not a selfish one, I hope he may appreciate and begins to feel how did you feel for these years, after reading the letter.

I didn't want to assume what and why your both problem was, because you both knew the situation better than us in here.

Good luck, dear. Hope this helps rebuild the trust back again.

 
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