I am a wannabehot dude looking for another dude to fool around with and I've had no such luck at my college. I am very sad and lonely. Everybody seems REAL uptight, stick in the mud and rigid type people. And I am NOT a flamboyent or a goofy gay that you see in the movies.(neither am I some ugly 400 pound dude slobbering over every guy) I am just a vain wannabe hot guy trying to get some loving. How can I go about finding my self a man? I wanna man. What are some good ways to find out if another mans wants some? how do I go about giving them the hint? What scents do men like? What can I do??? I am sad and feel lost.
P.S. I've given many men the hints and they NEVER understand. They just look at my in utter confusement. I guess some get the hint and their body turns real stiff like a statue and they give me the evil eye or they look really scared.
So you know I'm very much so hertosexual. And all I can do is provide point of view on my side on the best way for you to do so. I had a friend of a friend I met that was very homosexual. I liked me alot! He wanted to turn me gay and did hit on me. Your left with two options. (1) Become openly gay. So when you meet people through people, they will openly know. And you might find out that way. Which is the best way before you might violate a straight man. Many Hetro men are ****-phobic. You might be shunned on it. However, by being openly gay, then those who don't accept you will simply stay away. Which is best for you because if they won't execept you your best not knowing them anyhow. (2) Just wait, until you hear of another gay guy whom is gay. And find your way to them.
One thing I have noticed on homosexual men is that they feel they are having the hardest time finding a partner. Once they find one they tend to latch on too strongly in an obsessive way. you need to get out of the desperation before you lead this path.
You also said that you are in college. Take and find a gay bar of sorts. Or where gay men might hang out. Many gay men know girls very well. See a guy always hanging with girls in a non sexual environment. That could be a hint, but not a garantee. Other than that. Patients. Everyone of all sexuality has to wait to find a girl/guy to be with for a long period. Wait like we all do. It will happen.
Nice Quote for you!
All great relationships having a great story on how they met. That is because they waited for it to just happen, and how it does is a truly wonderous thing! If you simply force to hard to have a relationship, well, then there is no story. And it won't become a great relationship. Greatness takes time. If great-ness is what you seek, then it's worth the wait. Or your looking for a world of pain.
It almost seems to me that you are "giving hints" to guys without really knowing if they are gay or not. In another post you questioned why guys couldn't try being with another guy and be open to experimenting sexually. I think you really need to stick to hitting on guys who you know are gay. You are definitely going to have guys feel uncomfortable and give you the cold shoulder if they are straight and you are hitting on them. What did you expect?
You were smart enough to find your way to this board, so obviously you have access to and know how to use the internet. There are so many websites/groups/chatrooms/etc. for gay men all over the internet, if you do even the most cursory search you will find more than you could possibly ever explore in one lifetime. Also, you live in Miami, which is not exactly an isolated place. Last time I was in Miami, it was like Gay Central. So there are opportunities everywhere around you, you will just have to dig them out a little.
It does sound like perhaps you are directing your attentions towards the wrong men --- even asking this question here on this board is not as effective as it might be to ask it somewhere else. I don't know if it is inexperience on your part or possibly a cultural thing (I take it you are not from the US originally or English is not your first language), but somehow you are focusing your thoughts, feelings, and actions in directions that are bound to (at best) get you nowhere and (at worst) lead to rejection. This is understandably leading you to feel bad about yourself and feel like the world is against you. It's not; and there are tons of men out there who would probably like to hook up with you. Try joining a group --- either a student group (is there a gay student group on your campus?)or a community group (I'm sure there is a GLBT Center in Miami)--- make it a group about something you are interested in, and you'll meet other people who are interested in the same thing, and maybe you'll click with someone. Hang out in gay chatrooms in the Miami area. Go to gay bars, or gay speed dating events, or gay political meetings --- God knows there's enough gay issues out there (in Florida especially!) and enough organizations that are hungry for volunteers that it shouldn't be too hard to find one. Get to know some gay people --- not just any old guy who you happen to think is hot --- become friends with them, they'll introduce you to their friends, and pretty soon your possibilities for romance and acceptance will have increased exponentially.
Of course, if you're closeted, this is going to be alot harder. But we all make our choices in life, don't we?
I really can empathize with your pain and loneliness and frustration, but I also hear in post after post from you, some misdirection and it seems a tendency to look at things a bit unrealistically. I don't mean to be overly critical --- I remember what it was like to be really young, too --- and I'm just trying to help here. But look around --- it's not that much harder for men to meet men than it is for men to meet women. We all have the same obstacles to connecting. And Miami is a fairly easy place to hook up, comparatively --- I mean, if you go across the bridge to South Beach you won't be able to walk ten paces without tripping over about a hundred gorgeous gay men. LOL. Think positively! And good luck.
Iíve read a lot of your posts and Iíve gotten really confused trying to figure out where youíre coming from.
I know youíre getting therapy for certain issues and I think thatís really good. Youíve said that this has helped you and I wish you a lot of luck. Iíve never had therapy so Iím far from an expert, but Iíve heard sometime it can cause people to become too introspective. You question your own and everyone elseís motives and actions under a microscope.
I get the feeling you have some anger towards straight men. In one post a guy said he was checking out other men at the beach to compare his body to theirs. You said that he should be looking at the women instead. Men and women do this all the time and it isnít necessarily sexual.
In another post a guy mentioned erections in the shower at a gym, and you felt that any man that this happens to must be a gay man in denial and he should just go for it. A man can have an erection at the gym and it doesn't mean he's gay.
You also had an experience where two supposedly straight friends were fooling around in front of you. I donít blame you for being confused about that bizarre display.
Forgive me if Iím not getting this exactly right, but Iím trying to remember some of the things you said and maybe I interpreted some of your posts incorrectly.
As far as meeting someone, a lot of people have a hard time meeting someone unless you have movie star looks. Letís face it, most of us are just average in the looks department. But even people with good looks have their problems. Celebrities are some of the most miserable people on the planet and they have people coming on to them constantly.
I couldnít tell from your posts whether you were out of the closet of not. If you're not out, I would think it would be even harder for you to meet someone.
I mentioned in another post about my cousin who is gay but was in denial. He married and tried to live the straight life, but it didnít work. He hurt his wife and now heís in a long term relationship with a man and theyíve even adopted a baby. Gays are accepted, so itís no big deal anymore.
As far as meeting someone, how about organizations at college, online dating services, clubs, volunteer work, etc.?
Also, do you think youíre coming on too strong? Maybe you should relax a little, be a little less aggressive and maybe some guy will come on to you.
I was under the impression that you were looking for a relationship, but now youíre saying youíre looking to fool around, which I interpret as casual sex. I could be wrong.
Someone as sensitive as you are would most likely get hurt in that situation. Look for a friend, then a relationship.
[This message has been edited by JAYB (edited 08-13-2003).]
Wow, you guys are amazing. And I mean you guys really understand what I am feeling and thinking. JayB it is true I do have anger towards straight men. I want to explor that and find out how I could be letting my anger and envy control my decisions and actions. I am not really in the closet because I know I love men very much. But I do not tell people that I am out. I just try to leave hints ( I do not date women at all) ....I think that is a huge hint. But it still may be unclear for most people. I am afraid to tell people that I like men because I am afaid a psycho will kick my butt and beat me to a pulp or berate me real bad infront of people.
There is a **** club at my college but I am very worried and scared of joining it. I am afraid they too will reject me for not imbracing the gayness or something haha.
I just like guys I don't like to make a huge thing about it. I just like to normal stuff and maybe yes I think the friendship is first BUT i really like smooching and hugging. I didn'nt really mean casual sex LOL. That was funny.
I am not positive as to why I feel anger towards some straight men. Here are some possibilities. And it has nothing to do with people personally, sometimes it might, but I have just had bad experience.
First, I feel like straight men get so easily offended and quick to reject any guy who shows signs of being fruity. Back in high school, middle school, and even in college I've met tons of guys and my missions was only to make friends. (I am not a horn ball) my missions was to make buds only. And I guess I am a bit fem and this scared the bejesus out of most of the straight guys and they rejected me big time (as a potential friend) and in high school and middle school I got made fun of REAL bad by straight guys (they just assumed that I was a ****). Especially the very good looking ones were good at insulting. I just don't want men to see me as a slobbering girly fairy, because I am not and I am out first to make friends. I asked my therapist if I strike her as a girl man and she looked at me as if I was nuts and said "no way". Maybe the straights have very strong gaydar and easily pick up on my fruityness. It seems to me that because a man likes another man it gives the straight guys a rights of passage to automatically be insulting and arrogant and rude. Hmmm, that has been my experience for a long time.
Here comes the confusion. I've also met very feminene and fruity *acting* guys and they seem to never get made fun of, ignored, treated badly, or avoided by straight guys. And I am baffeled beyond belief as to why that other fruity acting guy gets attention and friends but not me. Remember I have never publicly announced to anybody that I am a dude who likes dudes.
It just seems to me you're not fully out yet and that's causing the problem. You said that people must know you're gay because you don't have a girlfriend.
That's not always the case.
You don't want to join the so-called "**** club" because you think they won't like you. Why wouldn't they? Join that club and other clubs where you'll meet a wide variety of people.
sdp2 is right when he said that you're hitting on guys not knowing whether they're gay or straight. Sure straight guys are going to get angry if you do that.
When I was in college I met this guy one day and we started talking. We decided to go out to lunch. During the lunch I started to feel uncomfortable when he insisted on paying and suggested we get together that evening. I made up an excuse that I was busy.
When I got back from lunch some friends of mine asked me if I knew that the guy was gay. I told them I didn't know initially, but during lunch I kind of figured it out. They thought it was funny. I was horrified.
Here I was, a 19 year old straight guy in college trying to get a girlfriend and a gay guy hits on me.
Well, according to my friends, this guy hit on a lot of guys not knowing whether they were straight or gay. Sometimes he got it right and sometimes he got it wrong.
Someone must have told the guy I was straight because whenever he saw me after that he looked so embarrassed.
Looking back on it now it's quite funny, but at the time I didn't think so.
I am real sorry to hear about your lunch disaster. How did he make you feel uncomfortable? Did he express very fruity behavior and dialog? I am wondering what "hit on" means by you guys?
When I was a freshman in highschool a senior had a crush on me. And he came over to my house without my permission and I answered the door after like 10 minutes and he really came on to me VERY strong without even asking if I liked him. I felt very uncomfortable and then he said he wanted to buy me lunch. So we ate lunch because I was starving and then he took me to his house and wanted to fool around. And this guy was incredibly hot, I mean totally GQ model guy but I was so freaked out about his foward and very pushy attitude and went into shock. I left of course not doing anything with him, not even a hug or nothing. Thank god. hehe, I promised I would not do that to other people because it feels so awful! I learned my lesson.
When I see a real hot guy in my mind I think I don't care if he is straight or gay. I just approach him as a very sexy human being and introduce myself and try to be friendly and always see if he likes to party. I hope that is not considered "Hitting on" because I do that SOOO very much. And I hope I am not telling them through behavior that "I think their gay and I want to get with them" I am just fixated on their good looks and wanna get to know them and were they shop and how they do their hair and other fashion stuff.
I'm not sure what you mean when you say fruity. If you mean effeminate, no he wasn't like that but he was saying things like "I'd like to get to know you better" and "would you like to get together tonight". Things that straight guys wouldn't say to one another.
I just got a weird feeling that this guy was gay and he thought I was gay. I don't know what you'd call it but I got some kind of gay vibe from him.
Like on "Will & Grace", one guy is very gay, like very flamboyant but the other guy isn't. He wasn't the obvious type.
I didn't question my sexuality at all. I knew I was straight but it bothered me that a gay man liked me.
Then when my friends told me he came on to gays and straights I kind of understood his personality.
wanna,,,,are there any gay bars to go to,,p.s..if you want to sleep with a str8 guy,,you have to wait until its hard for them to get woman and they are less scared of sex with a man,,i say around 25,,,,,good luck,,p.s..what state u in?
It seems to me that you are lonely and you think that the only way to solve that is to be befriended with another homosexual guy. As if you'd click because you have something in common.
"I'm gay, and you're gay. I just know that we're going to be best friends." Is that how you view things. Why are you limiting yourself? Why gay men?I don't mean to be over critical but you sound picky, and it sounds that you only hit on hot guys.
Friendship comes in different packages. Why not consider women as friends? It doesn't have to be sexual. Women, I think, are more open minded to homosexuality. They know that you're not going to hit on them.
What exactly do you want? Friendship? Romance? or Just a Fling?
FLING/ROMANCE - Your chance, low. Why, you're closeted. You said you don't act 'fruity' but then you make these hints to suggest that you are gay. Don't they contradict. i.e. You speak with deep, masculine voice like Arnold Scwatchnager, but the voice is saying "do you wanna go to dinner with me? See, the deep tone of voice contradicts the asking-me-out hint you try to make. That's probably why some men are taken aback.
FRIENDSHIP - Definitely, it would work. Romance comes from friendship. The friendship matures, and BOOM. There's your lover. "A thousand mile journey begins with a single step." Don't limit yourself though, get female friends even though it would not lead to sex.
I sure hope you read this because I want to dialogue with you on this subject - I was pointed to your post from hot_ice I think and I KNOW what you want, because you are in a parallel situation to me... I am out just about to myself only and I know it seems like everyone KNOWS your gay but you really have never told anyone that has this knowledge and yet you KNOW people that you have actually told but they are not in your everyday social life and you are relating the experiences of the people that you are truely OUT to with those that you believe KNOW your preference but have not actually been told by yourself or whatever. You are probably basing your actions as far as methods of hinting or trying to attract the other guys upon what you think other people seem to know - I do this all the time, I think gay therefore when I speak people hear gay, etc. but yet they have never been TOLD I'm gay - NOW THE PROBLEM with this is that we both want to get open but do not know HOW to make this a reality without making ourselves look like something that was not intended - i.e. you are not *****, flamboyant or whatever but the only ways you know how to come out would portray you as such... Unfortunately I think since no one including ourselves can answer with certainty the result of a particiular method for OUTING yourself may have we are left without the control that we desire to have over the results of the OUTING. God I hope this made sense - SO NOW - with that said, personally I want more Ideas on outing myself, say at work or at home (roommate) or to friends (this I need to give a story on to tell of a mess I made), etc. I think that just saying it sounds like the easiest but to me sure is the hardest - my 'fear' It will not help with my 'feelings' as most say you are hiding your true self but (now this may be different for you but) when I am told that I am destroying my self or causing bad feeling for hiding my true self then that must be my true self and exposing it may change the circumstances but my self will still be bad just exposed as bad - this has to make sence because everyone says that that is why you should come out to release the bad feelings - The funny thing is I never though my feeling of sexual attraction were bad until I started hearing other from boards like these say that - its like some sort of a paradox - you can't be gay without coming out and freeing yourself of bad feelings - like thats what being gay is about?? - I never heard of such a thing until I started checking into gay sites, etc. - I never felt BAD about it - Anyway I take what most posters have to say with a grain of salt if you will because just because they give you advice does make their intentions clear - only they know how helpful their advice can be and how much they know on the subject - I can almost gaurantee that any professional with therapist will help you make your decision come to reality for X # of $ and you could do it yourself for free - even if you ask a simple question like HOW to do it - the answer will always be the same - the answer is your own - they will never give you help with finding the right way I guess because until you actually do it there is no right way - which makes sense because once done whatever way it was couldn't have been wrong - It might seems wrong I guess because maybe the result will not be as expected, for instance maybe although you out yourself you never find a companion or whatever or you lose any companions you have - I guess thats always possible and would really make you feel awful - hard to say if that would be the result - That is why I personally am trying to get as much info on the consequenses of coming out in various circumstance to try to be as level headed about it as I can - I am sure by now you can tell if I am on the money with your situation or not - let me know because maybe we can help each other thru this - What are your goals?? - I want to find someone for a LTR I do not want to go from guy to guy - I want a friend, lover, and equal - When I say that I always picture a normal HETEROSEXUAL relationship, so maybe what I want is not realistic - if not then I can see why I do not bother coming out. I would love to hear opinions on this from others as well.... That's enough my fingers tire....
[This message has been edited by notamonk (edited 09-04-2003).]
If I may, I'd like to add my 2 cents here as a heterosexual male with a fair number of homosexual friends who have been in your situation to some extent.
I really think one of the main problems here is society's obsession or demand for boundaries. People fear shades of gray and randomness, and expect life and sexuality in particular to follow black and white dynamics, as if formulaic or existing in a vacuum. That would be nice in theory, but it just isn't the way it works. With that in mind, I don't think you can project with certainty how others (friends, family, new acquaintances) will perceive you going forward. Being openly gay will on one level open up Pandora's box in terms of uncertainty in social situations -- I think it will reduce some of the awkwardness you're currently experiencing, but it will create new levels of awkwardness in other ways. It's a tough situation, and while I don't feel that we should have to wear our sexual identities on our sleeve or make public announcements, it certainly will help if you're looking to hook up with a gay or bisexual partner, in my opinion.
Another thing to remember is that you don't have to flamboyant or the stereotypical gay persona to want to pursue that lifestyle. The bottom line here is that you only have so much control over how people will react to you -- but in my experience, gay people who are confident, balanced, and understanding of this are the most socially successful, regardless of social circle. If you're guarded, have a chip on your shoulder, or are tremendously insecure, you will create the same social barriers/problems that anyone with major insecurities does. You can be yourself, be gay, be a cool individual, and have a great social life. There will always be the minority of heterosexual men who freak out over homosexuality regardless of who you are inside -- you don't need them anyway.
My advice, if anyone cares, is to search out gay friends, be more open minded about opening up to your current friends -- and most importantly, be honest with yourself. It may be that you only want to experiment, or that you are bisexual...but you can't keep this hidden and expect others to read your mind.
More than I had planned on saying, but there it is, FWIW...