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Old 01-24-2003, 10:17 PM   #1
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Question Husband with low sex drive???

Hi,

What causes a man to have a low sex drive? My husband (33) has had this problem for several years now.
He is a very sweet man, and very attractive physically....he just doesn't seem concerned with sex. He doesn't tell me 'no' when I want to have sex, but he never has the desire to initiate it himself. This is starting to get to me because I could have sex once a day, if not more, I am VERY attracted to him... I'm starting to wonder if he has some sort of hormonal imbalance. He urinates frequently, and is often tired. Any info would be appreciated!!

Maddy

 
Old 01-25-2003, 12:52 AM   #2
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It could be the hormones. It could be testosterone, prolactin or oestrogen. But is could also be daily stress or anxiety related to sex or maybe there is a problem in the relationship.

I would like to know more facts. Since when has he had this problem? How often do you have sex with him per week and does he always get hard?
Describe him physically, is he overweight ?



 
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Old 01-25-2003, 09:46 AM   #3
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It might be hormones forsure because I am the same way I dont care if I have sex or not. I love the closeness and the affection but as for the actual act it doesnt matter to me anymore. I thought I was crazy for awhile but there is alot of others out there that way too and it doesnt mean we dont love who we are with either.

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Old 01-25-2003, 06:35 PM   #4
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So we have a man with the psychological make-up of the typical woman, and vice versa. How ironic!

(You did not mention whether you have children. A hormone assay is most certainly in order, looking specifically for hyperprolactinaemia, that is; too much of that hormone. It is treatable.

A possibly unfortunate side-effect of Testosterone replacement if that is on the other hand, deficient, is infertility.)

 
Old 01-26-2003, 10:38 AM   #5
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Thanks for the replies....He is slightly overweight, and yes we do have children (six total from previous marriages *smile)....He is a very calm person, so I don't think it is stress. We have sex about three times a week...He just doesn't seem interested. He was a little worried about his lack of interest. He was also worried about his excessive urination. He has also been losing more hair recently....I thought it might be his thyroid???

Maddy

 
Old 01-26-2003, 12:35 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally posted by maddy:
He was also worried about his excessive urination. He has also been losing more hair recently....I thought it might be his thyroid?
Apart from the fact that hair loss is one of the most non-specific symptoms in the whole of medicine, I think the fastest way you are going to get those other two matters checked, is to get to the doctor and discuss it.


 
Old 01-27-2003, 09:29 AM   #7
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Well since you still have sex three times a week and it seems to work everytime I don't think there is anything physically wrong with your husband (regaring the initial problem of the sex drive , not the frequent urination . The latter he should get checked out). Yes his testosterone could be below average, but still high enough to perform and be fertile it seems. Similar arguments hold for prolactin and oestrogen.

Testosterone shots are not a good idea at such a young age, because then the testicels shrink and the body stops producing it. Furthermore there is a risk that the body converts the testosterone into oestrogen and that will cause the opposite effect of what you want. Since he is starting to loose hair (in what I assume is a typical male bald pattern ), that actually rather speaks for a relative high level of DHT. WEll of course the genes from the parents sides also have a strong influence.
DHT is a very powerful male hormone. It actually gets produces from testosterone. While it can have some some side effects, like acne ,it is also very powerful in producing similar effects to testosterone in terms of fertility and sex drive.

What bothers you and him it seems that he does not initiate it and is not that interested anymore.
I don't think a medical doctor will be able to do anything at this stage. I would rather recommend a healthy diet and excerice. What would happen if you don't initiate sex for a week or two ? Or if you initiated it every day?

MAybe you need to reward him when he does initiate sex and tell him how you love it. Anyhow good luck.


[This message has been edited by Roger100 (edited 01-27-2003).]

 
Old 02-01-2003, 12:33 AM   #8
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I think he should have a blood test done by a physician. Although, there are many symptoms of diabetes, one of them is frequent urination. The blood test can determine whether this is a concern. Also, Testosterone (total), and Free Testosterone may be checked.
Also, is he depressed? He may not recognize it as depression, but he should perhaps go to any of the depression websites for symptoms, which are varied, and many. When the neurotransmiter chemicals in the brain are slightly out of balance, this can lead to a loss of sexual desire among other things.

The best thing will be to see a doctor, and have him explain all of the symptoms that he is having. Don't hold back, as it is often the symptoms that a patient takes for granted that could be the ones that tip a doctor off as to what direction to take.

NOTE: We are very lucky to be living in times like these. At no other point in human history have we had the medical knowledge that we do today. In most modern countries, we have relatively good access to healthcare. Also, how knowledge is shared is pretty neat, and never been as great as it is today.

This board is a perfect example of how we can help each other out in difficult situations with anonymity. Also, on the sharing of knowledge and experience. Really, think of how neat it actually is.

 
Old 02-21-2003, 10:02 AM   #9
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I have this same problem. My husband is 34 and has a low sex drive. I would be beyond the moon happy if we had sex 3 times a week. I am lucky if we have it 3 to 4 times a month! We met when I was 16 and he was 20, so basically we were like rabbit but after my second child we had a lot of money problems and the problems started. Our second and youngest child is now 10 years old. I can't stand it anymore! We have been seeing a sex therapist but it doesn't seem to help. He rarely initates it anymore and I feel fustrated all the time. Plus it grates on his self-esteme because when we do it is rarely long than 5 minutes long and I have to use my vibrator to "finish" the job. I told him that I wanted a boyfriend so that I could satisfy myself and not make him feel bad anymore but that I would have sex with him when ever he wanted it. But he isn't going at all for that idea. I love him and I don't want to cheatand am willing to try anything at this point. I even thought about getting a divorce, but how would that look? I am down to the end of my rope.

 
Old 02-21-2003, 10:10 AM   #10
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[This message has been edited by Pandabaire (edited 03-05-2003).]

 
Old 02-21-2003, 11:27 AM   #11
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Pandabaire,
Let me give you another perspective on all this.
First, you are assuming that his porn watching and goind to strip clubs are evidence that he has a healthy sex drive. This may or may not be true.

He may also be making some incorrect assumptions on his end. That is, that after years of marriage it's normal not to be so attracted to the person you've grown so accustomed to.
He may be making this assumption on the basis that he genuinely is not very horny these days, and perhaps his viewing porn and ladies at the strip club is a way for him to try to add some extra stimulation to his life. But this may not be working.

That is, if he was feeling very sexual in general, then it may not be as necessary for him to feel compelled to look externally for added stimulation as he'd already be pretty stimulated. He may be assuming
that his lowered drive is because of many years of marriage with the same person. Perhaps he really does need an unrealistic sense of stimulation to just get his juices flowing these days. It's not a reflection on you though.

I don't really have an answer, but perhaps he should have his hormone levels checked. Roger has mentioned testosterone, prolactin, and estradiol. He should see a urologist, but he first needs to accept that it may be warranted.

If this doesn't work, maybe watch some porn with him. Or see a sex therapist that can give some pointers about how to recharge your sex lives.

Good luck to you.

 
Old 02-21-2003, 01:40 PM   #12
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[This message has been edited by Pandabaire (edited 03-05-2003).]

 
Old 02-23-2003, 10:44 PM   #13
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Nelbell HB User
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I've been going through the same thing for 20 years.
He has never really been interested, never started it, hardly ever touches me, I recently found out that he is bi curious, more interested in a man then me. Not gay, just curious. We're trying to work on things, we're talking more, he is trying to be more affectionate. All these years I thought it was me. Its not, its him. I'm not saying your men are gay, just saying its possible.

 
Old 02-24-2003, 01:20 PM   #14
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Pandabaire - note the irony in the name

I think you should dress up in lingerine . Buy even more of it, wear high heels , hot pants whatever turns him on. Go to the gym, have a makeover. I don't see the problem in that. I am sure you tried to look good when u met him. Think about that . Why are you stopping now? Maybe you have been taking him for granted. Don't take his love for granted and don't stop working on it.

Please don't forget guys get very much visually attracted to women. What would you think if u heard a guy say :"My wife only wants to have sex if I touch her before. I will do it for her once a week maybe but not everytime I want sex. What is wrong with her? " ?






 
Old 02-24-2003, 01:25 PM   #15
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As a 55 year old man, I experienced a marked decline in desire over the last couple of years. It isn't a matter of being unable to function but rather that the internal excitement and pleasure in my brain have faded. It is as if the mental triggers relating to certain images have been short-circuited, as it were. The words "can't be bothered", spring to mind.

Our marriage is very strong in many ways and we are very close, but I came to realise that this situation is a pity. It isn't my fault or her fault, there's no "fault" about it. It is just a state formed of habit (or the lack of it !)which we both allowed to develop.

Now I'm a bit peculiar in that ogling pornography and rude pictures seems to me rather like watching activities in a doctor's consulting room. In other words I like my sex to be subtle and to surprise me. I don't experience and have never experienced knee-jerk reactions to photos of genitalia. Therefore I couldn't see this way of rekindling desire being any use to me.

I came to realise that my poor wife couldn't improve matters on her own, and it was unfair to expect her to somehow fix things inside my mind by external acts. Indeed, she was fast becoming as asexual as I was. A hot dinner and a cup of tea was becoming the big event of the day !

After the common sense visit to the doctor to make sure nothing physical was wrong I began to experiment with ways of rekindling my own desire. I have found that I can more or less build up the old intensity at will over a period of a few days. It's largely to do with the way I think about sex, to do with gradually replacing old, stagnant images with a library of new ones.

What is working for me may not work for another man, and I find it difficult to explain exactly what I am doing - not because it's too personal or too rude, but because it's just hard to put into words.

Suffice it to say that I feel much sexier now than I did this time last year or this time last month. But I had to take that initial step of "deciding" I wanted my desire back again, in much the same way as one "decides" to relearn a musical instrument. I'm afraid I have no suggestion for the man who is perfectly content with no sex. I could have drifted into this state, but simply "decided" not to.

I'm sorry, I can't be of any more definite help in this important matter.

 
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