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Old 09-01-2003, 06:48 AM   #1
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Post boyfriend has zero sex drive

my boyfriend is 32 and I am 27. We have been together for about 8 months. When we first started having sex, he had a hard time getting hard but seemed horny. Then he had a month or two of being able to get hard, but then now he has zero sex drive and finds it hard to get "really hard". I have never encountered this situation before. If anyone didn't feel like sex it was usually me. Now he turns me down. For a while I thought it was me, but he told me that he doesn't even want to masterbate. He went to a doctor and she told him to get blood work done, he hasn't done that yet and for him to schedule sex. He works a lot, about 60-65 hours a week at a physical job. Now I can't look forward to going to bed at night with him, I sit and wonder "is he going to say he is too tired or is he not going to be able to get hard or get a good erection? I am frustrated and I know not helping the situation. what do I do?

 
Old 09-01-2003, 08:18 AM   #2
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Wait for the result on the blood work. He may have a low testosterone...maybe something else.

 
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Old 09-01-2003, 10:57 AM   #3
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The problem with failed erections is that they perpetuate themselves. One leads to the next and suddenly you're in a loop where the fear of failure creates the very disconnect that results in failure.

Of course, you want to eliminate the possibility of some physical disorder; if that's the problem then it's in the doctor's hands. But it's not uncommon for healthy, otherwise normal guys to literally talk themselves into impotence and be too embarrassed to talk their way back out of it. You mentioned that you're afraid of any kind of intimate encounters now; that's just part of the same loop of failure. Clearly, doing the same things you've been doing won't work, so someone's going to have to break the loop and step outside of the failed behavior patterns, and it probably isn't going to be him. There is no simple set of things to say or do, obviously, but you need to realize that this can be magnified in his head to a degree that goes far beyond how you see it. Guys don't want to disappoint their partners; it undercuts everything we think about being a 'man'. In a perverse sort of way, you can become the enemy simply because you become the clear evidence of failure. Not good. You have to get the two of you back onto the same page, working for the same goal. This is something YOU have to do, simply because right now, he can't, and you can. Letting him rediscover you as his partner working with him towards a common goal could go a long way towards aleviating the problem. There may yet be physical problems to deal with, but whatever they are, eliminating his avoidance and your frustration and replacing them with a partnership can only help the situation.

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If they get you asking
the wrong questions,
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If they get you asking
the wrong questions,
they don't have to worry
about the answers

 
Old 09-03-2003, 01:02 AM   #4
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He said it like it is.

 
Old 09-03-2003, 09:40 AM   #5
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/agree

Also try some simple things. Keep his nose clear! Make sure he's getting your full scent. Sounds primal but its true none the less. Folks with sleeping disorders and those that have alergies often times miss the pheramones that are supposed to activate their motors.

You can take some consulation in knowing that if he doesnt feel like masterbating either, then its not you. Or hes lying about it. But he probably has a problem that can be worked thru if he simply has zero drive. There are lots of new things on the market to try but wait for the tests.

In the mean time, do things for him that you think he would find irrestable to get him interested. Make sure hes getting good rest, no foods a few hours before bed and keep his sinuses clear for your signals.

 
Old 09-04-2003, 11:14 PM   #6
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Btmj touched on it, but the original poster said it outright: he works 60-65 hours a week in a physical labor job, so maybe he's too pooped to pop.

I know I have found myself in too many sexual encounters after I have been deprived of proper sleep. Guess what? This gorgeous, sexy Human being in front of me (which a guy like me is too lucky to have by the way) turned me on in every way possible, but I simply had no or a very limp erection because I needed rest. Knowing all this in my head only contributed to the continued failure. How do you think this makes me feel as a man? Not good...more failure.

Maybe he needs to take a day or two off and truly rest. After that good night's sleep you might wake him up in a sexual way. Many men awaken with erections, not always sexually induced, but it's a start. If he doesn't maybe you could induce one and see where it goes from there. Just make it your day to play with each other and reignite the spark.

 
Old 09-05-2003, 05:45 AM   #7
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Probably low levels of testosterone. All of that work uses it up & leaves none for you.

He needs to get a complete hormone blood series of tests from an endocrinoly doctor.

Good luck,

G

 
Old 09-22-2003, 04:02 PM   #8
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well, blood tests came back and testosterone levels are fine. some white blood cells were found in his urine, or something like that so he needs to make an appoint. with a urologist. i guess my biggest concern is that we are going to get married within the year, and I really don't want this to come between us...i am waiting patiently to see what is wrong, but i don't want to be caught marrying him and end up getting a divorce because he doesn't want sex. this probably sounds horrible, but sex is pretty important to me. he told me that he just doesn't even have time for himself...so i just don't know what to think anymore. i feel so bad for him, but i feel like i am of absolutely no help! also, if he can't even get horny at all, it seems a waste to even try to get him aroused myself. any advice????????

 
Old 09-22-2003, 04:08 PM   #9
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Turn the situation around. What if you were in his shoes and had no desire? Would you want to be dumped? Wait it out for now and see what happens. There has to be an answer to his problem, and maybe it's something that's not permanent.

 
Old 09-22-2003, 04:10 PM   #10
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Since the physical tests so far are not finding anything then have you considered the various ways it might be psychological. That occurs to us men fairly often. The only way you can find out is to ask him if he has any issues. You did say you were concerned it might be you. But it can be other things. Personally, I worry about penis size and it has effected me in the past. It can bother me that my girlfriend has had bigger and it can bother me if she doesn't respond in bed as much as I figured she probably did with the bigger guy. It can even cause masterbating to become uninteresting when troubled by about something. Not saying that's the problem but it's a common one.

[This message has been edited by imbythewater (edited 09-22-2003).]

[This message has been edited by imbythewater (edited 09-23-2003).]

 
Old 09-22-2003, 10:30 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by yoopergirl:
[B]well, blood tests came back and testosterone levels are fine. [B]
Well, there is "fine" and then there is fine. Testosterone has a wide range of "normal" values. The problem is, is his normal their normal?

If the allowed range is 300 to 1200 and his reading is 350 then the doctor will say his levels are fine. But if his normal level used to be 900, then he is far from fine. So was his testosterone level above 600 or below it, because young guys should have morning testosterone above 600.



 
Old 09-23-2003, 12:50 AM   #12
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"he told me that he just doesn't even have time for himself..."

You also said he works 60-65 hours a week in a pretty intense job. Does he enjoy work, is he happy with himself and his life? Sometimes our problems in one area of our lives show up in the bedroom. What I'm trying to say is this is not just about sex, but of him as a whole. He might be depressed or stressed out, and this is one way of manifestation.

 
Old 09-23-2003, 12:35 PM   #13
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Most doctors do not know much about testosterone.

If his levels at his age are below 500 he should see an endocrinolgist for a check up.

No sex drive usually means not enough testosterone, male & female.

G


 
Old 09-23-2003, 05:51 PM   #14
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thanks for all of your thoughtful replies. yes, you are right, i should think about if it was me that couldn 't get aroused. i guess i am worried it is permanent. i don't know the numbers on his testosterone, and i bet he doesn't either. he went to a female doctor, which if i was a guy, i sure wouldn't. i only females for my yearly exam. no offense, just my comfort level. i can ask him again, but he seems really frustrated by my asking. he isn't happy about his job, it is physical and highly stressful. he is a manager of a pizza delivery place. but when we went on vacation a few months ago, he just didn't want sex then. maybe we are different. he told me that he wanted a relationship that wasn't based just on sex, well we are going ot get married, so he shouldn't worry about that now. i just want some answers and all i get is "i don't know". i am worried also because when i didn't want sex, i also didn't want to be with the person at the time...i want to help him, do i shut up and let him figure out things slowly and get more and more frustrated? or do i talk to him..not sure what to say to him though. any ideas? i don't want him to feel bad. his penis is great, he is great, but that doesn't seem to matter. i just feel so rejected and so unsexy. what do i do? ignore or talk to him (someone tell me what to say!) thanks again

 
Old 09-23-2003, 06:03 PM   #15
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Just wondering what your boyfriend thinks of this situation. Does he think this is unusual?

 
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